Sometimes I sit and wonder why
I always feel like ****
but when the box says 4 teaspoons
I have to double it



*13:33

I tried to stay impersonal
but when I got inside
it was just too late for me
the feelings won't subside



*14:30

same thing every morning
I make coffee, clean up dog messes
feed critters, check traps
then maybe breakfast



*15:07

my eyes feel like
they're gonna bleed
and I can't get
enough to eat



11/17/16
*00:45

I agree and nod my head
I didn't hear a word you said
I'm tuned into the grinding gears
that cause that ringing in my ears



*11/17/16
00:31

...

and
I'm
still doing
the same 'ol
stupid teenager ****

38 days sober

and life is great

so I had a few beers

to celebrate

so then I had
dozen shots
and even smoked
a little ***

now I'm puking in a bucket
and life is great
I think I'll lie down now*
to celebrate

.
.
.

clouds of smoke rising
as the day is burned to ash
taking hours with them

.

it's like finding an exciting new disease
that you never knew
you couldn't live without

it becomes your spirituality
after a "spiritual experience"
affecting everything you do

you're on the path to destruction
and you chase things that leave you empty
like impossibilities

you spiral down, down
until you reach the bottom
and there's no one to break your fall

..

after being down for long enough
your anxieties are replaced with apathy
to where up and down look the same

and if you're very lucky, someone may come along and make a huge impact
somewhat restoring your will to live

gratitude turns to love, love to obsession
as they become more valuable to you
than anything else in your existence

...

determined to be enslaved no longer
you cast aside your old, toxic friends
in favor of healthier choices

with a sizeable chunk of your life missing
you are left with a hungry void
that must be filled with something

so you take up a hobby, or several
and feel some contentment, but it don't last
you're trading one addiction for another

....

your demons haven't gone, but
you find you can keep them contained
if you can keep yourself busy

they're too weak to fight, but they will still
try to trick you into submission
by manipulating your dreams

and even with all the will you can muster
you find that you are basically powerless
and your higher power is tired of your ****

...and it will always be a part of you

released as ash
into the air

the flames devoured
all we shared

I searched the wreckage
nothing there

it's just too much
our cross to bear

we grasp at hope
it's not too late

but all we seem to find
is hate

it seems that's all
the fire spared

guess that's all
that we still share

.
.
.



*she comes to me on a September's breeze
and dries up the August air
with shorter days and longer nights

she tempts me to sleep in, and stay in
with December mornings
and the occasional storm

then she gets me drunk on animal fats
and lures me out into the November rain
with red skies and talk of Indian summers

.
.
.

When I think of you,
I can't help but think about


your sleepy voice
telling me "good morning"

the way you took my dogs in
and spoiled them like your own

the way you calmed my fears
and beat my demons into submission

the way your skin always radiated
a warm, angelic glow

the way you fought for me
til you had nothing for yourself

the way you loved me so hard
you almost had me loving myself

the way you built me up so high
to knock me down later

but most importantly,
when I think of you
I can't help but think
of all those last chances you gave me

you were the best thing
that ever happened to me

.
.
.


I can't find a cleaner
strong enough to remove this

.
.
.


*my heart is breaking
because I know you're broken
but you won't break me

she said

"I really need to take a break,
I really need some time to think"

I told her*

"I completely understand"
"by all means, take your time"*
"but you may end up pretty tired
from running through my mind"

I broke the last one
from abuse
it'd been worn out
and badly used
and when I told her
of the news
it seemed that she
was not amused
I played it hard
I played it fast
I told her that
was in the past

but she told me
she didn't care
it wasn't like
she had a spare
humidity,
the cold,
the sun,
to her it didn't
sound like fun

I told her
that was all okay
I wouldn't leave her
in the rain
and I would
strum her every day

I'd take my pick
and lightly strum
just hard enough
to make her hum
never have I
broke a string
and I'm precise
in *******

I've rhythm
that would curl her toes
and I can play
with my eyes closed

I'd give her
just what she deserves
I'd worship
every inch of her
the lyrics
I would not forget
not just one song
but a whole set
I'd play until
I'm tired and sore
and then I'd play
a couple more

she came and saved me from myself
and when she dared to ask for help
I left her in the flames to burn
'cos I knew i'm no good for her



III

*16:07

I never seem to break a sweat
I'm always wearing sleeves
I always like to keep my house
at 82 degrees



