i am giving you time
but i don't know
if i'm being patient
or naive

I dont think ive ever felt love in romance
So i focus on friends
And i find it hard to say what I mean
And i find it hard to tell you how i feel
Because sometimes im not sure
And my feelings are covered in fear
Of what you will do with them
And what you could do to me.
I just hope you have the patience to wait
Because i will tell you
I just need time.

You say I've changed when really
I've always been this person
She has always been hiding
My life was like an endless game of hide and seek
Except no one ever came looking
You never found me
So I found myself

I wanted you to cut me open,
drink every ounce of the blood I was selling you.
I wanted you to look into my eyes,
see what no one else saw.
I just wanted to rip all your clothes off,
to lay with you, naked.
I didn't even want to touch really,
I just wanted to know what it felt like,
to be vulnerable again.

like when i stared into the night sky
expecting to feel relief, wonder, and awe
and instead felt lost, alone, and small
something never felt right with you.

i thought having you over was a good idea
i thought loving you was a good idea
you taught me
sometimes good ideas
are actually bad ideas
disguised  
in soft lips
using words without meaning
now my room is outlined with thoughts of you
in the darkest shade of grey
and no matter how many times
I bleach these sheets,
your memory is a stain I can't get out

Sometimes
tragedy
can be a kind of
twisted beauty
making us crave pain.
Don’t let that take away
from the beauty you can find
in good fortune.

She was a part of her.
It was more than just blood.
Although when hers flowed slowly, as did hers.
The moon shone from her eyes and reflected into everyone she met.
They lit up entire rooms, entire buildings, entire cities when she arrived.
Something changed about everyone she left behind.
They didn't know what she had done to them,
but they would one day find out.
For her hair was as soft as a new wool sweater, fresh from it's very first wash,
and her skin as soft as a baby's.
She had the innocence of a child, but the weight behind her wisdom of a woman taking her last breath.
Even her smallest motions filled the air with warmth.
Her wave hugged you even if she was standing a mile away.
You could find her on a cloudy day sitting under a tree,
doing nothing but everything all at once.
What went on in that brain of hers, no one would understand.
Thousands and thousands of atoms dancing around, to the happiest pop song and saddest love ballad, all at the same time, never taking a rest.
To the outside world, her smile was so magical it could cure all of the ailments that plagued it, in just one grin.
She never stayed in one place for too long to be able to do so,
for on the contrary she only thought of herself as a cloud,
grey and full in space, taking up too much.
She always ended up leaving, running away,
in fear that after a while people might have found out her secret,
that she wasn't so perfect after all.

i stood in front of you
a shell of a girl
and with every shaking breath
i tried to stand tall
show you i was incapable of quivering
show you i was cool enough
good enough
brave enough
but the truth was i was running out of air
and every cover-up
proved to cover-up another piece of me
you would never know
when i gasped for my last breath
i collapsed
and it wasn't your arms that caught me
it was the floor
and there i stayed until morning
where the bright sunlight exposed the bruises
and all I could do
was let time do the healing

I wonder how much time has to pass
for feelings to fade away forever
I haven't seen you in years yet
I still love you like you never left.

i get all caught up
in the words you say
i forget i can speak
and i'll be okay.

The hole in your heart just keeps getting deeper and deeper.
The further we get,
the lower we go,
and the less hope we have of recovering.
The last time I risked it all,
I ended up empty.
This time I'm playing it safe.
I placed my bet and it wasn't enough,
goodbye and good luck.

I’m not sure if you are meant to be mine,
but something inside of me is willing to wait.

I’ve never felt this before,
this calmness.

I know if I push,
you will not be ready,
you will not be healed.

I want all of you, forever,
not some of you now.

So I will wait until the sun shines in your bedroom again,
until the air re-enters your lungs once you’re finally breathing.
I will be waiting for you when you are reborn,
and you can be in comfort knowing:
you will never have to go through that alone again.

Once you've had it, you know your life isn't and will never be the same and your entire being becomes a quest to find it again.
If mine entails running the country's length in the dessert,
starving, parched,
I would sprint the rest of my days,
for even the mere chance to
end up with you.

I'm simply a souvenir
A memory of where you've been
You're only ever a visitor here
I am not where you'll stay
I just wish knowing this
Stopped me from wanting you to.

You were never a home
You were never meant to keep me warm
You were just a person
Passing through
Most people
Are just people
Passing through
I've built a house
Big enough for two but
No one ever stays
Do not confuse me as a motel
Just because I am kind and want to love you
Does not mean you can use me.
Who taught you that?

I'm smiling everyday,
There's a twinkle in my eye,
At least to the outside world,
I look fine.
No one sees
What happens when I close my eyes
Except for me
So I don't sleep
And I hope my bloodshot eyes
Don't give it away
And I hope they don't notice,
The muscles in my face start to tremble.
On the outside,
I hope I look fine.

