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Cjf May 19
I remember you. Broken, sad, depressed, but hopeful, optimistic, and healing. Looking for the best but expecting the worst. You just came out of heartache that left you battered and bruised, betrayals and constant ping pong with your emotions. The back and forth was too much and you contemplated losing your life because the way your head got messed with and manipulated was too much. You didn't eat or sleep. You gave up so much to be used and tossed aside, But you tied your shoes and never stopped walking. You never looked back at the girl that hurt you. And You weren't looking for love you said, when we met. You were done with relationships. As was I, but you and me kept gravitating towards one another, it was a pull that was stronger than either of us expected. You let yourself get tugged in and I fought. It's ironic... you persisted over and over for me until I finally relented because I pictured life without having you to lighten up my sunless world and it wasn't worth it to fight against the pull anymore and I sunk further than I could ever come out of. Now we're broken and you it can’t be fixed so you chose to walk away,
Minor scratches and scars and all
Meanwhile I'm still trying to pull you back but you left the orbit we were in and I'm pulling at empty strings
The irony isn't lost on me.
The way you lost your self, the insecurity, the feeling of not being enough, the back and forth, the loss of self confidence, the sleepless nights, the depression.

You gave it all to me 3 years later. And maybe you forgot that pain you felt when you found out she might be pregnant by another man and the way you forgave her and loved her enough through it to be with her still through it and she left

Maybe you forgot the way it impacted you, so thats why you were able to do it to me so easily.

Maybe it is my fault, maybe I should've been better for you. I let my guard down too far and got so comfortable with your love that I got used to us being the way we were. I didn't fight to keep us from becoming dormant.

I loved the way you loved her because you forgave and forgave and forgave and she didn't deserve it, but you loved her empty planet. I coveted that love she had from you. I've only ever read about that kind of love that goes through so much measurements to keep someone in their life and to have a real life book in front of me bewildered me and fascinated me. I only knew love that gave me a few chances to **** up or else. So when you loved me and forgave me I didn't mean to take advantage of it. I was a child. I am a child. You handed me a love that could've been something that everyone could've coveted and wished was theres but I damaged it time and time again and I turned that pure energy into a dark matter that became a dangerous toxin. It might not have been breathable anymore but I became accustomed to it and addicted all in the same breath. I'm sorry I wasn't better for you.

You'll be better for her. It might not be now, or it might. But there is always going to be a "her" who isn't me... our universe we made with each other imploded or exploded but there's no more gravity to keep us there anymore just the string that keeps us tied together.

It hurts. God does it hurt. But I've got people moving heaven to heal my broken soul. and you're not mine anymore to worry about. You are not mine to wonder if you're okay. How your day is going. What you are doing. What you ate. It's not my concern.

You'll love again. The way you hurt right now will be your guidance. You felt the pain of being cheated on by a loved one and you dealt the pain of cheating on a loved on. Both sides of the spectrum hold no interest to you, so treat the next her with all the respect a relationship deserves. Be open and honest and raw and vulnerable and communicate why you hate the things you do and even more so about the things you love and why you love them. Smile and laugh. ******* laugh, please cause if they feel anything of the iota I felt about you, your laugh brings SO much joy especially being the one to get you to laugh. You can be so pleasant and peaceful and sweet and thoughtful. Don't hide those from her. Those are you most WONDERFUL traits . Even your anger is passionate, but stop letting yourself react to everything. Not every action deserves a reaction. Treat her like fine gold and watch you both shine like a million pennies under the pool when the sun hits just right. She will do more for you by what you do for her. Your cup will always run over when you fill hers up. You have the tools to be so perfect. You are damaged but you are perfect. Your destruction inside you is your beauty. Treat this girl like you never wanna lose her and when she treats you better, then she can have access to my heart. For anyone that can love someone I love just as much if not more, has my affection. And I want for you so much more than happiness.
Cjf Nov 2022
Still left somewhere in last week at the bar in between drinks
When you so casually claimed
“you know I love you”
somewhere between my heart stopping and feeling like it got plunged with a needle full of adrenaline
“you know I don’t ever wanna make you mad I just wanna make you laugh”
my smile felt somewhere between triumphant and pride
ecstatic and overwhelmed
It’s like the smoke cleared out and centered around you
why are you all I see?
how are you all that I see still?
I told you once that you have a power over me and to this day it’s still true.
I can deny it until I’m blue in the face and I have no more air in my lungs- but it’s true
But….. you love me.

