I don't know
If I liked you
Or
If I was just lonely.

What I fear,
Is that I can't feel the difference.

Something wonderful happens when music comes on.
Anything that gives your brain a break, I feel at home with.
It's when it stops that the real world starts again.
The world I don't fit into.

If you look closely you can see
Flowers grow out of the darkest parts of me

i know what i love
i just dont know
where that fits in the world
i mean maybe it doesn't
and maybe thats the point
but where do i carve space for myself
who will help me once i do
and who will try and bury me to cover up the mark i make?

two dead bodies buried in sheets
wrapped in white blankets
wondering, withering
no room for clean air
all has gone stale
I listened for your heart beat
couldn't hear a single sound
locked in your arms now
death sounded scarier
before I knew
loving and dying both feel the same

I love you
came out of your mouth
for the first time
without the dustings of
obligation.
at 23,
for the first time,
I believed it.

The day you said you could have loved me,
I ran as fast as I could.
Today I ran out of breath,
And I'm alone.
I'm sorry.

I often wonder what it takes
to be able to swim in a tide
as tough as yours.
every time you look at me
i drown.

you wanted to keep me close
so that you had something
but you had everything
and didn't even care
I was whole when you met me
and shrunk to nothing
when you left me.

I kept the tiniest nook in my heart open for the idea you had changed from the caterpillar you were into the butterfly I knew you could be.
The eagle I saw soaring from your armslength exposed to the elements never holding you back but throwing you forward into the fire of the earth.
The fire that sparked a million and one reasons you could be better than you are.
I kept that space there for the instance you came back into my life without asking to prove to me you could be something more, something meaningful and something that grew in others growth.
That space was filled up with the black soot you collected from the sewers that housed you and have been housing you.
The rats have been your company, chewing at your arms I saw as wings, gnawing at your cocoon.
I hope one day you have the courage to turn into the smoke that shoots out of the grates in the middle of the road and stop traffic with how blinding your build is.
I hope you shine in the darkness of the underground and realize you don't belong there, soaking in the garbage and waste.
I will never be the branch you weave your nest on, or the seeds in your feeder, however I'll always be the invisible wind at your back and the silent whispers in your dreams at night.
We can never go back, but know I wish you well, that's all I've ever wished.

Sorry about the blood in your mouth. I wish it was mine. I couldn't get the boy to **** me, but I wore his jacket for the longest time.
Richard Siken

I'm tired.
I'm exhausted.
Walking down the street is draining.
Talking to you is draining.
You're a waste of my time,
you live life in a way that I don't understand, and frankly don't want to.
So I won't try.
You'll close your eyes and pretend you're asleep,
as you go about your days like everyone else.
just.like.every.one.else.

I'll close my eyes when I'm asleep,
but seem to be the only one with them open during the day.
I see things,
that I wish I could forget.
Sometimes I wish I was like you,
ignorant and cowardly.
Life seems a bit easier for you to just "forget".

But then I remember,
people like me are indifferent to you and if anything
I want a few good friends who I can call home
rather than a sea of strangers
letting me roam.

I loved an entirely different version of who you are
Yet in the end
The difference didn't matter
I already loved
the first, second, and hundredth version
Every version
Had me
I loved
Every version
How could I accept all of you when you couldn't accept any of me?

if there ever comes a day
where you don't feel loved
remember I love you
I never forgot you
I remember you every second
of every day
I hope my feelings for you
travel through space and time
comfort you when you're about to sleep
surround your thoughts
and whisper i love you one million times over

my dreams are nightmares in disguise,
tricking me all the time they are
silhouettes that look a lot like love
i slip you on like a night dress
delicate and smooth
hugging my every move
a ghost i've let into my body
breathing my every breath
replacing it with unknown
giving it things that once were my own
unaware if i'll ever see that part of me again
i wave goodbye and
in morning time
im born again
but this face that i don't recognize
still isn't good enough in your eyes
nothing ever is.

As my feet sunk into the mud,
I could feel spring coming,
Not just the season,
But a new beginning,
For all of us.

Feelings climb out of me constantly
Twisting my stomach and pulling at my heart
For once
I wish i didnt feel sick
So nauseated by my emotions
So extreme
Stuck inside
Such a fragile case.

