As we all have someone in our lifes we love or hate... vengeance is bittersweet. Id love to go bust down the door of her house. And not **** her, but her family... to hurt her soul, like shes done mine. Have her stand there alone with nothing left but emptiness... but I cant. It would destroy me,  take my "heaven". **** maybe hell wouldnt be so bad if I got in with the right people. But im scared. I love life and my biggest fear is death. For a man with nothing, I feel I have the most to lose... myself in bitter sweet nothingness...

I picked her out of a crowd full of beautiful flowers, but I picked her.

She was perfect for me, till the day I thought I needed more, wanted more.

Id look at other pretty flowers, even picked a few, but none still matched the beauty, and playful pedal dance as my wildflower.

Now that iv set her down she has found another's eyes to take in all her beauty...

This is what you get when you think the flowers are better on the other side of the fence.

Im sorry it's too late to apologize my wildflower, lilly.

Lies and hope are toxic to a relationship as well as the past. If you bring up things that happened yesterday over and over again how will you ever move forward in your life with your partnership. Lying about the past to keep them content doesn't work nor does telling them the truth about it. Nobody likes when they find out or hear bad things about someone they fell in love with. Lying to yourself that your happy with how things are wont help either. To remove toxicity from life and love is to remove the past that got you to the point were you are now with the one you love... you have to have rainy days to enjoy sunny ones.

Flew to close to the sky.
Yet again her rejection will never die.

Like the clash, should I stay or should I go?
Her guessing may not be worth it, ya know?

Two weeks and your gone like that,
Two weeks your feeling went splat.

One day is not enough to make a decision,
Nothing left now but division..

Separate ways from here on out.
Feelings rage, makes me shout.

This is where I end things.

I write to add promise to myself, that one day, after enough practice ill truly become a great writer.. This goal is only obtained by hours and hours of beating on my craft. The same standards I hold for my writing I hold for my life, and mainly my relationships, I will fail, but thats only a step in the right direction for success. I never give up on my dreams and I never give up on a relationship. Even when times are tough, that struggle builds us stronger together, and over time we will succeed! A drive for a couple is required to live a long wonderful life. Fights happen, people do change and life gets harder but if you make a relationship or marriage a team work, balance off of each others strength and weakness, help and not put down... Any thing is possible, but you have to believe in yourself and your love companion to stand there at the ends of days and look at them and say, we did it, it was hard and tough but the harder the work, the sweeter the victory.

Iv been there for you
Iv been tough for you
Iv been happiness for you
Iv been caring for you
Iv been you for you, when you couldn't be you.

Iv been everything for you..

But iv also been

Alone
Sad
Depressed
Hurtful
Angry
Watching you hurt yourself, ruin your self crying out for help from everyone but me like I was never there, taken for granted and you couldnt care less.

I just want to love you, but if it isnt right, what can I do?

People are *******
Love is *******
Finding people to hangout with is *******.

Everyones busy with Netflix is *******
Being bored on a beautiful day is *******
Life now a days is complete *******.

Pain is a beautiful thing, isnt it?
In pain we achieve a higher mind set of life, such as "I will never do that again". False, you will till you stop feeling pain.
Remember that time you confused love, with a life lesson?

Pain is power, it can create body builders and models. Pain *****, to feel for someone who doesnt feel the same way.
Pain is loves opposite, not hate.  Pain is that same deep hurt of emotional stress that interferes in everyday life, such as love.  

The after math of love, or even liking someone causes a pain that flows through you like boiling blood, nothing can take your mind off it.

I fell in love with a stripper, is that wrong? society tells us that they're not even people, "oh they have diseases" "look at her shes not even smart to get a real job" well I have talked to a beautiful soul and it came from none other then a stripper... "gasp" she changed me, yeah shes a freak like me, but shes smart, out going down to earth, nice, and she likes me. Out of all the guys she chose me. Someday you have to actually get into trouble with the girl next door... I wake up, I find that my stripper is karma, that my sins indulge in more abuse to my head whilst dreaming, for I have no control. I have my own personal movie theater... I close my eyes and take in what a **** show is upon me. Am I careless to my insanity? I think not, the crazy pills only make me want more of the horniness exposure to my eye lids I drug for. My stripper, my karma, my not so in love... love.

