a third-pound of ground beef
and a pile of diced ramp bulbs
I laced it with steak seasoning
rolled in about a handful

ain't got no time for fancy buns
so I thought that instead
of dressing up a masterpiece
I'd put it on some bread

**...and it was good

until
my fingers
are too sore
to mash
the strings

breaking
promises
shattering
dreams
tears *hide on my pillow
and silence my screams
I don't look to  create
only seek to destroy
and I play with emotions
as if they were toys
but hey, not to worry
I won't hurt no one else
cos I found
a suitable victim,

*myself

.

.

when we met

it was magical


and when you said you wanted to know

everything

about me

it was terrifying

I ran for days


I didn't deserve you


but when I came back

you were still waiting for me

and you were there

until I made  the same mistake

too many times


I broke you in more ways

than I thought possible

until you got tired of fighting

and then just walked away


you didn't deserve me


XI B

I told her I loved her

she called me a liar

I set out to please her

she set me on fire

she's the reason I live

I'm the reason she dies

she's the reason I give

I'm the reason she cries

I'd **** for her

she'd **** me on sight

I just want to talk

she just wants to fight

the pain is exquite
I'm begging for more

but she don't even give me
that much anymore

to her, I'm a want

but to me, she's a need

but my love made her cry

*and her chains made me bleed

.

.

.


have you ever built a castle
high and mighty, out of sand
to slip and when you stumble
have it crumble in your hands?

the memory of what should be
will haunt you every day
without the hope you once had
you can never be the same

the worst part is you know that
there is nothing you can do
and nothing else to blame
the only variable was you

-

bud and coffee

2 am

this hopeless feeling

sinking in

--

my mind is racing

going nowhere

a sense of dread is hanging

in the stale and sticky air

---

I feel a chill

I can't explain

as my head starts to ring

I feel a set of eyes on me

and I can hear her screams

----

and there's nobody else here

but

I'm still not by myself

because I can still hear her voice

still crying out for help

-----

I see her tears

I hear her cries

I feel all of the hate

I feel the disappointment from

* when I came back too late

------

I feel her eyes upon me

as they burn into my soul

I feel the pain I caused her*

as it's darkening my soul

-------

see shadows racing

through my house

or are they in my head??

I wonder if I've made

some sort of contact with the dead

--------

should be in bed

3 hours ago

I know this much for certain

or should I smoke another bowl

*and watch the blinds and curtains?

well, we had a good run
but,
I guess
that's all over
now


but that's  okay


I still have
Mrs. Buttersworth
and
Aunt Jemima
around
*to brighten up my day

I'll be there for you

...

when it works out for me

but,

I don't feel like

feeling

anymore

so

I'm gonna

take

a step back

and try

to just

"be"










I'm pretty sure

the universe

won't

miss me

too much

I'll be back

when I

feel more like

"adulting"

.
.
.
.


I know you really hate me right now
and we haven't spoke for awhile, but
wherever you are right now
I can feel you fading away
and I tried to text you, but
every time I do
I'm completely
overcome by this
vague sense of terror
tightening my airways just enough
to make me really take notice
and making my heart pound
all the way in my throat
so I am powerless to reach you
but whatever you're doing
with your Saturday night
I just really hope you're safe
I never meant
for things
to turn out
this way

spring
is
in the air
and
as I'm pouring out sweat
from a good days work
trying to find the strength
to carry on
a cool breeze
catches me off my guard,
followed by a warm shower
and lifts my spirits
in a way I have long since forgotten
was even possible

today started off
with a little variety
left my house sleep-deprived
for my group for anxiety

and I look forward to it
that group feels like home
guess I need a reminder
that I'm not alone

and I came out replenished
ready for the day
I feel I can face life
*a whole different way

I'm trying

but I don't see the point
when all I really wanna do
is smoke a  ******* joint

or maybe
just a couple beers
would help make things
a bit more clear

It might help my *anxiety
but i'd *lose my sobriety


no

I won't let it win
today
Instead, I think
I'll
**meditate

.
.
.

When I think of you,
I can't help but think about


your sleepy voice
telling me "good morning"

the way you took my dogs in
and spoiled them like your own

the way you calmed my fears
and beat my demons into submission

the way your skin always radiated
a warm, angelic glow

the way you fought for me
til you had nothing for yourself

the way you loved me so hard
you almost had me loving myself

the way you built me up so high
to knock me down later

but most importantly,
when I think of you
I can't help but think
of all those last chances you gave me

you were the best thing
that ever happened to me

__ grant me the serenity
to forgive all my enemies

grant me the courage,
and the strength
to never take another drink

I need some of your wisdom,
too
to never lose my faith in you

I'll carve your name upon my wrist
to make sure that I don't forget

but I've no cash
for more tattoos
so Sharpie will just have to do

a simple stripe,
a simple band
a couple dots across my hand

so to the world,
it's plain to see
that you have left your mark on me

and you may think it's kinda odd
that this prayer doesn't mention God

I put my faith in something real
the most profound thing I can feel

there's no one I would place above
the one I'm always thinking of

she came and saved me from myself
and when she dared to ask for help
I left her in the flames to burn
'cos I knew i'm no good for her



