Here we are again, lights off on your bed
And I'm convinced there's nothing more
meaningless than words strung together
They don't make any sense
Here we are again with your hands around my neck
And I'm content to let you go feelingless
like words strung together
They don't make any sense

But there's a difference between loving something useless and letting its
uselessness be what you love
It's dark in these rooms, but between me and you
I'd rather never leave any one
Because even though I cannot see, I've never felt more at home
Than when I cannot breathe
And when I am not shown
the things that can make me bleed, I'd rather
Cut up my throne
I'd rather be all alone

Here we are again, killing with a deadly pen
And I'm offended you thought I'd be reading this
Your words are strung together
They don't make any sense
Here you are my friend, a free man's head
But I confess, it's not the bearer of solace
His head is strung together
He does not make sense

~

Here we are again, we seem to start at the end
And I must digress, the blood on the wall is not red
The words are strung together
They don't make any sense
So once more my friend, I really do regret
But I won't forget the fateful story that begins in bed
The words are strung together
They will never make sense

you think you have all the time in the world, and that is your biggest mistake. you can't rely on something that doesn't exist.

This right here, this exact situation is the reason I keep my hopes down low. Why I practically walk over them, keep them dragging under my heels. I didn't want to end up like this. If you don't expect anything, you are contented with what you knew was inevitably going to happen. You can go about it in an I-told-you-so pessimistic manner.

But when you have even a slight hope of improvement, the reality drags you lower than where your hopes should've been. It's the lesson they give.
Now, things are complicated with too many loose ends. Too many people. People are loose ends. Too many appearances to unwillingly keep up.
Things would be so much simpler if there was no one.  I would spend my days blissfully alone, maybe even get done what I need to.
But now there are bridges that would be burned if I let loose the hermit inside me.
Lousy excuses for bridges, more like strewn pieces of driftwood in a creek, but passage nonetheless.
And however feeble they may be, they're still there, and destruction always leaves an aftertaste.
A smell of ashes in the air clogging your lungs when you come near.
Not to mention the other bridges that whisper about the fallen and create gated barriers of words.
Soon enough you're not in blissful solitude, but rather isolated speculation. You don't go unnoticed, but rather alone under watch.
Well, consider my lesson learned. Never make ties out of hope. Both with be weak and unfashionable. A fallacy at the very least. And you?
You'll end up being water under the bridge.

The days are so contrasting
Yesterday I was broke and under hell
Crying the sadness out of me in salty waves
Today I am placid with soft music in the background
There's so much emotional whiplash
I don't think my head can take much more of this constant motion
Take me off this ride
I need to fix myself inside
Find the source of my discomfort
Because if I know anything its that
Something ain't right
Depressive nature
But something in me is fighting
The will to stay alive
It's me against my mind
I'm not you're not alone
No we have allies
We have allies
We have allies
I don't know if I can stomach what you're about to do
I hope I can get through
But there's still a part that doesn't want to
Clashing bodies in a perpetual war
The war cries are so loud
I drown them out play lists and Blink 182
The tumult cacophonous
Discord with every note
I oughta tell someone about this life
But out my mouth comes only lies
But I bet I couldn't even if I tried
No no couldn't even if tried
Where the **** are my allies?
I had allies

I'm suffocating
I'm frantically searching for something to give me air
To save me
But nothing works.
I look around me and I see people going about their business
As if they're not aware they're all underwater.
How is it they're breathing?
Are their lungs not filled, are their throats not burning on fire?
Where do they find time to smile?
Why aren't they struggling against the depths to reach the surface
Where solace may or may not lie
I scream at them, and the bubbles cloud my face
I'm flailing my arms about for their attention
But no one turns their head
They just keep walking underwater

She screams in all lower case
In an indifferent monotonous voice
Like life has drained all that was once good from her
And it all went down the drain in a crimson swirl

Something inside has died
Like her soul's numbered days are up and her heart hasn't got with the program yet
It still strives on in strenuous trudges

Her are lungs caked in blackened purpose from inhaling death 20,000 times a day
And taking a perpetually tired drag on the night  
Her eyes reflect the moon in the daytime as they pierce through the implemented reality.
The true reality is parasitic and will eat away at you and infect your mind
Only those with the eyes of the moon can see through the masking light
Beware of them, for they have lives encased in shadows.

