The problem
isn't that I want to be with you
The problem
is I always want to be with you
The problem
isn't that I want to kiss you
The problem
is that I always want to kiss you
The problem
isn't that I love you
The problem
is I never stop loving you
The problem
isn't that we're over
The problem
is that we never really started

I don't want
one more kiss
one more talk
one more time

I want
A lifetime of kisses
A lifetime of talking
A lifetime of you
{bcg}

When we met I was bruised, I was bitter, and I felt broken beyond repair. You picked me up and right in the middle of healing my wounds, kissing my scars, and making me forgive myself for every mistake, you told me the truth. You were never meant to save me; you came here so I could save you.

-bcg (its funny, we both came for help, and we ended up breaking eachother all over again)

And I’ll be here
using words to convince you,
you made the wrong choice,
because I have no other way
of winning you over.


-bcg (i’m still yours even though you were never mine)

At first I thought it was the nights
I thought the nights were the worst part
The sudden fits of loneliness that come at 3am
The tv I have to watch to dull the pain
The words I have to write to drain the pain
Falling asleep alone

Then I thought it was the mornings
I thought the mornings were the worse part
The happiness I feel right after a dream
The empty spot next to me
The empty spot reminding me
You're still gone

But then I realized it was the day
The days were the worst part
Days full of little events I used to tell you about
Days of starting to type out a message
Days of erasing the words I was going to say
Because you're gone one more day
{bcg}

I want to say **** it and text you because all I want to do is talk to you about everything going on in our lives, and im so close. I pull out my phone, I start the message, and then it hits me. If you had wanted to talk, you would have let me know ******* weeks ago.

-bcg (how do you choose between comfort and dignity)

He places his hand on the small of my back and we walk down the street like everything that was meant to be, was being,
and we were at the center of it all.


-bcg (what a good sunday really looks like)

I don't regret you
Not because you didn't break my heart, you did
Not because I don't hate you, I do
Not because you didn't take a part of me with you when you left, you did
Not because I don't spend sleepless night thinking about you, I do

I don't regret you because you made me feel
And the opposite of love is not hate
The opposite of love is not feeling at all
And you made me feel more than I've ever felt before
{bcg}

What if...

I lose the memory of the first time we kissed?
I can't retrieve the image of you crossing the room to me?
I forget the way your hands felt holding my face?
I can't remember the shirt you were wearing or the way you smelled?

I lose you?


----------------------------
Would I lose myself?

I put on another dress
I apply another coat of blush
I curl my hair perfectly
     I look like a dream

I take another pill
I pour another glass
I pull out a razor
     I hurt like a nightmare

I tell another joke
I give another kiss
I smile till I forget
     I fake like an actor

I didn't have a real close friend growing up
I didn't have a confidant, a bestie, a trusty pal
I hid my secrets with men whose years were so far away from mine that they couldn't hear my cries for help

That changed last night at 2:13am
Because it wasn't until we were lying on the floor in the kitchen
Discussing our fears and our doubts
Eating ham and cheese croissants
Gazing up at the plaster ceiling as if it was the night sky
That I realized

You are my best friend

Tell me you miss me
Tell me to stay
Tell me you wouldn’t have it any other way

Tell me that even though things are about to get real rough, it’s worth it, because you like the way I smile into my empty coffee cup

Tell me there isn’t another person in this world
that could keep you from me

Tell me we will continue to laugh at the sound of the
rain pouring down on the roof at 2am
until we fall asleep to the rhythm of the soft pitter-patter

Tell me you miss me
Tell me to stay
Tell me you wouldn’t have it any other way


-bcg (you won’t and that’s okay, a girl can still dream)

do you want me to keep the light in the window
do you want me to keep a spot open for you
do you want me to wait

if you give me just a bit of hope
if you listen to just one more song
if you let me call just one more time

I won't give up
I won't let go
I won't, I swear

Because I will wait for you
if it means a little bit of hope
if it means one more song
if it means one more call

I'll wait for you
{bcg}

He made it very clear what he wanted,
and what he wanted was never me.


