I live in constant fear,
Of being forgotten.
But if forgotten means,
Only known by those I truly love,
Why am I scared?

Sweet flower,
As your petals float to the ground around you,
It may look to the outside world you are dying,
But it is when you are left as a shell of what you used to be,
Stripped down,
A stem,
That is when you come to life.

Sweet flower,
You've never looked more beautiful.

The world gives us art everyday,
And everyday,
I struggle to thank it.
We forget we are not the creators,
Builders or movers.
We are the tenants,
We do not own the land we reside on,
We are temporarily keeping it warm,
Waiting for a fire to start.

As my feet sunk into the mud,
I could feel spring coming,
Not just the season,
But a new beginning,
For all of us.

I lay here,
Exhausted from the work,
Not knowing why I do it,
But someone along the way said it would be worth it.
I ask what is worth,
Living your life as a silhouette?
They silence me and say, pay your dues, pay your dues.
Sometimes the hardest thing to say,
Everyone else is thinking,
So say it,
And maybe,
We can all stop paying for something that was given to us far before we knew the value of a dollar.

You found me laying in the grass.
You should have left me there.

I loved you,
And it's taken me this long to see,
The past years of my life have been passing by,
racing by.
I'm standing at the train stop,
Watching as each comes to pass,
Not actually stepping on,
Just letting the breeze it brings touch my hair and dishevel me.
Much like how I describe you and I,
We never really made the leap,
We were never really going anywhere.

Spit in my face then tell me you love me.

I took my teardrops back from the ocean.
They took a while to find,
But after all of the work it took,
I really didn't mind.

I came to find my childish laugh,
In the middle of the sea,
the smile I left, I forgot I had,
things once so unimportant to me.
I get why you have to pay a fee,
To appreciate their authenticity,
And how they make you you,
Separate from the rest,
Like a unique little badge,
shining brightly on your chest.

Without them you feel alone,
the world appears so cold.
But the right person should enhance them,
At least that's what I'm told.

The one who was the last,
had me throw myself away,
and when he up and left,
I felt nothing but astray.

So I don't plan on swimming,
For quite a long time,
Not until the right person comes,
And together we're sublime.

Don't let them silence your heart,
Don't let them tie up your wings.
They will try,
my god they will try.
More than once, twice, three times they'll pry.
Stay strong for yourself,
and for the ones who are unsure.
The life you're meant to live,
is waiting at the door.
Don't pass up the chance,
to just be yourself,
there are too many trying,
to be everyone else.
"I feel like a fake",
"I'm not happy at all",
I can't believe what I'm hearing,
aren't we in charge, don't we make the call?
You'll be told you have this thing,
they call it free will,
then they will shove it down your throat,
and say the only way you can achieve it,
is by swallowing this pill.
You'll have to say this,
look like that,
and say cheese,
It won't be until you wake up,
and see the marks on your knees.
as a receipt from selling,
your morals for cheap,
even though they told you,
you're better than the street.
How did you get here?
You thought they cared about you.
Well thats what they do sweetie,
and they don't care to who.
So spread out your arms,
and jump from the sky,
You'd rather the fall than know,
you could have learnt to run,
but all you did was crawl.

From thousands of miles away,
I can still feel you breathe.
From thousands of miles away,
I wish you thought of me.
From thousands of miles away,
I want you right here.
From thousands of miles away,
**I hate you even more than when you left.

I think I found hell in your eyes and the devil in your smile.

I saw you,
And my life went up in flames.

I wouldn't mind selling my soul,
Giving up light,
If your eyes could burn
their way through my body,
and your lips,
They could be mine.

I wouldn't mind dying,
If it was you that killed me.

I don't know how I got here,
But suddenly I am here.
I don't know where these thoughts came from,
But suddenly they're here too.
I don't know where I left myself,
But suddenly I'm nowhere in sight.
I don't know how to get it all back to how it used to be,
But I'm scared I'll have to accept that this is my life now.
Maybe what I remember of myself is gone,
And maybe,
I'm not coming back.

I can't think of a reason why I love you,
But I think that's exactly why I do.  
I'm not sure how something could be,
Certain yet so uncertain simultaneously.

... I'm willing to silence all but one question to walk with you.

             Will you hold my hand?