It wasn't the fear of failure that sent me plunging into the pool of electric currents, it was act of failing.

I go into everything with a "**** it" attitude, with low expectations so I'm never disappointed,

But when things start spiraling down my immediate thought is to abandon ship.

If there's a chance I'm going to hit rock bottom, I want to get there on my own terms, before anything has a chance to drag me down.

Failed a class? Might as well drop out

Had some ice cream while on a diet? Might as well eat the whole tub

About to get pushed onto thin ice? Might as well start jumping til it cracks

If something is going to go, I need it to either go all wrong or all wrong

I don't like any of my works

I
can't breathe.
Every *inhale sends burning acid to my
lungs
The water drowns me and pulls me down
And I'm falling deeper

The only moments where every breath
doesn't feel like I'm swallowing fire
Are when I sing along to the music that
delivers my soul
I can hear it through the waves, distorted
I scream out the words in a gurgle but for
that moment it's *less like I'm drowning
and more like I'm treading water
I breathe out the words which bubble in
front of my face
I feel lighter and more vulnerable
Any moment someone could turn off the
stereo
Or the Sirens could change their timeless
mythology
And I'd be left to sink once again
Even so, I can't stop singing along for
these songs are my lifesaver giving me a lifeline in a life of waterlogged lungs
And every line, verse, and chorus I'm
rising to break the surface

I knew what I was last year
I was depressed
I was highly suicidal
I self harmed
But now I'm just...broken
Just hobbling through life with a limp leg
All the cuts of war have dried
And the battle field lay vacant with languor
I've made it to the other side by myself with nothing but my hands while the enemies came loaded with amo and chemical warfare
But now that I'm here, there's no oasis
There's no recovery retreat
There's just emptiness
The other side is just a drop off into oblivion
Maybe I haven't recovered.
Maybe this is just another level in the same Hell.

I look at the clock and somehow 3:28 a.m. spells out your name

I OFTEN FIND MYSELF WONDERING IF YOU EVER WONDER ABOUT ME TOO AND WHETHER I'M DOING OKAY, BUT SOMETHING TELLS ME I VERY SELDOM CROSS YOUR MIND BECAUSE NOW YOU'RE WITH HER AND WHO THE HELL WOULD THINK OF ME WHILE LOOKING AT HER?

He smokes all those ******* cigarettes.
All of them every ******* day
I don't know what makes him think he can smoke the sadness away
But boy, does he try,
He tries so **** hard.

He tries to blind his demons by fogging his mind
He comes to me high, saying he can't feel a thing
And I say I know what you mean, boy, I know what you mean
But you can't chase away the pain with drugs and a drink
He doesn't always need to be so tough
I wonder if I could make him forget
I wonder if my love could be enough

How can something so broken make me feel so beautiful?
He takes a party mix of pharmacuticals, he's ready to self destruct
Balancing between living and dying I've never seen someone more on the cusp
God, how I wish I could make him happy
I wonder if my love could be enough

But I'm just part of his problem
******* up his emotions even more than they were
It's like setting fire to a train wreck and I'm the instigator
Putting my flames to his propane, maybe a raging fire is the cure

He tells me he needs some space
So I back up a considerable amount and yell if it's enough
But he just whispers back
You'll never be able to fix me
It can't be done
I'm too far gone
Nothing can fix me, not even love