Everyone is distracted
It wouldn't be until I was drowning
That anyone would notice I jumped

I don't know how I got here,
But suddenly I am here.
I don't know where these thoughts came from,
But suddenly they're here too.
I don't know where I left myself,
But suddenly I'm nowhere in sight.
I don't know how to get it all back to how it used to be,
But I'm scared I'll have to accept that this is my life now.
Maybe what I remember of myself is gone,
And maybe,
I'm not coming back.

oh how easy it was for you to undress me
caress me
impress me

I'm not a fool
just a girl
still not able to decipher between loves
knowing when it's the real thing
and when it's just people like you
looking to read a front cover
but never a whole book

oh how easy it was for you to tease me
and leave me

I sat in fear of rejection,
Wanting you to pull me close.
We both knew we were wrong,
But for once,
I wanted wrong to be right.

on my own,
I can accept myself
it's when other people enter my mind
that I crumble
thinking of how vulnerable I have to be
to let someone in
to my garden of weeds  
hoping that they have the patience
to see that weeds are still
growth
i have not let my soil run dry
i have just
lost sight of how to grow
anything else.

to everyone ive ever loved
i never wanted to lose you
to everyone who said they loved me
i wish you felt the same
you ripped your way right through my fingers
and just let me
slip away
you didnt really love me
loving to me means
never letting go.

I told you at the beginning
To take your time
I didn't mean for you
To take mine too

Don't let them silence your heart,
Don't let them tie up your wings.
They will try,
my god they will try.
More than once, twice, three times they'll pry.
Stay strong for yourself,
and for the ones who are unsure.
The life you're meant to live,
is waiting at the door.
Don't pass up the chance,
to just be yourself,
there are too many trying,
to be everyone else.
"I feel like a fake",
"I'm not happy at all",
I can't believe what I'm hearing,
aren't we in charge, don't we make the call?
You'll be told you have this thing,
they call it free will,
then they will shove it down your throat,
and say the only way you can achieve it,
is by swallowing this pill.
You'll have to say this,
look like that,
and say cheese,
It won't be until you wake up,
and see the marks on your knees.
as a receipt from selling,
your morals for cheap,
even though they told you,
you're better than the street.
How did you get here?
You thought they cared about you.
Well thats what they do sweetie,
and they don't care to who.
So spread out your arms,
and jump from the sky,
You'd rather the fall than know,
you could have learnt to run,
but all you did was crawl.

From thousands of miles away,
I can still feel you breathe.
From thousands of miles away,
I wish you thought of me.
From thousands of miles away,
I want you right here.
From thousands of miles away,
**I hate you even more than when you left.

You're just a ghost in my life
Coming in and out as you please
And even though I love you
I have to constantly remind myself
We died a long time ago
We're not real anymore
And we never will be.

im trying to build houses but
youre stuck inside my head
burning them.

We had no warning,
no nothing.
I remember our last hug,
I thought it was a see you soon,
but part of me missed you already.  
I didn't know you wouldn't be there for my graduation, my wedding,
my life and all of the steps in whichever way I was heading.
I wanted you there, every inch of the way,
instead I have to imagine you, every single **** day.

I'm scared of missing anyone but you,
I'm scared the holes in my heart will just get bigger,
I'm scared the more people I miss the air that I breathe will just get thinner.
I'm scared the more people that leave, the more I will have to try,
and the less I will remember of you, still wishing you were nigh.

I want my brain to be bigger,
I want to keep every memory like they happened yesterday.
I want to bring back every piece of you and hide you like a stowaway.

I'm slowly forgetting you,
and as hard as I try, you just keep getting further and further
and further awry.

I've been in a car for the past three years,
watching you out the back window,
waving.
I remember our last hug.
I remember the day we left your house,
I thought it was a see you soon.
We've been slowly driving away for the past three years,
moving a tiny.bit.each.day.
The second I noticed you becoming smaller I started to panic,
I'm sitting here, manic,
watching you get smaller, and smaller, and smaller.
I'm just ******* sitting here.
I want to press the brake but it's broken,
I want to rip the keys out of the ignition but it's like they are super glued in.
I'm trying to open a door to jump out but there aren't any handles.
What kind of a door doesn't have any ******* handles?
I'm scratching at the door, screaming to get out,
hoping a god hears me,
praying that a god hears me shout.
I'm gasping for air between my pitiful attempts for help,
gasping for anything that remains of you.
Gasping,
hoping I can breathe the pieces left of you in and hold my breath until I pass out.
I'm pounding at the door.
My knuckles are bleeding but no pain is worse than that of slowly forgetting you.  
I'm trapped and the only thing I'm being told I can do is accept it.
Accept that you're gone.
"Accept it, and move on"
You left us, but every single day I feel like I'm leaving you.
It's like losing you all over again,
slowly forgetting you.

