I'm going to confess
All of my best secrets
Mostly that you're cute
And I want to hug
And if you put your hand on my thigh
That wouldn't be so bad
But mostly let's tell jokes
And go to the park
Make fun of all the books
In the local library
I want to hear your music
And all about your friends
Let me spill my darker ****
Or read with headphones in

It's really crazy
If we're being honest
But I'd just as soon
Hang out with you
As I would make out
My feelings are far from platonic
Don't worry about that
I just want to be with you
Wherever that may be

I don't want to watch
Your blush fade
It's like watching the sunrise
While your friends die
And the palettes
With all your paints
Will eventually stain
Like blood in earth
On forgotten battle fields
Where we kissed
While the sun rose
And I overdosed

"I'm sorry"
I say
As if I ever chose this
As if I ever wanted this to happen
I know it's hard for you
It's hard for all of us
But out of all the people who cried that night
I probably cried the least

You don't understand what it's like
To sit up in the middle of the night and look
At your own reflection
In the fourth floor window of a hospital room
And think
"I've lost my mind"
Because that is the worst it ever gets
And I got there

And my thighs were stained
Red for so many days
From the chaffing of the hospital scrubs
As I am carried  away
In a car with a locked glass division
A bag of all my things and
The only thing I'm sorry for
Is the fact that this didn't happen sooner

People say that death is so bad
That death is a horrible monster that
Comes in the middle of the night
And steals away their children
So what if those children were meant to be stolen?
So what if that is the only way to truly move on?
So please
Continue to villainize my only escape
And I will be sorry
That you can't understand

I know that I am different
Say that that's good
That things needed to change
But truth be told I can't recognize myself anymore
That girl in the mirror isn't me
Because part of me did die that night
How can I be expected to come back
And look at you all as my friends
When I can't even look at myself?

I guess I am sorry
I'm sorry that I made you look at me
In that way that broke anything close to the trust
That we never had
I'm sorry for all the cuts and the scars and
I'm sorry that they are all there for a reason
I'm sorry that I am never going to be the same
I'm sorry that I am never going to be okay and
I can't change that

I'm sorry that all those nights that I couldn't sleep because
I knew that I had lost everything
Cannot be changed
You say those nights were wasted
My mind is wasted
But is it really a waste
When we are all going to the same place
Six feet underground
Then
Maybe
My mind will be wasted

I'm sorry that I'm angry
And bitter
And that I don't back down even if I should
And if I'm not right, I hurt people
If I am right, I hurt myself
I know that it seems
Like I am doing this on purpose but
It all comes back to killing the thing
That says it is me
But is not

I'm sorry that I looked at him
When I should've looked away
I'm sorry that an hour in the backyard
Of all the broken and forgotten people
Is the closest I've ever come to happiness
And I'm sorry that if getting better means
Leaving them
And coming back home to here
I don't want to get better at all

I'm sorry that I couldn't stop shaking
I'm sorry that the wheelchair rattled and
Nurses asked if I wanted a blanket
As I sat in that waiting room
With all the people and their broken bodies
It was me alone
With a broken mind
Did I embarrass you then?

So I'm sorry that
You have a perfect sob story
You can write your poems and
Tell your friends all about
How a perfectly good girl met such
A tragic fate
I'm sorry that this had to happen to you
Sorry that I happened to you

"I'm sorry"
Are you happy now?

Will nothing
Be the same
With uncontented
Clouds and
A cat on my lap
Breaking down
The same old way

The rhythmic tapping
Of children's feet
A heart monitor
Flatlining
Pale broken fingers
On deadened keys
A muted buzz
Mosquitoes hum
The bated ticking
Of a car engine sitting
A haunted melody
Of gasping breath
A heart against a ribcage
The crunching of gravel
Cool water trickling
Leaves whispering
A lone voice singing
Blistering wind

More than just sounds
I feel them now
After darkness
Light is more than colour

A full two weeks
How does it
Feel like years
It's nothing
Compared
To some one
Out there
But I guess I'll
Still write
And dream about
You sometimes
If that's okay
With you