VII

*13:25

I keep thinking
the way I've been thinking
so,
I keep feeling
the way I've been feeling

I keep feeling
the way I've been feeling
so,
I keep doing what I've been doing

I keep acting
the way I've been acting
so,
I keep getting
what I've been getting

most pay no mind to humble vines
that rise from the decay
to scale the spires, steal their lives
and cover them someday

and most find them a nuisance, true
but they don't see what they can do
they scale up high into the trees *
and live on after you or me

when progress leads to it's demise
both wood and stone choked by the vines
in sprawling cities, quiet towns
foundations will come crumbling  

down

without a fight, these humble vines
will rise from the decay
when progress gives way to demise
they'll take it back someday

I'll be there for you

...

when it works out for me

but,

I don't feel like

feeling

anymore

so

I'm gonna

take

a step back

and try

to just

"be"










I'm pretty sure

the universe

won't

miss me

too much

I'll be back

when I

feel more like

"adulting"

.

.

I'm

drawn to the smoke

like a moth

to the flame


and I can't control myself

I have to take it into my lungs

until I'm lighter

than a fine piece of cloth


you see, things are just better

if you look at them from the right angle


and it helps to get a good bit

of "**** it" in my system

to deal with life's tangles


**X

today brought disappointment
I also think it's strange
that everybody wants a clown
instead of actual change



*16:37

went to the dentist, faced my fears
extractions left me shedding tears
but much to even my surprise
they only flowed from my right eye

I'm wired kinda strange,
you see
I think
there's something wrong with me
some things that most don't like to feel
can really give me quite a thrill

you can punch me in the face
'til blood is all that I can taste
you can scratch me,
brand me,
bite me
but all that **** will just excite me

after the dentist stitched me up
and wiped blood from my cheeks
I asked her when I could return
and she told me 2 weeks

I'm terrified, but I can't wait
to me it was the perfect date
I can't explain the reason why
but that **** makes me feel alive

I'm wired kinda strange you know
those pliers had me set to blow
I bet I am the only one
who thinks that kinds **** is fun

that day my worries were erased
and I could barely feel my face
and I could swear I fell in love
*or was it just the loss of blood?

shades of green turn to rust
as the pulse of life relaxes
and the days get shorter

finally, some relief from the sticky air
the weather is just right
for a few hours of a few days of the week

chilly mornings, cold rains
and a bountiful harvest
that stains my lungs black and sticky

as colors slowly slip away
the warmth that fully filled my lungs
is being replaced with shallow, icy breaths

**I

Icy hands of December
strangle Augusts' warm breeze
as signs of its passing
are shown in the trees



I

*14:27

.

.

things that

slither,


things that

fly ,


and hieghts

are pretty bad,

but


friends,

family,

fans,

acquaintances,

enemies

just simply forgetting

my existence

is by far

my worst fear

*****

.
.


I lit a fire once
spent hours feeding it
fanning the flames,
stoking the embers
just so I could watch it burn
until I got bored
and decided
to watch it die

.
.


I started adding sugar and creamer
to my coffee

and adding extra butter
to the mashed potatoes

but,

I refuse to keep adding salt
to make this
palatable

**VIII F

.

.

.

.

I'm going to do some traveling

but I won't get too far

I've got an ounce of madness, and

an Epiphone guitar


3 20s in my wallet, so

it won't be long, you see

and I feel like I need someone

to come along with me



so come with me into the waters

I need some company

we'll cast this heavy world aside

and float on apathy



so follow close, don't lose your step

I think I have a plan

we do this right and things

will never hurt the same again

.

Before I met you
I thought love was just a lie
and forever was an impossibility

but then I could visualize it

holidays,
vacations
and lazy afternoons

with you at my side

and when I looked at us
I seen something that was unstoppable
like a force of nature

two minds,
two bodies
but the will of a single entity

we could solve the world's problems

but I can't trust you
for the same reason
that you can't trust me

everybody has needs

when I see your lips
I have to think of all the other
lips they've kissed

and I don't share

all the grimy sets of hands
that have explored your regions
and desecrated your sacred ground

on my ******* time

and every single inch
of love you allowed
to enter you

and i'm disgusted

but not because you have given me
any reason to suspect, but because
I know what people are capable of

**I've seen it from both sides

.
.
.



*can we just
find true love,
or is it
constructed?