and I finally had my answer

Eat till you're sick
Just as a big ******* to this *****
This ***** inside my head
Who won't stop until I'm dead
She puts tape over my mouth
And a scale under my feet
Then the worst part is, she'll make you believe without a doubt
That she's doing you a good deed
Like she's doing this for you
But what she really does in fact
Is take your whole life and refuse to give it back
And just when you think you have a reprieve
Like you've actually escaped her spiny clutches
She yell at you that she'll never leave
And about how you've lost your muchness
Then you'll eat a little something
Just to show her who's boss
But then something turns to nothing
And you're obsessed by how much you've lost
This ***** will whisper snide comments at you all throughout the day
Pounding away at your self confidence so all that's left is self-hate
A high residual between who you are and who you ought to be and how the only thing standing in your way is all these ******* calories
She'll make you turn on things you once loved
Till food becomes the enemy and she turns you into something that only she loves
She'll tell you lots of things to get you seeing bones
But what she won't tell you is that her methods are never condoned
What she won't tell you is how she paints on your mirror at night
That way you see what she wants and not what's right
What she won't tell you is that she's just a scared little *****
Who's not even real
No, that ***** won't tell you that it's okay to have a meal

I feel like there should be a great poem spawning from this blatant attack on my heart
With linguistic tips and turns coinciding with my emotion
But that's just it.
There is none.
You have drained every last ounce of feeling from my body
So, naturally, when you made a big and public spectacle of how you desire her
I stood there stone-faced, frozen in stoical silence
The perfect poker face, you'll never catch my bluff
I saw that glance in my direction and smiled in return
That classic fake smile that never meets my dead eyes like a forged signature on an oath that avers everything's all right

That was my smile.
A little uneven, a lot of perfect.
That was mine. And you gave it to her.
**You really ought to stop giving away my things.

I passed you in the stairwell today
All I could manage was a cracked-voice
"hey"
It was a quick encounter with the devil
The devil that takes my guts away with a glance
Paranoid looking over the should just for
a chance
I shrink back against the hand rail so I
don't fall
'Cause that's just what don't need, a
plummet to the ground where I'd beg and crawl
To be back on my feet

Which you so gallantly swept me off of
You were my King and I couldn't help but
bend to your will
But now I see the pedestal I just stepped
you off of
But you seem to think you're on it still

On something, I'll give you that
To think you can touch me like that and
you'll magically be back
In my good graces but goodness
gracious are you far from it
Remember the plummet? Remember
your games and how I loved it?
Because
I couldn't say no to competition and oh God
there was so much of it.

I wanted to be the winner but I don't think I ever wanted the prize
Just the thought of being the best and
honorably succumbing to your lies
Beating the other girls you so often
enticed
But it's all in good fun, these games and
your vice....right?

Playing with my emotions like old toys
left forgotten
But you've forgotten the best part
You can't take something that's not there
No, you can't take my heart

I'll lead you on again, say hi again on the
stairs
Make you think you got me right
This way you'll know what it feels like to
be a player
but never win the prize.



*******.

I gestured toward to miles of despair ahead

And you told me that the lonely road doesn't end here

Well ****. I could have told you that.

I had just turned to walk away, muttering profanities about a pretentious *******

But then you piped in with a soliloquy of your own

You told me that the lonely road doesn't end here.
It keeps on going and going with no particular destination.
But along the way there are pit stops of joy. Times when you may actually feel happy. Like the road wouldn't be too bad as long as you were with that person who's always at the pit stops, fixing you up and making you better

I turned around then, but you weren't there.

Where the **** did you go?
This was an open road we were standing on and now I'm just here alone.

That was when I realized that the only pit stop I needed was you. I'll only ever be happy when I'm with you.

It hurt to smile, her stitches were too tight. Drinking her feelings away, she reaches for a Camel Light.
Scarred beyond recognition, she silently sits in waiting.
An agreement with the devil, alone sitting shaking.
Longing to be gone but the dead cannot die.
They creep in the corners and find a way inside.
Nestled in her chest where her heart used to be,
Lie fragmented dreams of the girl she should be.
Old toys left forgotten, now residing in the back of her mind.
There's nothing left for her so she breaks down and she cries.
Family abandoned, friends never there
She's the girl in grunge pictures with the molten blue hair.
Always a mystery with a rough exterior
Scars like tattoos of feeling inferior.
She's boarded up and let's no one in,
No place to call her own, her home is her skin.
You look at her bold beauty and think
why can't that be me
But she would trade all that and more if
**she could be free

I had just been through the worst year of my life
A ten month marathon of running, running, running away from the pain that was always biting at my heels
And you were there, but not there, every single day.
Not even on the sidelines
Not even noticing my lack of breath
Oblivious to the one that you're supposed to always be there for
It was the worst year of my life and I went through it all alone
So forgive me if I seem a bit surly, but I'm still trying to catch my breath.

