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"dreading" poems
Clothes have outgrown me many times over, but this sadness never does. One size. fits all. There should have been an obituary for cancer,  not you. Wishing these slits within my skin could have been replaced by a reality check from you, “You chose to exist.” My name causes a sigh to escape from lips, that do not feel like they belong to me, the girl, whose words always had to be special. The schematics of hospitals like a birthmark in my brain, born into sadness, a gut feeling as a child. Never trusting time due to what it delivers. Death, being the only thing I desired. But you,  who I love, endlessly- robbed by it. Whose ebb for life glowed so feverishly. Stopped comparing depression to lace, restricted the belief that suicide is poetic, seeing things as they were. More often than not, applauded for feeling emotions deeply. Every second that dies, the shift of my heart quakes. This world is not tender. II. Sad. I have known the flowers I wanted at my own premature funeral, knowing how many bouquets honored you that day. split open my veins like a dimension reminiscent of days where I anticipated deathbeds. My family wondered, can we make it through another day? Death scares me for what it has taken, yet, I’m not afraid to die- it’s all I deserve. So I await the day pain erupts from my throat, acknowledging the days a soul lived inside of my body- footprints that walked, belonging to me. But I learned so well. How to suffer with a smile, dreading the beating of my heart how unfair— I don’t want to take these deep breaths You deserved,while I masquerade as a member of the undead Never outgrowing the desire to rot with the phantoms residing under my bed. III. Jokes played by the universe. punchlines delivered, how could anyone to stand to be in the same room as myself? How could anyone look over skyscrapers and sunsets, and not be infatuated with concrete consuming them? How I shared a sigh of relief during the thought- of knowing people would thrive without me, or the power of a belly laugh, resembling a laugh track audience drowning out 3 AM suicidal thoughts.
0
Jul 20, 2018
Jul 20, 2018 at 11:23 PM UTC
Writing Suicide Notes In Gel Pen
Clothes have outgrown me many times over, but this sadness never does. One size. fits all. There should have been an obituary for cancer,  not you. Wishing these slits within my skin could have been replaced by a reality check from you, “You chose to exist.” My name causes a sigh to escape from lips, that do not feel like they belong to me, the girl, whose words always had to be special. The schematics of hospitals like a birthmark in my brain, born into sadness, a gut feeling as a child. Never trusting time due to what it delivers. Death, being the only thing I desired. But you,  who I love, endlessly- robbed by it. Whose ebb for life glowed so feverishly. Stopped comparing depression to lace, restricted the belief that suicide is poetic, seeing things as they were. More often than not, applauded for feeling emotions deeply. Every second that dies, the shift of my heart quakes. This world is not tender. II. Sad. I have known the flowers I wanted at my own premature funeral, knowing how many bouquets honored you that day. split open my veins like a dimension reminiscent of days where I anticipated deathbeds. My family wondered, can we make it through another day? Death scares me for what it has taken, yet, I’m not afraid to die- it’s all I deserve. So I await the day pain erupts from my throat, acknowledging the days a soul lived inside of my body- footprints that walked, belonging to me. But I learned so well. How to suffer with a smile, dreading the beating of my heart how unfair— I don’t want to take these deep breaths You deserved,while I masquerade as a member of the undead Never outgrowing the desire to rot with the phantoms residing under my bed. III. Jokes played by the universe. punchlines delivered, how could anyone to stand to be in the same room as myself? How could anyone look over skyscrapers and sunsets, and not be infatuated with concrete consuming them? How I shared a sigh of relief during the thought- of knowing people would thrive without me, or the power of a belly laugh, resembling a laugh track audience drowning out 3 AM suicidal thoughts.
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60
We'll travel down the old stone path, Wondering why these things started to change. We'll walk along the old train tracks, Thinking of all the words that we once sang. And it's so hard to stay so young forever, School and work and life get in the way. You're just like the last day of summer, Days feel like weeks, weeks feel like a day. We'll run amongst the old beech trees, And count our blessings, dreading August's end. We'll sing about another time, When we can be together once again. And it's so hard to stay so young forever, School and work and life get in the way. You're just like the last day of summer, Days feel like weeks, weeks feel like a day.
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Sep 1, 2013
Sep 1, 2013 at 11:57 AM UTC
August's End
Here I stood with ***** crystals beneath my feet and waited for the sky to turn golden. Here I laughed into the echoing tunnel under my home as wet earth dripped on my skin. Here I learned about parenthood among feathers and little eggs and ungodly morning crows. Here I gloated about the manhood which sprouted from under my arms and in my mischievous thoughts. Here I waited till dark to meet him in secret all the while dreading the sound of tires on gravel. Here I buzzed with excitement as the boys had their lazy Sunday afternoon. Here his freckles came close to mine as he softly said "you're so beautiful" with Bruno Mars playing in the background. Here I said I would never grow up. Here I comforted her with my pain because I had to be brave. Here I forgot that being called "muddy children who act like savages " was considered an insult. Here I cried into the stars for reasons I didn't understand. Here I walked on hands and feet with happy little scratches and silent giggles. Here only the sound of our beating hearts and delicate pride could be heard as I held him close. Here I sang at the top of my favorite tree and waited for the words to hurt him as much as he hurt me. Here the glow of a flashlight illuminated our tent as I asked her if she liked me like that. Here a little piece of me was left sitting on a branch waiting to capture the next magical heart. Here I wrote "I love you" on a mango leaf only to realize that he spelled love differently. Here I sat beneath bright green trees and pondered my not-so-complicated life. Here my words came out blurry and my stomach swayed like a sail boat out on a windy morning. Here my hands went numb as I raced to the end of his life. Here I visit through pictures and messy journals to remember the little things that are now so so big. Here I left muddy footprints now covered with grass, but here they will stay.
