I remember you. Broken, sad, depressed, but hopeful, optimistic, and healing. Looking for the best but expecting the worst. You just came out of heartache that left you battered and bruised, betrayals and constant ping pong with your emotions. The back and forth was too much and you contemplated losing your life because the way your head got messed with and manipulated was too much. You didn't eat or sleep. You gave up so much to be used and tossed aside, But you tied your shoes and never stopped walking. You never looked back at the girl that hurt you. And You weren't looking for love you said, when we met. You were done with relationships. As was I, but you and me kept gravitating towards one another, it was a pull that was stronger than either of us expected. You let yourself get tugged in and I fought. It's ironic... you persisted over and over for me until I finally relented because I pictured life without having you to lighten up my sunless world and it wasn't worth it to fight against the pull anymore and I sunk further than I could ever come out of. Now we're broken and you it can’t be fixed so you chose to walk away,
Minor scratches and scars and all
Meanwhile I'm still trying to pull you back but you left the orbit we were in and I'm pulling at empty strings
The irony isn't lost on me.
The way you lost your self, the insecurity, the feeling of not being enough, the back and forth, the loss of self confidence, the sleepless nights, the depression.
You gave it all to me 3 years later. And maybe you forgot that pain you felt when you found out she might be pregnant by another man and the way you forgave her and loved her enough through it to be with her still through it and she left
Maybe you forgot the way it impacted you, so thats why you were able to do it to me so easily.
Maybe it is my fault, maybe I should've been better for you. I let my guard down too far and got so comfortable with your love that I got used to us being the way we were. I didn't fight to keep us from becoming dormant.
I loved the way you loved her because you forgave and forgave and forgave and she didn't deserve it, but you loved her empty planet. I coveted that love she had from you. I've only ever read about that kind of love that goes through so much measurements to keep someone in their life and to have a real life book in front of me bewildered me and fascinated me. I only knew love that gave me a few chances to **** up or else. So when you loved me and forgave me I didn't mean to take advantage of it. I was a child. I am a child. You handed me a love that could've been something that everyone could've coveted and wished was theres but I damaged it time and time again and I turned that pure energy into a dark matter that became a dangerous toxin. It might not have been breathable anymore but I became accustomed to it and addicted all in the same breath. I'm sorry I wasn't better for you.
You'll be better for her. It might not be now, or it might. But there is always going to be a "her" who isn't me... our universe we made with each other imploded or exploded but there's no more gravity to keep us there anymore just the string that keeps us tied together.
It hurts. God does it hurt. But I've got people moving heaven to heal my broken soul. and you're not mine anymore to worry about. You are not mine to wonder if you're okay. How your day is going. What you are doing. What you ate. It's not my concern.
You'll love again. The way you hurt right now will be your guidance. You felt the pain of being cheated on by a loved one and you dealt the pain of cheating on a loved on. Both sides of the spectrum hold no interest to you, so treat the next her with all the respect a relationship deserves. Be open and honest and raw and vulnerable and communicate why you hate the things you do and even more so about the things you love and why you love them. Smile and laugh. ******* laugh, please cause if they feel anything of the iota I felt about you, your laugh brings SO much joy especially being the one to get you to laugh. You can be so pleasant and peaceful and sweet and thoughtful. Don't hide those from her. Those are you most WONDERFUL traits . Even your anger is passionate, but stop letting yourself react to everything. Not every action deserves a reaction. Treat her like fine gold and watch you both shine like a million pennies under the pool when the sun hits just right. She will do more for you by what you do for her. Your cup will always run over when you fill hers up. You have the tools to be so perfect. You are damaged but you are perfect. Your destruction inside you is your beauty. Treat this girl like you never wanna lose her and when she treats you better, then she can have access to my heart. For anyone that can love someone I love just as much if not more, has my affection. And I want for you so much more than happiness.