I can't write out what I really mean to say
All I can bring myself to do is cry and cry
Until I am breathless.

And I am ashamed of what I have done
I hold the most regret in my heart and feel the pain of my choice every single day

I wonder what you would look like
And what you would laugh like
And of what color your eyes and hair would be

And I just don't understand how I could ever be forgiven.

I wish so desperately I could go back and choose differently.
I become so angry now when I hear women and men talk about abortion
I want to scream and cry until I am drained.
I hold my stomach and wish I hadn't been so selfish

I wish I could hold you, every minute, every day
I wish I had you sleeping beside me with a sister you would have loved so dearly
And she would have loved you more than anything.
She would have protected you... Which is what I should have done.

It's been a year and a half. You would have been one soon.
Maybe walking by now.
I wonder if you still grew, with God up in heaven with all of the other millions of children who should have been here.
I wonder if you can see me and my tears.

You still consume my thoughts
As if you made your bed there and are forever sleeping..

I will never make peace with the decision I made.

Something about this liquor
Drowns you out
Good bye--

Something about this liquor
Makes me turn on NWA
I feel more at home--

Something about this liquor
Puts a genuine smile on my face
And a light hearted giggle in my laugh

So don't bother me
I need a break.
Away from everything else.
I've missed the old me
And this is the only place where she and I can come to reconnect.

You could be my best friend the way you keep my secrets
No other lover other than you knows my desires before I speak them
Your voice relaxes my body and makes my heart beat jump around
I could lay here all day just listening to the sound
I wish I could lay here all day and wake up in your arms
Open my eyes and start a new day with you at dawn
I'm always in a dream like trance for days before and after I see you
I'm off in a far away land where all I see is you
Your smile has a way with me, you could get anything you want
All you need to do is ask and I'd gladly make it yours
I just want to lay on the beach with you all day and let the waves touch our toes
With my head on your chest, forgetting all our troubles.

I tripped down an endless rabbit hole
Some might say I was swallowed
I fell down, down and tumbled around
Until I forgot the land of tomorrow.

I met Alice and she was darling
We sipped tea and spoke of rhymes
Trying to decode the words of the Hatter
Searching for where the rabbit lost his time.

We danced on the shore of day and night
Followed paths until they were swept away
And when we were tired and had enough
We snuck into court and extended our stay.

Alice and I, oh how we fell
Off the earth and into an abyss
Absorbed by each other, forgetting our troubles
Spending each remaining day in complete bliss.

I don’t mean to love you
It just is this way

*And I’ve tried everything to let go
But you always stay

From my three-story apartment window I hear the 2am bar fights,
The sirens of the city race by...
I hear the breaking glass from another wandering soul
and the couples that hate each other then make love in the dark alley below me...
I feel the breeze blended with artists dreams pass by,
I lay in this Cal. king drowning in pillows,
Staring at these 1930 off-white walls that have been molested by so many forgotten visitors,
I lay here and I know why I lay alone...

I'm so consumed by the life outside my window that I do not notice when a life walks out my door.

Is there such a thing as wholesome in Hollywood?
Is there such a concept as real?
I've heard the press spread your secrets and assume your thoughts
Do you trust anyone enough to share how you truly feel?

Do you travel the streets of the world in amazement
Or only travel because you must
Have you ever held a woman and wanted her soul forevermore
Or do you only chase after lust?

Would you say you're like a bird
Free to fly with the world at your feet
Or would you say you're more like a circus pet
Caged, awaiting your next crowd to greet

Do you ever think about a different life?
Do you wake up and wonder if there's more?
I find it funny how so many wish to be in your shoes
I wonder if they'd still wish it if they lived every day behind your door

I guess I'm supposed to fall in love right?
I'm supposed to feel butterflies and laughter?
I'm supposed to post wedding dresses on pintrist
And instantly delete my tinder...
I'm supposed to wait for his text by the minute
And wish on a star that I see him soon
I heard that girls when they're in love fantasize
About what he may look like as her groom.
I heard that women write in diaries about men
Scribble love poems and play Taylor Swift
I guess I'm supposed to do these things when I feel something special
I think I'm supposed to value his love as a gift.
Sure, why not.
Give me love and I'll show you what it's really for
It's a tool that men use on women
To keep them knocking on their door.
It's disgusting and it makes me sick
They really are all the same
And if you think for one second that he gives a **** about you
Then you've already fallen for his game.

We're all a little lost, aren't we?
Does anyone have it figured out?
We all take different paths and scrape our knees
One way or another, we all face doubt..

The road ahead may be covered with fog
But to cease progression would be the real loss
Falling is only half of the battle
Getting up to move forward is the cause.