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Sep 16, 2018
Sep 16, 2018 at 5:13 PM UTC
Muddy Footprints
Here I stood with ***** crystals beneath my feet and waited for the sky to turn golden. Here I laughed into the echoing tunnel under my home as wet earth dripped on my skin. Here I learned about parenthood among feathers and little eggs and ungodly morning crows. Here I gloated about the manhood which sprouted from under my arms and in my mischievous thoughts. Here I waited till dark to meet him in secret all the while dreading the sound of tires on gravel. Here I buzzed with excitement as the boys had their lazy Sunday afternoon. Here his freckles came close to mine as he softly said "you're so beautiful" with Bruno Mars playing in the background. Here I said I would never grow up. Here I comforted her with my pain because I had to be brave. Here I forgot that being called "muddy children who act like savages " was considered an insult. Here I cried into the stars for reasons I didn't understand. Here I walked on hands and feet with happy little scratches and silent giggles. Here only the sound of our beating hearts and delicate pride could be heard as I held him close. Here I sang at the top of my favorite tree and waited for the words to hurt him as much as he hurt me. Here the glow of a flashlight illuminated our tent as I asked her if she liked me like that. Here a little piece of me was left sitting on a branch waiting to capture the next magical heart. Here I wrote "I love you" on a mango leaf only to realize that he spelled love differently. Here I sat beneath bright green trees and pondered my not-so-complicated life. Here my words came out blurry and my stomach swayed like a sail boat out on a windy morning. Here my hands went numb as I raced to the end of his life. Here I visit through pictures and messy journals to remember the little things that are now so so big. Here I left muddy footprints now covered with grass, but here they will stay.
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22
The sky is falling The people are hiding The jackboots are on their way A mother is calling A child is crying Uncertain they'll live through the day The tanks, they are treading Across sovereign borders Some soldiers are dreading Their inhumane orders Though they have an advantage This war can't be won And that "collateral damage" Is somebody's son The victims of war Are the poor and the sick Slaughtered like cattle For the wealthy and rich
0
Jan 13, 2016
Jan 13, 2016 at 8:47 PM UTC
War Never Changes
Another drink, Another smoke. One more story, One more book. A long day out, A night awake. Two more songs, Four more games. Daydreaming again, Creating stories in her head. Dreading the moment, she's alone once again. “I’m fighting my demons,” She says. “I’m pushing them away.” He shakes his head. “My dear, it seems to me, That you are running away.”
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Jul 22, 2014
Jul 22, 2014 at 7:36 PM UTC
Escapism
I wrote about you, day and night You are my moon, you are my sun I wished for the day when we would finally unite Like the stars in the galaxy, shining bright I was dreading the fact that the day might never come When you wrap me in your arms and tell me it's fine When you utter those words and protect me for life My dread was increasing, my hopes were decreasing I slowly shattered into a deep despair Losing all senses of a fulfilled life and hope I thought that the fantasies and dreams in my head are unrealistic and are merely an illusion But then there you were, my protector, my hero You grabbed me right at the end of the cliff and held me tight You reassured and brought my soul back to life You were my protector, and I was yours We are now, now and forever, inseparable For we suffered too long in the absence of one another
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Feb 28, 2015
Feb 28, 2015 at 2:30 PM UTC
My Soulmate
vacation was little hands holding onto mine, hazel eyes looking up at me. mouth pulled into a toothy grin, a two year old giggle. saying “i love you” and dreading “goodbye”vacation was hearing “aunty pizza!” all week long it was snuggles and playtime. it was a silent house without you. vacation was melting crayons and staying up late. vacation was my week with Lacey and I wish I had it back.
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Jul 2, 2014
Jul 2, 2014 at 8:38 PM UTC
vacation
I took a plane here I didn't come by boat I crashed into the ocean but i learned how to float I loved it here when i first came around The more i explored the more things i found Sparkling rivers and deep seas these are a few of my favorite scenes From the golden beaches and very tall trees the animals can run free But as time goes on the excitement is gone I finally know in this nightmare of dreams everything here is not what it seems I now know i am stranded on this island of misery I spend everyday dreading the never ending sea.
