It must take hate to love me.
Despise me with passion.
Loathe me into proving,
That all I think is wrong.

If hating me is what it takes,
To motivate the change,
To be who You want to be,
I’ll be the villain for you.

If my tears will bring you joy,
you need my blood to bathe.
Take me in your arms,
And gently slice my neck.

It’s hard to know
What a life will mean
Mid sentence

Choices made
Driven by the times
Unchosen

It’s no game
But someone loses
Every time

And so we love
To show the other
We’re the same

In the end
You tried your best
So did I

Lay next to me
Don’t say a word
Touch me everywhere
Everywhere but there

I want to know you
Let me peer into your soul
Don’t ask me about myself
Anything but that

Let me share my life
With you, with my work
With my cat, and my friends
Sometimes and on weekends

Im watching from the moon
The earth is so quiet
Even in this silence
Your thoughts are loud up here

The vastness of your self
The fervor of your wants
Radiate to the stars
Your life is life itself

I wish you so much joy
The depths of your love
The depths of your pain
Reaches the heavens

Happy Birthday to me.
I brought myself to completion
In the dark of this great soaring ****
Silently I made love to myself
Someone sleeps beside me

In the aisle someone feels
My passion growing and coming
His legs shake as mine quake and quiver
The smell of my love on my fingers
musky, primordial, satifying.

To be known
Is to be real
To never be known
Means living a fantasy
To be misunderstood
Is to be refused existence

It’s time
I’ve been activated
Systems coming online
Nerves buzzing
Electric fingernails
Prickle the scalp

This morning
Was the last of its kind
The wheel of change turns
Revealing a strange  new dawn
Nothing will ever
Be The same

Will it burn me up?
This extraordinary love?
I let my self go

Without its planets
The sun is just another
Solitary star

Gut dropping falls
Dizzying ascent
It scares me
But I get back on

Forgive and forget
Care first for yourself
Pursue pleasure
Avoid pain.

Asynchronous
Dichotomies
Cannot achieve
Mutual satisfaction

Pain is inevitable
The price of living
paid in discomfort
And Uncertainty

A life of comfort
Is quiet and easy
An extraordinary life
Challenges the soul

I struggle with my heart.
It’s so bruised. I’m still healing.
It feels tender to the touch.
When anyone gets close
a guard rises up out of my mind
to close off access.

Through the shield she peers out,
desiring love, to press against
another’s beating heart.
But she still bleeds sometimes,
the wounds don’t heal
like they do in the physical.
I don’t know how to close
the lacerations,
and so they remain open.

I look into myself,
and cry into my broken heart.
The astral tears are bitter
and cause the heart to ache.
Perhaps all that can be done
is to hold my broken pieces together,
and let time pass,
recreating me again and again.
Create so many new layers of me
that my heart is intact once again.
Day by day, choosing to be whole
will manifest a whole new being.

Eyes are all puffy
Hair is disheveled
Tears in gelato
Make it much sweeter

The heart thumps loudly
Each cell 100 pounds
The distance from you
Increases the force

When I lie awake
And wish for you near
You are closer than
If I see you daily

Yearning for the zenith
Brings so much pleasure
What is left to want
When the end does come?

When the ****
hits the fan,
the things I want to hear
and the things I need to hear
are rarely the same thing.

It’s usually the hard truth
that I remember most
in the wee hours,
when anxiety swirls
around my head

When the time finally comes
to exit the whirlpool
the words that my heart
knows are true,
are the words
that fuel the change.