Fight
To be stronger
Than you think you are
Day by day
You’ll be stronger
Than the day before

This is how strength is born

Your life was so precious
And I took that away
Even though you can't hear me now
There's still some things I need to say..
It's all still so real
And the real pain is in my heart
I loved you then and I love you now
Yet you barely had a start.
Whether a little boy or a girl
You were a blessing either way
Following in the footsteps of your sister
Who would have loved for you to stay.
If I wasn't so selfish,
And If I wasn't so scared
I should have kept you with me
Your life I should have spared ..
Knowing that you would have been mine
But only half of your sister
Would have hurt so many people
And caused such a twister.
But you would have been worth it
And none of it would have mattered
Letting you go is my only regret
That will have me forever shattered
I think about you every day
And wish I would have chosen differently
I wish that I could have you in my arms And feel you growing inside of me.
I was supposed to protect you
But I betrayed you instead
It's the strongest regret I've ever felt
It's a constant pounding in my head.
I still feel u in my heart
Sometimes I swear you speak to me
In ways I can't explain
And I swear sometimes I feel you with me .

He was a shadow, slick and empty
Full of greed and disparity
I push him away but he was drawn to my purity
A complex chemistry,
He and I
He devoured me and I felt alive
I searched for his love for all my life
And yet only did I find,
Simply a Devil trapped inside.

I slipped and you caught me.
You're holding on to me so tight.
You have both of my hands in yours.
Im hanging off the edge of a cliff and I'm trusting you to pull me up.

But you don't.

You tied rope around my wrists as I stared into your eyes but I saw nobody there in you.
My wrists are burning and I'm too scared to move for if I do I might fall into an abyss.

So I stay. I have no choice.
You left for days. You would come back to check on me. To make sure I was still alive.

As long as I'm breathing, I'm yours.

Weeks went by and I realized I'd rather die than be yours.

So I let go.

I love your eyes
They see a girl in me that I have never seen
You see a girl that has beautiful flaws
A girl with a warm touch who loves to be held
A girl with a bright smile who adores to laugh
Your eyes have found a girl with compassion and the ability to love
Your eyes have found a girl in me that I never knew existed
And the more you talk about her, the more she wants to come out to play.

For someone who never wanted me
You sure don't seem to want to let me go.
Let me go.
I wanted you for so long and never could have you.
I had you only to wake up and realize I never really had you.
Let me go.
I'm not asking. I'm telling you. Whether you let me go or not, I'm gone.

You were the realist thing I ever felt.*

And after all the tears and pain I am so glad that you're gone and I don't feel a thing.

Except... Now I can't feel anything

I am unlovable
Only touchable
I used to think I was invincible
Until he unfastened my buckle
And suddenly my world crumbled...
I was no longer kissable
I was no longer fragile
I became dysfunctional
And now I am unsalvageable.

Write about me she said,
Write me a poem and tell it to the stars,
Talk about my talents,
Or confess my many scars.
But her beauty could not be captured,
By any photo or ball point pen,
And no length of poetic summaries could ever,
Express the fire that she holds within.
Even Venus, she is envious of her,
As she walks this earth with grace,
A fallen angel from the heavens above,
To know her soul is to know real strength.
She twirls her arms above her head,
As she dances down the street,
Twisting and turning away with the wind,
With the prettiest smile you ever did see.
She needs nothing from you, and she takes nothing more,
She comes and goes softly with poise,
With all of the beauty she possesses she still is so compassionate,
Because that is who she is by choice.

I open my eyes, for what I anticipated to be a brief moment
But I find myself standing in the middle of a puddle
About 5 inches deep and I'm bare foot
How did I get here?

I don't know who's clothes I'm wearing
I don't recognize the street in which I'm standing
Not a soul in sight.
Stranded in the middle of a big city
And it's some time between 10 and 3 o'clock
All I know is that it's dark and these street lights light up a way

I could take this path that's lit for me ahead
But I don't know where it leads
Maybe if I close my eyes I'll go back to where I came from
Where do I belong?

Your lies don't fool me
While the rest of the world lends an ear
Speak. Speak. Speak.
I still don't hear you.
Your lying, hateful words
Poison. You're poison.
Make the world believe your stories
I still don't hear you.
You and your deceitful, manipulating, ******* lies
Speak. Speak. Speak.
Until you have no more lies to tell.
You make me sick.

Embrace your heartbreak
Suffocate your sorrow
Be the girl he couldn’t hinder
Ignite your inner bravado

Some people are just made for you
You know it the second you enter a room they're in
You feel it before you even see them
You love them with every cell that makes your heart beat
They touch you and you crumble
They move and you follow
They breath and you can feel their inhale through your lungs
You become two halves of one person.

Write a poem that a man can understand
A man that doesn't understand them
I read to him and he seems confused
Would it be easier it I spelled it out:
I  L o v e  Y o u .