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May 26, 2014
May 26, 2014 at 5:31 PM UTC
Ralph's Point Of View Of The Island (Lord Of The Flies)
*Silver flame burn in her eyes as she tries to hold back her tears Dark shining fires   shooting like spears beating beats of fear. Rain drops falling the greyness in the field, by the river shine of the diamond devoid of the glitter slowly the sparks die. Rings don't bond them back unstretched the spring broken ties, empty hearts unopened carts but a game of cards. Moved back in position dreading the new season searching the reasons blaming themselves in those eerie silences. Fighting themselves to break but trying in hearts another stitch the tear too large a very hard wreck unlikely to be any merger.*
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Dec 7, 2017
Dec 7, 2017 at 10:39 AM UTC
No merger
Am I really The air that you breathe? 'Cuz I'm ready To see the truth behind your lies. I'm still dreading When they shape into your eyes. I've yet to shed a tear. Bleeding tongues, Burning hands... That sound still hurts my head. A click of the hammer, My dreams will spill out, This is my answer To my questions of doubt. Take away That tone in your voice. Shake me awake when you go; For I long To be Close to you. She cries out to her god She begs him to come. I'm sorry my dear But, Bleeding tongues, Burning hands, That sound still lingers In the back of my head. I hope you realize your god is dead. Your savior is gone. Look at yourself, Eating your cancer, Showering me with Pain that I know. That fear in your heart Is what keeps me around. Your savior is nowhere, Hiding in the clouds. Please grasp this message And look towards the ground. The only thing you need, Is the hope in your fear, Now turn around, breathe and face me my dear...
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Nov 12, 2012
Nov 12, 2012 at 3:29 PM UTC
Doubtfully Living
reach into our past, 'cause we don't wanna look back feeling for the memories enough of all the pain please hoping for consolence always feeling cold since all that we were never turned into forever trying to remember stirring dying embers doing it the hard way darling no we can't stay 'cause.... we're... fading fading fading into oblivion we're fading fading fading into oblivion dreading my tomorrow fed up with the sorrow left it on the back porch burnt it with a lit torch we said it was the end tired of playing pretend but where are all the good days? back when we were always dreaming of the future never thought of after 'cause.... we're... fading fading fast fading fading fast into oblivion oblivion stretching out the last bits ignoring where regret sits drifting off into space i knew it was too late 'cause.... we're... fading fading fading into oblivion fading fading fading into oblivion.
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Apr 5, 2013
Apr 5, 2013 at 10:37 AM UTC
oblivion
When shall we learn, what should be clear as day, We cannot choose what we are free to love? Although the mouse we banished yesterday Is an enraged rhinoceros today, Our value is more threatened than we know: Shabby objections to our present day Go snooping round its outskirts; night and day Faces, orations, battles, bait our will As questionable forms and noises will; Whole phyla of resentments every day Give status to the wild men of the world Who rule the absent-minded and this world. We are created from and with the world To suffer with and from it day by day: Whether we meet in a majestic world Of solid measurements or a dream world Of swans and gold, we are required to love All homeless objects that require a world. Our claim to own our bodies and our world Is our catastrophe. What can we know But panic and caprice until we know Our dreadful appetite demands a world Whose order, origin, and purpose will Be fluent satisfaction of our will? Drift, Autumn, drift; fall, colours, where you will: Bald melancholia minces through the world. Regret, cold oceans, the lymphatic will Caught in reflection on the right to will: While violent dogs excite their dying day To bacchic fury; snarl, though, as they will, Their teeth are not a triumph for the will But utter hesitation. What we love Ourselves for is our power not to love, To shrink to nothing or explode at will, To ruin and remember that we know What ruins and hyaenas cannot know. If in this dark now I less often know That spiral staircase where the haunted will Hunts for its stolen luggage, who should know Better than you, beloved, how I know What gives security to any world. Or in whose mirror I begin to know The chaos of the heart as merchants know Their coins and cities, genius its own day? For through our lively traffic all the day, In my own person I am forced to know How much must be forgotten out of love, How much must be forgiven, even love. Dear flesh, dear mind, dear spirit, O dear love, In the depths of myself blind monsters know Your presence and are angry, dreading Love That asks its image for more than love; The hot rampageous horses of my will, Catching the scent of Heaven, whinny: Love Gives no excuse to evil done for love, Neither in you, nor me, nor armies, nor the world Of words and wheels, nor any other world. Dear fellow-creature, praise our God of Love That we are so admonished, that no day Of conscious trial be a wasted day. Or else we make a scarecrow of the day, Loose ends and jumble of our common world, And stuff and nonsense of our own free will; Or else our changing flesh may never know There must be sorrow if there can be love.