Maybe it isn't who's right and who's wrong,
in matters to do with the heart.
Maybe we're actually all just scared witless,
of the uncertainty that lies behind the word 'restart'.

The place you are is just a place,
It means no more or less for face.
It doesn't give you status or rank,
All it provides is your own place to think.
Hopefully that place feels like your little home,
But if it's doesn't you'll feel this never ending urge to roam.

Go out,
explore,
be curious.

That's the only way you will be able to find,
the place that's always been,
But you never knew,
At the back of your mind.

I always pick the broken ones, cuz I am broken too.*

I look to the ones with damaged bones,
beat down,
broke down,
weathered.
Hoping where our pieces broke that they might fit together.

When you only have two halves of hearts,
You'd assume they'd make a whole,
But lying in bed next to you,
I've never felt less of my soul.

I guess you have to try and find,
Your other half all on your own.
Because you know it started out with you,
But then you gave it out on loan.

You can't seem to remember,
Who now has it in their hands.
There were a lot of faceless broken ones,
And they all look the same in the stands.

But you learn how to make a house a home,
Even when you aren't there.
To surround yourself with greatness,
And only those who care.

It's harder than it seems to sound,
But you'll get there,
You'll find a way.
And you'll wish the best for the broken ones,
Because you were just them yesterday.

I spent the last year digging with two other people,
I thought we were building a tunnel,
To carry us from one side of the earth to the other,
A magical place, unlike anything that's been done before.
All the while I was digging,
You both were standing at the top,
Waiting for the right time to bury me.

I'd like you to know that you can try your best to bury me alive,
But watch how many people you cover in dirt,
You one day will be down here with us,
And on that day,
I wouldn't want to be you.

I wanted you to cut me open,
drink every ounce of the blood I was selling you.
I wanted you to look into my eyes,
see what no one else saw.
I just wanted to rip all your clothes off,
to lay with you, naked.
I didn't even want to touch really,
I just wanted to know what it felt like,
to be vulnerable again.

I wish for the day we find someone who doesn't have to play pretend,
who sees my scars,
and softly presses their lips to every single one,
not to erase them,
but to simply accept the parts of me I am not proud of,
as they are,
as I am,
and then last they will take their lips and rest them on mine,
not to erase me,
but to colour me for the rest of time.

I was a voice,
to fuel the fire behind whatever attention you were seeking.
You didn't see me,
you just listened in hopes of healing your love torn heart.
I'm no ones medicine,
nor kryptonite,
so why do you look at me so?

Falling in love the first time is easy,
you don't understand the risk.
It's like,
learning how to swim as a child,
you're unaware that you're unafraid of the unknown.
Once you're an adult, and understand the concept of how to swim,
and the possibility of drowning,
you realize,
it's terrifying.

An escape plan
to leave the world behind
to leave and never return
to rid the red
to paint my own mural
soft blues
grey hues
purple
splashes of white.

To think, I might,
escape.

I'm sitting here.
Here seems to be the place I come often, to think.
Today I'm sitting here thinking about what I think about too often.
I'm not good enough for anyone.
The pieces of me that thought I was were given as parting gifts to all the ones I used to love, the ones I loved too much, the ones that loved my love.
The ones who's egos were fed with my love, thrived off my love, and simply existed because of my love.
I was tricked into thinking I was your lifeline, until you left and I realized,
you still had a healthy heartbeat and I was the only one hanging in the balance.

I kept the tiniest nook in my heart open for the idea you had changed from the caterpillar you were into the butterfly I knew you could be.
The eagle I saw soaring from your armslength exposed to the elements never holding you back but throwing you forward into the fire of the earth.
The fire that sparked a million and one reasons you could be better than you are.
I kept that space there for the instance you came back into my life without asking to prove to me you could be something more, something meaningful and something that grew in others growth.
That space was filled up with the black soot you collected from the sewers that housed you and have been housing you.
The rats have been your company, chewing at your arms I saw as wings, gnawing at your cocoon.
I hope one day you have the courage to turn into the smoke that shoots out of the grates in the middle of the road and stop traffic with how blinding your build is.
I hope you shine in the darkness of the underground and realize you don't belong there, soaking in the garbage and waste.
I will never be the branch you weave your nest on, or the seeds in your feeder, however I'll always be the invisible wind at your back and the silent whispers in your dreams at night.
We can never go back, but know I wish you well, that's all I've ever wished.