Your scent, once cemented in my memory, has now faded
It comes back occasionally
A fleeting reenactment of the original
Nonetheless, it still soaks me in nostalgia
And I find myself needing to catch my breath
Just like it used to catch whenever you showed up

I used to wake up with texts
But now there's no one left
I dream of you but wake up alone
Everyone's gone, out doing their own
thing while I'm still waiting here at home.

Left behind and forgotten until we meet
face to face
Then, suddenly, "I miss you so much,
won't you please stay in touch" it's
suddenly a different case

But I do stay in touch, as per request, but
I'm met with oops I got to go
And the host becomes the guest.
Once again I'm here left alone

I could try to make new friends, meet new
people, but that's easier said than done
I'm still not sure how I made the old ones
They weren't the best but we still had fun

Maybe it's me, I know I project bitterness
And that can get hard to be around
But give me some warning, tell me the
reason, I promise I won't be angry
But that's just it, I'm always angry,
always bitter.
The second I step in, no one is to be found.
In a room of people, in a town of
strangers, I sit and stare at my twiddling
thumbs
I begin to block out my lonesome feelings
until I'm hazily numb.
I think it was for the best in the end,
because my time alone showed me how
to be my own best friend.

What am I doing?
Reading, stressing, revising
On **** that will in no way further me in life
Why am I doing this to myself
Every day, semester, year?
All the stress, all the tears?
Pushing me past the breaking point and then pushing a little more 'til I'm going going gone

And yet I can't stop.
I can't just say "**** it" and forget about it
It has to be done
I have to be better than everyone
Who cares about mental health when there's a ******* exam tomorrow?
Goddamn,
Please be an
**A

Dye my hair just to add a little color into my life
Stuff my face just to fill the void
Slice and slash just to make sure I'm real
Paint my face just to hide the imperfections
Starve, starve, and starve again just to fit
the standard of beautiful
Sew in a smile just to appear sane
because it's not like anyone cares
anyway
Cry in the night just to have a release
Just to have an escape, go and get
******
People all around who will swear till the
end that they love and care for you
But when it comes right down to it you
know you're alone

This sadness, this numb
It is not poetic.
I cannot write about galaxy ridden veins
or fire seared eyes

This sadness, this emptiness
It is not beautiful
There will be no heroic sweeping away of broken princesses by
princes with cigarette clenched teeth
or ***** laced lips

This sadness, this gut-wrenching pain
Will not be daises in Marlboro boxes
It can't be unraveled threads sewed back
by an infinite but dysfunctional love

No, no.

This sadness isn't any of that.

This sadness, it's raw
It hurts to look at but it's torture to bear
People look away from this type of sadness
Because it sure as hell ain't pretty.
But what it is is real
This is the sadness that, once moved past, is never forgotten

It's worn like armor in battle
Like a coat of arms

This sadness makes you a **soldier

Why must everything be masked with metaphors and merciless meanderings?
Is it considered insufferable to say what you want
Stripped of any ambiguity?
To just have it out in the open
Vulnerable and exposed?

It's not difficult, just follow my lead
I  l o v e  y o u
Or on a more negative note
W o u l d  y o u  s o  k i n d l y  g e t  o u t  
o f  m y  l I f e ?
Say what you want!
Exercise your first amendment  
Shout it out to the world!
Make it heard! Make it known!
This is what I have to say now **hear it!

