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Colten Sorrells Jun 2016
Doc, I really need some help
it seems I can't control myself
I am my own worst enemy
because I act impulsively

I love a girl from another time
I don't fit in, so that's just fine
I find myself perpetually vexed
by this world overrun with ***

In 14 months, I've hurt her so
why she still stays, i'll never know
I think I really need some help
without her, I'd destroy myself

when I'm down, I'm inconsistent
my energy is nonexistent
within about a day or two
my life completely comes unglued

but when I'm up, it's much the same
I treat life like it's just a game
I can't sit still, I hardly rest
most all I think about is ***

I've got no ******* self-esteem
feel everyone is mocking me
I need some help, bit I can't ask
and I can't handle simple tasks

please, Doc, I really need some help
before I can destroy myself
I know that it's not good for me
but I can't break the cycle, see?

the drink,
the drugs,
the pain,
the ******,
I just can't take it anymore
Upon my second evaluation yesterday, I was diagnosed as Bi-Polar and given some potentially dangerous antipsychotic drugs, which I don't care to name, and I'm almost too **** scared to take, but at the same time, I really hope they work. I don't want to be a "zombie" but at the same time, anything is better than my current situation
Colten Sorrells Oct 2016
.

On a hot August day
I was struck with the blues
'cos I had nowhere to go
and not a thing to do

but  when it came the time for me
to check the mail again
I came across a package there
that really made me grin

it was a big and heavy box
with lots of books inside
and a little shiny thing
that almost made me cry

It's kinda like a dogtag
but has a different shape
but holding on to it can bring
a big smile to my face

It's just a little guitar pick
that's made of stainless steel
but I just can't explain the way
that it can make me feel

now when I'm feeling worthless
a burden none should bear
I have something to show me that
there was a time you cared

the words "I pick you" on the side
from when I had your favor
the taste is something bittersweet
that I can't help but savor
Colten Sorrells Apr 2016
well, we had a good run
but,
I guess
that's all over
now


but that's  okay


I still have
Mrs. Buttersworth
and
Aunt Jemima
around
*to brighten up my day
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
.
.

I was sitting in my room one evening
racking my brain for something, anything that might resemble a poem
when I realized that I wanted to go home
it had been so long since I felt at home
that I wasn't even sure
where home might be,
if it even exists
but I think maybe
I caught a glimpse
last time I held you in my arms
I'm homesick for a place that i'm not even entirely sure exists, but if it does, then I got some traveling to do
Colten Sorrells May 2016
with one foot on yesterday and the other on tomorrow I'm ******* all over the day
Line-poem
Colten Sorrells Oct 2016
I found
it hard
it's hard
I found
no reason
found
no rhyme
I guess
I like
the way
it tastes
when you
throw it all
in my face
I'm not a monster
nor a man
I'm not sure what
to think I am
I'm not the same
as you, you see
there's nothing human
left of me
I hardly talk,
I hardly feel
sometimes I question
what is real
can't leave the house,
I have no friends
is this the way
my story ends?
I'm tired as hell
about to quit
I'm sure no one
would give a ****
what kind of ******* life is this?
I'm not alive, I just exist
001
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
001
Sometimes I sit and wonder why
I always feel like ****
but when the box says 4 teaspoons
I have to double it



*13:33
more butter, more better
002
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
002
I tried to stay impersonal
but when I got inside
it was just too late for me
the feelings won't subside



*14:30
I try to move on but I can't get you out of my head
003
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
003
same thing every morning
I make coffee, clean up dog messes
feed critters, check traps
then maybe breakfast



*15:07
I always serve others before I take out the time to serve myself, yet a lot of folks seem to like to call me selfish
004
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
004
my eyes feel like
they're gonna bleed
and I can't get
enough to eat



11/17/16
*00:45
things have been a bit fuzzy
005
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
005
I agree and nod my head
I didn't hear a word you said
I'm tuned into the grinding gears
that cause that ringing in my ears



*11/17/16
00:31
I feel like maybe something in there is about to break, if it hasn't already
006
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
006
Sometimes I sit and wonder why
no matter what I do
I'll be the thing I most despise
I'll end up just like you
My father was always the perfect example of what NOT to do when I was growing  up.
25
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
25
...

and
I'm
still doing
the same 'ol
stupid teenager ****
I'm older, but sometimes I wonder if I've really grown
Colten Sorrells Apr 2016
38 days sober

and life is great

so I had a few beers

to celebrate

so then I had
dozen shots
and even smoked
a little ***

now I'm puking in a bucket
and life is great
I think I'll lie down now*
to celebrate
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
.
.
.

