In my eyes the one thing thats most pure and true other then death, is looking up to a clear sky and seeing the vibrant and bright moon.
So rare in its beauty, yet to be seen by anyone who takes the time to look and enjoy it.
I wonder if it could think or comprehend beauty of it knew how majestic it is.
Same could be told about my woman, used to be my woman.
Now my moon hurts me when I look at it, floods my mind with things that once was and never could be.

I had you once but you chose to walk away.
My poems brought you back to me for a night, and you begged me to stay.
I did till I knew that I would only be a secret for the night.
I wish you could see I was mr. Right.

The roads I must take to get you a seem endless to you, but I will walk however long it takes to spend one more night under the stars with my precious delight.

Darkness is so quick to Eclipse your light it swallows your happiness.
At that very moment you have an option be week and accept it, fall into a deep depression. Or fight your way outa hell, even if it brings you to your knees and you must crawl back into the light.
Heartbreak swallowed me up, and it took away my love and life. As i am frantically searching for some sort of comfort and pick up my pieces, I have learned the 1st and hardest step is to say "hello to happiness"

I hold a piece of your heart in mine, problem is you have a piece of my heart to. I root poetry get myself out there, now I write poetry to speak to you. I truly hate myself that I keep loving you unconditionally while you have left.

The only reason why it hurts so bad because the two halves of a heart long for each other to be close again until they are okay with loneliness it will hurt

Do not fall in love with a woman who loves the same music you do, because when she leaves, music is all you have left, then even your passion for music, begins to betray you.

That one girl you think you can live without so you pretend not to care, that one girl that every time you see her you hate her, but you hate yourself more because she is happier with someone else.
Theres 13 angels standing on display, I think they should take me away from this place. Away from the sight of her, one life time gone and now my soul is dead, the angels just shake there head. Oh the ******* rage takes over my body. Eyes filled with hate, mocked by her and her ex. I was just practice, something to keep her from being lonely till he came back and sweep her away. I dont wanna killem. But I wish to hurt them. Im angry all the **** time, hateful, sad, and disappointed in myself that I cant have the best ******* thing iv ever laid eyes on. She knows it, craves the attention I try not to give... But im weak, and now im lonely. I wonder if she ever had ment the things she said about me or ment she loved me. How soon she would jump back into his arms after leaving me... The thought is unbearable. Cant believe I had my sights on marriage with this girl. My angels standing in a row looking down on me waiting.... For me to just do it.

A story about a man who looked up to a hero all his life and realized he had only became a villain... -kyle Shirley

I write to add promise to myself, that one day, after enough practice ill truly become a great writer.. This goal is only obtained by hours and hours of beating on my craft. The same standards I hold for my writing I hold for my life, and mainly my relationships, I will fail, but thats only a step in the right direction for success. I never give up on my dreams and I never give up on a relationship. Even when times are tough, that struggle builds us stronger together, and over time we will succeed! A drive for a couple is required to live a long wonderful life. Fights happen, people do change and life gets harder but if you make a relationship or marriage a team work, balance off of each others strength and weakness, help and not put down... Any thing is possible, but you have to believe in yourself and your love companion to stand there at the ends of days and look at them and say, we did it, it was hard and tough but the harder the work, the sweeter the victory.

They will not know when im gone, if they call or text and I dont reply they would simply think im busy, not dead. "No, he would never do that, he is such a happy man." No im not! I am not happy, I am capable to inflict such horror upon myself. They would drop to there knees and gasp as they saw my body. Maybe I didnt do it myself, maybe others did it to me. But the impact is all the same. Why does it take a death or a loss to awaken ones eyes. To truly see the beauty of ones soul, as it passes gentle and free through the room and out to the unknown. As judgmental eyes gaze upon the dead, speaking only of a waste of life this is, gone too soon, (tear after tear shed) BLAH BLAH BLAH! Enough! If you had any common sense you would know to cherish the life that stands before you. yes, iv made mistakes along the way but never anything like that! To cheat on you? With filth like that? Its a crime just to mutter the words! How dare you.
But. Nevertheless, what is done is done, if I go mad in the few short weeks, they would never know. Would you be at the crime scene? Or the funeral?