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5.1k
Canzone
When shall we learn, what should be clear as day, We cannot choose what we are free to love? Although the mouse we banished yesterday Is an enraged rhinoceros today, Our value is more threatened than we know: Shabby objections to our present day Go snooping round its outskirts; night and day Faces, orations, battles, bait our will As questionable forms and noises will; Whole phyla of resentments every day Give status to the wild men of the world Who rule the absent-minded and this world. We are created from and with the world To suffer with and from it day by day: Whether we meet in a majestic world Of solid measurements or a dream world Of swans and gold, we are required to love All homeless objects that require a world. Our claim to own our bodies and our world Is our catastrophe. What can we know But panic and caprice until we know Our dreadful appetite demands a world Whose order, origin, and purpose will Be fluent satisfaction of our will? Drift, Autumn, drift; fall, colours, where you will: Bald melancholia minces through the world. Regret, cold oceans, the lymphatic will Caught in reflection on the right to will: While violent dogs excite their dying day To bacchic fury; snarl, though, as they will, Their teeth are not a triumph for the will But utter hesitation. What we love Ourselves for is our power not to love, To shrink to nothing or explode at will, To ruin and remember that we know What ruins and hyaenas cannot know. If in this dark now I less often know That spiral staircase where the haunted will Hunts for its stolen luggage, who should know Better than you, beloved, how I know What gives security to any world. Or in whose mirror I begin to know The chaos of the heart as merchants know Their coins and cities, genius its own day? For through our lively traffic all the day, In my own person I am forced to know How much must be forgotten out of love, How much must be forgiven, even love. Dear flesh, dear mind, dear spirit, O dear love, In the depths of myself blind monsters know Your presence and are angry, dreading Love That asks its image for more than love; The hot rampageous horses of my will, Catching the scent of Heaven, whinny: Love Gives no excuse to evil done for love, Neither in you, nor me, nor armies, nor the world Of words and wheels, nor any other world. Dear fellow-creature, praise our God of Love That we are so admonished, that no day Of conscious trial be a wasted day. Or else we make a scarecrow of the day, Loose ends and jumble of our common world, And stuff and nonsense of our own free will; Or else our changing flesh may never know There must be sorrow if there can be love.
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65
In all of my twenty years of life, I have been many things. A daughter A sister A friend A lover But now, I am no longer my father’s little girl. My father doesn’t talk to me anymore; He says that I don’t look him in the eyes, And he is right, but not for the reason he believes I am afraid to look him in the eyes Because I don’t want to see myself reflected in them, Proof of my failure to separate myself from him, Proof that I am him and always will be him I do not want to become my father, Stuck in a marriage with no love left Or love that is there Only because it is supposed to be I do not want to become my father, Constantly on the verge of tiredness, And whether that tiredness is directed at His family or his life, I shall never know Because I do not want to become my father All sharp words and angry edges, Keeping everyone around him on their toes, Keeping my head on a swivel to not upset him I do not want to be my father. I do not want to make my children feel as though they will never measure up to Impossible standards, set way too high I do not want to be my father, Telling my daughter that she’s eating too much And not looking at me enough, Guilt-tripping her into half-hearted apologies, Said with tears trembling in her eyes I do not want to be my father. I do not want my children to be frightened of me, Dreading the thought of my arrival home Waiting in fear of my reaction to something they’ve done I do not want to be my father. My home will be a gentle home, Peaceful and quiet, With no rage-filled shouting matches I do not want to be my father, Wondering where he went wrong with his daughter, That she would stand in front of him, angry tears on her cheeks, Screaming at him that she wishes that she were dead I do not want to be my father. Struggling to catch up with the times, Grudgingly supportive of the daughter that is different, The daughter that loves men and women, But only because he has to be I do not want to be my father But I wish that sometimes, I could be his little girl again, Back when everything was ok And it still felt like he loved me I do not want to be my father, But sometimes, It feels as though I will never be anything more
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Jun 9, 2023
Jun 9, 2023 at 10:44 PM UTC
My Father's Little Girl
In all of my twenty years of life, I have been many things. A daughter A sister A friend A lover But now, I am no longer my father’s little girl. My father doesn’t talk to me anymore; He says that I don’t look him in the eyes, And he is right, but not for the reason he believes I am afraid to look him in the eyes Because I don’t want to see myself reflected in them, Proof of my failure to separate myself from him, Proof that I am him and always will be him I do not want to become my father, Stuck in a marriage with no love left Or love that is there Only because it is supposed to be I do not want to become my father, Constantly on the verge of tiredness, And whether that tiredness is directed at His family or his life, I shall never know Because I do not want to become my father All sharp words and angry edges, Keeping everyone around him on their toes, Keeping my head on a swivel to not upset him I do not want to be my father. I do not want to make my children feel as though they will never measure up to Impossible standards, set way too high I do not want to be my father, Telling my daughter that she’s eating too much And not looking at me enough, Guilt-tripping her into half-hearted apologies, Said with tears trembling in her eyes I do not want to be my father. I do not want my children to be frightened of me, Dreading the thought of my arrival home Waiting in fear of my reaction to something they’ve done I do not want to be my father. My home will be a gentle home, Peaceful and quiet, With no rage-filled shouting matches I do not want to be my father, Wondering where he went wrong with his daughter, That she would stand in front of him, angry tears on her cheeks, Screaming at him that she wishes that she were dead I do not want to be my father. Struggling to catch up with the times, Grudgingly supportive of the daughter that is different, The daughter that loves men and women, But only because he has to be I do not want to be my father But I wish that sometimes, I could be his little girl again, Back when everything was ok And it still felt like he loved me I do not want to be my father, But sometimes, It feels as though I will never be anything more
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61
If I could have any ability in the world I would not want it to be the ability to stop time. In the beginning I would use it to get work done or to get a little extra sleep before work or to get all of my tables their drinks and meals in seconds. But it would not take long for me to start abusing it. Suddenly I would find myself in a difficult position. I would convince myself that it was okay just this one time to postpone it just a little, to gain my thoughts, to mentally prepare but once would turn into twice. Twice into four times. Four times would lead to eight. Suddenly I would avoid every problem. Every stumble. Every single rough spot in my life would be a blink away from being paused. Who is to say that it wouldn't become indefinite? At some point I would become so obsessed with stopping time and avoiding every hardship that I might actually stop it forever. I would never let anything else hurt me but would I smile or laugh? I would never hold someone’s hand or wake up completely well rested with a breeze coming in my window and the smell of breakfast swimming under my nose. The worst of it all is I would discover that in the end I was avoiding all that pain only to create on much worse; the pain of not living. Super powers are left to movies, comic books and my dreams yet people try to stop time every day. They do it by ignoring a phone call or avoiding a certain store or restaurant so they don't have to "deal" with some issue they are dreading. But the truth is that those problems, those things we work so hard to ignore are the best things that could ever happen to us. If I took every negative thought and experience and eliminate it from my history, would I really be any happier? Would I even know what happy is if I didn't know what it was like to be sad first?