-bcg (it isn't meant to be read, it's meant to be yelled)

The stairs are stained with our favorite kiss.

-bcg (the things you can't clean up the next day)

To him:
“You’re funny and you play along with my little jokes and you always respond. I ask you the questions I used to ask him and you answer them differently and you have different favorite colors and you have different embarrassing moments and you have different fears because you are different people. But asking you those questions, after listening to his answers, just feels gross. It feels cheap. You are nothing to him. You hold nothing to him. You’re vain like he never was. He had no idea what was happening, question-by-question he was falling for me, but he had no idea. He didn’t know he was falling until he had already fallen. He was real. The first real thing I knew. He was honest. He was mine.”


To you:
“I feel sick talking to him about his day, asking his favorite color, talking to him and asking him the same things. Because the thing is, I would still rather listen to you tell me about your details over and over again than learn his or any boy before.”

-bcg (i cant tell you this because im scared of the way you look at me now when i tell you how i feel)

i should be waiting for the day when i stop loving you
the day when seeing your **** picture in my facebook newsfeed won't shake my mind like a snowglobe in the hands of a six year old

i should be waiting for the day when i stop waiting for you
the day when i can say yes to a date with a boy who doesn't trace my arms with messages like you did

i should be waiting for the day when i stop being sad
the day when i can go a whole day without a pit in my stomach that no amount of fake smiling, nice dresses, and alcohol can get rid of

but instead i am so scared of stopping
so scared of falling out of love with you

if i can feel this much and just lose it
i dont think love is possible
i dont think love is eternal
i dont think i want to be over you

because i want it to be you
               i want it to be you

I want you like I want one of my shows.

When we aren't together I don't want to think about you. I don't want to ponder you, analyze you, or worry about you. When you aren't here, I want nothing to do with you.

But when we are together I want to only be with you. I want to spend hours on you, obsessing over you, binging on you. I want every waking moment to be spent watching you and discovering you and every sleeping moment to be spent dreaming about you.

I want you, but only like one of my shows.

-bcg (binge watching Netflix isn't healthy, but neither are you)

When we were together things didn't seem real until I told you about them
When something happened to me, it didn't really happen until I told you
And now that you're gone
I'm just living in this haze without you
{bcg}

Her first text is at 10:13pm, from a friend, who needed to tell her that she still loves him. She reminds the friend calmly that he wasn't well and it was better for both of them to end it even though it felt like hell. He hurt you, she told the friend, he hurt you over and over, it'll be okay, you can cry on my shoulder.

Her second text comes in at 12:09am, from an old flame. He had one too many that evening and was going a little insane, "I miss you," he said and he heaved a long sigh, "I just want one more night, please one more night." She somehow managed to gently decline and called a mutual friend to give him a ride. She told the old flame that everything would be okay and to take a couple aspirin before he called the next day.

Her first call of the night, at 1:53am, comes from an old roommate who had relapsed and was back in that horrible place and the roommate was lying on the tile of a bathroom floor she couldn't recognize and her number was the only one she could recall after her fall. She talked down the helpless girl for an hour until she was well enough to get up from the tile. The roommate called her mom and got picked up and she hung up the phone, relieved to have some time for a nap.

She got two more calls that night and hundreds of more texts, but she got a couple of hours of rest before the next day of telling others everything was going to be okay.

He likes reading Russian poetry and she likes listening to him whisper it through the phone.

She likes watching sitcoms, dramas, and really anything available on Netflix steaming and he likes teasing her about it on the way home.

They like to distract themselves and pretend everything's alright. They like to text and talk every week night.


They fit well, like out of a storybook page, or a rhyme in an old song that you would hear on your dad’s iPod on shuffle. Except there was one thing they overlooked all those nights talking about everything and nothing over and over till the sun would rise.

She never could watch the last episode of the shows she binged, but he always read the last page of the books he read. She was afraid of endings and goodbyes.

So when the clock struck twelve and it was time to go home, only one was doomed to a life of bathroom floors, empty stomachs, and dull, dead eyes.