Thinking about writing a book, anybody want to see me do this? Repost or  share.. The more likes and views the more ill believe its a good idea.

I try to help, but cant.
I try making her happy, useless.
I think about long walks down the road,  endless talks, giggling and goofing but its too late.
I think about just making her smile like I used to, but cant, nothing to smile about any more.
Im worried because she is worried.
Im sad and depressed, because she is sad and depressed.

But...
she doesn't notice the good times like I do.
The smiles I get from her,
The love I embrace from her,
The joy I get from her,
The life I live... Because of her.
             I know im a disappointment
That im broken
In debt
Joy *******
Lazy
Arrogant
Stubborn
Grouchy
Selfish
....boyfriend that only really asks to have you sleep next to me in the bed because having your beautiful smile to wake up to, makes it all worth it.
I love you, and all that you do for me. Im sorry im this way, but believe me when I say I try baby, im still trying and ill never give up, im sorry you fell in love with...
A broken man.

It hit like chronic to the lungs, sharp,  blissful pain. Reality My daily dose, chalk full of excitement, pleasure, and vigorous torture.  
I am defeated. I am shattered.
My head plays like a grimy ***** with bad shots. My affection is a void of self loathing and set on fire by pity.
The smile I use masks the pain of my true self, for the most troublesome people, bring the most joy to the world, for if they cannot be happy at least the others around them can. I will not apologize for whom iv become. No one has apologized for making me this why.

We all have it, that fire inside that pushs us. Could be here for another or that sensation you get working out, but nevertheless its that fire.
My passion had this fire, as you see in my writings.
My hate for the enemy's that want to see me fail at what I love.
My fire that drives me away from my Exs, ******* *****.
My fire that is ready to explode with crafty vengeance to hurt amd destroy the ones that lie and back stab me.

We all feel it, yet hardly any of us use it to get what we want. I still dont, As I feel like I still have some heart left.
Id tell my past self to use my hate, fire, passion, all of the above and take what I feel belongs to me. Id **** her, id take the money, id trash all those ******* lives. I wont fail at it, un like there unsuccessful trys. Please mother *******, you have no idea what this mind is capable of.

I fell in love with her hard,
Memories and present times clash,
many days calling her crazy, she calls me a ****.
I still love her all the same, although shes gone away,
The love I carry feels like just yesterday.
You will never know Whom I talk about in this poem,
Your not ment too. I started to rhyme and have reason in the beginning, now its all jumbled apart. This poem represents life, and love. in away were we try are best for awhile then we let what is natural, flow...
I gave up on her, and lost her trust. I messed up and sought out lust.
I was wrong and I couldn't say sorry enough, for it was my own undoing that has caused me pain, since her life has been rough.
I look at ash and wonder what iv done, to make this mess as I look back im still stunned.
Because now iv went back to rhyme, you must think all is good. For it is thus iv understood. For iv meet someone new and she is fine and dandy, I think ill marry her on top of some place warm and sandy.

he often walked, to clear his mind and the trouble he has. he came across the river,  as he looked deep into the reflection he saw his face disfigured, his eyes saw a good man, but the mind saw the devil. above him, he could see "good" looking down on him, judgement. "I am to blame for what I have become" he muttered "I will wear my disgusted life on my face", as if it was a mask he could never take off. Seems so clear like a reflection in a mirror... By this time he looked up from the water, looked down the road, and left his past behind him at the river. Although he still wears his devil as if it was a face, he ia proud at how far he has come. One day he come across that river and leave this mask and his woe at the river and move on.

When you boil it all down, this world is nothing but ******* lies and and false ideas. there can never be peace when war pays more. You say money isn't everything, id like to see you live without it. Money does buy happiness, just not for very long or practical happiness. Nothing sells more then hope, hope for peace, love, money, happiness blah blah blah.... Hope is the root of all evil. So when you boil this world all down to it... All there is, is false hope and lying about whose making the real money.

You lay here in bed thinking you will always be here, till the day you die. You lay in bed, having anxiety or excitement on the days to come, but its never certain. Life is never a positive, only death. I lay in my bed worrying about bills or work and never stop to think "will I even wake up tomorrow?" Because its a given. I love my life one day at a time. Ill go to work like im supposed to, ill love like im supposed to, and ill pay my taxes like im supposed to. Other then that ill live each day like I wont wake up tomorrow, but just in case I do, I do what im supposed to.


