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11.4k · May 2015
i have one last desire
Andra May 2015
02:47 am. i am on the bench, alone, waiting...

the stranger sees me, sighs and asks me wheezing:
"you yearn for someone, too. don't you?"
i gasp. he passes by me and stops.
"what do i have to do to get rid of the yearning? i'm not ok..."
i say nothing, but in my eyes he could've read my answer, my cries and my yearn.
my yearns...
"i should go to sleep, right?"
i smile.
„but does it go away?”
„it certainly does not go away, but at some point you will get used to it and it's like a friend new in town that you take out for a walk.”, i answer him.
"you miss him, don't you?"
i gasp again. we look quietly at each other for a few seconds. then my phone rings.
"tell him that. you might be surprised. now i'll go, pick it up. good night!"
i managed to say: "take care of your yearns!" and i picked up the phone.

it was not him.
Andra Jul 2015
Today. I give up.*

I got up to you,
I climbed
all the stairs of the seven storeys, until
I got there, where
I forsook
the costume and the mask,
the desire and the expectancy.
I left them all neatly folded at the door.
You will find them in the morning when
you will wake up and
you will leave sleepy for the office.
You probably won't put them into consideration.
You'll step over "i miss you",
over "i'd love to",
and you''ll hit the little"why" in its belly while
he slowly pulls your sleeve.
Don't worry,
I am better now.
I forgot about the dimples and the mole.
How does your voice sound?
Your eyes... are they green or brown?
That yellow t-shirt,
that plaid shirt...
I do not even care if
you will see the pile
waiting for you outside the door.
It's not like
you have not seen
my backpack every time
we met...

Today I give up.

Because
I am not made of concrete,
and that's how the breeze that
you carry with you
always
unbalances
me.
Because
I really know how to ride a bike and
I do not need training wheels.
Because
I am not afraid.
Because
I have courage.
And especially,
because
I have nothing to do here.
It's empty and deserted.
It's nothing.

*Today I quit.
7.8k · Aug 2018
jealousy
Andra Aug 2018
to make a scene,
even if you're not on stage...
it really is your style.
i applaud you.

bravos!
bravos!

i thought
i was the actor and
you the director
or more like the puppeteer
and i would
drag Myself,
the puppet
along and dance
dance to your poorly written songs
and recite your pathetic soliloquies

amusing
how you are trying so hard
and all i can think is
that this might be the interval
and some lunatic got on stage
wishing he could be part of all this.

but i am really enjoying my ice cream, you know?
Andra Apr 2016
and we stay like this:
with fright,
cradling What If in our arms,
caressing Maybe's forehead.
confused.
fearful.
not knowing in which direction to go.
tick.
tock.
tick.
tock.
one more hour.
one more day.
they all pass by like that because...
we are waiting.

we are waiting
for a certain day so we can make that step,
the same when
we were waiting
for the school bell to announce the break.
we are waiting
for help,
but we never ask for it.
we are waiting
for another day to pass,
leave it,
maybe
tomorrow it will be okay.
we are waiting
for a sign,
a phone call,
it's not like I could call him to ask him out.
we are waiting
for the rain to stop,
so we won't ruin our hair
/pretty shoes
/coat
/etcetcetc.
we are waiting
for something we don't even know what it is,
because it would not be ok to do this or that.
we are waiting
because the sun did not rise yet and
it is too dark outside.
we are waiting
for ourselves.
we are waiting
without an aim.
maybe
something will happen so
we won't be bound to do things
we are afraid of and things
we are not sure of.
tick.
tock.
tick.
tock.

instead of getting the best out of every little thing that gives us the chance to discover, we stand in line for our own happiness...

you know that saying:
instead of us thinking thoughts,
the thoughts think us...
7.1k · May 2016
we aspire
Andra May 2016
How did you end up
flowing in my veins?
I breathe you
with every second that passes
and I cry with tears
that taste like you.

Pathetic,
right?

I should make myself
a tea
and calm down...
as if this could
heal me...

How can you heal
with an ordinary tea,
a chronic problem?

