he's overbearing, overprotective, over opinionated, overreacting, over aggressive, but over all he loves over everything. my boy feels with every essence of himself. it scares me honestly; we are so much alike. but he's the sun and i am the moon and i'm lucky enough that he's there to kiss me every morning and i am there to kiss him every night. im glad he's the one i orbit around, for his gravitational pull is undefined and complex.
when he shouts at the stars because his scars life has given him have a choke hold grip on him, my universe feels shattered for him because what good can glue do to a broken jar? im far more damaged than he thinks and i know it's because i sweep my broken pieces under a rug and he wears them on a sleeve yet he looks to me, he believes i am what he needs, and if those soft hard eyes can look at me and see salvation than i can believe that i'm not rotten to the core and beyond saving. he keeps me whole when i'm in his arms, my pieces that are frayed and tearing he threads them back together- he acts as the seams for me. he doesn't pull, he doesn't push, he coaxes me as gently as he can and as softly as i will allow without him feeling too gradual. he is the perfect string. What can i do, but the same for him? he gives me patience a countless number of times and doesn't count all the times he has to be patient. i know for a fact i will be his glue for as long as he'll continue to keep me. i'll fix him piece by piece and he'll be my favorite puzzle to solve and i don't even like puzzles.
he saved me when i didn't even want it. i didn't even acknowledge that i needed to be saved. from what, exactly?? from the world at that point i guess.. from myself, yet he crept up on me slowly, my affections towards him were still buried deep within me, but he still went for it. every day he awoken something in me that i shied away from, that i wasn't used to. he questioned me; held genuine interest towards me because i was an enigma to him. Yet he knew he held that same interest for me because he was someone i couldn't understand but that i understood more than anyone. He was the same contradiction i seen everyday that i looked into the mirror. i looked forward to talking to him and wondering how he would react to what i told him, but yet i hated how my shackles raised when i heard his voice talk and heard a feminine laugh in answer to what he said. i hated the control he was already having over my emotions. i already denied a morning position in favor of our late night work talks; i was already gone for him even then. i didn't want to admit the flutter i felt when 6:30 came and he came in with it. every feeling i felt, i hated it. he wore-and continues- to wear his mask so well, that it in turn makes me pull away and when i pull, it's like a ton of cinder blocks are tied to the end of a rope in a net on a cliff and i'm tied to the other side trying to pull them back up but it's a lost cause, so i didn't even admit to myself that that boy was all i was seeing. he uses it to his advantage and shows indifference in his attitude. he can go from warm to cold so fast and the way he ices out can always make me feel so small. he grew tired of waiting on me to admit how i felt, so he turned his warm summer kindness away from me and became a statue. it scared me. he used her against me and hurt me just the same the way he would let himself get back into his toxic relationship. we were both hurtling toward our toxicity, but he chose me and he loved me.
every kiss, every moment in someone else's embrace, presence, in their memory, it makes me sick to my stomach. i lost myself completely. i was with the lost and forgotten and the left and the broken, just floating and existing. i was so tired of being alone. i was so tired of dealing with my mind that i wanted to be out of it rather than in it, so with warm liquor burning down ouru throats i gave myself unto others. but when i think of someone elses lips other than his lips on me, it makes me feel.. sad. i feel sad that i wasted time and wasted my body on people who i wouldn't waste another second of my time on. im sad for myself, because i was fragile and on the verge of losing my heart because i didn't give a **** about anyone else's heart at that point and they didn't care about mine because i gave the impression that i didn't even have one, that "im so badass" act wasn't ever seen.
Yet.. he seen right through it. it scared the **** out of me the first time he called me out on it. he calls me out on a lot of my ****, but that time i wasn't prepared to hear it. He said, "you know.. i feel like even though you're happy and you look like there's nothing going on on the outside.. there's a lot you don't say on the inside and there's a whole other side to you that no one knows." he shocked me into silence then. "Am i right?" he asked, and i didn't even have an answer, but i didn't want to let him know he hit the nail on the hammer. I played it off like a joke and we laughed. he sees me. the real me but... He always makes me laugh when i don't want to.
My boy thinks he's too emotional. He thinks he's thinks too much. He thinks his reactions aren't rational. but he doesn't know that i think he's so perfect. he doesn't know that i see him, too. i see him and all his perfect imperfections. he's so much better than me and he doesn't even realize that the pedestal i have him on can reach so high that i feel like i can't reach him. he's so above me and everyone else. he brings out a me that i didnt even know existed. i want to be strong like him, i want to uncaring of people's opinion like him, i want to be so fearless like him. he reaches beyond my expectations. and when i feel like he's close to me i'm so ecstatic to have him here with me. he's always on his own universe sometimes that it's hard to reach him or have him hear me. he's my lost planet.
he knows that it's an unspoken fear that im going to lose him one day. my anxiety has reached an all time high now that i have something to lose. i mess up so much though, that i know one day i'll do something without thinking and it'll be the last straw for my boy who has endured so much that he doesn't deserve to be put through anymore. im impulsive. i really believe that something in my head is off kilter. be it the chemicals, the balance, the waves, something keeps me from not being able to **** up. to stop and think that i shouldn't be as rash as my mind tells me too.. and that's his biggest fear, i think, though i know he won't say it. that i could be so impulsive to respond to another's comment on my face and to tell them to come to me. i couldn't picture another man on me anymore than i can picture him letting another woman have him, but my head paints the picture for me without permission and i know it does the same for him. it's a rough confutation for the both of us. we are so much alike and yet so **** different, but despite it all he's the one i love the most.. my love for him is never ending, astounding, astonishing, everlasting, surprising, refreshing, and he loves me. he loves enough to listen to me rant, enough to hear me when i'm used to not being heard. he's always here for me to hold on to. he does so much for me with no other reason than to make me happy and he doesn't understand that him simply being near me is enough for me.
i remember hearing the difference in his voice. That how he spoke softly and sweetly to me was different than how he spoke to others. it made me feel warm that i got that special attention. i eat his attention right up; i love it so much. i don't know that he realizes i would choose him over everyone, but im pulled in every direction a lot of the time that im overwhelmed and the only constant feeling of peace i get is when im near him. He loves to push every single one of my buttons though. he knows that he makes me feel an abundance of feelings and he knows that the gravity he has me in responds to how he's feeling. some days were perfect magnets sticking together, other days were fighting against one other. it's a heady mixture of passion of love and anger and fear.