Stones in your
Sunshine
Wildfires
On my palms
Burning up
The lines
Of times
I never did
All those clothes
Piling in
Breaking up
Our words with
Mint leaves
And moths
On the ceiling
You're my
Magic eight ball
My stained glass
With glitter
On the rim
My okay
See you
I'll wait
For you
My lovecraft
My darling death
Let me be
Your final
Destination
Your King
To your Queen
We're a
Horrifying
Rhapsody
It's not
All that funny
Let's get married

Darling, I have
Almost no hobbies
I tried to
**** myself
Once or thrice
But nothing ever
Came of it
I'm really just
Oh so boring
I read all day
And not what they
Want, oh no
I'm a travesty
To look at
A senseless tragedy
That's all I'll
Ever be
I'm too fond
Of overt manipulation
But darling
That will never
Stop you
From telling me
Who I really am
A mighty brainless
***** of sorts
And I'll never
Touch a man
A girl's only so
If she never sweats
And the only
Thing out there
Is an abusive
Husband
Love you're breaking
All the boundaries
You knit and
You sew and
You bake a cake
But don't touch
A crumb
You're smart
And you read
You'll soon be off
To university
Really just incredibly
Wildly exceptional
And for you
Opinions, well
Whoever said
That sexism
Is dead
Has obviously
Never met you

Nothing is really
All that strange
If you think
Too much or
For long enough
If there really is
A great big man
Who lives in
The clouds and
Watches our
Every move
Then why
Is it such a big deal
When people love
Each other
In a way they're
"Not supposed to"
If an immortal
Presence graces
Our every moment
Then why do we
Care if someone
Cuts their hair
When there are
Wars and natural
Disasters why do
We prioritize
Someone's abortion
In the news
Besides, who is
This "God" guy
Why the hell
Should we trust him
He "created" us
But we don't owe
"Him" anything

It's
Been
Eleven
Days and
I'm ******* tired
So close to falling apart
When did I become such a disaster

This isn't meant
To reach
Their eyes
Nor am I
It's a little
Late now to
Consider
Common courtesy
I might as
Well speak
I've nothing
To lose
But everything
I failed
At failing
That's the worst
Failure of all
And some
Nights I still
Dream that
I'm back
In that hell
But in my
Mind I stay
Behind and
I never
Let him go
But that's
Not the truth
I don't know
Where he is
Or who I am
Just that
This mind
Is empty
Of everything
In a way
Tormented
By the things
I swore
I watched
Fade
It's hard
To say that
I won't let them
Break me
When all that
I want is to
Break and
Break and
Break
Until I'm
Shattered down
To a piece
Of sand
Waiting for a
Wave to take
Me away
When I think
Of home
I think
Of pain
There's no
House without
Blades
There's no
Love without
Shame
I'm falling
Away
From all
My drawings
Sketching
Of ideas
I once thought
I had
I can barely
Step in
The rightest
Direction
When every
Which way
I am faced
With the same
Mistakes
I keep on
Making
Maybe it's
Fate that I'll
Leave like
They didn't
Maybe it's
Best that I
Bow out now
Maybe it's
Will that I
Throw caution
To the wind
And myself
With it
This life
Is a hell
That doesn't
Mean it
Has to be mine

Maybe someday
I just won't
Think about this
Anymore
Maybe I won't
Think at all
But for now
I'm trapped
As the wisp
It sings
It plucks
At my strings
I'm just
An instrument
Of my own
Torture
And I can't
Bear it
Anymore

I hate that
Every conversation
With you
Is just
A conversation
With myself

K
Yea
Lol
***
Look
Wow
Oof

We probably shouldn't talk. I can say all that to myself. I don't need you to do it for me.