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Oct 17, 2010
Oct 17, 2010 at 11:01 AM UTC
Time Management
If I could have any ability in the world I would not want it to be the ability to stop time. In the beginning I would use it to get work done or to get a little extra sleep before work or to get all of my tables their drinks and meals in seconds. But it would not take long for me to start abusing it. Suddenly I would find myself in a difficult position. I would convince myself that it was okay just this one time to postpone it just a little, to gain my thoughts, to mentally prepare but once would turn into twice. Twice into four times. Four times would lead to eight. Suddenly I would avoid every problem. Every stumble. Every single rough spot in my life would be a blink away from being paused. Who is to say that it wouldn't become indefinite? At some point I would become so obsessed with stopping time and avoiding every hardship that I might actually stop it forever. I would never let anything else hurt me but would I smile or laugh? I would never hold someone’s hand or wake up completely well rested with a breeze coming in my window and the smell of breakfast swimming under my nose. The worst of it all is I would discover that in the end I was avoiding all that pain only to create on much worse; the pain of not living. Super powers are left to movies, comic books and my dreams yet people try to stop time every day. They do it by ignoring a phone call or avoiding a certain store or restaurant so they don't have to "deal" with some issue they are dreading. But the truth is that those problems, those things we work so hard to ignore are the best things that could ever happen to us. If I took every negative thought and experience and eliminate it from my history, would I really be any happier? Would I even know what happy is if I didn't know what it was like to be sad first?
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23
The sun is setting, The painted sky, All I see is black lighting, Which makes me cry. The silence that kills, My heart collides, The fire drills, All those painful rides. The drips and drops, Like on a rainy night, A rabbit hops, I see no light. Dreading myself, In endless sorrow, In mindless shelfs, The screaming crow. And now it's the end, Of this painful book, Memories end, My heart shook. ... I feel hopeless ...
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Apr 26, 2015
Apr 26, 2015 at 10:15 AM UTC
Hopeless
Fingers make contact with hands,                                              we can’t stand like, butter flies      on        a tree branch amidst a strange wind. Fluttering above trees rooted in sidewalks, out of sight. And it feels like the texture of our shirts is truth,     the cat fur,        the bed sheets,            our clenched teeth, Molly whispers in our head a meditative melody, and we’re rollin,' our infinite eyes hung together in widened silence, enjoying a good lie. Indigo children with no words, just hands, applauding the feeling, dreading the end. Time past, grown up, deflated, we come down to see that sober is just categorizing adjectives.
