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Aug 18 · 43
Cjf Aug 18
The wind shifted from cold to warm
The sun doesn’t hide behind her clouds anymore
The flowers, they’re blooming
baby, you would’ve loved the way springs forming.

I wish I still had you. I wish your love still filled my heart.
I know you don’t realize but that love we shared was enough to fix me or tear me apart.
I begged heaven to let you stay, crying and screaming, dry heaving, tears streaming, they still couldn’t find what made you stop breathing
You were gone and I couldn’t save you from leaving

I was your home
We never picked out a welcome mat, but that didn’t stop you from walking inside and kicking up your feet
You made sure I wasn’t alone
Always reminding me that for 9 months you weren’t going to deplete

They said “It’s not your fault”
“You didn’t do anything wrong”
“Don’t blame yourself”
“You did what you were supposed to”

But I was your home

You grew inside of me, nurtured and fed
Hiccuped and kicked for hours on end
I loved you and I failed you
Baby.. I didn’t get to say it, but I’m sorry too

You were supposed to be safe and I couldn’t protect you
Maybe I wasn’t aware enough
But the skies, baby, they still feel icy blue
And is the world going to keep moving on without us or what?

I’m forever and always yours
You molded your heart into mine
Winters daughter and springs girl
no matter what angel baby, until the end of time.
I love you forever. You were first.
Nov 2022 · 333
He fell too
Cjf Nov 2022
Still left somewhere in last week at the bar in between drinks
When you so casually claimed
“you know I love you”
somewhere between my heart stopping and feeling like it got plunged with a needle full of adrenaline
“you know I don’t ever wanna make you mad I just wanna make you laugh”
my smile felt somewhere between triumphant and pride
ecstatic and overwhelmed
It’s like the smoke cleared out and centered around you
why are you all I see?
how are you all that I see still?
I told you once that you have a power over me and to this day it’s still true.
I can deny it until I’m blue in the face and I have no more air in my lungs- but it’s true
But….. you love me.

I got you
I actually won this prize
I can’t get out of this haze I’ve been in and I can’t stop seeing the way your hands were moving when you told me.
your shy smile. your earnestness in your eyes.
I’ve never fought to be so relevant in someone’s life the way I fight for a spot in yours, the claws that come out when that spot is threatened feel so sharp and steadfast
Like they’d take on any and everything to be near you
And you love me.

It’s a relief and terrifying at one time. cause you can confess a love that makes flowers bloom in my chest but proclaim that love isn’t real in the next breath, so what is it that you’re trying to say? That the love you feel for me isn’t as cemented as mine feels for you? I’ve stifled my love for you, I’ve proclaimed it to you, I’ve held it steady for you, and in my heart it’s only you that holds this love and I’m not scared to give it to you, but the love you’re handing me… I’m petrified and proud to be responsible for it. It’s a heady thing, your love. I don’t want to hurt you.
Who’s in control now
Nov 2022 · 60
Cjf Nov 2022
you tossed me a life jacket when I was drowning
you breathed life back into me
In reality you had no idea I was dying
Monotony was oppressing me
Then you came and turned everything upside down

Suddenly I craved being around your energy
there was laughter and smiles
there was butterflies that I tried killing with alcohol
But even the alcohol couldn't burn out the flutters I felt around you

You held me close so many nights and I needed it but I fought it until you fell asleep and I could move away
He did that to me.
But I'd wake up wrapped back around you just the same
You did that to me

God didn't have a fighting chance against me falling for you
There was no divine intervention to save me from that trip
No way to stop you from turning that small corner in my heart into a bigger space for you and only you

And my god
I worship the work you did on me
this confidence
it's all you
this smile
this backbone is built out of the armor I took from you
I worship you
My personal god
Saved notes I never posted
Jun 2021 · 88
Cjf Jun 2021
you are a the hit of nicotine that I keep saying I'm going to quit but crave until I feel the smoke hit my lungs. you're so bad for me but still so good because when I imagine you moving on and sharing your arms and humor with someone else, I see red. When I imagine you becoming a husband I feel my own heart break. why? I know I have the power to create something out of us, but when I'm with HIM all I do is keep my eyes on him and just want his attention on me. When he talks I love that his inner thoughts are for me and his jokes are mine. When he talks to another female I get possessive and imagining him out of my life is unthinkable. I can't picture a life without him being my best friend. His love has always consumed me, but YOU breathed a different feeling in me that has turned me from a puppet for his love to someone who isn't afraid to challenge him and for that I don't know wether to praise you and stay or thank you and leave.
Or scream I told you so
Jun 2021 · 89
Cjf Jun 2021
"I like you too much"
"I think it's more than that"
"I do. I think you more than like me"
"I don't"
"I think so"
"..You have too much control over me"
"I know"
Drunk conversations at 3 in the morning
Jun 2021 · 70
body music
Cjf Jun 2021
"Leave me" he said
While his fingers played music to the instrument that was my body.
"Leave me" he demanded while I steadily grew louder against his pressure
"Leave me" he plead while my body writhed underneath his touch
"Leave me" he said while I touched the stars while simultaneously being on earth
"I can't" I confessed breathlessly, sadly.
"There's no one like you. No one can be you. You're all I see"