Disappointment lies on the other side of opening your eyes so I only kiss you with my eyes closed tight.  Seeing people for who they really are is something that has made me lose hope in the past. If I saw you I'm not sure I'd like you but drunk and with my lips on yours I do, and I'm not sure I know the difference. Real and fake are close friends who trust eachother too much without question. You told me you were real but then you didn't stop when I said no and I started to think that all I was to you was just a body. Suddenly real and fake became distinct and all I wanted to do was close my eyes.  Maybe the shame wouldn't feel so bad or maybe I wouldn't feel so bad. Maybe you'd be who I wished you were, maybe you'd be who I saw before I opened my eyes.

I just want someone to tell me
It's okay to be myself
When I don't think it is.

I spent the last year digging with two other people,
I thought we were building a tunnel,
To carry us from one side of the earth to the other,
A magical place, unlike anything that's been done before.
All the while I was digging,
You both were standing at the top,
Waiting for the right time to bury me.

I'd like you to know that you can try your best to bury me alive,
But watch how many people you cover in dirt,
You one day will be down here with us,
And on that day,
I wouldn't want to be you.

I sat and wondered
everyday
wondered why
why me
why this life
answers?
none.
I only had myself,
and all I did was wonder.

Sometimes I just feel like I’m destined to be alone.
To travel the world and let my mind be the only love of my life.
I feel trapped inside of myself trying to be understood but not willing to put myself out there enough to let anyone.
I’m not sure why.
I don’t feel like I need anyone,
I don't feel like anyone needs me.

I watched the flowers on my bedside die
and I thought of us.

I met you and we started playing,
I didn't care for games much,
but something about you,
wasn't like the others who had asked before.

I didn't ask the rules,
I blindly followed your lead.
I closed my eyes tight,
rolled the dice,
and took my steps.

Foolishly I didn't realize,
your eyes were wide open,
and whenever I would take one step,
you were ten steps behind.

I guess this is what I deserve,
for loving you like you were my prize,
when at the end of the day,
I was your pawn,
only used to get you closer to your Queen.

You were my demise.

Flowers surround my life.
Beautiful flowers.
So why can I only find beauty in the weeds?

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing,
But then I think there's nothing to be won.
My friends have lies in their eyes and stabs in their hearts from the ones they truly loved,
Who they thought loved them back.
Does anyone know what the word means anymore?

Talk to me
Until you can't see
The sense in taking your life.

I'm here for you.

I'm sitting here.
Here seems to be the place I come often, to think.
Today I'm sitting here thinking about what I think about too often.
I'm not good enough for anyone.
The pieces of me that thought I was were given as parting gifts to all the ones I used to love, the ones I loved too much, the ones that loved my love.
The ones who's egos were fed with my love, thrived off my love, and simply existed because of my love.
I was tricked into thinking I was your lifeline, until you left and I realized,
you still had a healthy heartbeat and I was the only one hanging in the balance.

I was a voice,
to fuel the fire behind whatever attention you were seeking.
You didn't see me,
you just listened in hopes of healing your love torn heart.
I'm no ones medicine,
nor kryptonite,
so why do you look at me so?

I sat and listened
wondering if it was
the music,
the lyrics,
or you giving it to me,
that made it my favourite.
I can't recite a line or note,
so maybe that's my answer.

You're the only thing I thought could make me feel better,
But here I am fine,
And where are you?

The sunset takes with it any light I have left in my soul,
Releasing darkness, all encompassing.
I’m scared.
I’ve developed a feeling that all words spoken aren’t meant,
I’ve learnt distance instead of searching for the truth.
I cut it all out,
I cut you out.
Your hands on my shoulders as they make their way to my waist feel rehearsed,
Stale, meaningless,
Done before with long haired girls, skinny girls,
Believing you.
I’m envious of their innocent eyes,
I’ll never be rejuvenated, cleansed of the evil that was instilled upon me too early.
I’ll fight as hard as I can and with all the breath I have to wrestle with my foes that live inside me but they always prevail.
I’m caged in this body that has been torn apart by almost everyone who has come in contact with it.
It’s been abused a few too many times that it will be thrown in the pits that house the other corpses when we reach our final destination.
I’m just waiting to cross over,
And hoping there I get some rest.
My back is bruised and my arms are sore, they fall at my side and that’s where they stay.
I don’t dare raise my hand in request, or answer.
I have no voice, lost it a long time ago,
Listening to words like “shut up” and “*******”.
So forgive me if I am a man of few words, or if I don’t speak at all.
The chances of you being just like all the rest are too high,
And I’ve ruthlessly gambled my life away before, to risk the possibility you might be different is one I’m not willing to take.
If you are, it would challenge everything I believe and I’ve grown too comfortable protecting myself to let you through my walls.
If you aren’t any different, I’m sure my body would wrinkle into a mere casing, nothing but existing, waiting to die.
I’m not sure my body could be frailer, weaker, or more damaged; I also don’t want to find out.
So I stay silent.
Sometimes words out loud don’t hold the solution.
Sometimes silence is the only peace I can reach,
That’s what is so intriguing about the other side,
I hope that it’s quiet.
I hope my haven is quiet.
I don’t need birds singing,
or a babbling brook.
Yes, I might be selfish,
but if I don’t look out for myself,
no one else will.
I’m all I have.
I’ve simply accepted my fate,
I just hope it happens sooner than later,
I’m growing tired of plugging my ears to the noise around me.

