You’re all messed up inside,
You know, but they don’t
You try to fit in to their standards
Of what is and what is not acceptable
Outside, nothing but just another normal person
Inside, messed up in so many ways
You try to tell yourself that you can do it
If you wanted, you could fit in
And no one has to know
But you know it
Even if you try to hide it
You can fool them
But not yourself
In the end, you know it
You tell them you’re okay
When every night you think
Of a hundred different ways to die
And say, “I’m okay.”
And say, “This is normal.”
Because no one has to know
That when you wait for the train
You look at the tracks and think about jumping
At the last second, as the train pulls over
And you smile for them
Because they wouldn’t understand
That when you say that you are not fine
You don’t mean that you feel sick
Because the sickness you feel is not something
That can be seen on the outside
And again you say you are fine
When talking to friends
Who have long stopped caring
About whether your “I’m fine” is real
Or whether it is just another
Lie you tell them
So they can feel better about themselves
And you say, “I’m fine”
Because you don’t want to see their faces
Look at you as if you are something
That they need to fix
Just another puzzle to solve
And you say, “I’m fine”
Because you don’t want to hear them
Tell you that you are wrong
To feel pained when someone else
On the other side of the world
Is experiencing something much worse
That you do not have the right
To cry about your own sufferings
Because they are not like
The sufferings of grief-stricken, war-torn people
And you say, “I’m fine”
Because you don’t want them to feel
Like it’s their fault
Even though every night
You think about how much of a liar you are
Pretending to be normal
You tell yourself “You don’t belong with them”
And wait for someone to tell you
Wait for someone to notice
That you are not fine
You must be doing a good job
Of pretending to be normal
Since no one has asked you
No one has doubted your lie
So far
Maybe they have stopped caring
A long time ago
Maybe you have started to believe
Your own lies,
After all
How do you even begin
To let them understand
Something you don’t even understand
How do you even explain
What hurts you
And how it hurts you
When it's all inside your head
When there’s nothing but tears to show for it
You tell yourself “You’re fine”
Because when you tried to reach out
They told you to cheer up
To stop being so sad
That some people have it worse
Like it’s that simple
Like you haven’t tried
To repeat to yourself every night:
“Stop crying.”
“Some people have it worse.”
Tell yourself “I’m fine”
Maybe this time you’ll believe it too