The caterpillar marches
Munching from leaf to leaf to leaf
He doesn’t know where he’s going
He doesn’t know where he’s been
He only knows the munching
The hunger in his gut
The fire in his belly
Antennae pointing up
Vigilant for predators
Water and leaves
He doesn’t know where he’s going
It matters not where he’s been

The caterpillar weaves
Instinctively without knowing
Why he must, but weaves he does
A cocoon for the growing
The caterpillar digests himself
Dissolving into soup
Becoming a pod of pain and tears
And caterpillar goop
Alone for weeks he suffers
Reconfiguring
His whole body becoming
A new kind of being

No idea what he’s becoming
No idea what’s in store
Suddenly caterpillar emerges
More beautiful than before
Stronger and more delicate
Lighter than the air
Ready for love and lofty height
A sight beautiful and rare
The butterfly does not look back
To the caterpillar he was
The butterfly flies forward
Embracing whatever comes

The lightest touch
Is all it takes
To stimulate
The thirsty mind
Desires like delusions
Bloom out of needs
Unmet
To own and to possess
To have and to hold
What is the difference
Between marriage and
Slavery?
So many expectations
Inevitable like gravity
Forsaking the self
In exchange for
The we.
The body continues
Its fleshy desires
Long after
The mind is
Made
When the desires of body
Overtake mind
What am I?
Is it me?
Is it, it?

She is the medicine
Take her
And call your wife
In the morning

Grasping at love or passion or ecstasy.
Take this pain from me, sop up my tears.
Pour me a cup of sunshine and roses.
Let me bask in the light of your aura,
And I will be full of joy once again.

My head spins and swims and swirls.
Dizzy with delusion and disconsolate,
Like a lighthouse for the lost and lonely.
My weakened heart pulses steadily.
A rhythmic blast of fluorescent green.

Like leaping into open sea
Dark and brooding waters
Deep fathomless expanse
I barely pierce the surface

Gulp of air, then dive down
The chill prickles my skin
Undertow ***** at me
I'm carried deeper in

Undulating pulsing
It's quiet underneath
Waves pushing and pulling
Never gratifying fully

Satisfaction is impossible
Still stubborn hope arises
From a heart that aches
And throbs for distraction

For a word a touch a taste
Will push away discomfort
Dispell despair and doom
Carefully Close the chasm

A language without words
Seals the gaping gashes
Knit from time and touch
Becomes a healing action

There’s a bizarre pleasure
To the depressive illusion
I want both to be free of it
And also cover my head
shunning the light of day

My body feels stiff, rigid
I want to elongate myself
Pulling, cracking, arching
But the end feels closer
The smaller I become

Aummmmm
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
Namaste

It isn’t working.
The body is strong
The mind and heart
They are so weak
Resentful of its being
A dichotomy of feelings

AummmmmmmMMMMMMMMM
Among the pillows
I scream it out
Croaking, raspy.
My ears crave
The piercing of
My Own Voice


NAM MYOHO RENGE KYO
The pressure builds
My head buzzes as
resonating repetition
Rips through my consciousness
The body is bored of the effort
Just stop

NAMASTE
It’s time to get up
The end is a long way off

Reach.
Breathe.
Deeper.
That’s it.

Hold.
Breathe.
Deeper.
That’s right.

Feel that?
You like that,
Don’t you.
That feels…
Good.

It’s not comfortable
It’s not pain
It is life.

Holding up a cheery facade-
exhausting, necessary, effective.
Telling myself elaborate stories-
it's fine, i'm ok, i'm doing my best.

Eventually it will be true.
Soon the stories will manifest.
Hold fast to the veil of illusion.
Don't unmask the magician yet.

Part of me wants to hold the pain
the way I wish I could hold you
it feels more productive
than letting go.

How can I allow
the process, the universe, god
to take care of itself, when there is pain?

As if the preoccupation with the possibilities,
will protect you more than my prayers
as if the pain were a sentinel.

I hold the pain as a dagger.
Stabbing into the darkness, into the void.
Fending off invisible foe, parrying against suffering.

No one leaves life unscathed, and so I fail you.
I cannot protect you from life.
My honor is tarnished.

My love, please know,
I will be here when you are happy,
And especially when you are sad, scared, lonely.