My father will never know if he will wake the next day, nor will I know. Fear of death is lossing precious life, for each time we fear we lose a bit of happiness we could have had if we only excepted what we do not understand, and we always fear what we do not understand.

In missing the memories, iv dwelled on what could have been. Stolen paradise, is what I like to call it. People will never know who or what I talk about in my memories, there mine. You will know tho, iv tried my best to stay away, because all you do is bring pain. Like a rose left on a car wind shield, if not done right will bring pain. But now I will push those deep, make my way into paradise with my love. She brings me hope, and pleasure. Not sure why she cares for a head case like me, but I love her the same. She may worry or fear for me, but ill always be hers. Although she and the others may have stole it, ill get to my paradise one day.

Id say that "walking this long road" is a hacked premise, maybe life is a triathlon...  many long challenges to face and in order to win you have to... try, haha. Yeah I like that better.

This flim maker,
this idol, this obsession,
to be like him,
better then him.

He is why I write to you, to practice.
Quentin Tarantino, if I could meet with him and speak, that would be a dream come true. But to direct a flim with him, to share a piece of his magic with me and I learn... that would be the wish of my life. I want to be better then his genius mind in flim... but thats a pipe dream. To me there is no one greater not even myself. Its not about money to me, its about people seeing my vision and sharing it with as many people as possible on a huge scale. Then one day the money will be there, till then he will just be the god in my eyes

Twisting and turning is the road, too far iv gone. Too far I have come. Why must it be so simple, yet so difficult? Simple because its this or that, difficult because you have to live with the choice.
Fame is the road I seek. Yet love is what im stuck on. Iv been down love many times, I try to stay on and I fail. I try to find the road I seek, I fail. This time, this time I will over come, I know this lovely road all too well, been down this road before.
Somewhere down the road Must choose one more time, love or fame...?
You see for both CANNOT exist.
A fear I will weather away walking aimlessly in search for what I was destined not to have in the first place.
Twisting and turning is the road I know the best. For it is my mind replaying mistakes I will never learn from.

release me from my demons, take away the pain. I'm done hurting myself, and my foes. I'm tired of being shackled, iv brought this on myself. the dark shadow that follows me, my self conscious all the wrong doings I've done. how can I forgive others when I can't forgive myself? why must I feel so low are doing nothing wrong? when does a good man become a bad man? this is many little bad things or one big bad thing? Or is it just something he was born to do? I'm tired of lying awake in my bed asking these questions. my brain won't settle down it knows too much, hopefully when I'm done punishing myself I will be absolved of my so called "sins". although I have yet to lay in bed with another *****, I still feel *****, unclean, I'm beginning to fall for another but how could I even think someone would fall for such a disgrace as myself? she looks at me and lights up like I'm the best thing on feet, my words are perfect, my intentions are good, but when I look into a mirror all I see is a broken old man in tattered slave clothes with nothing to offer anyone. if she only knew how I looked at her, the pedestal I've created, she wouldn't look at me the same she would probably walk away like everyone else. so I ask again so politely release me from my demons, please release me from myself.

This power she has over me, iv never felt anything like it. Its the best feeling iv ever had, shes magic.
I see her, I light up.
I touch her, I feel like every thing else can compare.
The kiss, kissing her is something no words can describe, incredible.
Her personality and laughter puts me through my day. How have I met someone that makes me feel so much joy in so little time..?  I scare myself due to the feelings she may not share for me. If I fall deep and shes not there with me, what shall I do? Just time to wait it out I guess because shes worth it. The beauty, life, and joy from her when I see her. Iv looked at her eyea when she sees me, I see her light up in the face with pure happiness. She says we should slow down, take things slow and make this last. I just don't know how I can, how to go slow for someone. All iv ever known is lust, the drive for ***. No feelings or caring for someone like I do for her. She makes me, make myself be better, feel better. The happiness I have now with her in my life should bring hope to all others. I just hope I dont get burned and fall too quickly and she leaves...