Why can't you see
That I love you
Very much
But you need
To get away
From me

I miss the thought
Of having someone by my side
At least with him
I could hold a fantasy close
A world in which we loved truly
Unconditionally
Without physical limits

Now there is only cold
And the linger scent
Of sweat
Staining my bed
I want a friend
To come and help me
Rinse it all away
Not to fix me
Or make me whole
But to help me find myself
To love myself
While they fall in love
With them

**** hustling
**** getting the bag and not looking back
**** money before *******, money before love
My lover and I are resting
We’re relaxing
We’re waking up together on a Sunday morning curled up in bed
And laying there,
Letting the day come to us

So **** the eternal grind of the capital machine
If I am to be a cog in the depths of this device
I will make the metal around me
A loving and warm home

Thank you for everything
Thank you for taking away one of my only platforms of expression
Thank you for getting mad at me for telling you how I feel
Thank you for supporting me in my darkest hours
Thank you for not letting me give in
Thank you for deciding what I want based on what you think is best
Thank you for letting me slowly destroy myself, fully knowing what I was doing
Thank you for finally making me get help
Thank you for not apologizing when you should have
Thank you for not understanding why I don't trust you
Thank you for leaving me to grow up without emotional support
Thank you for letting me fade into the background
Thank you for taking care of me for all these years
Thank you for doing things behind my back
Thank you for never asking for my opinion
Thank you for pressuring me into things I never wanted to do
Thank you for only being there for me when it was convenient for you
Thank you for bringing me into this world
Thank you for taking me away from my friends
Thank you for not judging me
Thank you for not listening
Thank you for jumping to conclusions
Thank you for not trusting me on anything
Thank you for trying to guilt trip me
Thank you for yelling at me
Thank you for trying to manipulate me into talking to you
Thank you for trying to understand
Thank you for telling me that I am not enough
Thank you for giving me reason to never trust you again
Thank you for looking the other way
Thank you for being disappointed in me
Thank you for taking away some of the only things that made me happy
Thank you for letting me break your rules
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for raising me
Thank you for stopping me
Thank you for always sticking to your beliefs
Thank you for turning against me
Thank you for taking her side
Thank you for telling me that I'm being dramatic
Thank you for telling me that I just want attention
Thank you for telling me that my problems aren't real
Thank you for leaving me alone
Thank you for loving only the good parts of me
Thank you for pretending that the bad parts don't exist
Thank you letting everything slip
Thank you for giving up on me
Thank you for never bothering to get to know me
Thank you for accepting me
Thank you for pretending that everything is fine
Thank you for telling me to *******
Thank you for calling me names
Thank you for giving me reason to believe that this is all my fault
Thank you for never giving me a chance to rest
Thank you for teaching me not to cry
Thank you for acting like I owe you something
Thank you for taking your emotions out on me
Thank you for trying to solve my problems when all I wanted was to be heard
Thank you for not doing anything
Thank you for waiting for so long
Thank you for doing anything at all
Thank you

It doesn't matter
That our eyes didn't meet
When we passed in the hall
That they sat somewhere else
While I looked straight ahead
And laughed too loud
With all their old friends

It doesn't matter
That we only talk when they want to
We flirt in careless circles
If you could even call it that
We hit a rough patch
I should leave you behind
For those that care who I really am

It doesn't matter
That I always end up
Close to crying
I ought to get you out of my mind
But you remembered my birthday
And the pronouns my friend told you
Why did I ruin this
Why did I ruin this

The only person
I wanted to see today
Isn't even here
So I'll just sit
Do my work
Let the minutes
Pass like moths
Fluttering to the light

Your soft lips
A wet caress
Tinged with sweet mint and cigarettes
And something faintly spiced
The softness of your hands on my hips
Your stomach and chest pressed against mine
Breathing into each other
Your heartbeat the only sound I can hear
Domestically in love

Warmth
On the edge of a field
That flat grey sky
Slashed through with beams
Of hazy light
Little red flowers
Spreading like a sea of stars
High grass
Dark green fronds
Winding trunks of
Taller trees
Thickets of bracken
And briary bushes
All green
With leaves like teardrops
Sun upon my golden legs
And the sky
Breaking