"Don't leave me. Ever"
He's not you
Apr 2021 · 83
Cjf Apr 2021
And I know
You'll hurt me
My thief
You see my heart in my eyes when I look at you
That's why I avoid your stare
You hear words I won't say out loud through my body
And you mold me into you frequently
I try and fight against the current that is you
But I'm under the water and drowning
And you're all of the ocean
All I can feel
All I can see
All around me in every direction
No matter which way I turn
You're there
Get out of my mind
But like the ocean, you can be so serene and breathtaking. You move without apology or reason. You're as mesmerizing as you are dangerous. But haven't I always wanted to dip my feet into the sea?
And when the oceans done
And I'm washed on the shore
Cold and alone
I can say
I knew it
I knew you'd hurt me
i hate that I was right
Apr 2020 · 196
Dear Ezra
Cjf Apr 2020
Hey ez. Just wanted to say, you would be 5 months now. Almost to 6 baby girl. Cousin Ellie just got to 7. Shaydens at 1. Liliana is at 8. You would’ve been right in between. Just perfectly spoiled rotten with love. We miss you. I do. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I don’t think of you often. But thinking of the could’ve and would’ve beens leaves an ache inside that hurts too much. I guess I’ve associated you with so much pain that I think of you when I’m feeling low. I’m happy for the most part. You know? Like.. things feel okay. I held shayden the other day remember? I dreamt of you that night and felt like I was holding you and I felt like that was a push from you to tell me that it was okay for my arms to hold a baby even if it’s not you. It’s just hard for me tho. To have to be awkward and laughed at and watched over as I hold a newborn when I should’ve been used to it by now. I should’ve been the one to be able to tell the best way to angle the head and even know how to burp them. I know others don’t mean to be insensitive it’s not their fault.. I’m the one who always shows them how strong I am and that im not still healing. Thanks to you. I don’t know some times wether to thank you or not because if you were here I wouldn’t have had to find out what I’m capable of. If you were here I wouldn’t have had to find out what being strong means. You showed me the purest love in the most simplistic way and I wish there was a way I could feel that again. Maybe the hurt inside me when I think of you is that love still just not so pure anymore since it’s marred with losing you. I know it’s bad that I don’t talk about you. But baby, it’s only been 5 months. How does anyone expect me to just be okay with it now? 5 months of you being alive would be you still being brand new. 5 months of you being dead means that I’m still holding on. 5 months of me trying to go back to normalcy. Staying with friends, going for drinks, laughing and making jokes. Some of it feels more fake than others. I don’t think you realize how much happier I would be with you here. I sometimes get a thought in my head that is terrible, but that I think is my way of coping because it isn’t how I really feel. You know? That maybe I wasn’t ready for you. Maybe I was too ill prepared. I mean come on look at us. I can barely make it by and there’s just two adults. No car. No home. No baby. And we’re still struggling. So sometimes I think, yes maybe it is better for you.. that way you won’t ever have to know how much this world really is just a climbing ladder and a lot of the times we’re at the bottom. Maybe sometimes it would be easier if you were here, maybe you would be motivation. Something to get us out of our hole we’re in. Or that I’m in.
I don’t know what’s right anymore. I wish you were here so I could just talk your little head off again. I miss those morning drives of just telling you what I had in store for us. Of complaining about nonsense and always losing track of what I was saying but actually feeling listened to for once. You made me feel so much peace just by talking to you. I don’t have anyone to talk to anymore. Everyone has their own problems and me adding to theirs when my problems are easily fixable seems pointless. Idk. I just miss you. I’m sorry that I’m a bad mom. I didn’t deserve you but I thank you so much that you gave me you.
This is more of a letter than a poem. But I guess poetry is what we make it. Side note: It’s now been a year since we’ve lost her, these were just words I wrote to help the process.
Jan 2020 · 203
Somewhere over the rainbow
Cjf Jan 2020
I’m forming a shell around my heart that shouldn’t be there with her. I’m so scared of loving her fully because I don’t want to be broken again.. I won’t survive it Ezra, I really wont. But she doesn’t deserve this half love I’m giving. I’m trying so hard to love her the same, to feel that excitement that I felt with you, to feel that eager nervousness. I can’t. I feel apprehensive. This life after you isn’t the same sunflower seeds you left planted in my heart.   They wilted and nothing is left but the dried leaves and the
Echoes throughout my abused heart
But who says weeds can’t beautiful too??
I love her too
May 26th 2020
Cjf Mar 2019
“They won’t make you super happy, they won’t immediately take the sadness away, but they will help”
I’m growing up and getting help for my sad ***
Mar 2019 · 181
We named her Ezra
Cjf Mar 2019
“Writing is your escape. You should do that to help you heal” she told me.
But every time my ink meets the paper, the words dry inside my brain.
How can I explain how I feel to paper when I can’t even explain it to myself?
How do I describe the indescribable hurt that courses through my being more than my own blood?
Do I write about how I eat just to keep my family happy more than I do for my own survival?
Do I write about how I’m on a ongoing fight with my demons and every day I wanna lose?
Do I write about how lonely it is?