clouds of smoke rising
as the day is burned to ash
taking hours with them
Colten Sorrells Oct 2016
.

it's like finding an exciting new disease
that you never knew
you couldn't live without


it becomes your spirituality
after a "spiritual experience"
affecting everything you do

you're on the path to destruction
and you chase things that leave you empty
like impossibilities

you spiral down, down
until you reach the bottom
and there's no one to break your fall

..

after being down for long enough
your anxieties are replaced with apathy
to where up and down look the same

and if you're very lucky, someone may come along and make a huge impact
somewhat restoring your will to live

gratitude turns to love, love to obsession
as they become more valuable to you
than anything else in your existence

...

determined to be enslaved no longer
you cast aside your old, toxic friends
in favor of healthier choices

with a sizeable chunk of your life missing
you are left with a hungry void
that must be filled with something

so you take up a hobby, or several
and feel some contentment, but it don't last
you're trading one addiction for another

....

your demons haven't gone, but
you find you can keep them contained
if you can keep yourself busy

they're too weak to fight, but they will still
try to trick you into submission
by manipulating your dreams

and even with all the will you can muster
you find that you are basically powerless
and your higher power is tired of your ****

...and it will always be a part of you
Colten Sorrells May 2016
my life packed in my guitar case
I left without a plan
I tire of being life's punching bag
I'm running out of sand

I'm tired of trying to please them all
it all just makes me sick
but when I try to stand my ground
I'm taken for a *****

since I found my serenity
they try to walk all over me
emerging from a life of sin
they all forgot just where I've been

I've really had about enough
they think I won't still **** them up
I'm wiser than I used to be
but there is still a beast in me

deep down I'm still the kinda guy
that you don't want to test
those same old demons still reside
right now they're just at rest

I've found a source of courage, too
that don't mean I'm not scared
I'm standing at the gates of hell
this time I came prepared

I still walk down the darkened path
but now I'm not alone
I've God and Satan by my side
wherever I may roam
From ~4/1/16~
Colten Sorrells Jun 2016
released as ash
into the air

the flames devoured
all we shared

I searched the wreckage
nothing there

it's just too much
our cross to bear

we grasp at hope
it's not too late

but all we seem to find
is hate

it seems that's all
the fire spared

guess that's all
that we still share
Colten Sorrells Oct 2016
.
.
.



*she comes to me on a September's breeze
and dries up the August air
with shorter days and longer nights

she tempts me to sleep in, and stay in
with December mornings
and the occasional storm

then she gets me drunk on animal fats
and lures me out into the November rain
with red skies and talk of Indian summers
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
.
.
.

When I think of you,
I can't help but think about


your sleepy voice
telling me "good morning"

the way you took my dogs in
and spoiled them like your own

the way you calmed my fears
and beat my demons into submission

the way your skin always radiated
a warm, angelic glow

the way you fought for me
til you had nothing for yourself

the way you loved me so hard
you almost had me loving myself

the way you built me up so high
to knock me down later

but most importantly,
when I think of you
I can't help but think
of all those last chances you gave me

you were the best thing
that ever happened to me
and thinking about you is killing me, but I know that you would make me regret contacting you. But I want to hear your voice more than anything
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
.
.
.


I can't find a cleaner
strong enough to remove this
the stains you left on my heart
Colten Sorrells Apr 2016
she said

"I really need to take a break,
I really need some time to think"

I told her*

"I completely understand"
"by all means, take your time"*
"but you may end up pretty tired
from running through my mind"
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
.
.
.


*my heart is breaking
because I know you're broken
but you won't break me
Colten Sorrells Apr 2016
I broke the last one
from abuse
it'd been worn out
and badly used
and when I told her
of the news
it seemed that she
was not amused
I played it hard
I played it fast
I told her that
was in the past

but she told me
she didn't care
it wasn't like
she had a spare
humidity,
the cold,
the sun,
to her it didn't
sound like fun

I told her
that was all okay
I wouldn't leave her
in the rain
and I would
strum her every day

I'd take my pick
and lightly strum
just hard enough
to make her hum
never have I
broke a string
and I'm precise
in *******

I've rhythm
that would curl her toes
and I can play
with my eyes closed

I'd give her
just what she deserves
I'd worship
every inch of her
the lyrics
I would not forget
not just one song
but a whole set
I'd play until
I'm tired and sore
and then I'd play
a couple more
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
she came and saved me from myself
and when she dared to ask for help
I left her in the flames to burn
'cos I knew i'm no good for her



