i hate that i want to think bad things of the girl you chose over me cause it's misdirected anger and i want to tell her to know better and watch her temper cause you don't like it when i raise mine and i should tell her to watch where she steps cause your **** is everywhere and i want to yell at her to stop looking in the mirror and look in front of her cause his opinion of her hair and his hands on her the insides of her thighs will follow her forever and she'll be sitting where i am wondering if she should have said yes more often if she actually doesn't know what she's talking about and doubting the words she holds in her mouth and holds in her throat and holds in her stomach and holds in her toes. maybe i'm projecting again but i don't think so.

when i was in kindergarden i was taught to be kind and explain why i was sorry when i was i never questioned my mind anymore than i questioned why i rode the bus every morning every morning every morning every morning i woke up and i knew i was awake because i could blink and move my fingers and not just my fingers but my hands and not just my hands but my arms and not just that but my whole body actually, i could move my entire body and i knew i could because i saw it happening and only i can say i know my body is moving for certain because i am the one making it move in the first place so how can you stand there watching me walk and watching me jump and i'm running now and i'm climbing and i'm screaming and i'm spinning and dancing and you're watching me but you insist i'm standing still
i am awake and i know this for certain

Walking home from my friend’s house after making music and making faces and his roommate’s ex-girlfriend was in the kitchen, her back to mine across the living room and I closed the door.
I walked the eight blocks to my house.
To the left
To the right
I thought of you but only a little bit.
I laughed when I slid on the ice on Summer Street and I inhaled deep to relish in the lack of sun, and for the first time, I listened that night in November
with her cold and slender hands over both of my ears.

I’m just trying to eat my french toast and drink my coffee but you keep cutting me off as I’m about to take a sip take a bite asking why I like it with sugar i add a spoonful of creamer and you’re laughing
but not in a loving way
talking about my schoolwork and my plans for the garden
and you skip over the congratulations and mention your ex girlfriend
going on about your ex girlfriend and my face has hardened
i drink my coffee and try not to listen
i eat my french toast and i don’t pay attention
i’m looking at the man with the book eating alone
i’m looking at the waitress wishing she were home
excuse me and i’m up
the bathroom is empty and nobody saw me
the mirror is clean and i am *****
the lights are brighter than i want them to be
and the soap dispenser is empty

i changed the lightbulb cause my boss asked me to
i was going to do it myself but then she asked me to

My therapist says I'm doing really well and when she says it, she makes eye contact and her posture is relaxed and I didn't even mention her tone yet but think of your mother when you've been heartbroken for the first time if you're the kind that has been heartbroken and if your mother is a soft one but mine is and I am and she was like that.
Her tone was that of my mother when I was heartbroken for the first time.

you were as a kid that day and the one after and then again and after that too and I'm not sure what was in your OJ that first morning, the tuesday morning, that you shrank 10 pants sizes and threw out your books to make room for bright things but I wish I'd had apple juice in my fridge that day

When I'm no longer twenty in two days I will be twenty-one and that's really all I have to say about the matter.

moving that morning felt easy
my lifeline was long and thick
my head was normal size and not any thicker than normal
the cats were in good spirits the art on the wall was patient but not expecting anything
I'm not expecting anything
I woke up and I was not expecting anything

this blue light has grey shadows
you're blue with grey

climbing down and settling with the pebbles and shards of bone

I take the paper from the walls and make stars

I'm 12 and I've been reading for 352 days straight and I have no interest in the people around me and why should I?
I'm 14 in this one and my sheets have polka dots on them and my pillow is Avril Lavigne's face and I'm thinking about the girl at school with pink hair and slow penmanship.
When I'm 16 you are 15 and holding my hand and I'm asking about french homework and trying not to focus on the movement of your thumb around mine which is not friendship.
This time I'm 21 and your thick bones outline my thin and I like this small feeling.

If the grass could talk it'd probably ask me to get off of it and if the trees could talk they'd probably cry for their brothers and sisters chopped down and if the dirt could talk it'd probably ask for a light, it's dark underneath us
if the sky could talk it'd probably lose its voice anyways from cussing out the truck drivers and factory workers
if the buildings could talk I wonder if they'd get along
if my walls could talk it probably wouldn't change anything and
if I could talk I'd probably have something to say to you.
What an incredible power to be able to **** the sound out of everything around you and turn it into noise.

deep purple
mauve maybe
in the month of may
diving
swimming
blue navy blue
turquoise grey teal and green
earth green like mushroom
dirt brown
black as ash
grey as it too
gray grey
gray grey
soft not a whisper never yells either
don't tell me what to do though
or how to see
i have eyes and my ears
are alive and my cats stretch and my coffee is burnt and my roommate
is gone and i
am singing
and i see the strings and hear the room and they are not yelling no one is yelling or whispering or hushing up or talked over because i am alone.
why did you assume i am sad, then?
i am not.

orange bodies in the
yellow light in the afternoon
green thumbs in the garden
blue lips at night standing at the crosswalk

this is my favorite pair of jeans.
they fit my legs tight and then loose and the color keeps to itself.

this is my favorite sweater.
it keeps me warm and it’s the color of moss.