Do I write about how every day I’m scared to think of the future because the future is where she is supposed to be?
Yes, because if she was here, you would dream of your future still.
Yes, because for 9 months she was your partner in your belly and it is lonely without her.
Yes, because every fight you win against your demons is another tally mark for your angel baby to add up.
Yes, because even though your avoiding foods that remind you of your cravings with her, at least you’re trying to survive still.
And even though sadness is doing laps in your system, don’t forget she helped To make you happier than you would have ever thought possible.
So write.
Ezra Rollin Williams is my forever baby and my strength when I’m feeling weak. Rest beautifully baby girl.
Jul 2018 · 330
Recycling bin
Cjf Jul 2018
The vision is so pure and so raw and so filled with need  
My stomach swollen with a love that being full isn't satisfactory, it's greed
It's a feeling of wanting more and more and not having enough of the fill that has your name
That makes me synonymous to greed; one and the same.
The feeling that accepts you as you
And expects nothing but truth
A feeling of jealousy so knee deep
It's hard to throw away & easier to keep
Cjf Jul 2018
The harder I fall the more I fall away
It's self preservation at its finest
But why do I want to fall from the one who loves me?
We're at a cliff and I'm hanging on with one hand
and he's at the top begging me to not let go
It's temptation it's fear
It's a lifetime of leaving before I'm left
It's a lifetime of leaving blame on everyone else
It's a lifetime of loving so hard my heart can't handle it
But he assures me he can shoulder the weight of my burdens
My past, my present, and future
It's trust he's trying to hand me and that my hand can't reach for because it wants to let go
And go and go and fall and drop
It wants to reach out for him and pull him closer to me and with me.
I want him on top and on bottom and I want him near and away
But my body betrays me and the magnetic force is always trying to turn the opposite direction so we can't click together
I don't know why I am the way I am and I don't want to be me sometimes
Jul 2018 · 204
November 17th
Cjf Jul 2018
The feeling of November
Cold harsh nights of secrets and confessions
Of stories untold but with each other's ears we talked until they bled and I remember that feeling of peace I hadn't felt since May 2016
and who knew you were the perfect recipe?
I look back at my past with a sense of regret but hearing you tell me of your chapters of the book that is still being written made me review my life in the eyes of another and I look at it as a novelty.
You held my hand as we dissected the who's and the why's of our lives and we laughed
in the darkness of your room on your air mattress and we was more than melting into each other in the night, even before I knew I loved you, we were
kinetic, energetic, magnetic
A heart that had to much pride to let go
A heart that had so much love to give
Bodies that were making their own temples of unity
You always held me firmly
You opened my eyes to you and I felt you everywhere and you were the only thing I felt and I seen you and you're still the only thing I see and you proclaimed your love to me
So sweetly
You love me
"Did you hear me?"
You asked, worriedly
Your voice was already engraved into my heart of course I did, but I couldn't get those words out of my throat and
my voice stopped working, suddenly
"You don't have to say it back, I just wanted to let you know"
I want you to know too, but..
You love me though!
You dropped me off that night with a full heart and an even fuller smile. I'm addicted.
Working, sleeping, face timing, talking, laughing, hiding, dating..
One night singing old blues and show tunes lying in your room, our legs tangled into two and looking at you
"Da-dum da-dum da-dum" my heart was beating so loud to the beats of the phrase "I love you" that kept getting caught inside a fight with my pride right behind my teeth and at the tip of my tongue
Our love won the fight
"You do?"
You asked, happily
"I love you too"
Jul 2018 · 412
"Are" to "were"
Cjf Jul 2018
You were the epitome of cliche jokes and the feeling of a warm fire after being in the cold.
You were the glue to keep the 1000 piece puzzle together.
You were forgiveness in hardships
You were hammer and nails on the tool belt that a worker wore with pride each early morning and every sweltering day and all the long nights
You were dancing to commercial jingles
You were waking up excited Christmas morning to pancakes
You were trust
You were more than 2 family gatherings on holidays and having time stretched thin between the different 5 ones we had to go and choosing which one we wanted to attend
You were a secret holder
You were making weekends an hour long trip every weekend
You were holding hands with my mom while you drove and talked and laughed so
You were taking the role of "dad" when the one who fathered three kids didn't want to be
You were love in its best form
Until you weren't
Cjf Jul 2018
Loving you
Is easy
And hard
And everything
Hating you
Is easy
And hard
And everything
This passion
Is incomparable
To everything
So why is it so easy and hard to keep the darkness that threatens us
More often than not
From overwhelming?
I'm not sad anymore I just found these on my notes
Jul 2018 · 218
Hickory dickory
Cjf Jul 2018
I don't know how or when
But I know
One day my temper and insecurities
Will get the best of me
Jul 2018 · 354
Scarmbled eggs
Cjf Jul 2018
Life comes and goes
The person you are now could be someone that everyone back then would walk right past and never even know
You could take your compass heart north and let it lead you for the better
Or you could go down south and let it tear your very name up, letter by letter