Wasted
thoughts
But im perfectly coherent
Perfectly sober
Which makes this all the more difficult.
It's reality hitting me across the face
No mercy. Just pain.
Tears fall and my vision's blurred
Food, food,   numbers
Cut, cut   red
I can't hear my screams they're
Drowned out by the poison mix
I'm alone on the floor
God how I wish I couldn't feel anymore

Now
it's day
The day's ahead
The day's yelling at me to wake up
Social pressures tell me I'm fine
And I relay it back to the people that tell
me they care
They don't give a ****
They all hate you
Look at them laughing
They're laughing at you
Why can't you be normal
Just tell them you're ******* fine
Push them all the **** away
It wont mattet they'll hate you all the
same
You're a failure
Stop being stupid
God look how fat you are
You're a failure
Stop being stupid
God I can't believe you're so fat
Worthless, worthless, worthless
Day's over
Time to drop and break down
Day's over but nights just begun
No sleep, just war
No mercy Just pain
Day after day
Cycles of wasted thoughts in a sober
mind
Why can't I just stay sane

These calories have made their way into my dreams
A place where I used to feel comfortable
Like anything could happen and I was, for the most part, optimistic
They've infected my subconscious and now
I'm not allowed to have that imaginary meal for fear
It may put on some imaginary weight.

I used to say you were the only thing that consumed my sleep
But I'd be lying if I say that this isn't an increasing occurrence, these numbers
These numbers, always in the forefront of my mind
Never leaving me alone for a moment to think
With infected sleep, there's no safe place for me
No place to run from these numbers, these *calories

I'll give myself away
Throw away everything I've known
I'll change myself if youll stay
I dont want me if you go

Take my soul
Take my life
They're nothing without you
Take my goals
Take our nights
I have nothing left to do

I'll sit here rotting away
Like I did
Before you brought me
Back to life
I'll just sit here
Waiting
With no day and no knight

To be perfectly honest,
You went from my whole world to not even a part of it
I'd never admit I miss you
Put on a brave face around you
Make you think everythings okay
But my insides are crumbling with the need to see you again
To touch your skin
To be in your current interest

To be perfectly honest,
I feel as though a certain ***** has been ripped out of me
Somewhere near where my heart used to be
There is a gaping hole growing bigger every minute I don't see you.
I know where it is
It's in the palm of your hand
And the further apart we are
The less it starts to beat
I haven't seen you in so long
I'm really missing your embrace
I told myself I was strong
That it was just a crush
That I didn't need you
But if that was true, then why am I hurting so much?
I refuse to allow myself to cry
I must stay strong
but "staying strong"are just words
Words you say when you don't want to get involved
They're intangible
And often unintelligible
They hold no meaning nor volume
Just two-dimensional scapegoats and
To be perfectly honest, I'm just really ******* missing you

I said I'm ******* fine
But you never asked in the first place
I'm not ******* fine
But you believed me, now how does this tatse?
This blood on your hands
Spilled from veins
Washed away with bleach
Let's cover it up
Cause nothing's ever as it seems
Paint a smile
On a canvas of pain
They hate you now, but now it's "what a shame"
Where were the compliments
When I was around to hear them
Your words could've lifted me up
But not up from the grave
I'm so sorry
So sorry I couldn't make the grade

And then the memories came flooding back
A tidal wave just relentlessly knocking me off my feet
A constant reminder of being alone
When these songs were my only friend
The only thing keeping me here
staying with me while I heave torrential sobs in the dead of night
Calming my nerves when everything became too much
Helping me get through good and bad days alike
Screaming what I could never say
Holding me together when all I could do was fall apart
It was and forever will be the glue keeping me intact

I envy those who can eat without conscience
I long for the infamous day when "things will get better"
I strive for an impossibility that I can feel within my reach
I expend the necessary energy to achieve a negative net
My mind rattles with number and limits
Counting the minutes 'til my next meal
Portion control and restrictions
Fighting the urges of binges
They say I'm just skin and bones
But what I see is all I'll know

Maybe this is the reason for my obsession with the sea
Throw me in, the tide will pull me under and yet I want to be submerged
I want my skin to soak up the water and become dry from the excess salt
I am the ocean as the ocean is me
With every churning wave, my heart lurches in sync
When anger boils up in my core, you will see a storm on the horizon