Doctor,
give me
ten boxes of aspirin.

we
have
to
overcome
the
cold
3.8k · Apr 2015
27 noi
Andra Apr 2015
i woke up this morning
with a snowflake on the tip of my nose
and i thought i became a sleepwalker.
its the first time that im haunting
the dreamworld
with my eyes wide open
and i believe.

i was sleeping actually. and it was
fog
and hoarfrost
and everything smelled of oranges.
mom says it smells like Christmas
but i dont sense any pine-tree.
so no.

the snowflake melted and i still did not wake up and i almost had a panick attack because i was not sleeping, i was not awake either and i was home, where it is impossible for snowflakes to fall.

tangerines. yes. not oranges.
it might not be very logical to you, but it make sense in my head. mhm.
1.5k · Aug 2018
until when?
Andra Aug 2018
i write you
tens of letters
which
i then break in
hundreds of pieces
i fill
thousands of pages with
your name and then
i press assertively the red button in the corner and

you dissapear
off
of the screen
of my mind
of my heart not really

and i don't know what to do
to get you out of here
i squeeze this soul out of any sentiment that could exist within
so then
i could squeeze you out as well

but **** you
you are still stubborn and you don't want to
and i try
and you won't
and in vain

i am tired
i don't want this anymore
i go to sleep at night
with hope
tomorrow i will be clean
of you
and
i wake up in the morning
and
one more bud
one more root
one more blade
is pushing through

well
is it fair?

now
tell me
what do i do?

but you are silent
more than ever
but you elongate you arms
more and more
and further and further
and you squeeze
more and more
and harder and harder

and it is
more and more
loathsome
more and more
terrible
more and more
longing

it's ****.
1.2k · Aug 2018
that love...
Andra Aug 2018
i believe we all have in our lives
a crazy love
consumed
too late or too early
too fast or too slow.
we all have that love that will always stay there
no matter what
whose remnants won't be able to be erased
no matter what.

it is like a scar from childhood which will remind you of that fall...

there will be other men
each of them will hold my hand
they will muss my hair
each in their own way
and they will all laugh at they way i sleep.
each in a different way.
i will
probably
live with each of them
a late 20 of July
or
i will
maybe
meet them
every time
in an empty intersection
at midnight.
and will
possibly
wear the same clothes
the same flowery top
the same shoes
or
we will run foolishly under the same umbrella.

i will have a particular ritual
with each of them

we might drink tea instead of coffee,
or we won't drink anything,
or on the contrary,
we might drink too much.
or we will smoke like Turks.
maybe we will quit smoking.
we might ride our bikes every day
or go out rollerskating
or maybe i will get my driver's licence
i will drive one of those old Beetles.
we will listen to the same riotous band
we will sway on the same songs
and maybe then
he will hold me in his arms
the same way.

and so what?

everything will be the same
but in a totally different way.
with someone else.
always someone else and not him.

it is that love that made you fly
and then slammed you to the ground
for a few times
without thinking about anything
and then
it repeated the process for a few times
and then
it left you like this
hovering between sky and earth.
adrift.
it is that love which is
agony
and ******
in the same time

and...

it is that love that has left a scar in your soul
and whatever you would do
you can't forget it.
and you hope that
this time, maybe.
but it's not working.

it's that love...
1.2k · Sep 2019
24/14
Andra Sep 2019
june.

a year.
it's been a year since i have been a totally different person.
and i don't know if i should
thank you
or
hate you
for turning me into
this person that can't love
anymore.
this person that can't feel
anymore.
this person that doesn't care
anymore.

everything is flat and colourless.
everything is 1D now

and i miss those moments when
i felt everything so strongly that i wanted to smash my head against the walls.

i feel that now,
but out of frustration that
nothing wakes up in me.
nothing good.

only tar, mud and slimey walls.

i look in the mirror and all i can see
is a pale, skinny, vacant face.

and i pull myself
to be like before.
before you.

but she is so foreign from me
that i don't know how to get to her.
how to rediscover her.

and like this
i drag myself
from one day to the other
hoping that
tomorrow
it will be
better.

closed in a dark soundproof room
which i can't escape.

