I need more intimacy,
Wanna feel someone else's flesh and skin and hairs under my hands
Look into their eyes and know their body trusts me,
Know every single inch of ugly scars and hidden acnea, protruding bones and round stomach,
Wanna kiss, grab, tear apart and let the soft animals we are take over for once,
Worship,
Be worshipped,
Trust and be trusted,
Need to be pinned down like a ragdoll,
Be touched like a craving man i
want it all,
And maybe i do want it
with you.

in my head i touch your jaw tenderly,
let my hand discover you again and
then you kiss me, just to try, gentle.
is it so bad to think about,
kissing you.
maybe it's not the wild passion of romance
that burns within us but,
the soft devotion of a friendship so strong
it turns into another kind of love.
i welcome it, i'm not scared,
no part of love should be shameful,
especially when it's you.

under you,
back to chest,
powerless yet willing,
move me like a doll
if you want,
i trust you with
my whole body,
say the words to me,
the ones i
long to hear,
and move
over me
like you mean it.

and by that i mean,
will someone ever cherish it
like i try to do.

i used to write about
living in lovers' chests,

hiding myself away
in the comfort of softer ribs,

not having to move a bit,
from bigger hands keeping me safe.


i dont want that with you.


make room for me
right beside your body,

i'll keep you in our arms
for as long as it takes to feel warmth,

i won't hide within,
i'll love you loud enough to fly

that's what i feel with you.

other people have forced me to bear the price of my own loneliness.
i was its first victim, its first culprit,
my hand, though, was not the one to take aim
and fire the most hurtful shot of all ;
isolation.

i do not look at you with vengeful eyes, because i have learnt to hold kindness preciously.
it is my sadness that is piercing, strong enough
to break my heart,
angry enough to build it back,
worse, if needed, just to go on and  
survive.

I had a dream, that you crashed and
burned
I ran to you,
my body shaking,
𝑓𝑒𝑎𝑟.
It was not a dream.
How can I fit the whole of you in my arms again
Your body so alive and breathing, real in a way I
don't know what to do with
I am not strong enough to stop your fire
I wish I could, for a while
step back,
no fear.
Breathe you in and
hold you close
and say "You are loved because these hands touch you,
these arms hold you,
this skin knows you
and this heart longs for you."
They are all mine, and yours too,
the crash, the burns, all fire.
I'll make it stop if you allow me to.

It makes my heart beat fast fast fast
When you say you love me, more open than you've ever been before,
And i know it's because i let you take my heart with you and trusted you not to break it,
It's soft isn't it ? makes you melt,
Lets you know that love is a gift i gave you
And you give me too,
And my heart,
It does love you.

if i needed to hold you close for hours and not let go until our lungs stopped breathing,
if i wanted to wrap everything in pretty paper just so i could gift it all to you,
if i dreamt of you every night, soft and pliant or wild and running around inside my head,
if i told everyone around us about how kind you are, how lucky i am to cherish you, how great we feel together,

if i loved you so much that
i stopped trying to hide it within me,
would that be too much ?

and even in the highs, the lows still linger
i told you i loved myself but i'm not made of magic
my skull is thick but still,
it cracks open

i can fool me and you and them but
i have bones wrapped in twenty years of self hate,
and what is loving yourself if not screaming at mirrors and pictures and empty hands

so, please darling, sweet honey, i know i said i was okay
but dont let your words cut sharper than the blades i already plunged through my own **** skin.

in the waves of any river i search for you,
on tennis courts and the old bricks of those crippled houses,
in the harmonies ancient trees make when they meet in the wind,
in the souvenirs of your crinkled hands, working their magic peeling tomatos off their branches,
i discuss you fondly, i see you vividly,
mother of my mother,
like an old love,
a decayed photograph of childhood and
loud kisses on my cheeks.

as i grow and search for a home,
the only one i wish to hold kindly in my arms is
the house of memories built upon your shoulders,
i used to be scared of its ghosts before i learnt about
the passage of time and,
the love it leaves behind.

all the faces full of paint, nailed to the walls,
the abstract shapes of your most prized possessions,
copies with the wrong colours, the lines so thin i thought they would disappear if i looked tightly enough,
unearthed mysteries for the child  i still was.

you were the first to make me breathe out life.
you gave me all the poetry i hold inside.

i wanna touch your body and make it mine
mold your chest into my chest, steal the curves of your shoulders,
i want the angles of your hands, the strong lines of your jaw,
rebuild myself with the clay He could have chosen to give me,
but gifted you with instead.

stop being sad about what you can't do yet,
work hard, be better but don't
break your own back.
getting to the top isn't worth the sorrow
you give yourself.

you don't exist alone, your pain is theirs too,
so love you like you love them
and walk as far as you can
your legs will hold your struggles
and push you to whatever it is
that you want.