You could choose the love of your life
or the love of the night
That would be gone by the next day
And you woke up alone wondering why you just didn't stay
You keep walking, hoping that your family is still where you left them that day
But you forgot that the letters that made up your name aren't what they used to say

And maybe they would take you back with open arms
Maybe they would give you the love you forgot in the midst of your own ocean storms
Maybe they would tell you the jokes you missed out on while you were shipwrecked and your compass broke
Maybe they would remember your name and help you rebuild it even though the last letter is barely hanging on, like a tattered edge of a rope

Life always gives you a choice, it's not just one or two.
There's numerous paths to go on, what're you going to choose?
Are you going to let a town beat you down until you aren't you?
Or are you going to overcome the obstacles and make it out alive and see this battle on through?

And your
Name was always known
Though, who's to say the letters make any sense
How can we fix the way you willingly let your ship get
No, our hearts are passed being punched and kicked
You can't Unscramble this
Jul 2018 · 86
Cjf Jul 2018
he's overbearing, overprotective, over opinionated, overreacting, over aggressive, but over all he loves over everything. my boy feels with every essence of himself. it scares me honestly; we are so much alike. but he's the sun and i am the moon and i'm lucky enough that he's there to kiss me every morning and i am there to kiss him every night. im glad he's the one i orbit around, for his gravitational pull is undefined and complex.
when he shouts at the stars because his scars life has given him have a choke hold grip on him, my universe feels shattered for him because what good can glue do to a broken jar? im far more damaged than he thinks and i know it's because i sweep my broken pieces under a rug and he wears them on a sleeve yet he looks to me, he believes i am what he needs, and if those soft hard eyes can look at me and see salvation than i can believe that i'm not rotten to the core and beyond saving. he keeps me whole when i'm in his arms, my pieces that are frayed and tearing he threads them back together- he acts as the seams for me. he doesn't pull, he doesn't push, he coaxes me as gently as he can and as softly as i will allow without him feeling too gradual. he is the perfect string. What can i do, but the same for him? he gives me patience a countless number of times and doesn't count all the times he has to be patient. i know for a fact i will be his glue for as long as he'll continue to keep me. i'll fix him piece by piece and he'll be my favorite puzzle to solve and i don't even like puzzles.
he saved me when i didn't even want it. i didn't even acknowledge that i needed to be saved. from what, exactly?? from the world at that point i guess.. from myself, yet he crept up on me slowly, my affections towards him were still buried deep within me, but he still went for it. every day he awoken something in me that i shied away from, that i wasn't used to. he questioned me; held genuine interest towards me because i was an enigma to him. Yet he knew he held that same interest for me because he was someone i couldn't understand but that i understood more than anyone. He was the same contradiction i seen everyday that i looked into the mirror. i looked forward to talking to him and wondering how he would react to what i told him, but yet i hated how my shackles raised when i heard his voice talk and heard a feminine laugh in answer to what he said. i hated the control he was already having over my emotions. i already denied a morning position in favor of our late night work talks; i was already gone for him even then. i didn't want to admit the flutter i felt when 6:30 came and he came in with it. every feeling i felt, i hated it. he wore-and continues- to wear his mask so well, that it in turn makes me pull away and when i pull, it's like a ton of cinder blocks are tied to the end of a rope in a net on a cliff and i'm tied to the other side trying to pull them back up but it's a lost cause, so i didn't even admit to myself that that boy was all i was seeing. he uses it to his advantage and shows indifference in his attitude. he can go from warm to cold so fast and the way he ices out can always make me feel so small. he grew tired of waiting on me to admit how i felt, so he turned his warm summer kindness away from me and became a statue. it scared me. he used her against me and hurt me just the same the way he would let himself get back into his toxic relationship. we were both hurtling toward our toxicity, but he chose me and he loved me.