I took a bath earlier
I didn't think about you
I read for a while
I laughed
I hit my head on a space heater
And I didn't think about you
But now I am
And I'm sick with you
It took me ten days
To figure it out
That I can't wait
To forget about you

It's rainy
And my reading
Has run dry
I don't want you
On my mind
Since when
Have you been
Painful for me
I've been writing
You poetry
For ten days now
And it didn't
Hurt before
You're difficult
Or maybe
That's me

Part of healing
Is letting go
And I should forget
The way you looked
At me
But you're my
Own private hell
Burned into my mind
By our eyes
As much as it hurts
I wouldn't stop
If I could
You're the furthest
From breaking
I've ever come

Shame disgusts me
Tastes bitter in my mouth
A sour cucumber skin
Follows me like a wraith
Haunting my room with
Clicks and creaks
The storm cloud
Of my frizzy black hair
The imperfections of
My destroyed body
There's nothing I can do
That will not wrench me
With those agonizing
Sexualized stripes of pain
Known as shame
Even if my room
Smells like afternoon sunshine
I will always stink of meat
So let me be
Let me sink my own teeth
Into my own neck
End it all and get away
From this pounding
Tidal wave of petrifying
Intoxicatingly frightening
****** wristed
High on fasting
Torn to pieces
Suicidal
Shame

The sun shines
Too bright
On fragile grey eyes
California gothic
To the translucent sky
If I pray
The ground will shake
But if I'm prey
It'll shake anyways

It's too sunny
To think about you
I'll do it anyways
I'm too busy
To be so worried
I'll do it anyways
So many places
I've got to be
Yet I'm in my head
Dreaming again
About your Colorado
To my east coast
I'm obsessed with
The promise
Of a letter from you
I just can't wait
Never knew
Depression could be
So **** happy
It's really selfish
To be thinking
About dates
When your head
Is being erased
And I'm doing
Nothing
But it's too late
You're already gone
And so am I
So please write back
I'm in love with
Your ideas and
The sight of your face

I want a tattoo
And a bathroom
With nice towels
And some good drapes
The solid kind
You order online
Not the ones
You buy from IKEA
I want a wife
But only
If she wants me
And a beautiful
Dog with a big
Fuzzy tail and a
Heart full of love
I want a trampoline
I don't need a
Big family
Just someone to
Hold me up and
To hold up
In return
I want to shave my head
And pierce my nose
And go to college
Where I want to go
I want to garden
Grow my own food
I want to learn
A lot
I guess
How to dye hair
How to sew
I would have a
Full closet of
Victorian clothes
If I could sew
I'd like to travel
A lot of places
Germany, Russia
Japan, Maine
There's so many things
I want right now
And that's okay

In a different reality
My family isn't happy
Not to say that
It is now, really
But the occasional
Shared smile
Wouldn't happen very
Often since
There would be
Nobody there
To share it

Or maybe I'm a dancer
Just for you and me
My pirouette
Might well be poisonous
But I'm sure you'll
Fall for it anyways

I'm an art to your
Lovely bones and parasols
When I strike water
I really strike blood
And my self harm tattletale
Will never be enough

My chemical heart
Is just one nick I'll sew
Into your patchwork of scars
Don't worry about the
Aftercare
I heal wrong no matter the day

Maybe
If I write you
Enough poems
And send you
Enough texts
About the stupid
Dreams I have
And send you
Enough pictures
Of alpacas and
My pets
If I let you
Know through
Online poems how
Much you really mean
You'll come
Back home
And call me
That night
And we can
Meet up at
A ****** movie
Theater
Watch that new
Horror movie
Walk down to
A park and sit
And talk about
Our lives
You can show me
Khoshekh and
I'll show you
My new bangs
I know that
Will never happen
But I'll still
Dream it anyways
I know I'll
Never love you
And I know I'll
Never see you
But the world is
Getting colder
My faith is
Slowly dying
But I'm not
Giving up on you
Like they
Gave up on me
Love
I'll keep on
Trying

Friendship is
A cold nose thing
Middle of the winter
Huddling in coats
Under trees
Dripped on by rain
That kind of thing
Wet socks from
Running
In Pacific weather
Thing
Laughing at each other
Because we can barely
Put our hair up
Thing
Sharing deodorant and
Pictures we drew
In the back of
Language Arts
Kind of thing
It's a petty kind
Of thing
Leaving t-shirts at
Their house
Kind of thing
Never giving that
Necklace back
Kind of thing
Everything they have
Is now yours too
It's almost like
Marriage but
A little less insane
And when they lose
You do too
And we always lose
In life or in death
Or in pain
Or in distance
Or in hatred
Or in love
There's loss
And I've lost
Them all

