Flight
Upon a case
Of pure white
Steps
Spiral for miles
Ultimately through darkness
Away from the boxes
Of all things best forgotten
Trials and tribulations
To occupy time
While feet face more steps
In the perilous climb
To the light
Spillage of gold
From the hole
In the ground
Up into a night
A starry ceiling
Black painted sky
With lights trinkling down
This beautiful wallpaper
Of leaves and time

There are a million little things
That I want to say to you
That's you'll always be beautiful
And my heart lights up
Whenever I get a text
Then drops
When it isn't from you
Your music tastes are great
There's someone I think you'd like
But you'll never get to know
Because we don't talk much anyways
I think I'm caught up
In your face
And your smile
It's so cliche but
I haven't felt like this
In a while
You're something I'll always miss
Sweet cherry blossoms
Mixed with a bit of bitterness
There's something we never had
That touch and go
Easily flowing conversation
And I want that
Like I want you
I want you

Raining too fast
Drops suspended in air
A soundtrack to back
That sad indie playlist
I bet you wouldn't like

There's no reason for things to be like this
There's no reason that my heart shakes
There's no reason that I feel this way

But there's also no way
For me to push this down
For me to block this out
As much as I hate it
I miss it

And seeing them their
Upstairs
In long pants
And tube socks
And smocks
And just tubes in general
And the new boy
So nice and shy
I can't help but wish
It wasn't always over

There's no reason for things to be like this

Cars rumble
I can smell you on the tarmac
Catch me on the breeze
That drifts through the
Open car window
It's too stuffy in here
I'm too busy today
To take my time and
Watch the clouds
Race across the sky
Just as busy as I
We scuttle along
Like ***** in water
And sometimes I wonder
About you
Up in your art room
About graffiti and drugs
On the streets
And their ***** hair
And unreadable eyes
About the cryptids
And cigarettes
Cults in the woods
The filthy scrub
Down by the tracks
That you left in my heart
When I left your constellation
Was I really a part
Of your personal set of stars

Misery
Is my favorite company
Because she never
Gets tired of me

It's raining again today
Normally
I fall in love
With the rain
But today
Something is off
Something is different
Something is wrong
Something I cannot place
But it is there
And it wants me gone

Something has changed
Since I last was awake
Sounds are wrong
My pulse is unnerved
My limbs are sitting strangely
The world blurs
As rain twinkles down
Crouching outside
On the edge
Of a field of weeds
I am not wanted
I do not belong
Some space is being taken
By me
That is not mine to take

Oh early morning dream
Who's going to stop me
From bending down
And throwing out
All the things
That got me this far
I know it's never worth it
And my mind
Doesn't know what's right
But minds can be so deceiving
Especially mine

Calm and collected
There's a power
To amber evening light
The bearer of night
The songs of birds
Resonating in my bones
Rhythm pulsing
In my soul
Alone has never been
So powerful

Tired
Always tired
Eyelashes
Sting my eyes
Blinking is a pain
Honestly
Today
Early morning rising
No food
Before a blood draw
It must be good
Or else I'll never leave

At least there's birds today
A dog on the
Front porch
Sprawled out
Like my dreams
Dreams of going somewhere
Anywhere
That this isn't
I have those
To count on
To count up
And swallow
Like the pills
That I took
This morning

It's too early for this ****

Come home
Go through the door
Nearly collapse
On the front steps
Slip off shoes
Crawl into bed

It'd be nice
To watch a movie
Or read a good book
But I'm drained
And tired
So I'll go to sleep instead

It's funny how the bad things last
I could spend a year
Sitting in my veins
Pleading to any god
And everything would be the same
So seventh months later
How different am I?
Is my mind finally healed?
Are the scars finally fading?
Or am I destined
To be
Forever and always
Broken

I guess I'm alone again
It's okay
This isn't new for me
That doesn't make it hurt
Any less

I've never heard you laugh harder
Than when you are away from me
I've never seen you smile wider
Than when you're getting ready to leave

It's okay
It's okay
I'm okay

She's cute
She has purple hair
She bought a Jesus pen
For some reason
Can't wait to see it
She likes bands
Bands that I actually know
She compliments me
Even though I'm ugly
And she's a witch
Who speaks Spanish

****
I'm sick
And you're with her
And I'm with me
He moved
Or maybe I did
I'm not quite sure
What Spanish has to do with this
Lost in thoughts
Half dream
Half reality
Doing my best
Not to obsess or
Fall apart
In my tiny corner
Wiping my nose
Roaming the halls
In my mind
Desperate for anything
But especially you