and you...
you think i'm hopping around picking flowers...
1.1k · Aug 2018
re-enactment
Andra Aug 2018
the problem is that
we still care about the effects.
We still plan,
we still schedule what we are about to do.
What we MUST do,
right?
We want to be always ready,
to always have plan B close-by,
because
we don't really like any kind of surprises.
But you know what?
We lose everything by sitting
and calculating,
organizing the things as we want to,
and they will fly by
and...
We wake up, then,
with tons of list in your hands that you were expecting to tick.
And time passes,
because it does not forgive,
and you end up realising how you can lose
any essence, sense and purpose.
956 · May 2015
oxitocin
Andra May 2015
i never would've thought that seeing again those eyes that
i already
adore,
the heart would weep a little
and would languish,
and the stomach would rub its walls stressed that
the hands were shaking too.

there. thats how everything fleed inside my body,
like there's a competition between organs:
which one will break down first.
the lungs, they can not breathe anymore,
the brain, going into "freeze" mode,
the legs, suddenly not having any bones,
but a sort of gelatine that rather flows,
and flows,
and these eyes that want to wash my cheeks,
my sins.

*I think,
still,
that mum was right
when she said
that love is nothing but
chemistry and hormones...
650 · Jan 2018
magic
Andra Jan 2018
who knew
that
magic exists
that
this kind of people exist
that
happiness can be touched
grabbed by the hand
and walked through the old town
467 · Apr 2016
fault - falsetto
Andra Apr 2016
well yes
i am afraid
i am afraid of the fact that
i am going to lose
this fight
you are like a
chucknorris
and i am like a
littlemermaid
that has not got anymore
any legs
any voice
and yes
i am afraid
i am afraid of the fact that
actually this
is no fight
and you are just in a demonstration parade

but you told me to fight
385 · Jan 2018
and you are not here
Andra Jan 2018
you know
i waited for you.
like a child waiting for the first day of school, the coming of Santa Claus or the first snow.
you didn't come.
eh, i am not going to get mad just because of this.
but i'm still thinking
if you're okay,
if your smile's the same or
if you got new wrinkles on your face...

You're fine, I know that!
361 · Sep 2019
hazy wishes
Andra Sep 2019
let me

i want to be

me and you

so
stay the heck
here
and stop making me be afraid
that with every day that goes
you go as well.

i only want to trace itineraries on your forehead
and lose my dreams in your arms
and exhale wishes on the steamy window of your car
and cry green tears tasting of gin and tonic
which you will hold in the palms of your hands
and when you have no more room
you will hide them in jars
in the room at the back where there's always cold
because the heater doesn't work

i can't be like this if you are not here
and my cheeks tremble only when i feel your presence in the room

if you need the certainty
that i will be here when you come back
well then,
just so you know,
i will be
waiting
everyday
at our place
especially at 9.36am
and i will think about
how lovely would have been for you to kiss me then
but i will smile because
you were so
happy
that you didn't know what to do

stay here
don't make me ask you
again
I have written this years ago and have just re-discovered it... Funny how you learn from your old self.
292 · Sep 2019
years have passed
Andra Sep 2019
and life has changed...
and coffee got cold

and i had no words to explain.
to you.
to myself.

and i was asking you: let me be, please.
and then i was searching for you

in hope that i could hold you in my arms for a bit more
'cause you had me in your palms anyway.

and you kept telling me to fight.

what a stupid cliché.

and i, as the naive that i was
i listened.

and you, as the lunatic you were,
you were the force i was fighting with.

what should i understand, then?


i

have

no

air
262 · Sep 2019
red lights
Andra Sep 2019
home is where it wasn’t home.

home. it felt more like a place but felt like home when leaving.

home is my brother and his blue eyes.

home is can you make me breakfast and watch TV with me?

home is the hot soup grandma makes.

home is Janis Joplin singing.

home is where birds are chirping dancing.

home is that door never closing.

home. is that door open anymore?

home is Venus… and my cosmos.

home is red and red was home.

home is where it wasn’t home.

home is where i wish was home.

home? where is home anymore?
253 · May 2016
who are you?
Andra May 2016
it's the fifteenth time that
i give up on you
and when i fix myself
and i get back on my feet

but this time i just hope
that i won't betray myself again
that i will resist any temptation
that i will simply and easily erase you

yes i am that harsh
i am erasing you
like you never existed
never
175 · Sep 2019
140414
Andra Sep 2019
when you think you know...

when you think that all is
as you know it
as you'd like it
there's something that happens then:

someone pulls your hand and shows you that
life
and
the world around you
is different than you thought.

that the grass' green is stronger
that the birds' flight is more beautiful than you could see it
and there's nothing left for you to do than... believe.