I got you
I actually won this prize
I can’t get out of this haze I’ve been in and I can’t stop seeing the way your hands were moving when you told me.
your shy smile. your earnestness in your eyes.
I’ve never fought to be so relevant in someone’s life the way I fight for a spot in yours, the claws that come out when that spot is threatened feel so sharp and steadfast
Like they’d take on any and everything to be near you
And you love me.

It’s a relief and terrifying at one time. cause you can confess a love that makes flowers bloom in my chest but proclaim that love isn’t real in the next breath, so what is it that you’re trying to say? That the love you feel for me isn’t as cemented as mine feels for you? I’ve stifled my love for you, I’ve proclaimed it to you, I’ve held it steady for you, and in my heart it’s only you that holds this love and I’m not scared to give it to you, but the love you’re handing me… I’m petrified and proud to be responsible for it. It’s a heady thing, your love. I don’t want to hurt you.
Who’s in control now
Cjf Nov 2022
you tossed me a life jacket when I was drowning
you breathed life back into me
In reality you had no idea I was dying
Monotony was oppressing me
Then you came and turned everything upside down

Suddenly I craved being around your energy
there was laughter and smiles
there was butterflies that I tried killing with alcohol
But even the alcohol couldn't burn out the flutters I felt around you

You held me close so many nights and I needed it but I fought it until you fell asleep and I could move away
He did that to me.
But I'd wake up wrapped back around you just the same
You did that to me

God didn't have a fighting chance against me falling for you
There was no divine intervention to save me from that trip
No way to stop you from turning that small corner in my heart into a bigger space for you and only you

And my god
I worship the work you did on me
this confidence
it's all you
this smile
this backbone is built out of the armor I took from you
I worship you
My personal god
Saved notes I never posted
Cjf Jun 2021
you are a the hit of nicotine that I keep saying I'm going to quit but crave until I feel the smoke hit my lungs. you're so bad for me but still so good because when I imagine you moving on and sharing your arms and humor with someone else, I see red. When I imagine you becoming a husband I feel my own heart break. why? I know I have the power to create something out of us, but when I'm with HIM all I do is keep my eyes on him and just want his attention on me. When he talks I love that his inner thoughts are for me and his jokes are mine. When he talks to another female I get possessive and imagining him out of my life is unthinkable. I can't picture a life without him being my best friend. His love has always consumed me, but YOU breathed a different feeling in me that has turned me from a puppet for his love to someone who isn't afraid to challenge him and for that I don't know wether to praise you and stay or thank you and leave.
Or scream I told you so
Cjf Jun 2021
"I like you too much"
"I think it's more than that"
"I do. I think you more than like me"
"I don't"
"I think so"
"..You have too much control over me"
"I know"
Drunk conversations at 3 in the morning
Cjf Jun 2021
"Leave me" he said
While his fingers played music to the instrument that was my body.
"Leave me" he demanded while I steadily grew louder against his pressure
"Leave me" he plead while my body writhed underneath his touch
"Leave me" he said while I touched the stars while simultaneously being on earth
"I can't" I confessed breathlessly, sadly.
"There's no one like you. No one can be you. You're all I see"

"Don't leave me. Ever"
He's not you
Cjf Apr 2021
And I know
You'll hurt me
My thief
You see my heart in my eyes when I look at you
That's why I avoid your stare
You hear words I won't say out loud through my body
And you mold me into you frequently
I try and fight against the current that is you
But I'm under the water and drowning
And you're all of the ocean
All I can feel
All I can see
All around me in every direction
No matter which way I turn
You're there
Get out of my mind
But like the ocean, you can be so serene and breathtaking. You move without apology or reason. You're as mesmerizing as you are dangerous. But haven't I always wanted to dip my feet into the sea?
And when the oceans done
And I'm washed on the shore
Cold and alone
I can say
I knew it
I knew you'd hurt me
i hate that I was right
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