It's truly a bit
Ridiculous
That I still miss him
So long gone
Might as well be dead
In a hospital bed
But I hope to God
In whom I have no faith
That he'll call me someday
And everything
Will be okay

I hate you when you're laughing
Because you're not laughing
With me
That isn't fair
Life isn't fair
That's why you're
Over there and
Not looking at me
Jealousy
Is disgusting
And I'm full of it
I guess it's best
That I stink alone
And forget about the good times
Picking out music
Awkward compliments
Smiling through
A water glass
Nothing lasts
I'm hyper-dramatic

I’m not saying
That I’m jealous
I just wish
You would look at me
Like you look at her
The way you laugh
And show her your art
And make jokes
That aren’t really fun
That evoke her
Laughter
I would do anything
For that to be me
Sitting side by side
Writing in class
With her looking on
Definitely not jealous

Crushed
I'm crushed
Ground down
To the finest dust
Waiting to be blown away
Bury me in skies
Anywhere
That isn't here

Sweet summer sun
Hidden by clouds
Rain pours down
Puddles forming
Where dog feet splash
Plants growing up
Tangled in the light
Feeding on the rain
Beautiful days
Wild strawberries and
Huckleberry trees
Dark eyes
Hidden by shadows
Wisdom
Buried under roots

She's something
So tall and
So pretty
They say that she's skinny
And so special
With big dark eyes
And crooked smiles
Yes she's just
So pretty
If only she
Could see the things
That everyone else sees

But even if she isn't
It's okay
Because she's strong
She can hold her own
In a fight
She doesn't back down
She doesn't give up
She survives
The worst fights
She tears herself apart
Then picks up all the pieces

Some days
There's a fountain
In my soul
Shooting up words
And thoughts
Clear fresh water
Droplets on a page

Some days
The well goes dry
Eyes burning
Free from tears
No words
No love
This is worse somehow

The touch
Of your hand
To your chin
As I watch
It meant nothing
At first
And then I thought
About it
A bit
I looked it up
Online
So thank you
Too
It means a lot

You waved
Today
When I was driving off
It didn't mean much
I know
But it meant a lot
To me
This means a lot to me
You know
The way we talk
The way we play
This game
How many times
Can I tell you
I like your
Whatever it might be
Before you realize
I just like you
In general

I like your shirt
You like my hat
I like your hair
You like my necklace
It's not mine
But you could be
Sorry
I'm cheesy
That happens sometimes

Hopeless
Helpless
I would do anything
To let you in
To let you know
That I feel your pain
I’ve been there
Same story
Same place
Crying out
To see the light
That isn’t there
But I’m by your side
So let me know
If there is anything
I can do
I think I’d do anything
To see you smile
Again

Under dramatic
Anticlimactic
Words left unwritten
By long dead hands
And real horrors
Come in dreams
Chase scenes
Creeping things
Without respite
Without avail
Nightmare endings
To day dream prose

I hope you don't mind
If I'm too excited to see you
I can't wait to read
The story you wrote
And show you mine too
We love the same songs
So tell me about your bands
I might compliment
Your hair again
Please don't get tired

I think you're really cool
I like your rainbow socks
And all your tees
And the way you tease
And talk about your cats
Your axolotls seem rad
Just like you
I hope things go well
And I hope you don't mind
If I'm thinking of you

Fresh peaches and
Hunting for
Seashells
In my head
Laying on my bed
Watching windows
Flash past
On a train
I've only seen
Once or twice
In scattered dreams
Wondering where
The hours went

Breaking waves
Of wind against
The glass
Ocean tides
Marked by time
Marked by suicides
Of young dive bombers
Too scared to see
The sun
Too proud to take
The lower road
Too alive to face
Death
In any other way

Will there ever
Come a day
When self hatred
Doesn't seem so easy
And my body
Will be just another thing

When I first began
It was just for fun
All face
No eyes
A nightmare
Terror
Picasso portrait
In disguise

Then it really began
To beautify
Liquid layers
Shattered hues
Blacking out
Spaces
In purple
And blue

Enthusiasm wanes
Experiences
Replace passion
With patience
Love for myself
Missing in action
All things breaking
All things fading

Morning light
Might as well be midnight
You're asleep and I'm
By the window again
Watching shadows in the trees
Light on leaves and
Shadows
Leaving my body

Are they demons
Of mine
Fleeing for shelter
From summer light
Might as well
Bask while it
Lasts
They'll be back

Scared of the night
Isn't really my style
Shining out lights
Locking up windows
To keep myself out
Wishing that
All those days
Has killed more

I'm not suicidal but
Part of this
Needs to end

Sitting alone
In this room with you
Asleep on my bed
While I sit
By the window
It always goes this way
You're perfect, love
Until you're not
We're the best of friends
At times
But in the end
To me
You're selfish
To you
I'm disposable