This is a letter
On what you did to me
How much of me you claimed
A lifetime of things
That nobody deserves
That I got anyway

I'd cast you out
If I really thought you'd go
But you won't
And I'm stuck with you
At least now I know
That this is not my fault
I don't have to go with you
You don't own
A sliver of my soul

You are nothing compared to me
To my blinding vibrancy
I am so much more
That what you -- I -- made me out to be
But at the end of the day
You aren't a part of me
We share the same space
But I will always be human
That's something you'll never be

Truth be told
I don't owe you anything
The hatred you grew in me
I've pulled out like weeds
If a lifetime of maintenance is what I need
Then I will grow my own garden
In place of what you made

Because I am beautiful
I am worthy
I will not live to die
There won't be one more wasted night
Trying to strangle out my life
I am so much more than you
You will never come that close
To winning again
I promise you that

So I'll go to the beach
In that skimpy bikini
While you thrash and writhe
In the back of my mind
Because every second proving you wrong
Is a second more of freedom

And I'll do what I want
I'll wear a dress to prom
Ask out that pretty girl
Face you head on
In the back of a car
With tears streaming down my face
Screaming to myself
That I am worth it
I am strong
I am more than you ever thought I was

This is a letter to you
Spelling out
The end of your reign
The gates have burned down
I'm gone now

Attending bar meetings
Taking AP
Dressing up
In "sensible" shoes
Monotonous speeches
And pretentious
Agreements
What happened to
My too big jeans
Chipped nail polish
Self cut fringe
Techno disco rock
Pop daydream
I'll go to college
When I'm eighteen
Until then
I'm just a kid
Don't ask me
About insurance
Or what car
I want
I haven't got
A clue
And neither
Did you

Happy anniversary
Up there in Hades
Funny that it's up
Or am I assuming
Either way
The first month's the worst
And the second's worse
I'm not quite sure
Just how that works
But that's okay
Because we are not
And I know what they do
Feels a little more
Like medieval torture
Than friendly therapy
But you'll be okay
I must admit
It isn't much
Of a way to live
But you'll get out someday
And see the sun again
And all your friends
Will shroud you
In all their love
And everything will be
Perfectly peachy

One night I was delivered
Birthed from the womb
Of a hospital car
Into a dark room
With a chipped wooden desk
Where I sat to cry
Without light
Without hope
I read the walls
And quieted

"Love you will be okay"
Scrawled above my bed
In jagged strokes
As jagged as the edges
Of my broken mind
Sharp shards that cut me
Loose from my family
Stitched together
Only by the words
Of the walls

Crude were the scratches
That held me together
For so many days
They were borne of the same desperation
That I was
Sometimes, just knowing that
"You are not broken"
Was enough to keep me sane
When the doors screamed
And the moon kept me awake

How many times did I break
Behind thin and lapsing walls
With only the comfort of
"You are enough"
To beat out the chill
Of frosted windows
And Portland rain
With red eyes
And chapped lips
I turned to face the wall

Building up a broken will
Packing bags
With papers
Of a journey not so much travelled but
Fought I laid for the last time
Upon that bed
Taking pencil to plaster
Trying to let them know
"Someday you will read these words for the last time"
"This is not the end"

I hope you enjoy
Life without me
Because I am done writing
All these love notes
I am done with all these ****** poems
I am done with your no answers
And your "misunderstandings"
And your cute quirks
Like never apologizing
And overdramatizing
And victim blaming
Self deprecating
Body shaming
Overt manipulation
I am done with looking at you
Across the room
Hoping you'll look back
I know you won't and
I don't want you to
I hope you like
Your own medicine
Because I've cut you out of my life
Now you don't mean anything