You matter
You were placed here with two feet, two hands
For walking, for touching
Two eyes for looking
Looking into two other eyes
Looking into the vast ocean realizing no matter how small you are you matter
You are matter
You, regardless of the background noise, matter so much that if you were gone that piece of matter would not and could not be replaced
The eyes you saw and the places you walked and the people you touched would forever remember
Would forever miss
And would forever be missing
You.

You came to me like a dream when I was sound asleep,
In the milliseconds between my heavy breathing.
You took over my unconscious and took my world away from me.
I was a slave to my addiction,
I was a slave to you.
You were a constant feeling of never wanting to wake up, but knowing I’ll one day have to.
Waking up too early would leave me longing,
Waking up too late would leave me dead.
The place you took me was magical, filled with never ending warm breezes and sandy beaches,
Blankets and your soft hands up and down my spine.
You were never one to speak, but I felt I knew you well.  
You swayed me to sleep, and for a while I thought you never slept yourself.
Your eyes didn't close, you kept them on me.
Some days when I woke up, I caught a tear in your eye,
You’d wipe it away thinking I never saw,
I pretended I didn’t,
But I never knew why.
You had secrets, a book I could never open.
Slowly I realized,
You who I thought I knew, was more like a stranger I gave all of my secrets to.
I thought that’s how love worked.
You were my home.
That was the point I should have woken up.
My mind shouted at me to listen but I never did, I was stubborn, as feelings so often make us.
We sat, and you swayed me.
You told me in that dream you’d love me forever,
How quickly once dreams seem now to be nightmares.

Once you've had it, you know your life isn't and will never be the same and your entire being becomes a quest to find it again.
If mine entails running the country's length in the dessert,
starving, parched,
I would sprint the rest of my days,
for even the mere chance to
end up with you.

Something wonderful happens when music comes on.
Anything that gives your brain a break, I feel at home with.
It's when it stops that the real world starts again.
The world I don't fit into.

And all of a sudden he was gone,
or maybe,
he was never really there.

Sorry about the blood in your mouth. I wish it was mine. I couldn't get the boy to **** me, but I wore his jacket for the longest time.
Richard Siken

She was a part of her.
It was more than just blood.
Although when hers flowed slowly, as did hers.
The moon shone from her eyes and reflected into everyone she met.
They lit up entire rooms, entire buildings, entire cities when she arrived.
Something changed about everyone she left behind.
They didn't know what she had done to them,
but they would one day find out.
For her hair was as soft as a new wool sweater, fresh from it's very first wash,
and her skin as soft as a baby's.
She had the innocence of a child, but the weight behind her wisdom of a woman taking her last breath.
Even her smallest motions filled the air with warmth.
Her wave hugged you even if she was standing a mile away.
You could find her on a cloudy day sitting under a tree,
doing nothing but everything all at once.
What went on in that brain of hers, no one would understand.
Thousands and thousands of atoms dancing around, to the happiest pop song and saddest love ballad, all at the same time, never taking a rest.
To the outside world, her smile was so magical it could cure all of the ailments that plagued it, in just one grin.
She never stayed in one place for too long to be able to do so,
for on the contrary she only thought of herself as a cloud,
grey and full in space, taking up too much.
She always ended up leaving, running away,
in fear that after a while people might have found out her secret,
that she wasn't so perfect after all.

Sometimes I think I’m over you.
Then it’s 3am, I’m somewhere between awake and asleep and it hits me like a tonne of bricks followed by my insecurities laughing uncontrollably and I realize,
I’m not.

It’s funny because in the morning, I seem to forget,
slip into a blissful ignorance,
and go about my days.

But at some point,
3am will hit again, and being in that moment scares me more than you know.
More than I even knew.

I think I've cried for as long as I can,
my ducts have run dry.
The lidocaine replaced the blood in my veins and I've never felt more alive.

Numbness has become my life's sanctuary.

Never thought it would be the answer,
and maybe it's the alcohol,
but I'd rather be an alcoholic than be invaded by a cancer.

Sometimes,
you just have to,
dance naked,
in your room,
cuz no one else,
wants to.