If only I had learnt the patience.
Maybe then we could have worked out.
Maybe, just maybe then I could have realized that everything isn't meant to be perfect at once,
That perfect comes in pieces and will never be something complete.
That searching for happiness is the only way to never get it and
That two people will never be entirely right, or wrong.
That accepting this is the key,
the key to just being.

sometimes i wonder
if you are actually too busy
or if
you're just too busy for me.
i already know the answer
but when i accept it
we will be through
and i don't know what my life looks like
without you.

Sometimes I think I’m over you.
Then it’s 3am, I’m somewhere between awake and asleep and it hits me like a tonne of bricks followed by my insecurities laughing uncontrollably and I realize,
I’m not.

It’s funny because in the morning, I seem to forget,
slip into a blissful ignorance,
and go about my days.

But at some point,
3am will hit again, and being in that moment scares me more than you know.
More than I even knew.

When did the monsters
Living in my bed
Become the monsters
Living in my head?

sipping on something
stronger than water
is the only time
i can feel something
stronger.

Tell me you love me
then tell me you don't,
Play a game with me,
Hold my hand,
Break my heart.
Thing is,
You can do all
the ****** up ****
you want,
But I was the one
standing in the front,
Of all of the lines
that waited for you
to be done fooling around.
You picked the girl who
skipped the line.
Do you ever wonder,
If she's going to cheat
your heart like she does
the rest of the world?
I guess that's what
this life calls karma.

I lay here,
Exhausted from the work,
Not knowing why I do it,
But someone along the way said it would be worth it.
I ask what is worth,
Living your life as a silhouette?
They silence me and say, pay your dues, pay your dues.
Sometimes the hardest thing to say,
Everyone else is thinking,
So say it,
And maybe,
We can all stop paying for something that was given to us far before we knew the value of a dollar.

i'm tired of being kissed
i want to do the kissing without
threatening your masculinity or
making you feel small
isn't there something powerful in a woman
licking her lips and
swallowing you whole?

you wanted me to show you so
i unzipped my chest
took out my heart
and displayed it in a glass case
i waited for you to speak but
you walked away instead.
i should have known
when you told me about your collection of hearts
it wouldn't stop
at mine.

The place you are is just a place,
It means no more or less for face.
It doesn't give you status or rank,
All it provides is your own place to think.
Hopefully that place feels like your little home,
But if it's doesn't you'll feel this never ending urge to roam.

Go out,
explore,
be curious.

That's the only way you will be able to find,
the place that's always been,
But you never knew,
At the back of your mind.

You woke me from a deep slumber,
And I've been awake ever since.

I look around and all I see are unhappy people living unhappy lives.

Maybe we write to create worlds where people don't let us down,
where we don't let ourselves down.
Maybe we write to create relationships that last,
To create courage and honesty.
Trust.
Real love,
what this world once had that is slipping away.
I want to catch these things before they fall,
I want to collect every single piece of what I think love is and
swallow them whole,
just to show the world it still exists.
We're not lost forever,
We might just be for now.

The world does not belong to you,
Nor do I,
So get your eyes off my heart,
And your hand off my thigh.

You walked into my life
Disguised as
Liquid, pills and powder
You walked into my life
and you took
Everything

Knees weak
I walked so far to find you
And you walked right past

And in the moments i feel im not alone
Someone rips the rug right under me
Just to remind me that
I am.

The world gives us art everyday,
And everyday,
I struggle to thank it.
We forget we are not the creators,
Builders or movers.
We are the tenants,
We do not own the land we reside on,
We are temporarily keeping it warm,
Waiting for a fire to start.

People see my smile and they see
Innocence and integrity
They see one girl in one piece
Not broken in pieces
People see my smile and what they don't see
Is me.

there are two sides to every story
it took me a long time to see
what i called our story
you called yours.

An escape plan
to leave the world behind
to leave and never return
to rid the red
to paint my own mural
soft blues
grey hues
purple
splashes of white.

To think, I might,
escape.

there are days
i think i've found
the right ones
there are days
i think i know
i'm not alone
these are not
most days
but i wish they were
i fake that i'm okay with it
truth is
i've been longing for love
but it's hiding everywhere i cannot see.