I cant go to sleep
I swear I want to, swear I try, swear I did all the steps right
But you know what

There is only one body in this bed
And it's mine,
And it misses you
And it wishes it did not have to.

and everytime i come to you,
everytime i listen to your hurt or your joy,
to your brightest ideas or your worsts,
and everytime i let you bring me closer and make me small in your arms,
every single time,
it's because i chose
to keep on loving you.

theres a paper copy of taylor swift stuck on the window, an acab sign in her hands
this is the start,
there's an uber driver on a bike singing like i don't exist

this is the part where im cold

here the water overflows and this street understands my journey
two strangers talking about music and growing up with AC/DC and the Red Hots, parents' music shaping you up,
they understand me too

there's leaves falling, the sounds like bricks on the pavement
i sit down, back turned to the church
i heard there's at least one spider living every two meters
im scared of them, like a child's memory never truly leaving,
but the rain has calmed down, or calmed me down, which is which
i heard that wheather is always partly in the mind
i don't resent drops and winds and lightning anymore
i made them, right ? i'm strong enough for that
if i can create water and angry skies then
why do i fear creating anything else.

Feel like a rabid dog, waiting to set his claws in any moving legs,
I'll bite and bite and bite
I'll tear the flesh, chew the bones, swallow the bits and pieces and ask for more
Feed me once and we'll both regret it,
I can't be kept from touch when the craving gets so deep.

he is the lover,
he asks me to come to him and he wraps me up in warmth and he
feeds me like i deserve it, loves me like we would die without it,
he whispers that he missed me, these few hours we were apart,
asks me if i am willing to give more and i always am,
then keeps giving and giving and ringing out the
tenderness in his hands,

he is the lover
and it scares me
how happy one person can make us.

I've read poems about doves and stones afloat in rivers sunlit by the warmth of summer,
and poems about love so intense it cuts you into tiny pieces of longing.

But where is the poem I need about
despising yourself so much it aches,
spreads around you like a sickening disease and leaves your body to rot in shame
and self inflicted panic.

About not being able to pour anything but cowardice in every action you take,
about feeling so alone that
you end up eating yourself.

About hate becoming fuel becoming fire becoming ashes
of you.

You did this to yourself,
What poems can help you now ?

so what if i died right there,
mouth wide open,
killed by the number of rejections my body has had to suffer through,
mine first and then the rest,
a grief made out of pebbles and rocks and other sharp objects.

what if i gave up, right now,
body crumpled in a knot
of all the hate it has received over the years,
yours first and then
the one i started throwing at it too.

there is only so much time one can save before the ticking of the clock gets too much
to keep walking in dry lands.
show me the ****** water
let me drown in it,
I should be the king of me.

there's something a little bit heartbreaking about
never have been desired before.
does my skin repulse you,
is it the nose, the roundness of my cheeks,
the shaved hair, the hairy legs, the colors i'm proud to bear,
or is it the way i can't be held in a cage.
i am queer.
why is loving me a rebel act ?

I was writing you words of love, thinking it would be sweet and beautiful
Because that's what love is, isnt it
Took my pen and papers and started inking the pages

But my words were not as kind as I expected
Instead I wrote about
Fearing I would never be enough for you, because when you shine so bright
Surely I can't be anything but dull.

I thanked you for
bearing with me, because I was hard to know
and I thanked you for your patience
in front of my self loathing
and for your will to stay
when clearly I was too much or not enough
both at once.

So I tore down the letter.
Why were these words the only ones that came to me, why does love hide so many
ugly truths
I don't want them to be the only traces left of us

So, someday, I will tell you instead,
and my letter will only be the candid,
the beauty.
And the raw, devastating parts of
loving someone so much it hurts,
I'll hold on to them a little bit longer.

Because I'll grow out of hating myself,
But I wont grow out of loving you.

one time i dreamt i was a boy and i haven't really stopped since.
the dream followed me around all day, as if i wasn't meant to live anyway.
dream of mine, can you stop ?
i know that you are beautiful,
i see your truth and your lessons,
the way your hands look like mine but can hold a lot more of the world in them,
i love you, i truly do,
but i am the only one.
dream i dreamt, i beg you to stop,
because maybe i will never reach you,
and that hurts me way more than you do.

you think that people won't love you if you don't put in the effort,

that they won't stay if you're not here all the time and ready to listen, and

you do not have to be a comfort
to be deserving of love.

and so, no one has any obligation to prove their love to you,

for it to exist still.

used to feel so alone when you were two,
felt like i was the dust on your shoes
while you kept on walking.
i'd settle on the pavement and ask
why am i here, with you,
but barely breathing.

nowadays i'm the one pushing you
to be two again,
because you love and love them
and i love you both too.
running all three together,
that's what i reached for all along,
the rest is up to you.

maybe i can't be creative because i don't
have a life
maybe i can only exist as an artist when i remember
to exist as a being first
but breathing isn't so fun these days,
the dip in my bed, the one in my stomach,
the one in my chest,
i could make art out of more painful endeavours,
but what about emptiness ?

put your body next to mine, if you dare
and let my hands play with your skin,
they'll be soft i promise,
like two little curious things
playing notes on your stomach,
touching your fingers shyly in reverence and
nesting in your hair when they get tired.
they love you,
let them rest right there
in your arms.

it's the golden one that you want,
that which is burried deep inside of me,
you dont want the heart who beats the same song
for everyone it meets,
its charm blinded you into reaching
for more,
for more,
for more than that, even.
its not all of me that you love, then,
your fingers only crave the sad embrace
of my golden heart,
i'm not giving this one away.
i'm not.

you want to steal it all for yourself
you can't steal 𝑚𝑒 !
i'm all i have.