-bcg (i was afraid of endings and when you asked me i told you i would be fine

How did you come to the conclusion that we had no chance of making it? How did you figure that out without me? How many nights did you stay up thinking? How many friends did you consult? How many conversations did we have where you never mentioned you were solving this problem? How many conversations where I told you I loved you and you did too? How many of those conversations did we have when you already knew what the solution was and it wasn't you and me? When did you figure out we couldn't be? When?


And when did you figure out you would be okay without me? Because I would really, really appreciate it if we could go back there. To that night, that moment, that thought. And you teach me how to do the same. Because it's right about now when the pain is too much and my heart is beating too fast and I just want all this hurt to go away, when I would really ******* love to know how to be okay without you.

-bcg (teach me how to be as cold as you)

When I was younger I asked my brother to tell me why people didn't just sit around and imagine if they could get everything they wanted in their mind. He laughed softly and slowly said that there's a whole world out there that we can't even imagine in our head.

And I went through life like others, doing normal things. Until I found the other world that completely changed me. I found continents in a smile. I navigated seas in a glance. I discovered life in a touch and love in a laugh. The other world is holding hands in secret. The other world is calling late at night. The other world is you and I never want to go back.

"Well how does he say goodbye to you?"
"We don't say goodbye..."
"How do you end a conversation?"
"Our conversations don't end. We've never said goodbye, only goodnight. Since the day we met we've spend every moment memorizing eachother. We are still learning every little thing about eachother. Our conversation won't end until the day we change the subject from me and you to us and we."
"Well then yes. It's love."

return the text
answer the call
she knows she's been difficult
but it's been a hard night for her

she is so close to the edge
but you could turn it around if you just
returned the text
answered the call

you don't want to wake up tomorrow in a world without her
don't let your frustration get in the way of
returning the text
answering the call

"No matter how bad it gets, I'll always have you," I should never had tempted fate with such wasteful words. I should have spent all that time listening to the sound of your voice telling me about your childhood. Telling me about the stuffed animal you slept with until an embarrassingly old age. Telling me about needing to go clothes shopping because you saw someone wearing a button down shirt and you suddenly realized that button down shirts were a thing and you could wear them now because you're a grown up. Telling me to drink my tea and eat the sandwich you made. Telling me about your arguments with your roommate and conversations with your father. Telling me everything I needed to hear. Telling me everything was going to be alright.

I should have shut up and just listened to you then and every other night.  
You deserved more than my wasteful words and your wasted time.

-bcg (you deserved more than me, and what I gave you, but i still miss you, love, i still miss you)

Hi. We can’t stop talking. Three things have happened today that I needed to tell someone, but the thing is there was only one person I wanted to tell. And well we both have a lot to figure out, but figuring things out doesn’t sound so scary if you’re there to make jokes about everything with me. I know we aren’t ready to be “together,” and I know you’re tired and angry about being in limbo. But the thing is, limbo can be fun; I was actually really good at it before my growth spurt.

-bcg (i can handle not knowing what we are as long as you’re right there next to me)

She called me again tonight
She didn't know who else to call and with the blood on the floor and the knife in her hand she couldn't ask her parents for help
She tells me, "I'm helpless."
She tells me, "I'm scared."
She tells me, "I can't fall asleep because of the fear."

I know the right things to say. I know how to get her to stay on this side for one more day. I know how to talk her down when her boyfriend isn't around to pull her back to the ground.

So I don't tell her that I'm drowning too. Because I'm the strong one, keeping her afloat. I'm the strong one, when the sea is so big, and we are just two young girls in this small boat.

Getting those blue eyes out of my head is taking more than praying and I just feel stupid because I'm pleading to a God that I don't even believe in. Hitting my head against the metaphorical wall of the memories included in, "you and I," and it’s slowly killing my self-esteem until I have nothing left, I barely even have anything left of me.

"I still love you."

-bcg (kingdoms would fall to their knees before my love for you would crumble)

Inappropriate men tend to think I'm an appropriate pursuit.