Cold days and
Cold feet
I just don't
Want to get up
Right now
Don't be sad
Or think that
I am
I'm not
I'm just tired
And frustrated
And I want to be alone
In the world
Doing what I love
I hope that's not
Too much to ask

Take a deep breath
Let it out
Look down at your hands
Turn over your palms
Trace those lines
They're real
And you're the only one with them
Whether you believe
In palm reading
Or simple idiosyncrasies
Or the monotonous diversity
Of humanity
You have your own lines
Your own life
And the way you see your friends
Beautiful and wonderful and
Lovely in their flaws
Is how someone sees you
You're astonishing
You're a ******* work of art
Maybe you can't see it yet but
Someday that veil will lift
And you'll see how much you are
You are enough
You are so much more than enough
There's a lifetime in those palms
And it isn't over yet
So take a deep breath
And open your eyes

To feel the sun
On my skin
It's heaven
When the warmth
Of love
Caresses my scalp
I'd die
Gladly
In that moment

But nothing feels as good
As letting go
Knowing that enough
Is enough
Nothing is quite like
That creeping pang
Of hungry guilt
That eats away at
Everything
No amount of sun
Could ever equal
The rain
No amount of
Smiling faces
Could take away
The pain
Of a lonely mind
Nothing parallels
A broken heart
And a broken mind
Nowhere is as home
As the room
With the ragged walls

The mental torture
Struggling to stay
For just one
More day
Crying alone
Muffling the sound
Pressing others away
Pushing myself down
It's hell on earth
It's my great black cloud
My unholy hurricane
My mental rollercoaster
With the wheels
Lit on fire
And the safety bars gone
It's a death trip
But still a trip
And I wouldn't
Have it
Any other way

Can I drown
In your familiar blue
Travel across the miles
Climb up to
Your window
Make myself
A home with you
Let's build up
A pillow fort
Close the windows
Lock the doors
Shut away the sun
And watch our
Flowers grow
Somehow nocturnal
With only your eyes
To light me up
There's no need
To worry though
I'll forever bloom
With you

Darling
We aren't done yet

It's a funny thing
Looking back
On a moment
That could've been
The last
It's funny when it
All comes down to
That single second
Where the current
Threatens
To pull you under
And then it lets go
And you can float
Among the broken boards
The damage from
The storm
Drifting in the
Aftermath

When will it all
Come crashing down
Around my ****** heels
When will it end
When will I sit
In the hospital again
When will I finally give in
To the nighttime cries
Of demons I try
Not to recognize
When will the light go out
Flicker and melt
To the ground
When will I fall
For the devil I
See in dreams
When will it end
This perfect nightmare
When will too much
Finally become enough
To push me over the edge
When will summer end
When will I end
Again

Why can't you see
That I love you
Very much
But you need
To get away
From me

Moonlight
Gardening
Playing punk music
In our
Tiny backyard
Kale brushing
Pale bare calves
Soft earth
Between toes
Cucumbers plucked
From delicate stems
Eating the fruits
Of long hours
In the dry sun
On a dew damp
Trampoline
On a cool full moon

Don't you dare
Think that the miles
Matter much
You're my
Cataclysmic
Landslide
And I'll
Never stop
Thinking of you
Your face
Will always
Be in dreams
And there's no time
That when I close
My eyes
You won't be
On my mind

It's a dusty
Terrain
Sad to say
It's always the same
Breaking down
In the slightest of ways
Never not
Waiting for rain
Sharpened heels
Dig into my thighs
As everyone runs
And I am left behind
Smothered in the clouds
Abandoned sky
I am their's
They'll never be mine

All at once
We can breathe again
But somehow
The same old
Suffocation
Will never
Truly leave
I'm begging you
Please
Just let me be
I'm fading
Like the wallpaper
In the palor
With the water damaged
Trim
And the moldering
Carpet
While the leaves swirl
I just fall down
A decrepit house
And things live inside
That you don't want
To see
I'm not pretty
So darling
Slide a chair
Under the handle
I only last so long
The demons keep
Biting
At the windows
And scratching up my glass
I guess that means
It's time to leave

