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Jun 2018
It's hard to mourn this relationship
Because for the first time I realize that my world isn't ending
It helps that the relationship changed from my ideal form
To whatever it ended up being
A while before we broke up
I already cried for that part of the relationship
I already hurt myself to cope with that
This is so much different
I've known for awhile now
That this relationship was unhealthy
So what am I mourning now?
I have already hurt for all of the good times we had together
The late nights talking
The long mornings cuddling
And how it turned to silence
And distance
And emptiness
I felt that pain when she got her third partner
Because all of those things that I cherished
We're ripped away from me immediately
And yes that part still stings
But it's not as painful as it was
Because it's been a few months since then
So what am I mourning now?
It's hard to say because I don't think I should be sad
I want to be happy because I'm free
I feel relief but the sadness is still there
The pain is still present underneath
It's hard to accept this depression
Because she is not worth it
Because she was emotionally abusive
And I don't want to give her that control over me
But that doesn't stop the feeling
It doesn't stop the hurting
If anything it makes it worse because I'm ignoring it
I'm not letting myself feel
And letting myself let go and grow
I know I deserve that much
Since my recent breakup, I shut down all of my feelings. It has not been good for me, so I'm working on giving myself space and permission to feel. This is he start of series I'm writing as I'm feeling things again.
Carter Ginter
Written by
Carter Ginter  23/Trans/Wisconsin
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