If you are reading this, they found me dead... im sorry. I did not take my own life, I had a terrible accident, in which iv lost my best friends, mom and dad, and the boy in which ill never meet... his name is steven jr. I died at a short lived life at 19. My mother and father will eventually forgive me for leaving. I didnt mean to leave my best friend, Robert,  alone when he needs me the most. I hope he will understand. As I watch over him and his loving son, who cares very much about him. iv been dead for 22 years now. And not a day goes by I wish I could be there for my friends and family when they begged me to come back and help them. To see my son who will never know me like I know him....

To steve.
Steve iv herd so much about you all my life, my middle name is named after you. My father, rob, misses you greatly. Hes sick... and alone. Not well in his head and im afraid that my help isnt enough anymore. He asked for you today. Your help, although I have never met you I feel I know you, from how highly dad talked about you and smiles at your memory. I hope writing this down somehow helps me help him. If hes lost, im lost. Hes suffering, he tells me he died 22 years ago inside when his hopes and dreams died. He now is empty and walks aimlessly day to day till the rest of him dies... I know he stays here because Iv Asked him to, he cant leave. Not yet, he needs to be there for my children, my wedding, he needs to be part of it, or ill have died inside too. And ill walk in fathers foot steps traveling day to day as a zombie. Help me,

Steve cowell.

Steve cowell died at age 19 in a car crash. Died on site. Moments after leaving my father Robert who was his best friend. Dad takes it on himself thinking if he had stayed longer steve would still be here.
We will never know.
It's been 22 years since he was forgotten by the world, but to the people he touched. He is still misses. "A brother he was" - robert said. Dad was an only child, and god blessed him with a friend closer then blood. He left his left as quickly as he came in, "life is a river, you will meet up qith him again when your travels get you to end" - kyle. Roberts son.

I feel like my mind is coked out and im a zombie, wandering aimlessly through this abyss we call life. Brain dead, scarred to do anything about it. There are days I feel like I could lift skyscrapers, and then there are theses days where im alone, inside dead and struggling to do anything with my life. In my head its going 300 miles an hour, but I move so slow and pathetic on the outside. The very thing that keepa me alive is whats killing me. How ironic? I had dreams and goals. High school cheerleaders I still needed to ****. **** random girls at lalapaoza. Do something epic with my friends ill never forget no matter what I put in my body... but responsibility and regret took my selfish goals and dreams out the Window. Dont pitty me, because I dont. I know I ****** myself over plenty of times due to me being a lazy *******. I still have these illusions of possibilities, of a better life. None that has me in the bathroom of my buddies house snorting death off the back of his toilet seat.  Or taking my happy meds right before some ****** looks at my girl and I beat his face in with a socket wrench. I had have to leave and jump from town to town to hide from me mind. I dont have multiple personalities... I have regretsyndrom, its ******* over the girl of your dreams with her cousin and hoping she doesn't find out. Arrogant ******* he is. Cant keep a ******* girl even if it were to save his pathetic life. He really is a ***** on the inside. The little ****** cries at the end of my girl and Charlie st cloud... but hes "hard" nothing but a wanna be... blames it on his regret for a girl... shut up dude he loved her. If he loved her we wouldnt have tryed to be with her cousin because we got bored. Whose we? You didnt say **** because you were too worried she would find out. Well she did, didnt she? Oh like you are always right... just like you thought it was a good idea to **** your step sister...? Huh? *******. Iys 9 oclock larry you need to to take your meds again... what? Answer the telephone. Larry your meds...! Answer the telephone steveie! Leave me alone. There's no Larry or Stevie here... no ringing... and I cant take medicine... go away... hello?
Well im alone again... uh great =/ come back guys...?

**** I miss you, why have you left? What have I done? This is surely a blown chance at romance and happiness. I cant help but regret the mistakes iv made. The time machine couldn't get here soon enough. I miss you, ****** I do. Just to talk to the real you, deep down inside I know you feel it too. I cry out, over and over in my head day to day... replaying the things iv done wrong... maybe it wasn't just all me, maybe you had mistakes too? Thats what helps me finally rest my head at night... lying to myself about you. Why cant I just have what I want even if I made a mistake or two? Why must my hope life be miserable due to my trouble some youth...

