I didn't know that a girl could trigger all these feelings.

And I'm thinking of you -
while studying maths -
I wanna say hi,
but it will just make things harder to bear,
as I realise you've finally moved on...

And well,
*I haven't.

I didn't know I loved you so much
That waiting for your messages is currently the worst form of torture for me.

Some people are fit enough for the challenges love brings,
I guess I'm just not one of them.

I only realise now
After nearly a thousand poems
That with every poem
I write
I give away a part of me.

Even the lips of this bottle remind me of yours.

I can't get her off my mind,
Which is making it hard for me to unwind.

**But is she on your mind,
Or your heart - boy that claims to be kind?
The answer, you and only you, can find.

I want you,
what are you talkin 'bout?
I can't forget you,
you're all I think about.

You can feel it,
I know you do,
the chemistry,
it's undeniable -
the intense gaze,
our eyes locked
forever.
We're capable of fixing it -
we just need to rewind.

First it was talking,
then kissing,
and soon later ******* -
but now it's nothing.

Nothing...
Let's go back to square one,
you know we can:
Let's just go back to talking...

They say I should let go,
but I can't.
my heart is
dangling on a string,
attached to your angel wings.
So, my heart is
always with you,
angel.

I'll shut you out,
because I love you.

I'll keep you away,
When I can't keep my thoughts at bay -
because I love you.

I won't call you up,
I won't let you worry -
or even know
that I'm descending
into a dark pit -
because I love you.

I'll fight them on my own,
I'll defeat them for us -
but,
I'll make sure that you're not a spectator,
of the gory battles I seldom fight -
because I love you.

Sometimes,
I get cold as I lay in my bed -
And it hurts a lot...
Not being cold,
But the thoughts that my heart whispers to my mind.

Babe,
It's so lonely on those cold nights,
And I can't help but fantasise about wrapping my arms around your waist,
Whispering nonsensical confessions of love into your ear because my heart rate is too high, thus I can't sleep.
And resting my head on your shoulders and curling my body around yours when your warmth finally calms me down and your complaints ward off my attempts to irritate you.

Baby I wanna cuddle with you right now -
But it hurts having these thoughts,
Because you're not here
And well,
You're not mine...

I thought I was doing what's best for her...
But I'm also doing what's worse for me.

Me:"Smile, smile, smile, smile, smile!
WHY WON'T YOU ******* SMILE?!"

*Mirror:"Because there's no reason to smile."

So,
I'm toiling,
Everyday,
For
What again?

Love?
Changing people's lives?
Making mom and dad proud?
Raising children one day?

So,
I'm toiling everyday,
Aiming for high grades,
For what?

Mundane things...
Experiences that are not compulsory...

I'm working hard,
For what?

My heart says it's you, my love,
It says it's your arms,
And your lips,
And your body,
And your voice.

My mind says it's all for nothing
And it's stupid...

But guess what?
My heart's beating is way louder than my brains thinking.

"Home is where the heart is",
So... Ummm... My home are her hands?

I think I realise why gentlemen say,
"ladies first"
And wait at the door and permit women to go in before them.

*So that they can get a rear view of their assets!

Goodnight,
That's all I said,
Because fear was stronger than my mind's might...
For in reality, I wished to be in your bed.

Relax, ***** minded beauty,
I wished you were sound asleep in my arms...
Because I knew when you're sleeping you'd be more than a cutie
And the comfort of my arms would keep you out of the way of Harm's.

I was so desperate to cuddle with you,
To close the distance that's making me blue,
That I was contemplating pulling a Romeo:
Climbing up your balcony just to serenade you.

But I guess I was too scared,
That you'd be surprised by how much I cared.

Sound-blocking headphones are the greatest invention known to teenage boy.

Dear heart,
Shut up,
So that I can sleep,
Please.

I feel helpless,
I don't know what to do,
how to get rid of this sad feeling :
I feel helpless...

He sat there and stared at her,
Not in a creepy way -
She just made him think, that's all,
Think about why the kind of love he wanted seemed to be strange...for a teenager.

You see,
Everyone his age makes it sound like you only date a girl to get blow jobs and **** her and have ***.
That's all they talk about,
And also making out and groping ***** and ***.

But to him,
Love isn't that,
Love is cuddling,
Holding your girl close and telling her she's beautiful,
Love is trying to make her laugh and turning down every compliment she gives you with, "Don't forget that I'm also very stupid."
Love is never letting her leave you without telling her you love her.
Love is taking walks and holding hands,
And whispering thoughts and kisses on the cheek.
Love is being innocent 90% of the time, but using your other head 10% of the time.
To him,
That's what love is - contradictory to the opinions of all his peers.

That girl he's staring at,
He loves her,
He doesn't imagine getting a ******* or ******* from her,
He can't - but it's not like he'd turn her down if she wanted to -
He can't imagine having *** with her,
He's too scared of pressuring her into doing it if she doesn't want to...
The kind of love that his heart beats for is the innocent kind,
The one where cute little memories are made,
Where there's less kissing and ******* and more talking and laughing and heart-to-heart's,
The kind of love he wants seems to be weird for a teenage boy,
So he stares at her,
Wondering if she would like a guy like him -
That's just him and love,
Love makes him weird...
His kind of love is weird.

