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Dec 2020 · 331
Sleeping In Peace
Ash C Dec 2020
The ground caves way as it lets me in.
Almost as if I was meant to be here in tangles of grass.
With the bugs
With the sun beaming down on my taught skin of age.
My ribs itch my skin
And my eyes watch clouds and stars until they dissolve with the beauty of it all.
The trees sing, and I listen with shriveled ears until I no longer listen.
I sink, and sink, and sink,
And then, can I finally sleep in peace.
May 2020 · 159
Tell me
Ash C May 2020
Tell me
What is it that you wish
As you stare at the sky
The moon and stars watching you as you watch them
Do you sing the song that should not be sung? Or does the moon ask you too?
May 2020 · 269
The Impossible
Ash C May 2020
I lay in bed and hope
That one day I will not wilt into the sheets of my dread
And only then can I float in the impossible
Apr 2020 · 244
Why
Ash C Apr 2020
Why
Sometimes I can't pick apart why
Why I choke on the bitterness of my own hurtful words
I want not to see you, but I can't imagine life without you
Why when you enter, my being goes rigid
Like a wooden board that won't snap, but will hurt when tempted
Both you and the board
Ash C Apr 2020
There's always this pressure behind my eyes, right at the top of them
Like someone tied heavy rocks to my head and told me keep my head up
I hate that word
"Keep my head up"
I'd rather keep looking down so I won't trip into reality
Apr 2020 · 301
Hum
Ash C Apr 2020
Hum
Can I sit and stare?
Can I just listen to the hums of appliances?
As if they were someone speaking and being ignored
How could they be ignored now that it's hushed around here?
The whole right side of my upper teeth hurt. Probably these braces.
Mar 2020 · 193
Its here and over there
Ash C Mar 2020
The darkness is right there

But the light is over there too

It won't make sense to many people

But it was so much easier to walk into the dark and watch the light

And imagine

What it would feel like
Mar 2020 · 210
I'm sorry
Ash C Mar 2020
As I sit here and look at you
I can't say whether I'm close to you or not
We grew up together
So how could you feel so close but not?
You're right there
In front of me
With me
Here with me
My deepest thoughts are yours as much as yours mine!
Yet
Behind closed doors
To the people who talk to me in my vulnerability
I say what I couldn't to you
This is quite personal. Based off what I feel with this person. We know each other inside and out, but I feel like somethings in the way.
Feb 2020 · 223
I'd Wish it Was
Ash C Feb 2020
I'd wish it was

The ripping inside
Hammers bang the skull
Eyes cry acid

Anger is shaking me
It's screaming through the jitters
Eyes are the source of a waterfall
Tearing apart with sight

Feet are going raw
Sound is scratching
Touch is burning

Slipping through it all

A deep sorrow opens the gate
Leaving the land dead
Gasping
Dust is flying

Gone

I'd wish it gone
Feb 2020 · 314
how to write
Ash C Feb 2020
i was told how to pick up a pen and write
i was to scribble in certain ways to make a symbol
they said it would ground me
it would connect me
what am i supposed to connect to in the first place
they showed me how deep
how deep it could be once i picked up the pen
i could write whatever
no pain
just give it to the paper
a paper doesnt feel
it cant cry
scream
laugh
comprehend
die
it just cant
it cant
so why would i not give it my pains
i could be free

but a pencil cant be free without its paper
thats as far as i will get
I spewed this nonsense out in just a few minutes, while I feel like I've been staying up late for hours, yet it's only 10 p.m
Feb 2020 · 167
Dark Abyss
Ash C Feb 2020
The darkest of nights
The perfect time for the lights
But he couldn't see his light
Amongst the rest
All he could see was a heavy
Thick
Burdening
abyss.
Feb 2020 · 168
Something Once
Ash C Feb 2020
I have so many stories, yet none.

But there once was a flower in the corner.

It told me something of importance, something it clung too, yet didn't.

It danced under the moon.

I asked "of all places, must I ask, why the moon? Isn't it just deep?"