Help me, for I am a traveler roaming this road, troubled and worried. For my mind will not rest till I am granted my eternal sleep. Till then I roam this long road of life wondering where it will take me, and what choices I make, that make me end up at the end of my road. I am scared, worried about what my past, that paints for my future. So much so as I forget to live in the present and love with all that I am. To risk my life for a life. To cheat death again and again, and to steal the happiness that sorrow tries to take from me. For I am a lone traveler the burdens are plenty, nothing but a knapsack, a pocket book full of memories, a necklace with a cross, and determination to move forward. May some god or all powerful being guide me on my journey, to finally lay my worried head to rest. Thank you.

When did talking to the opposite *** jump straight to flirting or cheating.  If your in a relationship and your significant other wont let you even add a man or a woman on Facebook because they think you like them and are flirting and cheating on them, theyve got some issues... and on the reciprocal end of things if your single and you have a person in a relationship add you or talk to you... thats all they are gonna do until they start flirting... and you will know because you will start smiling more often talking to them then anyone else... just because you have technology now with Facebook at your fingertips dont freak out about the opposite ***. Some girls find it easier to be friends with boys then girls... mostly due to the attention they attract from them. For guys we are programmed to talk and look at woman, that being said we were rasied to be gentlemen and learned to just talk, and by that friendships happen. So calm the **** down nd learn to trust will ya?

I fight and hate my way through my days, I love and feel when I can. Im a hurtful man pent up inside my mind. No conclusions to a end. I push on, NO PAIN I tell myself. Just go harder and harder. I scream inside for attention. Im crazy, I have no reason to fight and hurt, no need of attention... all I want to do is go the distance.
no ones ever gone the distance in my family. Be someone, somebody, its not about fame or fortune. Its about persistence and never giving up to get what you want. Not having a breaking point, striving to be better then yesterday. No pain, just keep moving forward...

Till death we still wont part. For you and I an are eternal. The depths of a hell on earth wont take you from me, for your heart lies in mine and I carry it always with me. It is my most prized possession. The love is stronger then the steel that supports a 20 ton bridge. Its my inspiration to move forward in life.

You are it. My fight in the world, for someone so small in the world make my life so much more worth it.

Lies *** drugs life woman ***** respect dying love lost trouble *** smoking drunk bang theories hate cant wont music cold sweat wilpower slower apologize blonde.

Words are optional.

Love ***** with the wrong person who cant use words, But you cant blame them.

Words are optional.

Good luck and take what you will.

My heart is her heaven, day to day I watch her sleep.

I am who she trusts the most, her protector.

Although she may not know it, this is where she belongs.

Are fights are like the crushing tides to a lighthouse dock, but we do have a calm.

I love her truly through good times and bad.

She is my Lillian.

Lies and hope are toxic to a relationship as well as the past. If you bring up things that happened yesterday over and over again how will you ever move forward in your life with your partnership. Lying about the past to keep them content doesn't work nor does telling them the truth about it. Nobody likes when they find out or hear bad things about someone they fell in love with. Lying to yourself that your happy with how things are wont help either. To remove toxicity from life and love is to remove the past that got you to the point were you are now with the one you love... you have to have rainy days to enjoy sunny ones.

To the people that hurt us,
To the people that we love and trusted...
This goes out to you.

That feeling you get when you put all your eggs in one basket... fuckem.

How dare you be with me and think of another, how dare you through all of the pain and suffering I put up with, mostly your ****, dream of someone else.

We are all human and we make mistakes, so I forgive you to some point because iv been there. But to like it? To love a dream with you in there arms while with me...

You had your chance with them and you didnt last. Im with you and we barely last... you forever want to be alone?

Im done playing the victim of your games, you are so easy to point a finger, who hurt who first... are you that naive?

Please read this and tell me im wrong, a hypocrite, or have no clue as to what im talking about... the same **** you tell me and yourself just to get you through the day. This pain that I feel..

One day ill make you feel much worst, problem is, why should I hurt for loving someone like you when you cant have what you want and settle for someone like me?

Aint life a painful *****.