*Is that the kind of love she wants?

You know, I thought I had an idea of love,
an idea of things I would do with my first proper girlfriend,
and it went like this:

Telling her she's beautiful everyday,
writing poems for her as often as I can and reciting them to her.
Pulling that studying line : where I tell her I need help studying, but all I want is to make out on my bed.
Trying to make her laugh as often as I can, just so I can see her smile.
Confiding in her.
Holding her close when she cries,
holding her hand and tightening my grip when she's staring at another guy.
Making out with her under the stars,
telling her my life story and my daily struggles.
Treating her like a queen without expecting a king-like treatment in return.
Telling her that I love her as often as I can,
spontaneously asking her for walks or dates, just because texting or skype doesn't cut it for me.
Teasing her,
tickling her,
hugging her,
pleasing her,
kissing her...

The list goes on... but now I realise that all this just proves I am a hopeless romantic and that relationships won't be as easy and flowery and romantic as I've always thought.

If you really love me,
you'd still cradle that flame -
even though all I do is hurt you -
you'd stay optimistic,
because loving me includes understanding me...

And if you understand me,
you'd know that I bring pain,
no matter how hard I try
and I distance myself from you,
to protect you.

I don't know how we got here...

I'll be honest,
I'm sorry that we're always fighting,
That we don't see eye to eye no more,
And that twinkle in your eye is gone -
I'm sorry,
That our love is withering.

I'll be honest,
I miss when things were rosy,
When you and I just made each other blush,
And our lips were inseparable;
When my hands couldn't keep away from your soft skin,
And we were acting lovey-dovey, ignoring the unrequested attention of wandering eyes.

I'm scared, when you scream and yell,
I'm heartbroken, when you cry because of me,
I'm debilitated, when you won't let me hold you,
I'm stunned, when you don't accept my apology.

I miss,
When you and I,
Didn't care much about the label,
We were good friends that's what we said...
But soon later you wanted more:
And you got it...

Then
"We",
Started becoming an underused word,
The bonds formed by mischevious nights
Shamelessly crying on one another's shoulders,
And divulging of blackmail-worthy, jaw-dropping secrets,
Starter weakening, separating...

Is there any possibility that things will get rosy again?
That you'll stop getting mad at me and I'll stop hurting you?
Is there a chance, just a slight chance,
That the girl I fell in love with will come back...
Or, have we... Have I killed her?

I'm so sorry that I'm a coward,
Sorry that I'm scared of telling you what's going on in my head,
(or heart)
I'm so sorry that I'm too scared to tell you that you're cute
Or tell you that I want to hold you tight so that you sleep nicely.
I'm so sorry that I'm a coward,
Holding back my feelings for you...
But I guess that's who I am,
A coward -
I hope you can see beyond my cowardice,
Is a little candle,
That burns brightly because my love for you fuels it...
And it gets warmer and brighter each time you say hi.

Hey, love
I'm sorry if I hurt you -
if it means anything, I still think of you,
every time I wake and before I sleep.
But, I can't tell you how I feel,
for I know it's the last thing you want,
so whenever you ask how I'm doing,
I'll always reply with,
"I'm fine/good"
and never,
"I don't know, I'm kinda missing you a lot and regret what I did greatly..."

But I know one thing:
If I had enough skill,
To accurately depict your face
Using paint brushes,
I'd instantly become a world renowned artist...
For creating a masterpiece that trumps the Mona Lisa.

I'm probably that page in your love story that you'd refrain from sharing with friends.

I'm tired,
wish you'd wrap your arms around me,
or offer your chest or lap for me to rest my head upon -
I'm tired,
but I can only sleep if you're here.

You know you're ******* when almost everything she says is cute.

I ponder your reaction -
Your ****** expression,
The words that would escape your lips
If you don't become dumbfounded,
Your body language,
The tone of your voice -
If you knew that
Your name
Was meant to be in the place
Of the numerous
You's in the love poems,
That my heart and mind
Collaborated on.

Sometimes I lay on my bed,
When you lie asleep,
Makes me hate the timezones more and more -
But it allows me to think about you more and more.

I lay there and I dream of meeting you love,
I dream of kissing you the first time our eyes actually meet,
Of holding you tight.
I dream of the taste of your tongue,
Feeling the heat energy given off by your face when I remind you you're beautiful.

I dream of holding you tight
And whispering some ***** things into your ear,
Then you know exactly what I'm insinuating because you'll act uncomfortable.
I wonder what will happen,
Would you give me a church girl's response?
Would you act shy and tell me that you're only doing it for me.
Or would you just grab me,
And tell me by the means of your caresses that you want to...

I wonder if you'll mind,
Mind me and my desires...
Would you give yourself to me wholeheartedly or would you rethink our relationship?
I wonder if you would be mad at me if I forced my lips onto yours in public.
I wonder if you'd be submissive to me, or maybe you'd be the one making demands, begging me to kiss you, give you massages, or just to hold you because you want me closer.
I wonder if you're like me,
One who gets tired of hearing confessions
And just wants to feel loved in another way - by another way, I mean I want you to taunt my pleasure receptors.