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Jan 13, 2015
Jan 13, 2015 at 6:30 PM UTC
Molly
if words are food for the mind, then here is a glimpse of mine if words are drugs for the brain, then here is why i'm so pained. abandoned, abhorrent abnormal, absent abstract, abuse addicted, anxious betray, bitterly blank, blasphemy bloodless, breakdown breathless, brutal captive, casually catastrophe, cautiously change, cigarettes crucial, clueless damaged, dangerous deadly, disastrous disheartened, disconcerting dramatic, dreading eager, eccentric ecstasy, eerie effete, effortless embittered, excess faded, failure faintly, fallacy faltering, fatally fearfully, finally garbage, gawky gibberish, gloomy gone, goodbye graphic, gratify hallucinate, harshly hazy, heartless hectic, helpless hesitant, hit-and-miss idiotic, idly ignorant, intimacy illogical, imaginative infatuated, intoxicated jealousy, jittery journey, journal joylessly, judicial junk, juvenile keen, killing knavish, knocking knockout, knotty knowingly, knowledge laborious, lacking lame, languishing lifeless, literature lovelorn, lugubrious madness, maintenance make-believe, malaise mean, melancholic mellow, melodramatic naff, naivety nameless, naturally nauseous, nebulous neglected, nervous oasis, objectionable obliged, obliterate oblivion, obscurity obsolete, one-and-only pacifist, pained pale, panicky paradise, paralyze passionately, passively raging, ranting rationalize, raving realistic, reasonable rebellious, reckless saboteur, sadness sake, sameness sanity, satisfactory scar, steady taint, tangled tasteless, tearful telling, temperamental terror, theoretical unaffected, uncanny uncommon, unconsciously undesirable, uneasy unfortunate, untidy vaguely, vanish vanity, vanquish versatile, vicious violence, voracious waiting, waking walkout, wanting wasteful, weary withering, wrecking if words are food for the mind, then you've seen a glimpse of mine if words are drugs for the brain, then no wonder i'm so pained. -djs
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Aug 5, 2013
Aug 5, 2013 at 11:21 PM UTC
a glimpse of my mind
if words are food for the mind, then here is a glimpse of mine if words are drugs for the brain, then here is why i'm so pained. abandoned, abhorrent abnormal, absent abstract, abuse addicted, anxious betray, bitterly blank, blasphemy bloodless, breakdown breathless, brutal captive, casually catastrophe, cautiously change, cigarettes crucial, clueless damaged, dangerous deadly, disastrous disheartened, disconcerting dramatic, dreading eager, eccentric ecstasy, eerie effete, effortless embittered, excess faded, failure faintly, fallacy faltering, fatally fearfully, finally garbage, gawky gibberish, gloomy gone, goodbye graphic, gratify hallucinate, harshly hazy, heartless hectic, helpless hesitant, hit-and-miss idiotic, idly ignorant, intimacy illogical, imaginative infatuated, intoxicated jealousy, jittery journey, journal joylessly, judicial junk, juvenile keen, killing knavish, knocking knockout, knotty knowingly, knowledge laborious, lacking lame, languishing lifeless, literature lovelorn, lugubrious madness, maintenance make-believe, malaise mean, melancholic mellow, melodramatic naff, naivety nameless, naturally nauseous, nebulous neglected, nervous oasis, objectionable obliged, obliterate oblivion, obscurity obsolete, one-and-only pacifist, pained pale, panicky paradise, paralyze passionately, passively raging, ranting rationalize, raving realistic, reasonable rebellious, reckless saboteur, sadness sake, sameness sanity, satisfactory scar, steady taint, tangled tasteless, tearful telling, temperamental terror, theoretical unaffected, uncanny uncommon, unconsciously undesirable, uneasy unfortunate, untidy vaguely, vanish vanity, vanquish versatile, vicious violence, voracious waiting, waking walkout, wanting wasteful, weary withering, wrecking if words are food for the mind, then you've seen a glimpse of mine if words are drugs for the brain, then no wonder i'm so pained. -djs
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97
Tick, tick, Down, down, the watch beeps On the hour, Every hour, I always hear it, I go to bed at nine, And can hear it counting, Ten, Eleven,Twelve One, Two, ThreeFourFive Now I have to wake up in an hour and a half, I didn’t sleep, Should I have done something instead? Maybe done that essay, Or finished those slides, I have so much work to do But I’m stuck inside My own head, filled with This fog of exhaustion And confusion, Why can’t I just Fall         A                s                      l                                e                                                          e                                                                p Instead of Purgatory in my bed, But I’m so dreading the upcoming hell There’s a part of me that Wants to stay awake, Live through the hours Because I’m not skipping ahead Like a game, I don’t Skip the night Since there are things to do, right? But I’m not even doing anything Useless pictures fill my head, Impossible to put into words, Fantasies of a history That never was, A future that never will be A creature, almost human, Glowing with a white light, With a voice that echoes, Electronic and demonic Keeping me awake, My god, why can’t I dream properly, In half-remembered fragments Like my living nightmares All seem to be... Turning the alarm off at 6:30, I realise I haven’t slept at all I groan and roll over Then get up. We have work to do.
0
Dec 2, 2018
Dec 2, 2018 at 5:03 PM UTC
Hours
Tick, tick, Down, down, the watch beeps On the hour, Every hour, I always hear it, I go to bed at nine, And can hear it counting, Ten, Eleven,Twelve One, Two, ThreeFourFive Now I have to wake up in an hour and a half, I didn’t sleep, Should I have done something instead? Maybe done that essay, Or finished those slides, I have so much work to do But I’m stuck inside My own head, filled with This fog of exhaustion And confusion, Why can’t I just Fall         A                s                      l                                e                                                          e                                                                p Instead of Purgatory in my bed, But I’m so dreading the upcoming hell There’s a part of me that Wants to stay awake, Live through the hours Because I’m not skipping ahead Like a game, I don’t Skip the night Since there are things to do, right? But I’m not even doing anything Useless pictures fill my head, Impossible to put into words, Fantasies of a history That never was, A future that never will be A creature, almost human, Glowing with a white light, With a voice that echoes, Electronic and demonic Keeping me awake, My god, why can’t I dream properly, In half-remembered fragments Like my living nightmares All seem to be... Turning the alarm off at 6:30, I realise I haven’t slept at all I groan and roll over Then get up. We have work to do.