Someday im gonna change,
Someday will be the day im free
Someday will be when im needed
Someday im gonna die your gonna die
Someday ill feel alive be today it isnt me
Someday you will want me for me
Someday just isnt here fast enough
                  Someday....

Sadness when there should be joy,
To the people that try and change who I am and what I believe...
Yes I'm stubborn,
Yes I believe in a god
And I believe in what I believe because I believe it in that way.
Stop pushing on what your way is that works for you and that you think is right.... god gave us free will to choose and think freely in what we think. The bible (to unpopular belief) wasnt written by god or Jesus... but by man interpreted by man from the "words of god" which how could it be that so many religious beliefs are in Christianity...? From all over the world all at once...? A higher power god yes.. but a god in form of a man such as Jesus to prove that there is in fact a god...? If thats the case then what happened to the greek mythology of gods? Wasnt disproved... just "out dated"... back to my original thought process... stop with this ******* "im better then you because iv found god he opened my eyes and what you believe is not even close to gods eye opener"... well truth be told I put my faith and my prayers into one basket... my father. I will selfishly give my self to eternal damnation to make sure my last breath and thought would be " I hope dad is alright" and if my god cant see that act of love for someone other then myself maybe I wasn't ment for eternal paradise... to the friends that will never read this, I say to you, its not a ******* to your face persae but a I respect that you believe is right for you and I understand why you believe it that way... but if you cant respect me or how I think or what I believe... then you have no right to sit and argue the right and wrong with me and  not give me the same respect I gave you for you beliefs when I tell you mine.

I want you to be the reason I listen to love songs again.

I want you to be the one I say cute pet names to.

Did you know iv been wanting you?

I want you to be the one I come home to.

I want you to be the Juliet to my Romeo.
(with out the ****** suicide part)

But im not gonna buy your love.

I wont change myself to be what you want.

I like you just the way you are.

I just want you to be the reason I listen to love songs again.

They Say the Grim Reaper collects death, but he harvests the soul to a better place, if theres anything left to save and harvest...
The body will carry on, but that motivation, the man behind the machine can die long before the body does.

I am whats considered a black Dracula, a man with out a purpose to **** the dark lifeless soul out of a body, the part thats left before I drain all hope for a future.

My job is to make the people around me, friends, family, associates alike happy and comfortable in the way life is, while slowly putting down there hopes and dreams.

The sun is not my enemy, nor a wooden spike, but a hard life lesson on pain amd broken heart.  Im not pale to the sunlight, I blend right in, I walk among you, showing you everything is beautiful in this world, so a hope of an afterlife, paradise of the heavens, is lost to the cavities of your mind.

My broken heart drives me to this madness, numb is my body, but fresh and limber is the pain of a broken heart that still lingers.

My monster inside has consumed me, but I write this as a warning for all to read, to save yourself one last chance at happiness.
  
Love her unconditionally.
        
Respect her for every little strain of         her life she can produce.
            
Her beauty only matters on the inside for it is ageless.

Cheating on the one you love never goes away with time.

Her eyes will haunt your dreams, your memories, and your life, till the black Dracula consumes you too.

Be good to her always, fights, loss, and loving moment's, she is yours to take care of forever.

Lastly.. You only get on life to live with a great loving woman, dont spoil or settle for less because you cant handle her beautiful flaws that set her apart from everyone else.

I use the rage to fuel my fire
I think about my past desire

Despite my love gone lost
It pains me with such cost

I fuel my fire with images of us
I remember all the pain and mistrust

Despite my pretentious past
The dumb bells in my hands, I grasp.

I workout to my own tune.
I'll leave you behind, like apple left zune.

She's a wild fire.
Can't be stopped.
Free and forever wild.
Bright yet frightening.
Conquers anything she touches.