III

*16:07

.

it's like finding an exciting new disease
that you never knew
you couldn't live without

it becomes your spirituality
after a "spiritual experience"
affecting everything you do

you're on the path to destruction
and you chase things that leave you empty
like impossibilities

you spiral down, down
until you reach the bottom
and there's no one to break your fall

..

after being down for long enough
your anxieties are replaced with apathy
to where up and down look the same

and if you're very lucky, someone may come along and make a huge impact
somewhat restoring your will to live

gratitude turns to love, love to obsession
as they become more valuable to you
than anything else in your existence

...

determined to be enslaved no longer
you cast aside your old, toxic friends
in favor of healthier choices

with a sizeable chunk of your life missing
you are left with a hungry void
that must be filled with something

so you take up a hobby, or several
and feel some contentment, but it don't last
you're trading one addiction for another

....

your demons haven't gone, but
you find you can keep them contained
if you can keep yourself busy

they're too weak to fight, but they will still
try to trick you into submission
by manipulating your dreams

and even with all the will you can muster
you find that you are basically powerless
and your higher power is tired of your ****

...and it will always be a part of you

my eyes feel like
they're gonna bleed
and I can't get
enough to eat



11/17/16
*00:45

anesthesia
and opioid dreams

rolled-up smokes
and guitar strings*

with rotting mind
and rotting teeth

I'm losing weight
I'm losing sleep

cut me open
sew me up

the pain I feel
is not enough

give me something
more to feel

try to persuade me
this is real

I've spent so much
time on my own

that I'm afraid
it's left me cold

I'm a monster
so I'm told

my loyalties are
bought and sold

look in the mirror
I'm repulsed

I check my wrist
can't find a pulse

this corpse I wear
is just a shell

that keeps me locked
inside this hell

with runny nose
and bloodshot eyes

I sit alone
and wait to die

but it seems death
will never come

*or have I already
succumbed?

.

in this dingy cell of my own creation
there really isn't much to hope

it is cold, dimly lit
and the only thing they serve
is hopelessness
with a side of regret

but there's still a ray of hope
I lost the key,
but the door and it's hinges are rusted
from the seething hatred they contain

this place will not become my tomb

**XVII

Smoked out,
I'm choked out
I'm feeling kinda dumb
my eyes look like they're gonna bleed
my face feels kinda numb

I hope nobody spoils
all this happiness I've found
it might just **** up everything
to have someone around

listening to the radio
just tryin' to let my mind flow
I feel this sense of dread
And I'm paralyzed
'til I realize
it's all just in my head

day-dreams
in color
as hours fly on past
the only thing I don't like
is that it don't really last

but that's okay, I figured out
exactly what to do
I'll just pack another bowl
about every hour or two

I agree and nod my head
I didn't hear a word you said
I'm tuned into the grinding gears
that cause that ringing in my ears



*11/17/16
00:31

I thought that I was finally strong enough
to make it without you, but I'm afraid
I've fallen back into that same hole
that you pulled me out of and

I need you

just like I always did
when I felt myself
losing control

where have you gone?

I searched
the familiar places
but I can't find a sign of you anywhere

why did you leave me?

you knew I couldn't make it on my own
just like when I left all those times
I knew you needed me

.
.
.

my existence was so chaotic
that I couldn't get enough sustenance
but you'd sustained me

and slowly but surely
I'd get strong enough
that I didn't need you anymore

so I'd toss you aside
until I got weak enough
that I wouldn't have made it without you

then I would come crawling back
to feed on your positivity
and fill your head with sweet nothings

that was then, but now
I can't live without you
I've grown attached

but not in such a loving way
I need you the way
a parasite needs a host

and I just can't
accept the fact
that i'm killing you

but I just can't let you go
and it's too late to walk away
because I'm under your skin

Why am I still
trying to find a way
in
when she's searching
for a way
out
?

because she's the one
I can't live
**without

my teeth are rotting from my skull
they're coming out today
it seems my body's breaking down
but I guess that's okay

I often sit and wonder if
I'll live to twenty-five
without someone to reassure me
everything is fine

the story of my life so far
is like a Country song
with nothing meaningful to say
and it takes way too long

she said she loved me for my heart
but I knew that was fleeting
because sometimes I just can't tell
if it's still even beating

my teeth are rotting from my skull
my Muse has left me, too
there's always
something breaking down
and nothing I can do

and at this point, I just don't care
if I should live or die
with nobody around
to tell me reassuring lies

I'm left without the only thing
that ever made me strong
so everything is ****** now
just like a Country song

she said she loved me for my heart
but it's no longer beating
but why am I still leaking out?
how could I still be bleeding?