III

*16:07
You're the best person I'll ever know
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
I never seem to break a sweat
I'm always wearing sleeves
I always like to keep my house
at 82 degrees



VII

*13:25
Could it be because my heart has gone cold?  Or am I just cold-blooded?
Colten Sorrells May 2016
I keep thinking
the way I've been thinking
so,
I keep feeling
the way I've been feeling

I keep feeling
the way I've been feeling
so,
I keep doing what I've been doing

I keep acting
the way I've been acting
so,
I keep getting
what I've been getting
And I'm just not sure I can break this destructive cycle
Colten Sorrells May 2016
most pay no mind to humble vines
that rise from the decay
to scale the spires, steal their lives
and cover them someday

and most find them a nuisance, true
but they don't see what they can do
they scale up high into the trees *
and live on after you or me

when progress leads to it's demise
both wood and stone choked by the vines
in sprawling cities, quiet towns
foundations will come crumbling  

down

without a fight, these humble vines
will rise from the decay
when progress gives way to demise
they'll take it back someday
Repost...one of the first poems I posted here and wrote with my muse
Colten Sorrells Oct 2016
I'll be there for you

...

when it works out for me

but,

I don't feel like

feeling

anymore

so

I'm gonna

take

a step back

and try

to just

"be"










I'm pretty sure

the universe

won't

miss me

too much

I'll be back

when I

feel more like

"adulting"
Colten Sorrells Oct 2016
.

.

I'm

drawn to the smoke

like a moth

to the flame


and I can't control myself

I have to take it into my lungs

until I'm lighter

than a fine piece of cloth


you see, things are just better

if you look at them from the right angle


and it helps to get a good bit

of "**** it" in my system

to deal with life's tangles


**X
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
today brought disappointment
I also think it's strange
that everybody wants a clown
instead of actual change



*16:37
...but at the same time im pro-life, and Hillary is a ******* crook, so I have mixed feelings.
Colten Sorrells May 2016
went to the dentist, faced my fears
extractions left me shedding tears
but much to even my surprise
they only flowed from my right eye

I'm wired kinda strange,
you see
I think
there's something wrong with me
some things that most don't like to feel
can really give me quite a thrill

you can punch me in the face
'til blood is all that I can taste
you can scratch me,
brand me,
bite me
but all that **** will just excite me

after the dentist stitched me up
and wiped blood from my cheeks
I asked her when I could return
and she told me 2 weeks

I'm terrified, but I can't wait
to me it was the perfect date
I can't explain the reason why
but that **** makes me feel alive

I'm wired kinda strange you know
those pliers had me set to blow
I bet I am the only one
who thinks that kinds **** is fun

that day my worries were erased
and I could barely feel my face
and I could swear I fell in love
*or was it just the loss of blood?
Colten Sorrells Oct 2016
shades of green turn to rust
as the pulse of life relaxes
and the days get shorter

finally, some relief from the sticky air
the weather is just right
for a few hours of a few days of the week

chilly mornings, cold rains
and a bountiful harvest
that stains my lungs black and sticky

as colors slowly slip away
the warmth that fully filled my lungs
is being replaced with shallow, icy breaths

**I
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
Icy hands of December
strangle Augusts' warm breeze
as signs of its passing
are shown in the trees



I

*14:27
Colten Sorrells Oct 2016
.

.

things that

slither,


things that

fly ,


and hieghts

are pretty bad,

but


friends,

family,

fans,

acquaintances,

enemies

just simply forgetting

my existence

is by far

my worst fear

*****
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
.
.


I lit a fire once
spent hours feeding it
fanning the flames,
stoking the embers
just so I could watch it burn
until I got bored
and decided
to watch it die
she gave me warmth, comfort, and love and in the end, I didn't even give her enough to keep going
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
.
.


I started adding sugar and creamer
to my coffee

and adding extra butter
to the mashed potatoes

but,

I refuse to keep adding salt
to make this
palatable

**VIII F
I try to fix things, make things better but sometimes it seems like everything is destined to keep getting worse
Colten Sorrells Oct 2016
.

.

.

.

I'm going to do some traveling

but I won't get too far

I've got an ounce of madness, and

an Epiphone guitar


3 20s in my wallet, so

it won't be long, you see

and I feel like I need someone

to come along with me



so come with me into the waters

I need some company

we'll cast this heavy world aside

and float on apathy



so follow close, don't lose your step

I think I have a plan

we do this right and things

will never hurt the same again
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
.