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61
Shadows They're all I see Waiting for the tendrils of ash Following me Dreading the encasing bleakness they enhance Ruining My dreams Running Is all I can do Away Far Far Away Not because shadows are hollow Dark Empty But because this shadow Is Formed By Me
0
Jun 21, 2015
Jun 21, 2015 at 3:16 PM UTC
A shadow
sail boats and oceans and really anything that floats and carries a person far away in a big body of water I don’t think I have to say why it’s obvious I’m sure everyone has a thing for sail boats and oceans I like busses too I seem to get really impatient on them, and I like that a lot because I know I can’t do anything about it it’s a game of Will I Go Crazy Or Will I Have A Snooze? I like being stuck between being stuck and being unstuck one day I want to sit on a bus for 24 hours and see what happens (I will be doing a lot of that in the month of October) I’ll bring books, my iPod and movies to watch on my laptop but I’ll probably just stare out the window hours on end tall buildings will turn into blurry trees and blurry trees will turn into pixilated neon canola crops and there’ll be cows and ponies and one long road to Montreal then Toronto then who the **** knows where because I am already dreading going home after the trip even though I haven’t left for the trip yet it’s months to come I have a thing for finding a new home everywhere I go but I never find one I like the process of looking for a really long time then giving up from discouragement and sad feelings of abandonment stemmed from my childhood daddy issues I’m pretty sure everyone has daddy-abandonment issues I have a thing for assuming every one has the same problems that I do but it turns out that there are loads of girls that like to eat lots and don’t feel ashamed of the extra scoop of double fudge ice cream and there are teenagers that get along with their fathers and look up to them they go out for lunches and joke about dates and fix cars and tell their little girls they’ll always be their little girls and go on awkward shopping sprees and barbecue but everyone has a thing for sail boats and water we all want to escape our eating disorder and drinking problem a skinny body or a bulky body bad grades and perfectionism the people pleasing pushovers fathers and mothers and old european traditions family dinners that go perfectly and are so boring because of it the fragility of feeling unique the arrogance of feeling unique the lack of faith in ourselves being alone
0
Aug 30, 2012
Aug 30, 2012 at 2:47 PM UTC
I have a thing for
sail boats and oceans and really anything that floats and carries a person far away in a big body of water I don’t think I have to say why it’s obvious I’m sure everyone has a thing for sail boats and oceans I like busses too I seem to get really impatient on them, and I like that a lot because I know I can’t do anything about it it’s a game of Will I Go Crazy Or Will I Have A Snooze? I like being stuck between being stuck and being unstuck one day I want to sit on a bus for 24 hours and see what happens (I will be doing a lot of that in the month of October) I’ll bring books, my iPod and movies to watch on my laptop but I’ll probably just stare out the window hours on end tall buildings will turn into blurry trees and blurry trees will turn into pixilated neon canola crops and there’ll be cows and ponies and one long road to Montreal then Toronto then who the **** knows where because I am already dreading going home after the trip even though I haven’t left for the trip yet it’s months to come I have a thing for finding a new home everywhere I go but I never find one I like the process of looking for a really long time then giving up from discouragement and sad feelings of abandonment stemmed from my childhood daddy issues I’m pretty sure everyone has daddy-abandonment issues I have a thing for assuming every one has the same problems that I do but it turns out that there are loads of girls that like to eat lots and don’t feel ashamed of the extra scoop of double fudge ice cream and there are teenagers that get along with their fathers and look up to them they go out for lunches and joke about dates and fix cars and tell their little girls they’ll always be their little girls and go on awkward shopping sprees and barbecue but everyone has a thing for sail boats and water we all want to escape our eating disorder and drinking problem a skinny body or a bulky body bad grades and perfectionism the people pleasing pushovers fathers and mothers and old european traditions family dinners that go perfectly and are so boring because of it the fragility of feeling unique the arrogance of feeling unique the lack of faith in ourselves being alone
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58
How do you tell someone that you’re tired of existing? No one has done anything wrong, and by all normal standards this day has been quite nice, but something in me can’t handle that. Something in me can’t stand this constant standard of “surviving” Being exhausted of simply being is draining and no amount of stimulant can correct this. How do you tell someone that it takes all of you to simply wake up in the morning? To wake, to breathe. How do you tell them that it’s nothing they’ve done, but you just can’t do it anymore. How do you say **** like this? How do I think **** like this? Where could I go? France? Scotland? How far would I have to run for these hounds to stop their pursuit of me? Will they stop this chase? The answer is no. No, I don’t think they will. I think they’ll keep ******* chasing me. They’ll keep coming. They’ll keep this race no matter how run-ragged I may be. They’ll keep pace, keep biting at my ankles, keep snarling, snuffling, tearing the ground with their paws. They’ll hunt me until the end— no matter how many rivers or oceans I cross. Or maybe the river Styx will clog their all-knowing-noses….I shouldn’t have given them my scent. But they know it now. They know it and they want more. I’m living off jolts of too much caffeine right now. What way is that to live? Living, though is an overstatement. I’m not living— I’m just taking up space. Taking up space and filling up volumes with these hollow words— as if I don’t know how stale I sound. So where can I go? What do I do? What the hell do I do when I can’t even decide if I want to be Alive? What do I WANT to do? I WANT a house in the mountains. I want an herb garden planted in the shape of a sacred spiral. I want a river to bathe in, a fire place to cast into, a cat to hate and watch suspiciously, a dog to keep the hounds at bay, a kitchen to make magick and medicine in, and a bed warmed by someone else. I want cold nights and mornings warm only because there is skin against my back. I want not to be a prisoner of my own words. I want to stop dreading the day that I run out of words-- because the day I run out of words will be the day I let the hounds catch up to me. I want moonlight&moonshine.; I want sunlight and dizzy sun spots. I want trees and the sound of a roaring tuck. I want sweat and the smell of Wood. I want woods and warm skin at my back.
