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Cjf Aug 2023
The wind shifted from cold to warm
The sun doesn’t hide behind her clouds anymore
The flowers, they’re blooming
baby, you would’ve loved the way springs forming.

I wish I still had you. I wish your love still filled my heart.
I know you don’t realize but that love we shared was enough to fix me or tear me apart.
I begged heaven to let you stay, crying and screaming, dry heaving, tears streaming, they still couldn’t find what made you stop breathing
You were gone and I couldn’t save you from leaving

I was your home
We never picked out a welcome mat, but that didn’t stop you from walking inside and kicking up your feet
You made sure I wasn’t alone
Always reminding me that for 9 months you weren’t going to deplete

They said “It’s not your fault”
“You didn’t do anything wrong”
“Don’t blame yourself”
“You did what you were supposed to”

But I was your home

You grew inside of me, nurtured and fed
Hiccuped and kicked for hours on end
I loved you and I failed you
Baby.. I didn’t get to say it, but I’m sorry too

You were supposed to be safe and I couldn’t protect you
Maybe I wasn’t aware enough
But the skies, baby, they still feel icy blue
And is the world going to keep moving on without us or what?

I’m forever and always yours
You molded your heart into mine
Winters daughter and springs girl
no matter what angel baby, until the end of time.
I love you forever. You were first.
Cjf Nov 2022
Still left somewhere in last week at the bar in between drinks
When you so casually claimed
“you know I love you”
somewhere between my heart stopping and feeling like it got plunged with a needle full of adrenaline
“you know I don’t ever wanna make you mad I just wanna make you laugh”
my smile felt somewhere between triumphant and pride
ecstatic and overwhelmed
It’s like the smoke cleared out and centered around you
why are you all I see?
how are you all that I see still?
I told you once that you have a power over me and to this day it’s still true.
I can deny it until I’m blue in the face and I have no more air in my lungs- but it’s true
But….. you love me.

I got you
I actually won this prize
I can’t get out of this haze I’ve been in and I can’t stop seeing the way your hands were moving when you told me.
your shy smile. your earnestness in your eyes.
I’ve never fought to be so relevant in someone’s life the way I fight for a spot in yours, the claws that come out when that spot is threatened feel so sharp and steadfast
Like they’d take on any and everything to be near you
And you love me.

It’s a relief and terrifying at one time. cause you can confess a love that makes flowers bloom in my chest but proclaim that love isn’t real in the next breath, so what is it that you’re trying to say? That the love you feel for me isn’t as cemented as mine feels for you? I’ve stifled my love for you, I’ve proclaimed it to you, I’ve held it steady for you, and in my heart it’s only you that holds this love and I’m not scared to give it to you, but the love you’re handing me… I’m petrified and proud to be responsible for it. It’s a heady thing, your love. I don’t want to hurt you.
Who’s in control now
Cjf Nov 2022
you tossed me a life jacket when I was drowning
you breathed life back into me
In reality you had no idea I was dying
Monotony was oppressing me
Then you came and turned everything upside down

Suddenly I craved being around your energy
there was laughter and smiles
there was butterflies that I tried killing with alcohol
But even the alcohol couldn't burn out the flutters I felt around you

You held me close so many nights and I needed it but I fought it until you fell asleep and I could move away
He did that to me.
But I'd wake up wrapped back around you just the same
You did that to me

God didn't have a fighting chance against me falling for you
There was no divine intervention to save me from that trip
No way to stop you from turning that small corner in my heart into a bigger space for you and only you

And my god
I worship the work you did on me
this confidence
it's all you
this smile
this backbone is built out of the armor I took from you
I worship you
My personal god
Saved notes I never posted
Cjf Jun 2021
you are a the hit of nicotine that I keep saying I'm going to quit but crave until I feel the smoke hit my lungs. you're so bad for me but still so good because when I imagine you moving on and sharing your arms and humor with someone else, I see red. When I imagine you becoming a husband I feel my own heart break. why? I know I have the power to create something out of us, but when I'm with HIM all I do is keep my eyes on him and just want his attention on me. When he talks I love that his inner thoughts are for me and his jokes are mine. When he talks to another female I get possessive and imagining him out of my life is unthinkable. I can't picture a life without him being my best friend. His love has always consumed me, but YOU breathed a different feeling in me that has turned me from a puppet for his love to someone who isn't afraid to challenge him and for that I don't know wether to praise you and stay or thank you and leave.
Or scream I told you so
Cjf Jun 2021
"I like you too much"
"I think it's more than that"
"I do. I think you more than like me"
"I don't"
"I think so"
"..You have too much control over me"
"I know"
Drunk conversations at 3 in the morning
Cjf Jun 2021
"Leave me" he said
While his fingers played music to the instrument that was my body.
"Leave me" he demanded while I steadily grew louder against his pressure
"Leave me" he plead while my body writhed underneath his touch
"Leave me" he said while I touched the stars while simultaneously being on earth
"I can't" I confessed breathlessly, sadly.
"There's no one like you. No one can be you. You're all I see"

"Don't leave me. Ever"
He's not you
Cjf Apr 2021
And I know
You'll hurt me
My thief
You see my heart in my eyes when I look at you
That's why I avoid your stare
You hear words I won't say out loud through my body
And you mold me into you frequently
I try and fight against the current that is you
But I'm under the water and drowning
And you're all of the ocean
All I can feel
All I can see
All around me in every direction
No matter which way I turn
You're there
Get out of my mind
But like the ocean, you can be so serene and breathtaking. You move without apology or reason. You're as mesmerizing as you are dangerous. But haven't I always wanted to dip my feet into the sea?
And when the oceans done
And I'm washed on the shore
Cold and alone
I can say
I knew it
I knew you'd hurt me
i hate that I was right
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