I walked as far as I could
Off the beaten path
Between the weeds and overgrowth

Next to the river
I found a fountain
I found a spot that felt like home

I stayed just to listen
To feel my heart beat once again
I forgot what it was like to feel alive

I don't know how to be me
More like me
The girl I know is trapped inside

I don't know how much more of this I can take
You relentlessly push and you shove and you bend me until I break.
Darling, I'm about to snap. So if I do, I suggest you wave farewell
You better believe that I will drag you with me down to hell.
I've let you walk through this break up squeaky clean and vandalize my name
I've heard your lies about me that have circled back around and they all sound so insane.
I try to play nice with you and give you some kind of credit
I've felt so bad for you up until this point and I've really just had it!
Say whatever you want about me to everyone if that's how you sleep better at night
Because at the end of the day I'm still doing just fine.
I don't need to trash your name or embarrass you, like you've tried to do me
You make yourself look foolish enough, you don't need my help baby.

Get out of my dreams, nobody invited you here.
Don't you know it's rude to barge in uninvited?
I forgave you already, why do you keep coming back?

She waited in peace as he took her breath away
Stood with her eyes closed as he took her to another place
Somewhere she saw only in her dreams,
She could now feel through his hands washing her clean.
A place inside her that was once evil and rough
He now stands to protect her, defending her love.

He said I love you, but you can't be my girl.
He said I was too valuable like a vintage car you keep in your garage and don't drive. But he said I was so beautiful he needed me in his life.

He said I was gorgeous, but he couldn't take me with him. He said I was so valuable that I was almost too fragile, and if he slipped his fingers off of me I might fall and shatter like fine glass.

He said I was brilliant, but I should lay back and relax. Let him take charge and take care of me. The best gift I could give him is my heart and he doesn't need my money.

A perfect image. Too perfect to be real. The truth was right in front of me if I would have just picked away the layers of lies. He had a woman and he only just wanted something pretty on the side. He wanted me to lean on him so I felt unable to leave.

He offered her the world
But she said she only desired his heart
He paused for a moment in complete silence
As he did not know where to start...

She is the crisp air that fills my lungs
The damp salty wind in my beach hair
The cold wet sand between my toes
My young blood on these city streets
From the snowflakes on my tongue
To the redwoods that surround me,
Her independence and diversity
Are my sweetest comfort.
As I drive south with her at my back
It is a sad and painful goodbye.

The worst part is that I don't want to let you go,
because I can't accept this life without you.

Sometimes I fear that if I'm too quiet everyone may hear what I'm thinking; what I'm feeling.  What I know to be true is that every time I'm around you my little world crumbles and all I want to do is take cover with you.

Often when I'm alone I find myself lost in a jumbled word wreckage like being in a junk yard trying to find something that will satisfy the search efforts.

At times I forget where I am in the middle of a conversation because my mind is trying to run away. Too many ideas and my brain can't just sit down and hang out with us for one whole topic. Say goodbye as she finds another path to walk on.

“Don’t love” she said,
As she laid there swallowed by the blackness upon her bed.
Soaked in mascara and wreckage from three nights before-
Watching the days roll from behind closed doors..

“Trust no one” she began to explain
Over and over she drilled this into my brain,
She was the type to quickly point blame
Then turn to drugs and men in her cycle of shame-

I know Shame.
She and I aren’t too far from the same.
She’s frightened to be alone
And I’m frightened to be what she became-
Frightened our blood line determines our fate

I laid there with you
And we watched your phone ring
Time after time
These girls kept calling

We laid there all night
And we counted the stars
But each time we got to ten
We had to start over

Because these girls kept interrupting
Don't they know your mine at night?
They can have you tomorrow
When the moon fades away and gives permission to the light

Under the moon your kisses are mine
They must wait their turn
I have stolen your heart, therefore you give me your nights
Their place, they must earn.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has reached out and congratulated me on my poem and the ones who have written such heartfelt comments. I truly do appreciate each single one of you. Keep writing friends! :)

(Short Story)

The questions burned inside of me
searing through my guts to my core
leaving a trail of ash through this house
treating my blood like gasoline
smoke rising to my head
melting my brain
Down to this;
One question -

Did he do it?

I could hear my heart beating and watched the hairs on my skin shake a little from the rumble of its thunder.

I asked this question to myself over and over. First, in disbelief. Not letting the facts in front of me fully sink in. But as hours passed, the question began to change and I began to see the woman in the mirror staring back at me a little bit differently.

We’ve almost been here. Time and again. This place of such uncertainty and unknown. But never this close. Not here where we are today. I poured a glass of wine and kept the channel 3 tv on mute. Leaned against the cabinets and granite counter top in the kitchen. I put my head down. Starting at the residue of water stains on the glass that I had chosen. These water stains are disrupting my peace, I thought. Just another flaw in this house that nobody else sees. Infidelity allegations, sleepless nights, bedroom fights, and now this?