0
Nov 12, 2012
Nov 12, 2012 at 5:26 PM UTC
the morning after
How do you tell someone that you’re tired of existing? No one has done anything wrong, and by all normal standards this day has been quite nice, but something in me can’t handle that. Something in me can’t stand this constant standard of “surviving” Being exhausted of simply being is draining and no amount of stimulant can correct this. How do you tell someone that it takes all of you to simply wake up in the morning? To wake, to breathe. How do you tell them that it’s nothing they’ve done, but you just can’t do it anymore. How do you say **** like this? How do I think **** like this? Where could I go? France? Scotland? How far would I have to run for these hounds to stop their pursuit of me? Will they stop this chase? The answer is no. No, I don’t think they will. I think they’ll keep ******* chasing me. They’ll keep coming. They’ll keep this race no matter how run-ragged I may be. They’ll keep pace, keep biting at my ankles, keep snarling, snuffling, tearing the ground with their paws. They’ll hunt me until the end— no matter how many rivers or oceans I cross. Or maybe the river Styx will clog their all-knowing-noses….I shouldn’t have given them my scent. But they know it now. They know it and they want more. I’m living off jolts of too much caffeine right now. What way is that to live? Living, though is an overstatement. I’m not living— I’m just taking up space. Taking up space and filling up volumes with these hollow words— as if I don’t know how stale I sound. So where can I go? What do I do? What the hell do I do when I can’t even decide if I want to be Alive? What do I WANT to do? I WANT a house in the mountains. I want an herb garden planted in the shape of a sacred spiral. I want a river to bathe in, a fire place to cast into, a cat to hate and watch suspiciously, a dog to keep the hounds at bay, a kitchen to make magick and medicine in, and a bed warmed by someone else. I want cold nights and mornings warm only because there is skin against my back. I want not to be a prisoner of my own words. I want to stop dreading the day that I run out of words-- because the day I run out of words will be the day I let the hounds catch up to me. I want moonlight&moonshine.; I want sunlight and dizzy sun spots. I want trees and the sound of a roaring tuck. I want sweat and the smell of Wood. I want woods and warm skin at my back.
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41
Nor dread nor hope attend A dying animal; A man awaits his end Dreading and hoping all; Many times he died, Many times rose again. A great man in his pride Confronting murderous men Casts derision upon Supersession of breath; He knows death to the bone Man has created death. - W.B.Yeats For:Karijinbba
0
Aug 20, 2018
Aug 20, 2018 at 1:17 AM UTC
I Rose Again and Again
I Rose Again and Again Nor dread nor hope attend A dying animal; A man awaits his end Dreading and hoping all; Many times he died, Many times rose again. A great man in his pride Confronting murderous men Casts derision upon Supersession of breath; He knows death to the bone Man has created death. By: W.B.Yeats, for Karijinbba ~~ The malice of thiefs injured me nearly killing me st only age five; Men (beasts) in uniform Greedy Feds killed my father five brothers and all grown man and boy in my Purhepetcha Indigenous tribe for the greed of my father's land Man created death repaing evil for my good from the riches of my forest land they ate and lived as kings while I barely survived, but take heed I did rise. On my father's shoulders my seahorse kind of dad beloved he carried and adored me my future he could read perfectly in our starry night sky and love for me happened exactly as dad had predicted it would be from my fathers heart I thrived and I rose and men I did love despite treason by few ~~~~~ By:Karijinbba/AA.
0
Oct 20, 2018
Oct 20, 2018 at 1:23 AM UTC
From My Father's Land Queen Of The Forest I Rose
on cloud nine from the sound of you voice speaking the three syllables of my identity directly in my ear but i'm not one for gettin' played so i fix my lips to ask you the question that my whole body is dreading, "what do you want from me?" my heart, so loud, thumping in my ears as the future threatens the demise of this bliss that i have been waiting eight painful eternities for, to this question, you reply "i want yo love & affection," did i ever tell you that you speak in song lyrics? your voice is the instrumental beat and the melody on this unforgettable tune on the soundtrack of my life i'ma put my earbuds in so i can vibe to you again
0
Apr 19, 2015
Apr 19, 2015 at 3:23 PM UTC
loveeeeeee song