I want your skin on mine,
I want to feel you exhale upon my skin...
I just want you,
A lot...

Sometimes I just want you to say,
"I'm yours"
Really, I want you to say it.

Maybe you have said it,
But I'd like to hear it again
Please use "my" in front of your pet names for me,
Really, I long to hear those words -
But if it's too much that I'm asking for, I understand...

And I hope you like being mine.

I'm sorry, I sound so pathetic,
But babe, I like you a lot,
Would like you to like me a lot too...
I hope my stupid sensitivity - cries for loving words - isn't appalling to you,
I hope not, but this is how I feel :
I want you to call me yours...

Cupid,
Before valentine's day is over,
Please impale my broken heart with your arrow,
So that my heart can think of someone else,
Because it's not nice to think of someone you lost.

I think it's safe to say that when motivation runs low,
You've lost yourself.

At times i want to tell you
That i want you back...
I want you to tell me that I'm not alone - that you want me too.

I want to tell you that all that  i told you wasn't a lie.
I do love you and that's making things hard.
I do want to hold you tight.
I do want to kiss you on your ear after telling you how the sun can't compete with your beauty.

But i also told you that as long as you're happy...I'm happy, i guess that was lie :
I want you to be happy with me, love.

I know of a cute girl,
Who could be the cutest murderer ever -
Because her words are lethal to my weak emotional mind,
And they are somehow make my heart bleed.
To live for another day is what I always plead,
Well aware that if she keeps going I'd die with the biggest grin on my face.
Her sweet sweet words are what I desire, but, they're also Death's ace.
"Everything to moderation" my dad's voice yells in my head -
But how can I determine moderate
When I'm gorging on words that make me higher than ****...
And now, from my negative thoughts and low self-esteem, I'm temporarily freed.
But, to be honest,
I don't mind if I'm her first victim...
Because after my brain's gone erratic from spiked dopamine levels
I'd make sure to share a joke with the Grim Reaper -
Before he flashes his deadth-inflicting scythe at me
And takes me to meet my creator.

Hey, Mr nice guy,
Watch it:
That smile of hers,
Her words;
Mr nice guy,
Don't play dumb...
It's obvious,
She fancies you :
Be careful what you say!

I know her voice is cute, but don't tell her,
I know she's funny, but don't tell her you like her because of that,
I know her smile is absolutely breathtaking... But do not tell her that!
Mr nice guy, be careful,
Cautious,
Wary...
Do not lead her on.

You know there's a chance that you just like her for her looks,
You know that you don't know what love is.
So calm down,
Don't let her compliments get to you.
Don't let her cuteness get to you...
Relax and keep the kind words on a leash.

Mr nice guy
Don't lead her on,
Get to know her first,
Don't reveal your feelings yet -
Until you confirm their verity.
So :
Relax,
Inhale,
Exhale,
Blink twice.
You're only friends for now,
*Don't say something you'll regret!

Love is amazing
Heartbreak is ******,
Loneliness is simply depressing.

Since I'm falling,
I decided to admire the scenery around me--
Since there is nothing I can do to prevent it from happening...
It's true that I don't want to be here--
But look at how bright the orange sun shines,
It's absolutely breathtaking the way it paints the clouds a lovely orange shade.
I mean, I don't want to fall for her,
I don't want to fall in love--
Man, Autumn leaves are something else, right?
They just look beautiful. I love the way conifers look when they are dressed in red, green and yellow leaves.
Where was I?
Yeah, I don't want to fall for her,
Because I'm scared I'll fall out of love,
Or,
I'll hurt her and up being the worst person she had ever crossed paths with--
It's so nice the way the wind hugs me,
As I plunge towards the earth's centre,
All because of that pretty lady that's giving me an adrenaline rush.

I'm falling for her,
With the help of Earth's gravitational force,
I'm Accelerating at 9.8 metres per second.
And I've been here before,
Suspended in the air,
Surrounded by clouds--
Plummeting towards the earth's centre.
I know one thing,
When I hit the ground,
My heart will be shattered,
Because it's a fall from an elevated place--
Elevated by flirting and more than friendly hugs--
Because she didn't catch me...
Because,
Reality will catch me,
When everything ends.

So,
I kinda know,
That soon the wind's embrace will be gone,
That soon,
I'll look up at the sun, instead of seeing it at my eye level, like I do now.
I know,
Soon,  she'll no longer be interested in me,
Soon,  sunsets won't look beautiful,
Instead they'll remind me of her eyes.
But,
I'll cherish this fall,
Every single second of it.

And,
I'll hold onto the hopes that I'll one day,
meet someone,
Who never let's me reach the ground,
Someone who doesn't even have to catch me--
Because, she'll make me fall for her,
Everyday,
And keep my mind far, far away
From the contemplation of a reality without her.

Does everything to do with my feelings have to be sooooooooooooooooooooo
Complicated?

GUILT
     G  U  I  L  T
          G
            U
              I  
                L
              ­     T

*that is all I feel right now.