The wind, constantly driving me forward

Best friends with the sun and sand,
Every white cap slapping the shore
Is just the noise of colliding hands
As the gentle push and pull of the tide slowly rocks me to sleep
I begin to dream about my undoubted obsession with the sea

You want me to steep myself in your fantasy
Like a bag of tea
But I am not a bag of tea.
I cannot make your dull story any more tasteful
I cannot be the woman of your dreams.
I will not make you any better
Because I am not a bag of tea.
Soak me in scalding water
I refuse to let myself go
I refuse to let anything seep
I am bitter and sheltered
And certainly not your cup of tea
I cannot soothe you to sleep
Or give you the energy you need
I will not nurse you back to health, becoming your new home remedy
**Because I am not a bag of tea.

The heavens called the ocean to the sky and released bolts of liquid lightning
With the recently renovated target on my heart, it's no surprise one found its way, colliding with my body in a splash of salinity and electric sparks
The collision ignited my every cell, sending everything into overtime
My heart fluttered rapidly, my blinks keeping tempo
Time pasted in a turn of the head, blurring the scenery into a waterlogged painting
The day the heavens called the ocean to the sky, it released liquid toxins.
With the recent renovations, it's no surprise one found its way to the target on my heart with your name scribbled in salty letters across the bullseye

See her / right there
She pulling / her hair
She's stressed / and scared
She screams / they stare
But they / don't care
Her skin / she tears
This pain / she fares
Too much / to bare
She climbs / the stairs
The ledge / she dares
Suspended / in air
Escaping / the lair
Of scars / to spare
Her heart / she shared
They dipped / in despair
She's gone / but now
They say / **"I cared"

Hello / goodbye
bent on / goodnight
Can't sleep / just cry
My dreams / I die
Don't live / survive
Im losing / the fight
Demons / unite
Take over / my mind
Can't see / I'm blind.
Get in / and drive
Away / behind
we're out / of time
People / they try
They ask / I lie
They hear / they buy
While I / stand by
And whisper / **"I'm fine"

When I say everything is crashing to pieces,
Falling apart before my very unadulterated eyes,
I don't mean it as a metaphor.
No. I mean things are literally breaking to bits.

When I say everything is crashing to pieces, I mean
With every step I take across this suspension bridge, I can feel the ground give way to my weight and endlessly tumble and twist toward its impending demise to the unsuspecting ground below. (Albeit, it has yet to have trouble with the racing automobiles wizzing past me with a taunting doppler)

When I say everything is crashing to pieces, I mean
I have the Midas touch.
Only, when things come in brief contact with my fare skin, they need not turn into gold but rather chaos.

When I say everything is crashing to pieces, I mean
With every flip of the switch comes an explosion of glass bits and fiery yellow sparks shooting awry (give my thanks to the short fuse)

When I say everything is crashing to pieces, I mean
I attempt to live out my usual ordinary uneventful lifestyle, and I leave a wake of destruction in my route to the corner store! (Remind me to apologize to the florist- I'll have to get him some newly birthed petunias)

When I say everything is crahsing to pieces, I mean
I fear cutting onions lest the knife get fed up with being dulled by various vegitables and find its way to my throat, holding me hostage in the kitchen via blade tip to jugular

When I say everything is crashing to pieces, I mean
I would be far from surprised if the monsters under the bed had a mutiny and overthrew their sane captain who keeps them from overturning my mattress every night, bless him

When I say everything is crashing to pieces,
Falling apart before my very mundane eyes, I don't mean it figuratively.
No. Things are literally breaking into tiny wooden splinters.
But don't you for a second dilute your mind into thinking this bothers me in any way.
I've learned to just let the pieces fall where they may

Everything I've ever done up to this point has been futile
Because I'm never going to be the fantasy I've always envisioned
It's all I can do not to take this **** knife and shove it through my veins
How can I be beautiful and happy when I destroy myself everyday
When I can't even get myself up off the floor
I can't
And I refuse to suffer any longer