every kiss, every moment in someone else's embrace, presence, in their memory, it makes me sick to my stomach. i lost myself completely. i was with the lost and forgotten and the left and the broken, just floating and existing. i was so tired of being alone. i was so tired of dealing with my mind that i wanted to be out of it rather than in it, so with warm liquor burning down ouru throats i gave myself unto others. but when i think of someone elses lips other than his lips on me, it makes me feel.. sad. i feel sad that i wasted time and wasted my body on people who i wouldn't waste another second of my time on. im sad for myself, because i was fragile and on the verge of losing my heart because i didn't give a **** about anyone else's heart at that point and they didn't care about mine because i gave the impression that i didn't even have one, that "im so badass" act wasn't ever seen.
Yet.. he seen right through it. it scared the **** out of me the first time he called me out on it. he calls me out on a lot of my ****, but that time i wasn't prepared to hear it. He said, "you know.. i feel like even though you're happy and you look like there's nothing going on on the outside.. there's a lot you don't say on the inside and there's a whole other side to you that no one knows." he shocked me into silence then. "Am i right?" he asked, and i didn't even have an answer, but i didn't want to let him know he hit the nail on the hammer. I played it off like a joke and we laughed. he sees me. the real me but... He always makes me laugh when i don't want to.
My boy thinks he's too emotional. He thinks he's thinks too much. He thinks his reactions aren't rational. but he doesn't know that i think he's so perfect. he doesn't know that i see him, too. i see him and all his perfect imperfections. he's so much better than me and he doesn't even realize that the pedestal i have him on can reach so high that i feel like i can't reach him. he's so above me and everyone else. he brings out a me that i didnt even know existed. i want to be strong like him, i want to uncaring of people's opinion like him, i want to be so fearless like him. he reaches beyond my expectations. and when i feel like he's close to me i'm so ecstatic to have him here with me. he's always on his own universe sometimes that it's hard to reach him or have him hear me. he's my lost planet.
he knows that it's an unspoken fear that im going to lose him one day. my anxiety has reached an all time high now that i have something to lose. i mess up so much though, that i know one day i'll do something without thinking and it'll be the last straw for my boy who has endured so much that he doesn't deserve to be put through anymore. im impulsive. i really believe that something in my head is off kilter. be it the chemicals, the balance, the waves, something keeps me from not being able to **** up. to stop and think that i shouldn't be as rash as my mind tells me too.. and that's his biggest fear, i think, though i know he won't say it. that i could be so impulsive to respond to another's comment on my face and to tell them to come to me. i couldn't picture another man on me anymore than i can picture him letting another woman have him, but my head paints the picture for me without permission and i know it does the same for him. it's a rough confutation for the both of us. we are so much alike and yet so **** different, but despite it all he's the one i love the most.. my love for him is never ending, astounding, astonishing, everlasting, surprising, refreshing, and he loves me. he loves enough to listen to me rant, enough to hear me when i'm used to not being heard. he's always here for me to hold on to. he does so much for me with no other reason than to make me happy and he doesn't understand that him simply being near me is enough for me.
i remember hearing the difference in his voice. That how he spoke softly and sweetly to me was different than how he spoke to others. it made me feel warm that i got that special attention. i eat his attention right up; i love it so much. i don't know that he realizes i would choose him over everyone, but im pulled in every direction a lot of the time that im overwhelmed and the only constant feeling of peace i get is when im near him. He loves to push every single one of my buttons though. he knows that he makes me feel an abundance of feelings and he knows that the gravity he has me in responds to how he's feeling. some days were perfect magnets sticking together, other days were fighting against one other. it's a heady mixture of passion of love and anger and fear.
Jul 2018 · 290
Cjf Jul 2018
"there are two people you'll meet in your life. one will run a finger down the index of who you are and jump straight down to the parts of you that pique their interest. the other will take their time reading through every one of your chapters and maybe fold corners of you that inspired them the most. You'll meet these two people; its a given. its the third that youll never see coming. that one person who not only finishes your sentences, but also keeps the whole book"