I put the glass down, found my way slowly in my Saint Laurent Swarovski crystal-embellished satin pumps through the dim, echoing hallway to the den. My place for morning light and his for evening company and cigars. I looked all around, starring at every wall. Flashbacks of us stripping down, him gripping my waist as he thrusted inside of me while I held on to these walls for stability. A house that has seen many things. If these walls could speak I may not believe their stories.

But this story, is difficult to disbelieve. Not revealed from walls, but through the power of the news media crew. Unfolding and developing stories ringing in my ears. Like high frequency waves making me dizzy. The story of Anna. The last breath she took and the last person to see her alive. The man they believe to be her lover. A quiet man, intuitive, logical and a realist. A hard working, loving and devoted family man. My husband, Oliver. Now under the authoritative custody of the Mipson county sheriff department, as a prime suspect for the ****** of Miss Anna B Delaney.

Details of the scene have not yet been released so it is still unclear and most inconceivable to imagine what happened to Anna.

I was swept off my feet
When you grabbed me by the arm
You stole me away into the night
And had me completely disarmed
I couldn't see anything around us
Except tall buildings and fainted lights
We ran through alley ways
Up and down stairs, we took flight
My hand in your hand
Your eyes spoke in rhythm to me
Your kisses and your fingers
All over my body.
Tonight you will have me
And tomorrow I'll be gone
Just as quickly as we met
We both will have moved on.

She is beautiful.
Not because her hair is flawless or her skin is soft.
Not because she is tall nor because her smile reminds you of dandelions.
Not because her nails are painted and her clothes are all so clean.

She is beautiful because she understands you and loves your soul. She is beautiful because she truly loves you, and after all; what is more beautiful than that.

In this life she is untrusting
She says she is a "new soul"
Unhappy with everything she tries
She doesn't understand the ways of people

My mother, she knows
That this is not yet her time
She is here now to get practice
For the day of her prime

I am here to watch over her
She recognizes my "old soul"
More acceptable to human nature, I am
Therefore I remain more peaceful

She will pass one day, but I do not fear
Because I know our paths will cross again
Whether it be 40 years from now or a thousand centuries
Our souls will forever remain friends.

You're a terrible person
You're a corrupt girl
You use men for the fun or the advantage
You terrorized my world
You left me hanging
You left me heartbroken
You were an angel once,
What happened?

I saw a video yesterday
It made me fall to my knees
Watching the sky scrapers fall to the ground
Listening to the scattered high pitched screams
Women and men falling from stories
Women and men hoping for life
Children and siblings clasping their hands together
Hoping their loved ones will survive.
Don't forget the air they breathed
Don't forget their names
Each year we come together to remember
The tragedy we all shared that frightful day.

Am I safe to keep my heart in your hands?
Why do I feel like I've given it to a gremlin
Cloaked in disguise as someone I can trust..
All of the things that I thought to be true, crumbled to dust..
I'm trying to analyze an empty canvas figuring out how to make a masterpiece
When I have no paint and no brush, but yet I'm trying to make something out of nothing.
Trying to put these feelings into words to try and help you understand
But it all comes out so messy and the confusion has no end
I can't tell what you are anymore, just when I start to feel slightly sure
You do something that leaves me questioning, **what are we doing this for?

So when you've been standing out there for hours waiting for the storm to pass

Consider finding shelter because it may take longer than expected.

You do not understand,
I have never known love
I have had many lovers
But none of whom have loved me
Nor have I ever loved in return.

You do not understand
You puzzle me
With you, I am like a child learning to walk
Learning to speak
This is all a foreign language to me.

You do not understand
I am afraid.

I write poetry when I'm feeling broken
I listen to piano music when I fall asleep
I'm a great listener and I love to laugh,
My loyalty and love runs deep.
My daughter is my world and my light
I worry about her getting older and having resentment towards me
So every move that I make I think three times over
My wish every morning is to see her happy.
I like long walks underneath the stars
I hate the beach and love the rain
My favorite studies are science and literature
I prefer coffee over champagne.
I enjoy all types of movies and music
I like to be diversified
My past is a heavy weight on my shoulders
My memory nightmares often wake me in a fright.
I'm a deep thinker and a hard worker
I hold grudges and at the same time forgive
I love romance novels and hot weather
I believe that every breath taken is a gift.
I'm religious but my faith is unique
I'm Catholic but it's not so traditional
I make wishes instead of prayers
I'm also quite political.

Hello poetry,
Have you come to whisk me away into another fantasy
Float me down the river of another memory
Guide me into an abyss, searching for my sanity
Remove me from this place, drifting from gravity

I shut my eyes, let out my hand and let poetry do away with me.