Everyone wants to
Be exceptional
But no one wants to
Be the hypocrite
Who made it that way

Sinking

Feeling


When I hear the telltale sound
Sobbing from the ceiling
While our parents
Don't hear a thing
I know it's wrong
To put my headphones on
But leaving you
In your misery
Drenched silence
Is easier than breaking it

It's been two days
Since I knew
That I temporarily
Lost you
To yourself
I guess
I won't text
I won't want
To call you
Anymore
Day two
And I already miss you

Maybe it's not
The world's best idea
To drive down today
And go to a **** beach

Cut my hair
As cute as can be
Now I'm even better
At hiding what is me

Lost and all
Alone inside
A darkened room
I've never seen
But I know
How it is
Doing the things
You never
Wanted and
Asking the
Sky how this
Came to be
Falling apart
From all the
Mistakes that
You didn't
Mean to
Make and
Watching the
World so far
From your
Home but
This isn't the
End and I
Swear to every
God I've
Never believed
In that I
Won't give
Up on you

What's the deal with love
Why is it so elusive
Why do we all
Lives our lives
Chasing out own tails
In the name of love
It's the subject of every song
Every book and movie
Just has to have love
You can only be single
If you're ready to mingle
And I'm done
The only one
I can't wait to fall for
Is myself

Your pretty face
And I can't wait
Layered morning sounds
Scenes that come in
Sizes and scents
That dance on my
Skin like fireflies
With wild eyes
That I can't erase
From my deeply
Troubled mind
Inquiring quietly
If there is a time
Of day you take
To think about the
Fleeting things
Of feeling things
You've never felt before

Just because
You take precautions
Doesn't mean
I won't break

Drawing flowers
Foxglove and
Red stained hearts
Bleeding out
On the pavement
Sending kisses
Over the phone
Texting like
Wildflowers
Popping up
In the darkness
Of my mind

Can I please
Be something more
Than empty

I'm such a failure sometimes
I'm not even close
To perfect
I guess
I never will be
That's okay though
There's enough light inside me
To light up this dark room
And even if it's ugly
It'll have to be enough
For better
Or for worse
All these things
These flaws
These intricacies
Are only for me
I'm a mixing ***
Of all the usual things
In a way all my own
My life
Is a culmination
To the one I am now
To the one I was
To the one I will become
For better
Or for worse
I think I like the one
I am

Sitting alone
Drowning in dark
Gaze fixed
On the glowing light
From behind that glass
I'm happy enough where I am
There's no need to go outside

She is the best thing
My mind can see
Long amethyst waves
An unscarred wrist
Talking sometimes
I can hear her voice
In silent letters
Through the phone
And now what she is
Is a beautiful presence
A lovely evanescence
That sleeps with me
And guides my dreams
From miles away
With her blender fish tank
Someday I fear
All that she will be
Is a ghost of a dream
Forever lost to me

Sometimes
On a sticky morning
Where the sun
Won't stop shining
And my head
Won't stop wondering
The next best thing
Is a tale as old
As time

There's much about you
I adore
Your face
The way you smile
When I step
Into a room
Your buoyant laugh
That raises me
The wrinkles
At the corners of your eyes
Life is hard
But it's good sometimes
Most of all
I like about you
Is how when everything
Is falling apart
You pull us back
Together
Just enough
To keep me
Wanting you

I can't wait
To be more
Than just a mistake

She does so much for me
Birthed me and took me
Out to see the sun
Raised me in a meadow
Of daisies and green
Lulled me to sleep
In the shady wake
Of a weeping willow tree
Those gnarled roots
And twisted tongues
Of emerald flame
Will never not
Be home to me
She is gone
Or perhaps I am
Still there are sights
Of her shadow
Long off in the woods
I am just a burden
On her gentle
Nymph's hand

I'm not sure when
I flew
At first
A simple night
Dark with
Starry skies
I rose up
From the hole in the earth
Birthed by the ground
A child of nature
Sent up into
Life

I would talk
But there's nothing to say
I would take you
But there's nothing to save