i believe i am a sentimentalist at romance, and given the chance ill look for love in stolen glances, unfinished sentences, and knowing how you like your coffee. and im not saying my heart has found its place in love with you, but ruling out the possibility of love with you.. im willing to close off all bets & go down in flames all for you. you are my third person, my finished sentence, and i am your library. you can choose any book off my shelf and ill gladly read it to you.
Jul 2018 · 4.0k
Cjf Jul 2018
Depression isn't always hidden cuts underneath sweaters. It's not always sad music & rainy days. It's sometimes the girl who's always smiling with the sad eyes. It's your friend who always has a joke for you. It's the thin line between insanity and being too sane. The ***** of your mouth that doesn't curve all the way into a smile when your thoughts become to heavy for even the hundred of muscles in your mouth to upturn. It's driving a car at 130 miles per hour and wondering how it felt to hug a tree, a numb pain that you can't feel, buts it's everything you feel. It's alcohol going down, down, down until your feelings are higher. It's medication, it comes and goes, always lingering like your allergies on the first day of spring
It's dedicated to you, seeping into your bones like the poison you take up your nose to drown out the inner demons
It's toxins slowly spreading and dissolving your strength and making you wish you weren't you
Depression isn't always black and white.
It's the brightest of teeth that flash the friendliest smiles; sunshine and birds. Because depression doesn't discriminate appearances, she doesn't care who she overcomes and overthrows. Her victims are her best friends and she's patient and she'll wait until your very worst day to come throw her arm over your shoulders and pretend she's there for you, feeding herself with the way your feeding into her shadows.
Depression is everywhere
Jun 2018 · 215
Cjf Jun 2018
‪I'm at my highest with you‬
‪feeling so unbalanced without you.. ‬
‪but for you its a wall of chemically made malice for you‬
‪It's because of you‬
‪Why I feel like I cry most with you‬
‪You're the person who could make me die with you‬
‪But you're hiding too‬
‪You make me confide in you‬
‪And I feel as if I am one with you‬
‪But you‬
‪Are you only alive when your inside of me?‬
‪When we're laughing.. do I make you feel that comfortableness to reside with me?‬
‪When you hold me do you feel like we're one in two?‬
‪Or am I just here for you?‬
‪What am I to you?‬
‪You have the darkest sides to me‬
‪The sides no one is ever allowed to see‬
‪You have all of my secrets I trust you to keep‬
‪But is my vulnerability ‬
‪Too much of a responsibility ‬
‪That makes your passion into passivity?‬
‪What can I do..‬
‪To make you not alone..‬
‪To be more than just your play zone..‬
‪What can I do?‬
Apr 2018 · 1.6k
holy guacamole
Cjf Apr 2018
shes an aggressive and silent lover
she'll take her nails and leave fiery red marks all across your back in an exclamation, warning others that she was there and they cant compete to the sensation she gave. She'll mold her way around you and yield the control to you, but dont you know, its she who holds the power? She'll moan your name like its a prayer and the way she makes your spine tingle will have you wondering if shes the actual religion.
Apr 2018 · 374
whatever the weather
Cjf Apr 2018
if i was to compare you to weather you would be spring, for how refreshing you are & how you make my heart bloom like a flower after a really long winter. You would be summer because of the way you make me melt with your words, no matter how ridiculously cheesy. Your phrases, the way you say things and think, how everything out of you is more sweeter than the most ripest watermelons on 4th of July. Honestly, youre the fireworks in my eyes. You would be winter for how toasty you make my insides feel when you proclaim that im a piece of your happiness. When you reassure me that im better than what anyone thinks, even myself. Finally, youre autumn. For how you changed me from being very cynical of people, to offering a person if they need help with anything because when i see them struggling i think of what you would do. From red leaves to warm yellow. Truthfully, you changed my outlook on people & the world. myself, as well. But mostly, because of how fast and hard im falling for you. I appreciate it & you so much. So thank you for being you without trying, or so much as an effort to being a better person than most
Apr 2018 · 483
Cjf Apr 2018
this is for you and the way my words are better written then coming out of my mouth. For you and the way you always say exactly what goes on in your head and being articulate and brave enough to say it. every single word i write down is what i want to say, but what freezes halfway up my throat. So, this is for you because you make me want to be brave.
Apr 2018 · 173
my heart is pompeii
Cjf Apr 2018
its as if my heart before you turned itself into a molded casting of a normal heart; functioned just the same as everyone else's, but it forgot how to love and how to be loved. it forgot how to be vulnerable to the aspects of another person caring for my heart. and so its with you, that my young fragmented fragile heart, is breaking the casting and growing into something so much more deserving for someone like you. this heart wants to be yours. so please keep keep it
Dec 2016 · 447
sweater weather?
Cjf Dec 2016
two undeserving people
a tornado & a hurricane
what's worse?
he's the type to throw his emotions
from Oklahoma
to Kansas
through concrete
and trees
and not feel a thing
she's a mess
everywhere and nowhere
she doesn't care who or what she destroys
it's game on who can last the longest
who can take the most people
so high
so low
and who can **** them first
who is worse?
Cjf Dec 2016
I didnt wanna tell you I was drunk
I didnt want to crush anything much less the heart of yours you let me see
it really is a beautiful gift to have
it is a repeated cycle of loneliness and saddness
why is you who always has the key out of it
you with your set voice that could melt snow on a the coldest of days
but I was drunk
and I am lonely
and sad
and here you are
and im falling again
falling where I shouldn't be
I am not yours
I promise i won't or can't ever be
it's hard to not talk to you
I just wanna excite you dude
like you do me
I wanna treat you like you treat me
but it seems to be mixed all the time
and I can't stand you
but you do things that make me smile
you remember
your *** doesn't let me talk though
like someone else I can name
is there something wrong with me
why does no one want to listen
I need to forget again.
**** the *******.