"It is nothing deep, yet even more so then ever," it said, "I'd much rather prefer a mess of comfort, than a cleaned smile."

That flower treated the moon not as a gatekeeper meant to take you to the next day, but as an old friend that will always be.
I love writing about the moon
Feb 2020 · 2.7k
Nobody
Ash C Feb 2020
Me?
Oh, I'm nothing
I wouldn't even say as nothing as a rock, as a spec of dust, as a worm, as an atom
Because that's still something

But you
You, you, you, you, you
You asked me to tell you something about myself
You who is more than something in my eyes

You are something amazing, gorgeous, bright, exhilarating, lovely, astonishing

You gave me something by asking
Something by looking
By touching
By hearing
By-
By God, by something!
Something!

I'm nothing, but you asked, so I must be something
Kid you not. This was inspired by a Tik Tok.
Ash C Feb 2020
There's this corner in the living room I hate
It's gonna hurt me
I will get sick from it
It's got bugs
It's darker as it gets lower into the tip of the corner
I feel like it has eyes sometimes
I don't wanna look at it
It looks at me when I sleep
I don't wanna move my pillow to that side ever
It could be a giant black oozing monster
I'm afraid I smell it
I don't wanna touch it
It's gonna hurt me
Yet I still sleep with my bed in that corner
There really is this corner i hate in my living room
Jan 2020 · 1.0k
But
Ash C Jan 2020
But
I'm told I'm talented, beautiful, amazing, smart.

Told I'm a goddess, way ahead of others, easy to talk to.

But all that doesn't matter, because I'm also told I'm a *****.
Dec 2019 · 327
Tell Me a Story
Ash C Dec 2019
Tell me a story

Tell me a story on how indescribable the way you feel for others is

hatred to the deep gut, to love from an open heart

Tell me a story where you can write all the words

but it never seems just about it

tell me how much you can love someone that you can be lead to lies easily

how much you can hate someone to the point you despise every spec of them

The story of how you can't speak

but the story of how you can feel what those people mean to you

because it's the closet you can get to showing me

how truly those feel to you

tell me a story on how you hear

how dread and horrid it can sound, to how blissfully warm

I wanna feel every shiver of warmth and cold

so I know how it engulfs you

tell me a story on how it feels to touch them

from how jagged, to how soft

tell me the biggest story of those one's

I wanna know those ways you feel

how you think you can't explain it just right

how it's so painful to listen too

to how much you can't get enough of that voice

how uncomfortably cold it feels to touch

to how it feels like it's gonna wrap you

like a big, fluffy, warm blanket on a cold winters night

tell me a story on how you can write this all out

but never seem to stop

never seem to get it perfect

never placed in the right ways.

that's the story I wanna hear

and maybe it'll sound so heavenly

maybe even so atrocious

I couldn't say how it sounded
Dec 2019 · 382
Cracking cracking cracking
Ash C Dec 2019
Cracks in a window
Can they be just like mine?
No it can't be
So fragile
Everywhere
But still there
It can't pick which is worse
It must all feel worse
It's getting out of hand
It can't understand
Just let me shatter it now
But how?
I don't have anything to use
Maybe my hand
I can punch it
In a blinding rage
Sadness
An ugly sadness
So painful
A pain that I can understand
But I fear someone's gonna notice
They might just get upset
"Why'd you you have to shatter it!?"
I hear them cry in an angering sad
So I just sit and stare at the cracks once again
I can't disappoint
So I sit and stare for a long time again
Maybe they are like me
It can't be
It just can't
Dec 2019 · 173
You may never know
Ash C Dec 2019
You may never know
But I sit in the cold sometimes
Holding the thoughts I thought would stay in my head
Attempting to keep warm

No
I am in water
Trudging through cold that hangs my head
That I believed I was untied too

No no no
I am tied to the wall
Believing I am free when I speak not of my despair
When behind it
I'm still tied

No!
You may never know
But I am still tired
And I can't close my eyes and wake rejuvenated