I was drawn to her like a moth.
You want to tame her
But you take away what you love the most about her if you do..

Sitting at a bar, beautiful girl in front of me.
Im a no body not even a regular, I chat her up anyway with no confidence....
Boy friend, should have guessed, oh well talk to her anyway, make a name for myself.
Guys walk in at the end of the bar, slowly take her away from me.
I walk away with shame, what was I hoping for?
No good for anyone anyway, too beautiful for me.
With a soft smile and a black hat, as I walk away I look over my shoulder to something that could have been.
Too late, not enough umph..
Tomorrow's another day, another let down.

I come down from this ***** high finally,
This ****** lifestyle that I've been living,
This life is a **** hole, barely making ends meet, crazy people ******* like dialog in a tv sitcom. Oh its soo ******. Just like the girl laying ***** soaked in my bed right now.  Life is beautifully painted with sin and good intentions. In the morning I wont even address her by name, fact is I dont know it, shes a victim in my ego boost trap like the girl 45 mins before her was... Strange I dont get caught by now, guess my luck will stay till karma hits me, karma being the stripper I stole the money from out of sluttly skirt, I didnt need the money but the rush I was getting from *** just isnt    doing it for me anymore. I need a new high...

My insecurities are like rain drops in a storm.
Little pieces of of random sharp pains that's together are troublesome, but I endure it for you.

The pain and stress of getting close to you builds up all the reasons why iv never been good enough for anyone before, before you.

I want to show you and tell you all the affection. I have, but I wait. For if I do tell, you will have all the power over me, and for one person to have all that power over someone is dangerous.

Love is an abyss filled with fire.
Ever growing, bright yet destructive.
Hope with equal amounts of loss.

Help me, for I am a traveler roaming this road, troubled and worried. For my mind will not rest till I am granted my eternal sleep. Till then I roam this long road of life wondering where it will take me, and what choices I make, that make me end up at the end of my road. I am scared, worried about what my past, that paints for my future. So much so as I forget to live in the present and love with all that I am. To risk my life for a life. To cheat death again and again, and to steal the happiness that sorrow tries to take from me. For I am a lone traveler the burdens are plenty, nothing but a knapsack, a pocket book full of memories, a necklace with a cross, and determination to move forward. May some god or all powerful being guide me on my journey, to finally lay my worried head to rest. Thank you.

You pull me in close at night like you never left, its beautiful, and you feel the happiness too.
Come morning your mind fills with regret, your heart became weak in the night, longing for escape from the loneliness.
I call, you show, we talked, I kissed, we held each other, my heart reconnected to its other half, a feeling of warmth and completeness rushes over my body like a river over the rock bottom, I made love to you in my most true form, ego and self righteous set aside for you, to take me how I am.
Your morning text, tells a different story, forbidden love, you call it. A rush of passion due to us never to be together.
you need to find yourself and I am no longer a plan for your future. I know what I feel, and I know you feel it too... Ill hurt myself steping into your fire again and again, to prove that you belong with me. I would think the night was a dream, but you left yourself here, a bobby pin, something so small to prove to me that you and I are real. Soon ill be impervious to your pain, and you will stop hiding and running from your feelings,  this jackal you have become will hide no more.

We all go through little lies and false ideas throughout the day. Is it wrong? I pretend like the best of them. **** I could be an actor like no other. Not only to hide feelings and emotions from anyone, but to even lie to myself that im doing a good thing by justifying my actions. I act big and tough truth is I hate fighting, only been in a handfull and lucky my anger did most of the work. Im a coward, I fear **** near every little thing including the dark...
*** is something im good at but I have to actually get into character to last longer, to fake love, or even that she is good enough to make me ***. I say im a real man, but a real man dosnt need a plethora of women to make himself a man. A man only needs one woman to take care of, sacrifice after sacrifice. Anything she needs your there at a moment notice. No texting behind her back to flirt with a girl. No saying your at the bar or a buddy house when your actually knee deep in some strange... iv been there to all those places. I even lie about being ok to be alone. Not suicidal or anything, but with boredom comes thoughts of sadness. Im a pretender through and through.