July 3rd 2016
Dec 2016 · 462
Cjf Dec 2016
playing with fire
as the saying goes
but you're not fire
at least not metaphorically anymore
you're the ocean
changing which way you decide to go & flipping it
around because you dont want to go that way anymore
you're so calm
but the waves take over you

you can have my wrapped around your finger
wrapped so tight that it hurts
hurts to do anything but become your slave
this ocean has me in it's depth
i can't even put up a fight
I'm no match against you
and you know it
how weak I am for you
you say the right things do the right things
and i can't help love what's killing me
so beautiful when youre calm
so breathtaking when youre at ease
slowly waving back and forth in a picture so serene
but the Tsunamis are quiet in the midst of their forming
I'm scared of you
you already destroyed me once
but you come back
those words always get me
you always get me
I'm a ******* slave for you
so pathetic
it's not even a game anymore
it's who can fall before they can't get back up
my bets are for the girl who can't swim
the girl who rides the waves rather then controls them
who goes under rather than surfs
she's weak
Dec 2016 · 548
6:32 am
Cjf Dec 2016
but baby I can be something you need

I'm blind and the liquid fire that goes down my throat taste better than any kiss I've ever had
or maybe it just taste better than the bitterness
I want your lips
I crave you
I want see the Sun for the first time

I can feel you but I can't see you

but how is it that you make me feel
electric eccentric ecstatic
how do you light flames so bright I still can see them even when my eyes are closed
the ocean doesn't have a fighting chance against the wildfire you started within me

mend me into a cup so when you drink you think of me

you bring wildflowers into my dull forest green grass
I've never seen peonies and sunflowers
and daisys and hyrdrogenias
look so in peace
and you make my heart beat in time in what seems like forever
I could smell these flowers even after they died
and the Sun decided she was done with them
but I never cared much for flowers

when you leave idc what I'm remembered for I just want to be remembered*

if you go like the moon says good bye to his morning star
then please remember the way it felt at 21 to still believe some things would come back
and the Sun would say hello to her moon
before he left
trace the feel of your lips the way they form into smile
and remember the pattern
we're not ever getting 18 back
and I'll write you sweet nothings
on napkins I'll leave in a diner
where we once got ice cream
Dec 2016 · 370
August 5th 2016
Cjf Dec 2016
you told me of stars shooting across the skies in bright burst

but you never told me about the kind of stars that plummet into the earths atmosphere

you never described the gravitational pull towards something that goes beyond description

maybe it isn't that simple maybe a catastrophe is meant to happen in order for something beautiful to exist

but ******* you're a ******* asteroid in my sky of shooting stars

you lit up this colorful earth with technicolors of your own making

I always knew coloring in the lines wasn't for you

maybe this is a poem about how you snuck your way into my body or better yet drilled a hole into my heart where you plummeted into at full speed and force

maybe it isn't a poem about love
maybe its a poem about how much I hate the person in my skin

and I never told you out of place I felt in my own skin and the words you say make me wanna tear myself out of mine and into yours

and you make me wanna commit sins and write them across the hell written skies

you make me wanna forget my name and only scream yours into the night