When life bears down, and the weight is too much,
I will be here, prying apart the dimensions,
As an anchor to reality

My precious one,
You are beloved since always.
This love has always been, and always will be.
When all returns to the great silence,
This love remains eternal.

I send my roots into the earth,
accepting the sacred duty.
The gentle, yielding, firm,
and fertile ground of the mother.
I will water her.
I will protect her.
I accept responsibility
for this ground.
I yield to this process.
Enveloped by life. By time.
I yield to the watching.
I accept what it brings.
I choose to love
what comes before me,
so that what blooms
when I wither away,
may always be love.

Like a cell drawing in pure water, rejecting unnecessary, undesirable molecules.

Like a virus spreading multiplying, taking over with vigor and tenacity.

Like the bubbles on the burbling lips of a toddler, growing and popping and dripping.

Like a ronin samurai without a lord, coming and going like the wind.

Like a thought that just won’t quit, a feeling that burrows into the bones.

Like the intensity of a fire, when a steady wind presses the seat of the fuel source.

So is my passion for life.

I keep running
Out of time
Away from difficulty
Away from change
Away from you

I want to be someone
Who gives love freely
When life is generous
When life is cruel
When love is hard

I crave happiness
That is equitable
To sustainably live
To pass the time
And to pass on

Don't you want
To run to freedom?
Don't you want
To be the change?
Let me pass on
The sacred mission:
Life is chaos
Keep it strange.

Heavy
Hard to find
Made to blind
Native to the air
Never a match
Cameras catch
My brilliant flash
Intensely luminous
Inert bondless boundless
Brilliant under pressure
Near weightless to measure
Alone a harmless asphyxiant
The living keep their distance
The dead are drawn to the brilliance
Fluorine bonds but it’s a valence
I would be the element Krypton
If the galaxy were a neuron
You would be my fluorine
We crave the current
Rarely apparent
That makes us
Flamboyant
Transparent

She tread the earth
like a terrestrial goddess
As if gravity were meaningless
As if the elements are hers to command
Her body moves like a bountiful offering
Only fools are brave enough to advance
If only she could remember who she is
She tells me she’s not grounded
But she’s rooted to the earth

Deep in the folds
My vulnerable places
Like a draft displaces
Turbid Stagnance
Firey sun illuminates
The dewey fertile soil
Infiltrating unturned
Spongy depths
Stimulates the follicles
Teases tenacious life
Into frothing vigorous
Surging prominence
Hungry searching tongues
Tasting the flushed flesh
So forceful and so hot
in open air
Primitively freely
illuminate
My hunger
Devour me
Like a flame
Consuming
My pride and shame
To surrender
Is to love you
And the falling
Hurts the best

I'm laying here staring into the void,
The stars are harsh spectators.
Vast, cold nothingness reaches into me.
Prickly fingers grip my heart.

I'm bitterly  grateful for the familiarity,
It's nice to remember the pain.
A noose on my neck, a vice  in my gut.
Love has come to collect.

I remember the crossroads, the deal we made.
The glorious shining love,
That glow shined in all of the dark places,
Then we saw the ***** corners.

We saw the murk, polluted wells, fecund fields.
The glorious shining love,
it was no longer pure, it couldn't support us.
It splintered and blew us to pieces.

I lay here alone again, and I feel the darkness,
Embracing the black void again.
I reach into myself for the warmth of the light.
I feel the salty wet memories on my face.

Even the pain is  a glorious price for love.

My eyes are clearer.
The foggy cataracts  that once obscured my way
are carved away, only evident in the glint in my eyes

My gait is rhythmic and even.
Gone is the limp that once slowed my progress, and
only my shoes belie the injury I had suffered

My heart is clean and blameless.
The scars remain. the dents, and cracks, and holes
remind me of where I've been, and tells my story on repeat.

I'm slowly becoming a cynic
People, human beings frustrate me.
I've even begun to frustrate myself,
Regrets pile on top of one another,
and like inertia they can't seem to stop.
It would seem I am human.