Id say that "walking this long road" is a hacked premise, maybe life is a triathlon...  many long challenges to face and in order to win you have to... try, haha. Yeah I like that better.

They will not know when im gone, if they call or text and I dont reply they would simply think im busy, not dead. "No, he would never do that, he is such a happy man." No im not! I am not happy, I am capable to inflict such horror upon myself. They would drop to there knees and gasp as they saw my body. Maybe I didnt do it myself, maybe others did it to me. But the impact is all the same. Why does it take a death or a loss to awaken ones eyes. To truly see the beauty of ones soul, as it passes gentle and free through the room and out to the unknown. As judgmental eyes gaze upon the dead, speaking only of a waste of life this is, gone too soon, (tear after tear shed) BLAH BLAH BLAH! Enough! If you had any common sense you would know to cherish the life that stands before you. yes, iv made mistakes along the way but never anything like that! To cheat on you? With filth like that? Its a crime just to mutter the words! How dare you.
But. Nevertheless, what is done is done, if I go mad in the few short weeks, they would never know. Would you be at the crime scene? Or the funeral?

"Today's the day I walk away" I tell myself as I drive to work.
"Let it be over, and be happy" I repeat to myself.

I say these things to convince myself not to think of her, so i dont spend every waking second checking my phone for a lousy text from her, like It would be my honor to receive a reply.

"**** um, I dont care, I am happy" as I get half way though my depressing work day.

No text, still. It's about 30 minutes to punch out and im finally over her, iv accepted her not responding and by this time im so ****** that if she did respond, I wont even bother with it.

            PUNCH

I walk out the door to my car

vib vib  vib vib
             Check
"hey wanna come over?"

And like the ******* I am, I don't even think twice about it, I rush home to change, I rush over to see her.

Shes like my drug dealer, she knows how to cheer me up with any one of her moods as if they were a drug.

Problem is, after I leave I want more and more, and become more disappointed than I was before.

"Please just let it be over..." as I drive home to collect my thoughts and depression sinks in more. God im too stubborn to walk away.

Vague blows to my mind
Memories make me unkind
Bitter and shallow to the core
All this laying in bed has made me sore

shameless ***
With strangers just met
fulling a void just isn't the same
Without our conversations to keep me sane.

Struggling with hello
Picture you wearing those stilettos
Holding the pillow at night
Isnt you gripping me tight

a wolf in sheeps clothing
Turns into a sheep with self loathing
wolf inside frightened to see light
Future Looking dim and bleak, losing sight.

I may not live alone, but no one knows where I go, when I go there.

If i were to have a heart attack, or struck by a car, how long would it take for people to find me?

how would anyone know it was me, other then my drivers license?

I don't know if I can stomach my parents or friends coming across my mangled or burned body to claim that it's me.

My deepest fear is that I die and no one remembers me, or I die and not recovered for quite some time...

I hate being alone, and no one to think of me, no one to care till im gone.
I play life on the safe side just in case...
I dont know why I bable to this site..
Maybe I figure strangers will listen over the people I think about..

If you are reading this, they found me dead... im sorry. I did not take my own life, I had a terrible accident, in which iv lost my best friends, mom and dad, and the boy in which ill never meet... his name is steven jr. I died at a short lived life at 19. My mother and father will eventually forgive me for leaving. I didnt mean to leave my best friend, Robert,  alone when he needs me the most. I hope he will understand. As I watch over him and his loving son, who cares very much about him. iv been dead for 22 years now. And not a day goes by I wish I could be there for my friends and family when they begged me to come back and help them. To see my son who will never know me like I know him....