i’ve been wearing the same shirt for three days, but i’ve showered between those days
i’ve been seeing you for a week but you’ve talked to your girlfriend between those days.
my neighbor threw my clothes on the floor cause he needed the dryer
so now i have to wash them all over again and i don’t have $3,
the machine ate two so i only have one left

your copy of rear window is on my floor.
your copy of monty python is on my floor.

thick hair, thick hands, thick wool,
i’m thinning but you’re only getting warmer

i’m tired of men entering my life and taking all of my heat right before winter comes.

my friends say i need to open my eyes but aquarians are dreamy types and i broke my glasses so what difference does it make if i’m sleeping anyways?
i'm 20 years old and that's not a lot
boys think i'm cute
but they think my friend is hot
cause she ******* is

i keep getting high and redownloading tinder
when i'm home alone in my living room
with the office on repeat and my cats
attacking my feet

meanwhile i'm getting annoyed because i'm just trying to eat
and everyone keeps telling me i need some thicker meat
on my bones
and telling me i should watch my texts
and to call if it involves **** or ***


my best friends are sleeping together
i wish i could make this thing between us better
but you kind of **** dude
and i’m sorry but i don’t think i can talk to you
without being rude so..
i guess i don’t really wish to change things after all

counting my rent money and counting the days until next year and counting the minutes left on my shift
you said you’d let me know when you’re off work
and i could come over

Razor on the bathroom sink and the smell of pine and aftershave
Calloused hands
Dirt fingernails
You packed and formed the soil like clay
Like paint
You were an artist, silent in the morning
Coffee before work
One beer after
One beer after and a warm dinner she made
Pine and aftershave
on the stairs
on the carpet
on the carpet on the stairs
Lean in
Lean in, kids
Lean in and I’ll tell you about them
You said,
You are an artist,
Silent and coffee in the morning
Loud and beer on the stairs,
on the carpet in the afternoon
Leather seat
Newspaper dogear
Brewers turned on
In the leather seat,
‘Turn it up,
They’re winning!’
They’re winning
They’re winning
Screen porch
Wooden door
Screen porch through the wooden door
Sitting
Bumblebee Boompa
Bumblee Boomps
In the garden
On the sink
In the kitchen
On the stairs
In the living room
On the porch
You are an artist
Silent in the morning
Loud
Loud
Loud in the afternoon
and winning

shaved my head again last night,
watched empire records and saw deb and shaved my head again last night.
ate spaghetti, my best friend got into college
my best friend got into college and we ate spaghetti and shaved my head again
we shaved my head again cause we watched empire records and i saw deb and i saw deb shave her head and i thought that looks awesome
so we ate spaghetti
and she got into college,
she’s already in college but she got into a different college
so i made her spaghetti and we watched empire records
and we watched empire records
and ate spaghetti
and she shaved my head cause we watched empire records
and now she’s going to college
a different college
she’s already in college
she’s going to a different college
i didn’t text that dude
i didn’t text that dude, and he didnt text me
i saw his girlfriend on instagram
his girlfriend posted on instagram and i saw it
a picture of that dude
i was maybe going to text him
i was maybe
going to text him
but then i saw his girlfriend
on instagram i saw his girlfriend
his girlfriend posted on instagram
a picture of that dude
so i didn’t text that dude
cause i saw his girlfriend
i woke up and my cats were on me and my arm was asleep
my arm was asleep
my arm was asleep cause my cats were on me
my cats, both of them,
two of them, my cats
were on it, one of them, one of my arms,
both of my cats
both of my cats were on one of my arms

i am always carrying your name under my tongue, in that small place under my tongue and i don’t think i’m ready yet to loosen my lips and let you slip out and leave me forever because thats a scary thought, thats a **** scary thought. I’d be more comfortable cutting off my own arm or going blind or being spat into the middle of the ocean because that’s just physical, that means nothing, i have another arm, and i have my memories, and i could probably swim enough to reach some kind of island or strip of land  or even just let nature take control and pull me into the arms of the big blue babe and she’d kiss me and show me her shiny shells and dead bones of fish collected in piles on the floor and i’d live down there forever and i would crawl out of my weight and leave it in a collected pile on the floor and i’d float through the air and i’d breathe deeply full of water and i’d be water and she’d be water and we’d be water and it wouldn't matter if i love you or if i’m just afraid because i’d be water and you’d be bones and blood and brains and i’d just be water, and you can’t confuse water with anything else but water but bones and blood and brains are messy and thick and runny and easily confused with things like spaghetti and red paint and death and i want to be water. clear and unmistakable.
but i’m not water, i am also bones, and i am blood, and i am brains, and i’m not one bit clear.

when you’re going solely off of what feels right, it’s pretty easy to be swayed when you ate bad chicken or take a bubble bath or the streets look friendly but so does the underside of my comforter so you tell me how am i supposed to know?

yes, up on a high place
yes, inside a *** of honey with sugar,
darling, i would
it’d be slow
and still too
in light pink
yellow
brown earth,
deep

blue,
blue, blue,
blue, blue
blue

and light

singing and thick hands
thick
hair thick

Welcome In --
bright ones say to me
they say to ME

‘Welcome In!’
‘Welcome In!’