We had no warning,
no nothing.
I remember our last hug,
I thought it was a see you soon,
but part of me missed you already.  
I didn't know you wouldn't be there for my graduation, my wedding,
my life and all of the steps in whichever way I was heading.
I wanted you there, every inch of the way,
instead I have to imagine you, every single **** day.

I'm scared of missing anyone but you,
I'm scared the holes in my heart will just get bigger,
I'm scared the more people I miss the air that I breathe will just get thinner.
I'm scared the more people that leave, the more I will have to try,
and the less I will remember of you, still wishing you were nigh.

I want my brain to be bigger,
I want to keep every memory like they happened yesterday.
I want to bring back every piece of you and hide you like a stowaway.

I'm slowly forgetting you,
and as hard as I try, you just keep getting further and further
and further awry.

I've been in a car for the past three years,
watching you out the back window,
waving.
I remember our last hug.
I remember the day we left your house,
I thought it was a see you soon.
We've been slowly driving away for the past three years,
moving a tiny.bit.each.day.
The second I noticed you becoming smaller I started to panic,
I'm sitting here, manic,
watching you get smaller, and smaller, and smaller.
I'm just ******* sitting here.
I want to press the brake but it's broken,
I want to rip the keys out of the ignition but it's like they are super glued in.
I'm trying to open a door to jump out but there aren't any handles.
What kind of a door doesn't have any ******* handles?
I'm scratching at the door, screaming to get out,
hoping a god hears me,
praying that a god hears me shout.
I'm gasping for air between my pitiful attempts for help,
gasping for anything that remains of you.
Gasping,
hoping I can breathe the pieces left of you in and hold my breath until I pass out.
I'm pounding at the door.
My knuckles are bleeding but no pain is worse than that of slowly forgetting you.  
I'm trapped and the only thing I'm being told I can do is accept it.
Accept that you're gone.
"Accept it, and move on"
You left us, but every single day I feel like I'm leaving you.
It's like losing you all over again,
slowly forgetting you.

Flowers surround my life.
Beautiful flowers.
So why can I only find beauty in the weeds?

I’ve never seen lights so bright in my life.
I bet people don’t even notice when it goes dark.
I can’t help but wonder … what else they don't notice.

The sunset takes with it any light I have left in my soul,
Releasing darkness, all encompassing.
I’m scared.
I’ve developed a feeling that all words spoken aren’t meant,
I’ve learnt distance instead of searching for the truth.
I cut it all out,
I cut you out.
Your hands on my shoulders as they make their way to my waist feel rehearsed,
Stale, meaningless,
Done before with long haired girls, skinny girls,
Believing you.
I’m envious of their innocent eyes,
I’ll never be rejuvenated, cleansed of the evil that was instilled upon me too early.
I’ll fight as hard as I can and with all the breath I have to wrestle with my foes that live inside me but they always prevail.
I’m caged in this body that has been torn apart by almost everyone who has come in contact with it.
It’s been abused a few too many times that it will be thrown in the pits that house the other corpses when we reach our final destination.
I’m just waiting to cross over,
And hoping there I get some rest.
My back is bruised and my arms are sore, they fall at my side and that’s where they stay.
I don’t dare raise my hand in request, or answer.
I have no voice, lost it a long time ago,
Listening to words like “shut up” and “*******”.
So forgive me if I am a man of few words, or if I don’t speak at all.
The chances of you being just like all the rest are too high,
And I’ve ruthlessly gambled my life away before, to risk the possibility you might be different is one I’m not willing to take.
If you are, it would challenge everything I believe and I’ve grown too comfortable protecting myself to let you through my walls.
If you aren’t any different, I’m sure my body would wrinkle into a mere casing, nothing but existing, waiting to die.
I’m not sure my body could be frailer, weaker, or more damaged; I also don’t want to find out.
So I stay silent.
Sometimes words out loud don’t hold the solution.
Sometimes silence is the only peace I can reach,
That’s what is so intriguing about the other side,
I hope that it’s quiet.
I hope my haven is quiet.
I don’t need birds singing,
or a babbling brook.
Yes, I might be selfish,
but if I don’t look out for myself,
no one else will.
I’m all I have.
I’ve simply accepted my fate,
I just hope it happens sooner than later,
I’m growing tired of plugging my ears to the noise around me.