I broke the last one
from abuse
it'd been worn out
and badly used
and when I told her
of the news
it seemed that she
was not amused
I played it hard
I played it fast
I told her that
was in the past

but she told me
she didn't care
it wasn't like
she had a spare
humidity,
the cold,
the sun,
to her it didn't
sound like fun

I told her
that was all okay
I wouldn't leave her
in the rain
and I would
strum her every day

I'd take my pick
and lightly strum
just hard enough
to make her hum
never have I
broke a string
and I'm precise
in *******

I've rhythm
that would curl her toes
and I can play
with my eyes closed

I'd give her
just what she deserves
I'd worship
every inch of her
the lyrics
I would not forget
not just one song
but a whole set
I'd play until
I'm tired and sore
and then I'd play
a couple more

this battle has been won and I
appear to be just fine
but that's because you wouldn't care
to read between the lines



VIII

*20:55

I packed some books,
a change of clothes
got 10 bucks to my name
it's not much,
but it's all I have
and half of it's in change

without a destination, though
I'm sure I won't get far
but all I'll have to carry
is a bag and a guitar

my phone bill comes out in a week
I don't think I can pay
I guess I'll figure something out
I always find a way

pen and pad in my pocket
and I'm ******* on a switchblade
got horns and a halo
but I can't seem to behave

I know just what to say to you
so you'll think I'm a keeper
let me get a little closer,now
so I can cut you deeper

released as ash
into the air

the flames devoured
all we shared

I searched the wreckage
nothing there

it's just too much
our cross to bear

we grasp at hope
it's not too late

but all we seem to find
is hate

it seems that's all
the fire spared

guess that's all
that we still share

.
.


I lit a fire once
spent hours feeding it
fanning the flames,
stoking the embers
just so I could watch it burn
until I got bored
and decided
to watch it die

everything* we shared
has long since
been
destroyed

except for her
hatred of me

so
atleast that's
**something

.
.
.

I walk into a Sheetz and I notice
there are a lot of people
giving me some strange looks

what could they be looking at?
I wonder, my fly is zipped and everything
is there something on my face?

so I go into the bathroom
and look into the full-length mirror
they have for some reason

and I don't recognize the person
staring back at me
he's uglier than anyone I know

I leave out of there and headed home
in shock, basically
because I know that stranger was me

I have a ****** up eye,
a crooked smile
and acne, for some reason

my eyebrows look like
two of those furry-***
brown caterpillars

my skin is kinda blotchy
and I've got stretchmarks
where I used to have ****

seriously...full-blown man-****

I think I even
seen a few gray hairs
and I found a mole

on my best day,
with a haircut and a trim
I'm still a ******* mess




*VII A

.
.
.

clouds of smoke rising
as the day is burned to ash
taking hours with them

.
.
.



**I tried
to take the pill
but
it stuck
in the back
of my throat
and it tastes like
the lips
of a lover
I thoughtlessly
kissed
right after
they went to work
tasting every inch
of my love,

unfortunately

from day to day
I live my life
trying to avoid distractions
the modern world
and all it's noise
aren't to my satisfaction

I find no reason,
find no rhyme
in these advanced
and backward times
but I have found a time machine
it's in my yard
the trees

I hear
the whispers
of the stream
that runs
not far below my feet
far from the toxic,
*high-tech toys
that make that
high-pitched
buzzing noise

those LED lights
*flood my brain
magnetic fields can leave me drained
but plants
exude an energy
*that can recharge my batteries

these waves they ripple outward
from the hollow, open space
voice stricken with emotion
as the tears  creep down my face

man and machine in harmony
as I recite the lines
vibrations seem to dissipate
the flow of space and time

though it's not the same as usual
it's meaning isn't less
the tickle trickling down my cheek
was caused by **happiness

.
.

I was sitting in my room one evening
racking my brain for something, anything that might resemble a poem
when I realized that I wanted to go home
it had been so long since I felt at home
that I wasn't even sure
where home might be,
if it even exists
but I think maybe
I caught a glimpse
last time I held you in my arms

.

.

.

.

I'm going to do some traveling

but I won't get too far

I've got an ounce of madness, and

an Epiphone guitar


3 20s in my wallet, so

it won't be long, you see

and I feel like I need someone

to come along with me



so come with me into the waters

I need some company

we'll cast this heavy world aside

and float on apathy



so follow close, don't lose your step

I think I have a plan

we do this right and things

will never hurt the same again