To steve.
Steve iv herd so much about you all my life, my middle name is named after you. My father, rob, misses you greatly. Hes sick... and alone. Not well in his head and im afraid that my help isnt enough anymore. He asked for you today. Your help, although I have never met you I feel I know you, from how highly dad talked about you and smiles at your memory. I hope writing this down somehow helps me help him. If hes lost, im lost. Hes suffering, he tells me he died 22 years ago inside when his hopes and dreams died. He now is empty and walks aimlessly day to day till the rest of him dies... I know he stays here because Iv Asked him to, he cant leave. Not yet, he needs to be there for my children, my wedding, he needs to be part of it, or ill have died inside too. And ill walk in fathers foot steps traveling day to day as a zombie. Help me,

Steve cowell.

Steve cowell died at age 19 in a car crash. Died on site. Moments after leaving my father Robert who was his best friend. Dad takes it on himself thinking if he had stayed longer steve would still be here.
We will never know.
It's been 22 years since he was forgotten by the world, but to the people he touched. He is still misses. "A brother he was" - robert said. Dad was an only child, and god blessed him with a friend closer then blood. He left his left as quickly as he came in, "life is a river, you will meet up qith him again when your travels get you to end" - kyle. Roberts son.

Comes into my room as quick as light. Love.
Turned on with no fright.
Laughing and loving not a care in the world. In my arms you curled.

Strange feelings set the mood.
My love you feel the need to elude.
Now in a flash have you changed.
Somehow your feelings towards me have rearranged.    Selfish

Struggling to keep you gripped tight.
You tell me it's not right.
I sit here telling myself its not over,
Fearing the worst you let me cry on your shoulder.

No words to be said
Just tears  I have shed
I stand, sit, lie down as I plead
Asking every explanation I can bleed

Crushing blows I take away
Fire to darkness you play
Your light flickers in my heart as I twitch
You're unpredictable like a light switch...

I try to help, but cant.
I try making her happy, useless.
I think about long walks down the road,  endless talks, giggling and goofing but its too late.
I think about just making her smile like I used to, but cant, nothing to smile about any more.
Im worried because she is worried.
Im sad and depressed, because she is sad and depressed.

But...
she doesn't notice the good times like I do.
The smiles I get from her,
The love I embrace from her,
The joy I get from her,
The life I live... Because of her.
             I know im a disappointment
That im broken
In debt
Joy *******
Lazy
Arrogant
Stubborn
Grouchy
Selfish
....boyfriend that only really asks to have you sleep next to me in the bed because having your beautiful smile to wake up to, makes it all worth it.
I love you, and all that you do for me. Im sorry im this way, but believe me when I say I try baby, im still trying and ill never give up, im sorry you fell in love with...
A broken man.

Im scarred for what iv done, and put to the extreme, "only god can judge me" they say.  Well I judge me, while god stares down shaking his head wondering what a **** up iv become. *** and money are my sins. I have nothing to offer a good girl but bad choices and past mistakes. We all have baggage, mine just hangs between my pants waiting to prove its self one more time. Im sick, no help, or words of motivation to change. I am who I am because I cant change. ****** up bi poler, *** crazed, schizophrenic ******* want to be ******* I am... hallelujah ******* god ******... a-*******-men

They say, "as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil"  for me I dont need to walk in the valley of death to fear no evil, I will only have to look in a mirror to fear it, for I am evil. I am the punishment that my enemy's have beset judgement onto me, because I can only truly be my own worst fear. A man soaked with sin and remorse longed to be free from the shackles of my father and his before him. Im outraged at the man iv become inside, so deep in hate for I am the last thing I wanted to be, fearful. The lost of my life or loved ones due to my incompetence of judgement. I fear I am lost mankind, and have failed myself and all of my dreams. For I am just a man with nothing left but words on a canvas.

As I drown in a sea of *****, I reach for love with every breath. But when I had love I missed the woman and awkward mornings, I crave so very much. The grass was greener but after I stopped giving it the emotions and fuel to be green it died like the relationship I got out of. I want what I cant have. We are so tech prone I can get a girl like I can get pizza... one call and 15 mins later I have some hot piece at my door ready... without any effort.  Why try? Why do dates, hold hands, love? When I can feel all those emotions in one night cuddle if need be and not worry about fights or drama... but I still seem empty inside... am I really my own worst enemy? Is my Achilles heel inside? My heart, only touched by ones I can barely choose to let close? Or is it all just noise.