you're an astroid that got pulled into my sirens call of angst and desperation

you answered my call and idk what to do when I'm done with you

but **** if it doesn't hurt not talking to you
it doesn't hurt like a ***** knowing that I see the best of you and still take it for granted
it doesn't **** me inside and twist everything in horrifying ways knowing I want more from you
I want to lie you the **** down
I want to kiss you and never come up for air
I want to make sure you never forget my mark stained indigo and red on your neck
I want to scratch my name into your back with passion in the lines of every letter

*I want you

and that's the difference between us babe
I don't need you to breathe
to feel
I only want you
but ****
**** if this is more than I aimed for
**** if breaking your heart doesn't tear mine out with yours

I need you too.
Cjf Dec 2016
i loved you. i loved you as naive people love when they believe heart's aren't made of glass & aren't meant to break. i loved you like a child would love something new they discovered & possesed you as one would possess a toy. I guess that's what happens when a punk rock boy with steady hands & raven black hair steals an innocent 15 year old girls heart.

but heart's break they burn they catch fire & they mold into something new. but even three years later molded casings are meant to break & maybe that's how you managed to creep & lock yourself into my new heart & it's foreign to you & to me. but your hands aren't steady & your heart is as unstable as a bridge that hasn't been crossed in years & maybe its a chance to cross it not knowing what lies at the bottom, but you make me feel so willing to cross it.

I've loved you. loved you with more than my entire being & I've told you what kind of hell it was to believe that you didn't care, but you did & i know I gave up to easily but i needed love. I needed a physical love,a few blocks apart, not 100 miles apart. I was selfish & I've never seen anything more beautifully heartbreaking than you with tears in your eyes begging me to stay & i was caught between my heart or my body & I chose my selfish needs & my heart was broken for months & i missed you & needed you to fix it. & I could never paint or write or sing about the way your eyes looked the last time I was brave enough to look into them; & I don't believe anyone could ever replicate anything so forlornly blue.

you're heart isn't a toy. & love isn't a game. we're both going blind in this gamble. i want to be yours for the night & maybe more & you with your words that paint dreams make it as tempting as pandoras box & I'm almost as willing to open it all. we're both betting high, too high, & I don't want you falling into vices & I don't want to lose you. it's always been a fight for who would win out & I don't want to lose. i don't. you made a home in my heart & my heart has molded it's way around you in perfect unison & yes it missed a couple of beats but they we're beats screaming your name & yearning for your acceptance & yes it stops when I believe you see me for who I really am & who I could be. I don't want you too.

I couldn't go anywhere if i tried, darling.

July 5th 2016
but your hands arent steady anymore
Oct 2014 · 645
Cjf Oct 2014
This darkness comes & goes
Silently & quietly
I think its gone & instead pretend im happy
Cause he makes me happy
But not even my sunshine can outshine this inevitable dark.
Feb 2014 · 709
ssiK tsriF
Cjf Feb 2014
There was fire everywhere
Because he was everywhere
His hands traced my skin
Burning it
His lips tasted every inch of my face

I couldn't feel anything besides the burning
Feb 2014 · 1.9k

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