When I sit
Freezing in it again

When I trudge through water that just slows me down

When I'm tied to this wall
That won't let me properly breath

I search to find me through it all

But I can't

What was once me
Is no longer me
Nor am I no longer them
And they no longer me

You may never know
But that cold left me swelling
Something I thought couldn't happen before

You may never know
But that water held stuff
Stuff I didn't think before

You may never know
But that rope left my lungs trying to gasp for relief
that I never thought I'd lose before

Therefore
What was once me
Is no longer me
Nor am I no longer them
And they no longer me

You may never know
But me who was once
Is taking what I got
And making it me

You may never know
But I try
I wrote this as a vent to express what I'm going through.
Dec 2019 · 714
No Crying
Ash C Dec 2019
You're grown now

You can't cry

I wont allow

So don't you dare try

I know deep down you wanna bawl

But you're grown, you're grown

If you let go, it'll be a waterfall

So claim your throne

Because up there

You're gonna have to bare
Dec 2019 · 967
The Beauty I See In You
Ash C Dec 2019
What a beautiful day
The sun making you more the beauty to look at
so please don't stray

Will you hold my hand? ­
I wanna feel this beauty that the sun has stowed me
you are very grand ­

You blossom like a flower I would say is pretty in my back yard
sure that flower may not be the prettiest to society
but it's here and it's gained my regard

Your lips look soft
but will they actually feel soft against mine?
You make my mind feel like a loft

No more worries are in my head
plenty of space for the warm happiness
I can sleep in complete bliss with the thought of you in my bed

But I guess were not there yet
You sit next to me in this vast field
not breaking a sweat

My heart pounds as I see you laugh
Smile that pretty smile of yours
Would you mind giving me your love, half?

You talk about the girl you love
I wish I can talk about the you that I love
You say she's like a beautiful dove

I wonder what I'm like to you
can I be a beautiful dove too?
maybe I'm the boy, without you, who's always blue

Her leaving your tongue is stinging
like the needle piercing through my fabric
Maybe the feeling of my arm wringing

Just thinking the same beautiful thoughts of you
for now it's all I need
to see you too

But the truth is
I'll need more than just thinking of you and seeing you
I'll want your touch
your lips
your eyes
your heart

But here we are again
a beautiful day
But what did I gain?

Maybe just more pain
This was inspired by "Lovesick Boys" by Conan Gray.

This one is low key one my fave poems I wrote.
Dec 2019 · 388
Venom
Ash C Dec 2019
He's there
Reaching that hand out
In disguise of a fellow man

Grabbing you into his world
Shinning that smile
That hides his cynicals

His eyes full of wonder in the person you are
His lies locked behind what seemed to be truth in those gems of irises
Longing in a sickening desire

Love burns you alive from what seeps from him
Painless, numbed by the blindness of love
He holds you like you've never had before

He's there
Glimmering shards of white lights
The pits of fire in those wonderment of eyes
Vemon seep from the tounge.
I found this in my files, having no remembrance of writing it, but it was in my files, so I guess i wrote it. Never finished it. Not even sure what i was really going for besides a man who lies behind perfection.
Dec 2019 · 282
Moon
Ash C Dec 2019
A melancholy tune in my head to ease me of a day

It recites the bad

It puts me to sleep with a tear of bitter sweetness

More bitter than I
I'd wish sweet

The moon sits above

Staring down upon the sun as it lays to rest

I fear

What will it whisper to the sun?

"As a day of  bitter you bring, let me be the one to bring forth an ease of sweetness for the night"

Eyes close and I just hope that the moon has not left the sun my tears again

Maybe it'll make it up with sweet sleep the next night
Dec 2019 · 240
Tears, Love
Ash C Dec 2019
Find love that can count your tears and tell you the story hidden in each and every one.

They tell you those stories are nothing, don't worry, the real stories are the ones that never shed, because they never disappear into the sheets of the bed.
Nov 2019 · 500
Rose Red & Thorns deep
Ash C Nov 2019
as pretty as the rose was,

she grabbed the thorns first

and she enjoyed the color red


the thorns dug deep

but she grabbed it first knowing she would drip red

the flower was only grabbing back

knowing it would lose it's thorns

— The End —