I'll send out
A newsletter
For you
And you alone
With pictures
Of me
And the dogs
And the fish
And the things
We once
Might've shared
If only you
Weren't hiding
In Colorado
I know
I put
The blame
All on you
And that's so
So not fair
But I can't
Deal with
The fact
That you miss
Me less than
I miss you
Is it so
Wrong to
Want you to
Miss me
I want you
To kiss me
At night
In your dreams
I'm begging
You please
Give me a
Sign that
You could
Be mine
Don't ask
If that's
******
It is because
You don't
Have the time
To listen
To me whine
You've been
Inside for days
Your world
Is surely
A haze of
Therapy
And remedies
To things
You don't want
To fix and
I understand
The pain
Of being torn
Away from the
Things that
You've lived on
For so long
But I've
Been there too
It *****
It really does
But please
Come home soon
I'm in love
With your letters
There's no
Promise of
Forever but
I at least
Want to see
You before
You go for good
I'm not
Misunderstood
Just ashamed
Of the things
That I've done
And the things
That I'll do
But not of you
Never of you

One of these days
I'll fall in love for sure
All these cinematic
Shots of me sitting alone
Looking depressed
With a cat on my lap
Will have something
To culminate to
I'll be the star
Of a lesbian romance
That will wow the crowds
Shock gays through the ages
And land me where
I truly belong

Falling in love with danger
Falling backwards
Into that ugly spiral
All screaming and hiding
Drinking ***** water
Staring at the sun

I'm so melancholy I can barely breathe
Reliving hospital beds just to feel
That sickening pain
Chorded dreams
Of waking up in my own bed
Day after
I was supposed to be dead

Sick as a horse
It's so glamorous
To be broken
Mushrooms growing in my bones
Some disease
I can't treat
I can't go home

Flirting with friends
Pushing myself
Right to the edge
Of sanity
I'm married
To my mind's
Fatally broken backbends

Trapped in this funhouse
Do my makeup with my friends
In a funny mirror
We don't look human anymore
Dancing in my basement
Pretending that this parody
Is the party of my life

I guess I'm alone again
It's okay
This isn't new for me
That doesn't make it hurt
Any less

I've never heard you laugh harder
Than when you are away from me
I've never seen you smile wider
Than when you're getting ready to leave

It's okay
It's okay
I'm okay

There's so many fake passageways
In this medieval maze of mine
Monsters keep popping out of walls
And leading me in circles
To abandon me at dead ends
Of which there are too few
All these walls have twists and turns
That always end
In the same blank rock face
No matter which path I choose
I know where I'll go
I'll always end up dead
At each fairytale end

Tightening
Strings refuse to loosen up
Let me shed my tears

And that's when it hits
Everything
That's been held up by strings
Crashes down
Around my feet
I'm lost
Again
In the same old maze
Of belated happenings
And the skies
That we made
Will keep fading away
To show me the blackness
Behind my eyes
If I sit here long enough
Star gazing past the sun
It will assuredly
Occur to me
That the only way out
Is into space

Every season
Has a taste
The summery
Sweetness
Of a cantaloupe
Blossom
The autumnal
Burn in the
Back of the throat
After fresh rainfall
The lingering
Aftertaste
On a winter day
Of cardamom
The fresh forested
Aroma of
Pine needles
Crushed against
Your mouth
Every season
Has a taste
And I'm falling
For them all

This tea
Tastes like memories
All I want to feel
Is someone's eyelashes
Beating against my skin
The sense of skin on felt
On soft, slippery silk
On icy velvet
What if their mouth tastes like cinnamon
Will their tears
Be pearls of salt on my cheeks
And will they bite me

It's evening. Everything is dark beyond my windows. The music starts to play, and I close my eyes.



The silken touch of a cloth
I haven't felt it since my childhood
Vaguely registers in my mind
Fingertips still roaming
Still trying to find
The crack in my hull
The fissure in my seams

There's a corner of my book
That digs into my hip
I only move it so I can go deeper
Into these blackened depths
I turn off the lights
So I can be one with the night
Then I'm alone in the darkness
With the fur of my blanket
Rushing over my feet

Dogs howl
Inside or out
I do not know
I rest my head back
And sag into the pillows
To close my eyes
Is to break away from reality
Left only with the stains of the light
Painted on the backs of my eyelids
To convince me
That I'm really alive



The music ends. My eyes have been open for a while now, but I'm still not sure if I can see.