And a weak girl like me tends to just agree.

I'm trying to train my fingers to dial numbers other than yours.

//

but when the late night thoughts hit,

there is only one phone number I can recall



and it’s yours

because it has always been yours.

Don’t wish for love. Wish for happiness.
And never, ever confuse the two.

Dear him,

You aren’t the reason I end my nights on the floor. You aren’t the reason I wear long sleeves. You aren’t the reason the food is left on my plate after every meal. You aren’t the reason there are some days I simply cannot get out of bed.  You aren’t the reason I left.

Never blame yourself.

You are the reason I still have good days. You are the reason I wear my hair down instead of up. You are the reason there are stars in my dull, lifeless eyes. You are the reason not every smile is fake. You are the reason I wanted to stay.

Always love yourself.

Love,
her

-----------------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------------

Give it to him after I’m gone. Please tell him I loved him, I loved him so **** much. I know he won’t understand why that wasn’t enough, but you have to make him understand that the pain inside me was too much. I loved him, but I had to choose myself in the end.

The only thing that hurt more than losing you was


                                                losing


        me


                                     too.

It was a mistake to let me go
because when you come back, saying you've been missing me
I'll say no
because I learned how to be okay all on my own

“I know you care, but what you don’t understand is that it would be easier for both of us if I said goodbye now. I know I’m not the girl you end up with. If we let this go soon I might be able to get over you in this lifetime.

Because one day I’m going to put my music on shuffle and for some reason a Christmas song will start playing. And for some reason it will remind me of your love of Christmas lights and how I used to tease you about how tacky it was to keep them up after New Years and you would pretend to be offended and I would pretend to apologize and everything was just so beautiful. And for some reason that memory will send me over the edge and I will be lying in bed or sitting at work or at dinner with friends and suddenly, suddenly I can’t breath and I realize there will never be a time where our memories don’t haunt me.

And so we have to say goodbye soon because I know you won’t stay forever and the farther I fall for you the harder it will hurt when I finally hit the ground. You’ll be fine. You’ll get over me quickly, I’ve already seen you do it once. Just let me go easy this time. Please, please if you ever loved me, let me go quickly because the pain will already be enough to last a lifetime.”

-bcg (it’ll be easier this way, i promise)

I keep on making the same mistake of
thinking I mean more to you than I actually do.

-bcg (there’s no sign of stopping)

Three days since I first saw you
Three days since we first met
Just three days since I first saw you
So of course I don't want it to end

I've been stuck in a place
That I couldn't get out of
Stuck in a point of no return
I've been stuck in this pattern
That I couldn't get out of
So far down I couldn't find the right turn

I've had this problem since I was little
Of wanting things that couldn't be
Of living in a day dream
Of living in a fantasy
But the crash got too hard
For a girl like me to bear
I couldn't stand the pain or the constant terror

You showed me I could get out
You showed me the way
You showed me that I could breath
That I don't have to fade away

And I know it wasn't important
I know it wasn't big
But you changed my life forever
You've changed my will to live

I'm your first text in the morning
and your last text at night
but that doesn't mean I'm part of your life

We can keep talking forever
and be friends like its no big deal
but you can be brave for a little while
we could make this real
Baby we could make this real

Cause we could be lovers
and best friends
We could have it all
If you would just be brave for a little while

I've memorized your habits
and I like our fake fights
but that doesn't mean I'm part of your life

We don't have to keep this pg
If you just keep your eyes on me

and we could be lovers
and best friends
We could have it all
If you would just be brave for a little while

-bcg

I smile softly as I listen to you tell the story about last Halloween for the third time. The laughter you exude every time you get to the punchline of the story makes me giggle along with you. I never got to meet the friends in the story, but I know you miss them, so I watch you reminisce about the days you used to be content because I always embrace that grin on your face. The pain you're in is always in the back of my mind, so I listen to you tell the story about last Halloween for the third time.

-bcg (anyway i can help bring you happiness, i will)