Just when I think I'm fine,
You reach out,
Pull me in ,
and I remember what it was like when you were mine.
I want to go back,
but turning around has always proven pointless,
the ending is always the same.
There are books I would love to re-read,
but you are not one of them.

i wish i knew what to say to you
what you wanted
you never tell me
anything
you just blame me
we aren't moving forward
and i have no interest in reliving a past
filled with so much pain.

Instead of saying,
"I hope you don't forget me",
I hope that when you want to remember me,
You can.

your eyes met mine like,
closing time.
the lights came on,  
and I went home.

You're lying here with me
I'm already getting dressed
Everybody leaves
It's just a matter of when
I thank the others
For teaching me I can survive
Without

I'm confused
Beat down
Broken
Breathless.
Try to be real
In an incredibly fake world
And as a reward
You receive
Nothing.

I'm lost between what I said and what I did.
The separation from my words and actions,
Lets me stay calm and in the body I live.
I don't feel at home here.

Where am I going?
Point it out on a map.
In this head of mine I am already in the clouds,
Counting stars,
One, two, three.

Until the world goes dark,
I will keep counting stars.
One, two, three.

I loved you,
And it's taken me this long to see,
The past years of my life have been passing by,
racing by.
I'm standing at the train stop,
Watching as each comes to pass,
Not actually stepping on,
Just letting the breeze it brings touch my hair and dishevel me.
Much like how I describe you and I,
We never really made the leap,
We were never really going anywhere.

I heard the space in your voice,
I felt the void,
I put it there too.
Don't treat me like I'm brainless,
That's the one thing I kept when I gave you my heart.
Keep sleeping alone beside me,
I'll be gone in the morning.

I found it today in the birds and the trees,
In the ocean breeze,
I found it in the smile from a stranger,
In the lick of the dog,
In the hands held by couples walking by,
In the blink of the eye.
I found what I thought was lost,
I found love,
Or it found me.
Whichever the case,
It isn't gone,
It's just hiding in all the places we forget to look.

I** know it’s going to take another life for you to heal,
but I want you to know,
I like your broken soul.

just as the flowers on my bedside died,
so did we.

I cannot handle hot water being held over me
Either pour it out
Or cut me out.

I pause to breathe at the points in between.
That is all I have time for.
I catch my breath, just to lose it again.

I want to stop for a moment.
For longer than a moment.

Maybe that is where we go wrong.
We constantly are trying to escape the present.

I look around as my eyes end up clouded in a fog,
subconsciously I take my mind anywhere but here.

I suddenly feel insignificant,
and all of the distractions I thought were real unmask themselves,
one by one,
my world crumbles apart.

Don’t be fooled.

None of this really matters,
and if you believe that something does,
I feel sorry for you.

Why do I think I loved you,
When I didn't even like you?
I find all of the reasons I can to hate you:
Your condescending humor,
Your manipulating smile,
The way you made me feel small, smaller than I've ever felt before.
All of these are real reasons,
Valid reasons,
Truthful reasons,
But I think the biggest reason,
The saddest, and really only reason,
is that you didn't love me back.

Sometimes,
when you look close enough,
you can find tears in the eyes of your heroes.

The tears that fall on these blank pages will remain
unseen
unheard
and unjustified.
I'll only know of the pain that brought them about,
and the source of their infidelity to my heart.
Only in thought are we not alone,
but only in sharing our thoughts can we cure our sickness.
I'm weak,
all I want to do is shut down,
People are counting on me,
People are counting on me.
So I speak.

It was summer,
I was eighteen.
The lake was new to me,
Everything was new to me.

Excitement dressed my face in soft pink and sweat,
I jumped in with my eyes closed,
Held my knees tight,
The water hit my toes,
It was cold,
A cold I hadn’t felt before
And not until I was met
With a warm towel
Did I feel safe.

My lips were blue and
My knees shook,
I sat in a ball on the dock,
Looked to the moon
And the stars seemed to cradle my thoughts,
I was safe.

I know one day,
The urge to jump will set in,
But for the amount of time it took
For the pink in my cheeks to resurface,
I think for now,
I will sit with my towel,
Thoughts in the stars,
Waving to each passenger swimming by,
Wishing them well.