Swing sets
And black top
Cryptids lurking
In elementary
Play grounds
Your ice eyes
Matched with mine
Rich red stain
A pool of maroon
On your jacket
Coat pockets
Covered in pins

Can't stop feeling like I lost something
Every time this song comes on
Pounding through my eardrums
To the place in my head
Where a thirteen year old still remains

The worms and the freaks
Ripped up sheets
Of notebook paper scrawl
Drawing suicides and broken hearts
On my binders and my arm
Thinking about lost kisses
But not lost for me

Nights that lasted forever
Blaring music in my bed
Writing scars and mascara tears
With a plain face
Not old enough to wear makeup yet

Misery is the most frequent company
But not my closest friend
Melanie Martinez rock version nightcore
In the back of last period
Scattered colored pencils
And shared wicked smiles
We were thirteen and thought we were evil
Thought we knew everything

Wherever you are
I don't want to see you
Hands in the rain
Grasping an umbrella
Long fallen to your side
Your hair's wet
But you know that

Staying at home
Your coffee is cold
Mixing up the sugar
Won't bring it all back
Biting your lip
For the avoidance in the eyes
Of your own reflection

Tears well up
Let them fall down
Mourn the grave
That you made
Let yourself be sad
I love you so much
But I'm not coming back

I'm thriving
Growing like a ****
Laughing at midnight
In my room by myself
Not because I'm manic
But because I'm happy
Happy
It's been a while since I've said that

Shame disgusts me
Tastes bitter in my mouth
A sour cucumber skin
Follows me like a wraith
Haunting my room with
Clicks and creaks
The storm cloud
Of my frizzy black hair
The imperfections of
My destroyed body
There's nothing I can do
That will not wrench me
With those agonizing
Sexualized stripes of pain
Known as shame
Even if my room
Smells like afternoon sunshine
I will always stink of meat
So let me be
Let me sink my own teeth
Into my own neck
End it all and get away
From this pounding
Tidal wave of petrifying
Intoxicatingly frightening
****** wristed
High on fasting
Torn to pieces
Suicidal
Shame

I'm not funny
Just pathetic
Curled up in bed
Surrounded by a mess
That sleeping left
Maybe someday
My wardrobe will fall over
And take me out
And we won't have
To do this anymore

I do not think I am vain
Just naive
And surprised my my own dark eyed
And darker circles

I'm jealous
How can I feel this way
When you stay with me
And sit away from the world
With me
When I need you to

I'm jealous
Because everything you have
Is everything I don't
Surrounded by friends and family
A buzzing halo of love
As if you descended from heaven

I'm jealous
You have such strong faith
You have your God
And your mother
And I have nothing
But a handful of late night indecisions

So I guess I'm jealous
Of your sociability
Of your gilded belief
Of your orthodox childhood
I'm jealous of you
I will never be you

I wonder why
Sometimes
Do they still look at me?
Does my sight make them feel
Turn away
Fight sadness and longing

Is love replaced with hatred with nothing at all?
Was it love at all?
Was their mind full of me?
Dark eyes smiling
Cattish mouth in a frown

Mascara stains all of my sheets
They caused it
Close my eyes and tip back
My eyes fill with water
My lungs fill with flames
Nothing can ever mend a broken promise

Their body is nothing but hatred
Their smile is nothing but a lie
Their face is nothing but a mask
They are nothing but a stranger

Sinking

Feeling


When I hear the telltale sound
Sobbing from the ceiling
While our parents
Don't hear a thing
I know it's wrong
To put my headphones on
But leaving you
In your misery
Drenched silence
Is easier than breaking it

Sitting in a large and
Somehow unfamiliar house
I am tired of my childhood
Tired of these purple walls
And PG movies
Decorating Christmas trees
This all feels too young
For me
Part of me feels strange
To leave behind
The fairy lights
And sleepless nights
With best friends in a hot tub
I was grown on Poptarts
And Sunday morning shows
None of that feels right anymore

I used to think
You were so blessed
Now I think
I was obsessed

But I'm not anymore
I've opened my eyes
Looking at you now
You're just another guy

Realizing that pursuing comfort in the form of abuse
is not some inherent part of me
but a behavior I developed as a result of trauma
changed the game.