Before I met you
I thought love was just a lie
and forever was an impossibility

but then I could visualize it

holidays,
vacations
and lazy afternoons

with you at my side

and when I looked at us
I seen something that was unstoppable
like a force of nature

two minds,
two bodies
but the will of a single entity

we could solve the world's problems

but I can't trust you
for the same reason
that you can't trust me

everybody has needs

when I see your lips
I have to think of all the other
lips they've kissed

and I don't share

all the grimy sets of hands
that have explored your regions
and desecrated your sacred ground

on my ******* time

and every single inch
of love you allowed
to enter you

and i'm disgusted

but not because you have given me
any reason to suspect, but because
I know what people are capable of

**I've seen it from both sides
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
.
.
.



*can we just
find true love,
or is it
constructed?
I found it in you
Colten Sorrells Jun 2016
I'm staring daggers
bleeding inside

&

I'm torn and tattered
dead inside

behind this smile
broken teeth

I'm

still losing weight
still losing sleep

silently crying
out for help

I

make everything
about myself

you'll never know
how much I need you

because

all I show
is I don't see you


*but I see more
than you might think

I dropped the ******
I quit the drink

I'm never right
I'm never wrong

you'll see the light
before too long

but I'll be gone
before that comes

to all that's wrong
I will succumb

I beg my friends
don't come around

please don't jump in
just let me drown

but no one cares
so why should you?

I'm going down
so you won't, too
...So I guess this is goodbye
Colten Sorrells May 2016
well

...

I was pickin a diddly
on my gittinfiddle
the other day

'cos, well...
I'm a gittinfiddler

and as soon as I gripped
my fiddler
and picked,
just hard enough
to tickle the diddly-hole
a little bit
all of the sudden
it
let out
the single most
gittinfiddlediddliest
sound
that had ever
violated
my tender
juicy
ear holes


**** was crazy

anyways,
I didn't miss a stroke
as I fiddled out
the remainder
of that diddly
on my gittinfiddle
with my fiddlediddler
right in the sweet spot
...

just far enough
from the diddly-hole

and the result*
was
******'
gittinfiddlediddlilicious
Colten Sorrells May 2016
I packed some books,
a change of clothes
got 10 bucks to my name
it's not much,
but it's all I have
and half of it's in change

without a destination, though
I'm sure I won't get far
but all I'll have to carry
is a bag and a guitar

my phone bill comes out in a week
I don't think I can pay
I guess I'll figure something out
I always find a way
All I really know right now is that I can't stay here
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
I thought that I was finally strong enough
to make it without you, but I'm afraid
I've fallen back into that same hole
that you pulled me out of and

I need you

just like I always did
when I felt myself
losing control

where have you gone?

I searched
the familiar places
but I can't find a sign of you anywhere

why did you leave me?

you knew I couldn't make it on my own
just like when I left all those times
I knew you needed me
I guess what I'm really trying to say is,  I miss us
Colten Sorrells Apr 2016
it was

until I made the

mistake
of telling

*you
(10w)
Colten Sorrells Oct 2016
cold,

hard and damp

imprisoning all that it surrounds

turning it dull

.

that space in-between

darkness and light

that's not always

so easy to define
Colten Sorrells Oct 2016
have you ever caught a glimpse of something that you can't describe
that makes you feel like you belong
and makes you feel alive?

but you can only get so close
no matter how you try
and lust for what you'll never have
it just tears you up inside

so off you go, in search of things
that might make you forget
but everything you find will
only lead to more regret
Colten Sorrells Jul 2016
She told me she don't want me,
yet she was willing
to drive*
seven hours
*from Pennsylvania
to take my dogs
Colten Sorrells Oct 2016
.

.

.

.

.

.

it's 4th period

the warning bell rings

and I'm still in my locker

not knowing which books I need

or where I need to be in 1 minute

but I wouldn't dare ask anyone


a figure approaches

it's black,

formless,

and it floats down the hall

towards me


a vague sense of impending doom

floods my senses

and I'm unable to move

as the figure floats up to me

and my eyes catch the glint of steel


I'm bleeding out, now

holding my guts in my chest

as I call out for help

to the hundreds of other students

but I can't make a sound


my lips move,

but there's nothing coming out

and the color is fading

from my surroundings


the light, too is slowly fading

and I collapse to the floor

as the hundreds of students walk past me

completely oblivious


..and then I wake


**VI
Based on a disturbing dream I had all through high school, and then a few years later
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
I never knew the love I'd found
until the day you weren't around
but maybe there is still a way
for us to meet again someday



VI

*12:01
I can finally put into words just how much you mean to me, but now there's no way you'll ever hear them. I 'll always ove you
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