I'm staring daggers
bleeding inside

&

I'm torn and tattered
dead inside

behind this smile
broken teeth

I'm

still losing weight
still losing sleep

silently crying
out for help

I

make everything
about myself

you'll never know
how much I need you

because

all I show
is I don't see you

*but I see more
than you might think

I dropped the ******
I quit the drink

I'm never right
I'm never wrong

you'll see the light
before too long

but I'll be gone
before that comes

to all that's wrong
I will succumb

I beg my friends
don't come around

please don't jump in
just let me drown

but no one cares
so why should you?

I'm going down
so you won't, too

well

...

I was pickin a diddly
on my gittinfiddle
the other day

'cos, well...
I'm a gittinfiddler

and as soon as I gripped
my fiddler
and picked,
just hard enough
to tickle the diddly-hole
a little bit
all of the sudden
it
let out
the single most
gittinfiddlediddliest
sound
that had ever
violated
my tender
juicy
ear holes


**** was crazy

anyways,
I didn't miss a stroke
as I fiddled out
the remainder
of that diddly
on my gittinfiddle
with my fiddlediddler
right in the sweet spot
...

just far enough
from the diddly-hole

and the result*
was
******'
gittinfiddlediddlilicious

I packed some books,
a change of clothes
got 10 bucks to my name
it's not much,
but it's all I have
and half of it's in change

without a destination, though
I'm sure I won't get far
but all I'll have to carry
is a bag and a guitar

my phone bill comes out in a week
I don't think I can pay
I guess I'll figure something out
I always find a way

I thought that I was finally strong enough
to make it without you, but I'm afraid
I've fallen back into that same hole
that you pulled me out of and

I need you

just like I always did
when I felt myself
losing control

where have you gone?

I searched
the familiar places
but I can't find a sign of you anywhere

why did you leave me?

you knew I couldn't make it on my own
just like when I left all those times
I knew you needed me

it was

until I made the

mistake
of telling

*you

cold,

hard and damp

imprisoning all that it surrounds

turning it dull

.

that space in-between

darkness and light

that's not always

so easy to define

have you ever caught a glimpse of something that you can't describe
that makes you feel like you belong
and makes you feel alive?

but you can only get so close
no matter how you try
and lust for what you'll never have
it just tears you up inside

so off you go, in search of things
that might make you forget
but everything you find will
only lead to more regret

She told me she don't want me,
yet she was willing
to drive*
seven hours
*from Pennsylvania
to take my dogs

.

.

.

.

.

.

it's 4th period

the warning bell rings

and I'm still in my locker

not knowing which books I need

or where I need to be in 1 minute

but I wouldn't dare ask anyone


a figure approaches

it's black,

formless,

and it floats down the hall

towards me


a vague sense of impending doom

floods my senses

and I'm unable to move

as the figure floats up to me

and my eyes catch the glint of steel


I'm bleeding out, now

holding my guts in my chest

as I call out for help

to the hundreds of other students

but I can't make a sound


my lips move,

but there's nothing coming out

and the color is fading

from my surroundings


the light, too is slowly fading

and I collapse to the floor

as the hundreds of students walk past me

completely oblivious

..and then I wake


**VI

anesthesia
and opioid dreams

rolled-up smokes
and guitar strings*

with rotting mind
and rotting teeth

I'm losing weight
I'm losing sleep

cut me open
sew me up

the pain I feel
is not enough

give me something
more to feel

try to persuade me
this is real

I've spent so much
time on my own

that I'm afraid
it's left me cold

I'm a monster
so I'm told

my loyalties are
bought and sold

look in the mirror
I'm repulsed

I check my wrist
can't find a pulse

this corpse I wear
is just a shell

that keeps me locked
inside this hell

with runny nose
and bloodshot eyes

I sit alone
and wait to die

but it seems death
will never come

*or have I already
succumbed?

today started off
with a little variety
left my house sleep-deprived
for my group for anxiety

and I look forward to it
that group feels like home
guess I need a reminder
that I'm not alone

and I came out replenished
ready for the day
I feel I can face life
*a whole different way

.
.

I was sitting in my room one evening
racking my brain for something, anything that might resemble a poem
when I realized that I wanted to go home
it had been so long since I felt at home
that I wasn't even sure
where home might be,
if it even exists
but I think maybe
I caught a glimpse
last time I held you in my arms

I'm a human radio
my body is a metronome
to wood and wires I am linked
I am one with this machine

my only expense is I can't see
if I'm learning or it's learning me
and I sound better by myself
than when I play
*for someone else