Beautifully
Indecent
Lost in foggy dreams
Your face is still
The only thing I see
When I close my eyes
To shut out the light
Of a cold
Harsh world
Without you

Every night
Is another night
Where you come home
As a wheelchair girl
Each night
Is a fairytale
Where I'm lost in you
Inside your world
Begging you
Upon waking breath
To lose your fears
And find me again

Hey.
I don't know you but
I'd love to make your acquaintance
Standing in the rain
So I can finally
See the sun

Hi.
Nice to meet you but
Something's tearing up my insides
Teasing white lies
About how I'll
Do it wrong with you

Hello.
I'd love to be
Happy in your eyes
Savvy in your smile
Never saying goodbye
To your face in my mirror

It's hard not
To see my bones and
Wonder
If there is more
Where they came from
Deep down
Beneath my skin
Who knows
How many skeletons
Are buried in my soil

Where are you right now?
Halfway through
To glassy panels
Sitting alone
Might I find you
Lost in letters
Of things I never wrote

Does the same moon
Rise upon you?
Hoary in the night
Glistening alone
Is my face
Lost in craters
Miles away

Do phantom scents
Haunt your walls
As your breathing does
For me alone
Or am I
For you lost
To be found

I'm not afraid anymore
Ever since you told me
It is not weak to cry
Something opened up
Inside of me
A void finally
Touched by light

Broken days

Living in a daze

Thinking that maybe

If I went to space

The vacuum would ****

All the air out of my lungs

I could be happy then

Crazy good friends
Come as a black
Haired girl
A wheelchair boy
A tall slim smile
Pink hair
And balloon shreds
Popped out
On the deck
Running down the halls
Laughing until sides stop
French words faded
Next week
Too far away
Five weeks later
Still sitting
And dreaming
Curled up on
A leather couch
Under blankets
Over life
Dripping in slime
Dancing in their eyes
A group of crazy good friends
Waiting outside

Soft leather words
Sliding on my skin
As if I'd ever forget
The way we stayed
Forever at
Each other's sides
Your hand
Not quite in mine
Light hearted laughter
Echoing through the dark
Corners of my mind
Breaking through
Like sunbeams
In a storm
Beautifully
Crazily
How you all accept me
Crashing words
Stripped of lies
I'll miss you
But I'll smile

Wherever you are
I don't want to see you
Hands in the rain
Grasping an umbrella
Long fallen to your side
Your hair's wet
But you know that

Staying at home
Your coffee is cold
Mixing up the sugar
Won't bring it all back
Biting your lip
For the avoidance in the eyes
Of your own reflection

Tears well up
Let them fall down
Mourn the grave
That you made
Let yourself be sad
I love you so much
But I'm not coming back

Wishing
Wondering
On windy days
Hoping for rain
To pick up
The dirt
And the dust
To wash you clean
To whisk me away

I wish I was
A blank page
So perfectly clean
Nothing to see
Nothing to fear
No disorders
No skeletons
In closets
No dusty corners
Filled with secrets
No quiet tears
No sleepless nights
Just a blank page
Ready for life

I guess
I'll walk away
From everything
You never were
To me

All I was
To you
Was second rate
Second choice
Second place

You are the one
Breathe red and gold
Into my lungs
Dust
From a thousand stars
Falling prettily
On your hair

Grass
Green as those eyes
Too aggressive
Yet shy
Playing chicken
In the sun
Burning up

Forest fires
Clumsy hands
Subtlety
Was never your style
I was
Though
I was

Quiet
Mournful
Hair before my face
Clothes before my skin
Body over mind
Learning all too well
That skinny thighs
And a sun bright smile
Are more than my mind
More than my hands
That touch
So lovingly
Creating and destroying

Bend me back
Until I break
A perfect body
I shall make
Burn the mind
Sell the soul
A perfect body
Makes me whole

Tired
Of ticking clocks
Taking stock
Of what I've
Fallen to

Seated
By the weary
Windows of light
Breaking up time
With eyes

Danced
All night long
Pretending there
Someone was there
Perfect dreams

Shook
In the morning
Rain pouring
Still no call
I can't stop falling

I can't stop looking at
Empty photos
And wondering
Why everyone leaves

Out with the old
In with the new
At least
That's what they told me

Sweeping up dust
Throwing open windows
Letting in spring
That's what they told me

Clear out your contacts
Delete those old pictures
Wipe the slate clean
That's what they told me

Open up and let go
All that you once were
Rebirth yourself
That's what they told me

Letting go of the things
That kept me alive
Left with only loss
They never told me that