"believe and you shall see.
believe!
if you believe, you will see the flight and the sun's light and the sky's blues...

search without a fear, without a care and with no doubt.
you won't find the answer in an instant,
but it will come to you.
maybe only after 20 years in Tibet,
but it will surely come to you."
-a few years ago (about five, to be exact) I asked someone I looked up to a deep and quite personal question. we talked for hours. Before going to bed I wrote this.
Andra Sep 2019
he was always a mystery to me.
no matter how much i thought i could observe him from afar.

i know
his style
his gestures
the way he lights up a cigarette
how he argues
how he jokes around
i know the dimple in the corner of his mouth that appears when
he smiles.

i never had the courage to even hope of being next to him.
it's strange to work with someone you admire in a way
you don't even understand.
cause it was not a "fell in love" type of feeling, but more like a weird chemical reaction that was happening
within me.

and last night
i thought i was discovering him.
that i will get to discover him.
but he only left me with more mystery.
with every thing he showed me
everything he revealed to me:
the affection
the caress
the kisses
even that birthmark,
the more mysterious he would get.

today i discovered
how much he wants to be a father
how much he wants someone
how sensitive he is.

and i know i should not be sad thinking now, alone, about what happened
but i should be happy that the moment existed.
that for a few instants,
in the intimacy that we built together
he was mine only,
he gave himself to me entirely
and let a few masks fall.

"Coffee, yes?"
well...

and now i ask you, stay!

but i'll pour another glass of waiting. this bar is never closing.
156 · Jan 2018
just let it be
Andra Jan 2018
And months pass again and we dream.
And we don't even remember the other's voice, 'cause we try so hard to erase it all.
And all we have left is sensations.

her breath on your neck
the hand that wipes the tears from your cheek
the cigarette smell mixed with her perfume

Or  how her long hair would ****** you
and how any small part of her would grasp on to you
even though,
through words
she would say something completely different.

And months would pass again.
And when it is best for us,
Fate would bring us back to remind us of things that,
such fools,
we thought we forgot.
145 · Jan 2018
projection
Andra Jan 2018
ardent lights

whizzing tv

cigarette smoke

and you.

i don't like it when you look at me like that
i don't like it because i will get home and
i won't be able to sleep

this memory

and that stroke

or how you  cover me carefully

so i am not (afraid) cold

or the tears


and you're telling me you don't know?
130 · Jan 2018
cheers, darling!
Andra Jan 2018
I have waited for you.
I always wait.
When you are with me, I wait for you,
in my sleep, I am waiting,
and in my dreams, I wonder where you are.

I look at you and I ask myself:
where are you?

Patience is my only weapon.
Patience is the ***** in my glass,
which I always down 'til empty,
even though it burns and it cuts my breath.

And you know I am waiting for you.
And still, I wait.
96 · Jan 2018
weak script
Andra Jan 2018
i'll allow you. it's okay.
i got used to this anyways, so...
you didn't destroy me, you know,
even though
i still fight with myself and
with the silence i want.
but it is okay.
you can.
don't worry.
i am
elastic.
gum.
rubber.
my heart can stretch as much as you want to pull it
and, surprisingly, dear, it does not break.

it's okay. i allow you to be
the director
the playwright
the scenographer
the light designer
the soundman
the stagehand
the manager
of my life.
and i, the humble and obedient actor
ready for anything
for those few minutes of fame
ideal ******
and claps.

can i also be the audience?
i think it would be a successful comedy.
80 · Jan 2018
i want to be moon
Andra Jan 2018
i want to be moon
be always another every day
and hide whenever i want to
behind clouds
and within eclipses

i want people always to look at me

you know
we always have the moon
it is our guide
i would like to be this
for you
or us
but i would not have the same sad face
like our moon.

july.

the moon
the crescent moon
eight
and
the rain

— The End —