I** know it’s going to take another life for you to heal,
but I want you to know,
I like your broken soul.

If only you had given me a flesh wound.
Something easier to heal.

If only you had stabbed me a few times in the gut,
One to the leg, one to the arm,
Left me with a couple bruises,
I could have dealt with that harm.
You ****** me up right,
Not only ****** my mind but
Taking your dagger and dragging it up my spine.
You saw me in the garden, growing about my days and you
Ripped me out of the ground in nothing but your spiteful haze.
I wish I had something, to offer to anyone I meet,
But I feel ****** dry,
Can’t even balance using my own two feet.
If I could leave an automatic message to those who come my way,
It would be *“she no longer lives here, go about your day”

meeting
you was
waiting feeling
anxious and
nervous then
let down and
disappointed.

If only I had learnt the patience.
Maybe then we could have worked out.
Maybe, just maybe then I could have realized that everything isn't meant to be perfect at once,
That perfect comes in pieces and will never be something complete.
That searching for happiness is the only way to never get it and
That two people will never be entirely right, or wrong.
That accepting this is the key,
the key to just being.

Sometimes I just feel like I’m destined to be alone.
To travel the world and let my mind be the only love of my life.
I feel trapped inside of myself trying to be understood but not willing to put myself out there enough to let anyone.
I’m not sure why.
I don’t feel like I need anyone,
I don't feel like anyone needs me.

Why did we meet,
If we can’t be together?
Life is splashing its power in our faces,
Like cold water,
On a freezing winter’s day.
And as each piece of my hair freezes,
I slowly become brittle and empty.
It’s like you’re waiting at home with a warm towel,
But home is thousands of miles away,
And I’m scared that the journey to bring me to you,
Will be too hard for my heart to handle.
I’m scared of giving up.
I’m scared of letting go.
For all I keep dreaming of is thawing in your arms,
And feeling the warmth that only you can give me.
I guess I’ll just keep hoping,
That I never wake up.

I need you like a bad habit.
Like, biting my nails,
Or, telling far-fetched tales.  
I make sad attempts to stop but,
I can’t stop biting,
My fingers are bleeding.
I can’t stop lying,
What is this animal I’m breeding?
I can’t seem to quit,
You’re all I think about.
Trying to stop is like
Not craving rain,
In the middle of a drought.

I'm tired.
I'm exhausted.
Walking down the street is draining.
Talking to you is draining.
You're a waste of my time,
you live life in a way that I don't understand, and frankly don't want to.
So I won't try.
You'll close your eyes and pretend you're asleep,
as you go about your days like everyone else.
just.like.every.one.else.

I'll close my eyes when I'm asleep,
but seem to be the only one with them open during the day.
I see things,
that I wish I could forget.
Sometimes I wish I was like you,
ignorant and cowardly.
Life seems a bit easier for you to just "forget".

But then I remember,
people like me are indifferent to you and if anything
I want a few good friends who I can call home
rather than a sea of strangers
letting me roam.

I don’t know what hurts more, you moving on or my inability to.

Resistance. You don’t even realize you’re restraining yourself until one day you wake up and haven’t had an emotional connection in you don’t know how long. You associate *** with repetitive motion. You thought you knew who you were and you thought you were this passionate being. You look in the mirror and hate what you see so you avoid mirrors altogether. You want to cry but that’s the worst part. You can’t even shed a tear. "What a terrible thing to have to feel things so deeply". What an even worse thing to feel nothing at all.

You may have disconnected yourself but the thing is,
this shell of a person is who you are now,
and you can't even bring yourself to care.

When the storm ends we are left with silence, which sometimes, is even more painful.

I met you and we started playing,
I didn't care for games much,
but something about you,
wasn't like the others who had asked before.

I didn't ask the rules,
I blindly followed your lead.
I closed my eyes tight,
rolled the dice,
and took my steps.

Foolishly I didn't realize,
your eyes were wide open,
and whenever I would take one step,
you were ten steps behind.

I guess this is what I deserve,
for loving you like you were my prize,
when at the end of the day,
I was your pawn,
only used to get you closer to your Queen.

You were my demise.