They say, "as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil"  for me I dont need to walk in the valley of death to fear no evil, I will only have to look in a mirror to fear it, for I am evil. I am the punishment that my enemy's have beset judgement onto me, because I can only truly be my own worst fear. A man soaked with sin and remorse longed to be free from the shackles of my father and his before him. Im outraged at the man iv become inside, so deep in hate for I am the last thing I wanted to be, fearful. The lost of my life or loved ones due to my incompetence of judgement. I fear I am lost mankind, and have failed myself and all of my dreams. For I am just a man with nothing left but words on a canvas.

Sadness when there should be joy,
To the people that try and change who I am and what I believe...
Yes I'm stubborn,
Yes I believe in a god
And I believe in what I believe because I believe it in that way.
Stop pushing on what your way is that works for you and that you think is right.... god gave us free will to choose and think freely in what we think. The bible (to unpopular belief) wasnt written by god or Jesus... but by man interpreted by man from the "words of god" which how could it be that so many religious beliefs are in Christianity...? From all over the world all at once...? A higher power god yes.. but a god in form of a man such as Jesus to prove that there is in fact a god...? If thats the case then what happened to the greek mythology of gods? Wasnt disproved... just "out dated"... back to my original thought process... stop with this ******* "im better then you because iv found god he opened my eyes and what you believe is not even close to gods eye opener"... well truth be told I put my faith and my prayers into one basket... my father. I will selfishly give my self to eternal damnation to make sure my last breath and thought would be " I hope dad is alright" and if my god cant see that act of love for someone other then myself maybe I wasn't ment for eternal paradise... to the friends that will never read this, I say to you, its not a ******* to your face persae but a I respect that you believe is right for you and I understand why you believe it that way... but if you cant respect me or how I think or what I believe... then you have no right to sit and argue the right and wrong with me and  not give me the same respect I gave you for you beliefs when I tell you mine.

As we all have someone in our lifes we love or hate... vengeance is bittersweet. Id love to go bust down the door of her house. And not **** her, but her family... to hurt her soul, like shes done mine. Have her stand there alone with nothing left but emptiness... but I cant. It would destroy me,  take my "heaven". **** maybe hell wouldnt be so bad if I got in with the right people. But im scared. I love life and my biggest fear is death. For a man with nothing, I feel I have the most to lose... myself in bitter sweet nothingness...

Im scarred for what iv done, and put to the extreme, "only god can judge me" they say.  Well I judge me, while god stares down shaking his head wondering what a **** up iv become. *** and money are my sins. I have nothing to offer a good girl but bad choices and past mistakes. We all have baggage, mine just hangs between my pants waiting to prove its self one more time. Im sick, no help, or words of motivation to change. I am who I am because I cant change. ****** up bi poler, *** crazed, schizophrenic ******* want to be ******* I am... hallelujah ******* god ******... a-*******-men

I come down from this ***** high finally,
This ****** lifestyle that I've been living,
This life is a **** hole, barely making ends meet, crazy people ******* like dialog in a tv sitcom. Oh its soo ******. Just like the girl laying ***** soaked in my bed right now.  Life is beautifully painted with sin and good intentions. In the morning I wont even address her by name, fact is I dont know it, shes a victim in my ego boost trap like the girl 45 mins before her was... Strange I dont get caught by now, guess my luck will stay till karma hits me, karma being the stripper I stole the money from out of sluttly skirt, I didnt need the money but the rush I was getting from *** just isnt    doing it for me anymore. I need a new high...

Why does it take death to miss something or someone? When I reach the end of my days I dont want to have " I should have" at the last breath I take. I want to look back and smile because of the memories and chances I took. Life should not be full of mistakes and regret.. but it is. How else do you learn? You had to make those to bad choices to see what is really in front of you. I want to know at the end of my days that I loved the deepest I could with the one who truly means the most to me, and that might not necessarily be a woman either. My father is my biggest inspiration and he know the love I carry for him is far greater then any woman I could give my heart to. That being said many have come close but I feel as though I had to make mistakes along the way and those women have gone to other, more suitable men. Life isnt a game or race to money and fame, its the journey towards love and the pursuit of our happiness.  When I reach the end of my days I should not have why at my lips or what if that girl and I...." I should have remember old man, the time of that beautiful woman at that sunset? You made a fool out of your self when you poured your little heart out to that girl who was out of your league, and she didnt care she was ready to say yes to you when you got down on bended knee, not the speech of love that followed." Then when that memory fades and the smile on my old man face is immortalized as I slip into cold death, ill have lived my journey into whatever kingdom I have made that lies ahead of me.