The light beams down from the heavens, but they do not shine there grace on me.
Shackled by the mistakes iv made, careless in the dark, so I can be punished with never seeing the light again.
I miss her
I miss what I once was.
I was unfaithful
A lier
A cheater.
Who would dare want a broken man knowing the truth like that.
Im  foolish to think I had any chance, or hope..
Shes too perfect for me, not her beauty, no. Her soul when it touchs mine.
We danced, and sang in the car.
We played in a shopping market.
Kids finally living a happy life smiling and joyfully loving.
Then...
I bow my head, darkness gathers, a grave mistake takes place again and a again.
Now iv told her, I accept my paradise lost.

You showed me one of your most beautiful creatures you ever made. The most caring and compassionate woman I've ever met. What do i do? I go and squander it. It's always been about a girl... Its what pulls my heart strings and gives me hope. I guess thats the root of my problems... abandonment issues more or less. I seek beautiful, lovely, smart and caring women and I chase them away. I know im not good enough to keep them, so, I make a reason for them to leave. I cry out to the lonely voice in the sky for advice or guidance, and I feel more lost then ever.

He made love to her,
Passionate love.
Lust was endless,
Love was infinite and renewable.
All fear, all stress and heart ache left their bodies briefly.
The sweat from their love fell on each other like tear drops.
This kind of passionate love comes from ones soul, a pure and truly beautiful passion....

The literal *******.

I find myself not caring about anyone or anything, just what she is doing.

Days like today and nights like these are the worst.

I can't stand day dreams of you anymore. All I want is to talk to you.
See how your doing.

My only regrets were lustful thoughts and being too young to recognize what love is.

I had a woman who I thought ignored my beast like shell and saw the Prince I was on the inside, as I called her my beauty; *now my meloncoly heart must break all over again longing for the day when she comes back to me.

We both were hurting.
We both made mistakes out of anger to get the others attention.
We both fell apart.

Im happy most days now, although you still are in my head every waking minute and every unconscious second.

You were confident and I had to have it.
You are enjoyable just to be around.
Im starting to want you in my life just a little bit then not at all.

I miss you and me, us.

You lay here in bed thinking you will always be here, till the day you die. You lay in bed, having anxiety or excitement on the days to come, but its never certain. Life is never a positive, only death. I lay in my bed worrying about bills or work and never stop to think "will I even wake up tomorrow?" Because its a given. I love my life one day at a time. Ill go to work like im supposed to, ill love like im supposed to, and ill pay my taxes like im supposed to. Other then that ill live each day like I wont wake up tomorrow, but just in case I do, I do what im supposed to.


My father will never know if he will wake the next day, nor will I know. Fear of death is lossing precious life, for each time we fear we lose a bit of happiness we could have had if we only excepted what we do not understand, and we always fear what we do not understand.

I guess I havent found what women want yet, because its certainly not..

Being there for them.

Telling them how pretty or beautiful they look.

Caring for them.

Go out of your way to do things for them.

Enjoy talking to them about anything.

....and above all, it's not being nice at all...

I think she is perfect, because in my mind it says so, it says follow her because she will take you places. She will make your wildest dreams come true and experience life, so go, follow her till you cant no longer.

But, if she wont let me do these things and follow she will be lost in this abyss.

The feeling I get looking at the moon on a quite night, reminds me of you.
Something about star gazing and hoping to see a shooting star to change it all.

Feel the gentle wind kiss my face like you would in the morning.

The sparkling night sky light up with all the vibrant stars remind me of the looks you would give with those innocent eyes.

Sitting with you in our spot on top of the world as if death was in our control, our finger tips.

Many times I think of going back there in hopes to see you, I stay away of course.

Looking to the sky for answers,
Vast and ever growing, constantly changing around us with out us ever noticing, too busy looking down at our phones or around us trying to bump into the next ****, rush, or release to escape our ignorance.
Here it is always watching, innocent and waiting to have the attention it deserves such as I seek attention from you.