I do not inherently seek and attract abusive men and unhealthy relationships.
I seek them because I was taught
by men I thought I loved
in my formative years
that abuse is love.
That sexually traumatizing behaviors
are what I want,
what I'm attracted to.
I have always known that this was not normal
but I thought it was my fault.
I thought this was who I am.

Realizing that I am a product of my environment,
an environment of cruel, **** addicted men
who provided me with my first impression
of a thing called love,
reminded me that that was my "nurture".
And that my "nurture" shaped such an integral part of me
That I thought it -was- me.
But it wasn't.

I'm not broken, actually.
The associations
my young brain has formed
between intimacy and violence
are not final,
nor are they true.
They've led me to seek
out the worst of men
the worst of everyone,
but
I have a choice in this.

I am not responsible for the men who thought they loved me
and thought that showing it through ****** violence was acceptable.
Their guilt is their own.
Their "nurture" is their cross to bear.
I do not have to tolerate their behavior,
I do not have to seek it out.
I do not have to tell myself that I enjoy it,
that I deserve it,
that I want or need it.
I do not have to center myself or my happiness
around being in a relationship
with an abusive man,
a relationship that distresses me
to the point of suicidal ideation.
I am the master of the universe
that is my mind
I can create my own nurture,
true nurture,
and discover what love actually is to me.

Realizing I was ***** and sexually abused
made me realize I did not choose for that to happen
or for the resulting trauma to develop.
But I do choose this.
I choose to heal.

Can I drown
In your familiar blue
Travel across the miles
Climb up to
Your window
Make myself
A home with you
Let's build up
A pillow fort
Close the windows
Lock the doors
Shut away the sun
And watch our
Flowers grow
Somehow nocturnal
With only your eyes
To light me up
There's no need
To worry though
I'll forever bloom
With you

I never knew he would break me
I never knew he would make me want to change me
To shift every aspect
Just to be someone else
So he could never love me
And it sickens me
To know that this is the place where he kissed me
That I'm in the body that he touched
He claimed to love
Wanted to become one with me
He can have me
Because I don't want me

Tired
Of ticking clocks
Taking stock
Of what I've
Fallen to

Seated
By the weary
Windows of light
Breaking up time
With eyes

Danced
All night long
Pretending there
Someone was there
Perfect dreams

Shook
In the morning
Rain pouring
Still no call
I can't stop falling

Early mornings
Apple in hand
Staring out at the fog
I'd like to think that
Things would be better with you

Kissing you
Would be a perfect piece of heaven
We have the kind of love angels will cry about
Biblical in nature
Life changing
World turning
You are my bird of paradise
My dove

It’s your lips
And your stomach
And your soft cheeked smile
But it’s your laugh too
So giddy and joyful and carefree
And the way you look at me
The way your eyes flick
To my complexion
Your eyes make me fall in love
Again and again

Laughing and looking and kissing slowly and softly
My darling dearest
I love you so infinitely
Our affection stretches past the stars
Past the bounds of the known universe
Faster than the speed of light, illuminating far away worlds
They will look up
And see a shimmering sky
As we drift through space
Hand in hand
Having forgotten about the rest of the world long ago

It's some sort of feeling
I can almost see
It's like a dream
My friend once described to me
I'm standing in the dark
With you flowing all around me
You and all our memories
You're bleeding out of my arteries
Disappearing in this zero gravity void
Droplets of you fading into the black
But you're not gone yet

Feelings
They berate me
I don't know what I feel for you
Or why
This is beginning to suffocate me

Insecurities
Both inside and out
Am I attracted to you?
Or am I simply so lonely
That I'm clinging to you

How am I to say
Why I want to kiss you
And dance with you
When I've never kissed before
And never danced but alone

One cannot miss what
They have not had
But I miss you
And your flaws
Anyways

Scared to make a move
I couldn't love you if I wanted to
I don't want to
If I see you again
I might fall for you anyways

Strangely crushed
Don't want to be in love
Just clear my ears
Fall fast asleep
Curled under this oak tree
Please leave me in peace