I fell in love with a stripper, is that wrong? society tells us that they're not even people, "oh they have diseases" "look at her shes not even smart to get a real job" well I have talked to a beautiful soul and it came from none other then a stripper... "gasp" she changed me, yeah shes a freak like me, but shes smart, out going down to earth, nice, and she likes me. Out of all the guys she chose me. Someday you have to actually get into trouble with the girl next door... I wake up, I find that my stripper is karma, that my sins indulge in more abuse to my head whilst dreaming, for I have no control. I have my own personal movie theater... I close my eyes and take in what a **** show is upon me. Am I careless to my insanity? I think not, the crazy pills only make me want more of the horniness exposure to my eye lids I drug for. My stripper, my karma, my not so in love... love.

Would if I could.
I love her, but can never have her.
She wanted the cliche lifestyle house, kids, settle down... I wanted to do what I want when I want... and now I do. She found some one to give her an ivory tower, as I sit and  watch her, would like nothing else but her. Shes not happy, I can see it in her eyes. And she can see no matter how much strange I get, money/ cars I have It wont be enough to fill the void of unhappiness. Strange isnt it? We both wanted things when we were with one another and now we have what we wanted and all we want now is each other... life is just a fickle ***** like that... you ask and shall receive... but for a price. I wonder if she still thinks about me like I think of her? I wonder if she sees that Im close by to protect her whenever she needs me... its make believe I guess. Hunny I would if I could, but your untouchable now.

Someday im gonna change,
Someday will be the day im free
Someday will be when im needed
Someday im gonna die your gonna die
Someday ill feel alive be today it isnt me
Someday you will want me for me
Someday just isnt here fast enough
                  Someday....

I had a dream about her again... she was mine like always. But something always happens in it where we are not together. Like the dream just makes me happy with what I want, taunts me, then shes gone. I mess up again like I did in life or she just disappears.  Dreams are the only thing I look forward too, bc she does come walking back into my life. " I miss the air so much, I miss my wife, its so lonely out in space, on such a timeless flight... I think its gonna be long long time, till touch down brings me around again to find, im not the man I think I am at home..." perfection and happiness is just... a dream.

We all go through little lies and false ideas throughout the day. Is it wrong? I pretend like the best of them. **** I could be an actor like no other. Not only to hide feelings and emotions from anyone, but to even lie to myself that im doing a good thing by justifying my actions. I act big and tough truth is I hate fighting, only been in a handfull and lucky my anger did most of the work. Im a coward, I fear **** near every little thing including the dark...
*** is something im good at but I have to actually get into character to last longer, to fake love, or even that she is good enough to make me ***. I say im a real man, but a real man dosnt need a plethora of women to make himself a man. A man only needs one woman to take care of, sacrifice after sacrifice. Anything she needs your there at a moment notice. No texting behind her back to flirt with a girl. No saying your at the bar or a buddy house when your actually knee deep in some strange... iv been there to all those places. I even lie about being ok to be alone. Not suicidal or anything, but with boredom comes thoughts of sadness. Im a pretender through and through.

as watch myself become infinite, the days go on by myself in the loop day in and day out the same thing over and over again sleep, work, by myself, sleep, work, alone. This infinite loop is a struggle, although I don't see myself in this loop forever, I don't know how to change it. I know where I want to be, I know what I can be, it's the motivation I don't know how to grasp.to whom that is reading this I have a question to ask you. Have you ever seen a TV show called Californication? The main character is named Hank Moody, is a writer alone in LA, with a daughter, chasing after his ex, who runs into the arms someone she cheated for. He can't write, he has no aspirations, no motivation. but we watch as he drowns himself in smoke, *****, and alcohol. It's so entertaining to the viewer because he is a walking case of misery and self-loathing. It makes ourselves seem like our lives are so much better, When they're really not. the strange thing is I see myself becoming Hank Moody and not the viewer, I get excited over new ***** but it doesn't fill the hole that I had for another. So my life becomes an endless loop. Work, sleep, ****, drink, alone, repeat.
infinite.