     I can’t take love and I can’t take its absence.
     I have everything, take none of it.
     I feel sorry for loving too much, I feel sorry for not loving enough,
     I feel sorry for the hope I create in everybody’s chests,
     The smashing realization that it won’t ever come true.

                    Même si je ne sais pas trop quoi en faire et je ne peux pas
                    toujours recevoir le tiens, j'ai beaucoup d'amour pour toi.

tell me to walk right ahead,
and say you'll be right there to take care of me
through all the messy parts of changing and
maybe for a while,
we could grow a little bit older together
unfit lovers that we are,
until my body gets weirder and bolder and
more beautiful than I could've predicted.
and you could fall for me then,
be a little selfish too,
ask me to wait while you're the one walking,
or to follow when the change is in you,
and i would,
i would.

Sometimes i wonder if i exist in someone else's sketchbooks,
a tiny drawing of me living.
My life captured by learning hands

I think about the pictures people hold on their phones or albums,
The ones i didn't realize existed but still have a little moment of who i am

How many spaces have i filled that i simply didn't know about ?
I want to count them all and know, see how much i breathe in others' eyes But

I'm okay with me
I exist for me
I don't need that kind of comfort except for curiosity.

the words come easy
when they are about love
they float around me,
and my mouth speaks
before i can regret letting out
all that i hold inside of me
the light and the beauty
spilling out
im shy.

we lay down in your bed,
but this time
my teeth pull the words back
my throat is on fire
so much of it
burning
why aren't they floating
i want to
tell you
show you
the love choking me up
im scared.

until my lips
stop trembling
until my hands
are brave enough to
hold us in their warmth
will you wait for me
I'll come back
with every
word and every
phrase
and every
tiny bit of longing
i swallowed back
for us,
i won't let all of it
disappear inside me,
not this time,
i love you.

A peculiar little bird, quite fond of the warmth of
Summer flights,
Has been found perched on my branches
For quite a while
Singing.

A friend to most, quite dear to me,
This little bird
Attached his nest quite messily,
Then went around with evening's glee,
Flying.

A crooked fellow, he loved to sow
Sweet little seeds,
Happy to grow
In the bark, in the soil,
Everything always nurtured in joy,
Glowing.

Alas,
This winter, it seems the cold took you away,
How sad to see a tree with no song,
Left alone in decay.

At last,
When spring comes back around,
In the sway of leaves going round and round,
Like a choir singing along,
Perhaps will be heard another song.

Driving at night and watching the city lights flash by,
Going to the lake and napping in the sun, the water quiet just to let us sing,
Walking when it gets dark and not caring about the morning to come,
Watching flocks of birds departing for far far away,
Breakfast with my mom outside while the air is still as fresh as the grass,
Those nights we wanted a huge feast and ended up being too many to fit in tiny kitchens,
My body breaking to the music in crowds,
Bus rides that made my *** hurt for hours,
Sleeping in on sundays, knowing i'll walk to school when the next cold day comes,
Chosing to live everyday,
Not simply existing because I have to hold on for later,

But mostly what i miss is family,
and freedom.

lately ive been getting lost in music,
lately ive been trying my best to drown myself
in a poetic way, mind you,
i've always disliked water.

the strings, the intakes of breath before the voice gets higher,
drums and harmonies and the longing in that last note,
the one that tells you it's the end of the show,
i hear it all now.

lately ive been something, anything, and nothing all at
the same second,
lately ive been tired. lately ive been exhausted. lately ive been in bed. lately ive been out of breath. lately ive been. i have. i think i have, im sure i have.

theres this passage i like, deeper in the song,
you heard of it ? let me explain a bit
please listen to me, for a bit
share my passion, share my love, just for a bit
its all i have, this little bit
feel its lonely rythm, at least.

lately ive been saved by music,
lately ive been falling asleep.

you kiss me
you kiss me,
that'd never happen (will it ?)
i know (do i ?)
but you kiss me
and i don't soar, i don't fly i don't do nothing of that
i just hold your hand and thank the prayer,
thank the saint, thank the giver,
i don't ask for one more, don't want it
just once, 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦.

if you can't be happy yet its okay,
i have enough happiness for two,
i'll simply share with you.

you are the person i have loved the most strongly,
the most intense highs, the lowest lows
i love you, feel protective of you,
anywhere you go, i want you to find
loving words and loving hands,
so obviously, take mine first, they wont ever leave,

then find all that you can find,
i trust the world to treat you as kindly as you wish it.

and always you think you'd be better if you moved somewhere far away,
or if your room was prettier,
the windows bigger to let the sun in and the decor more elaborate than what you can afford,
but in you,
deep down, you know
the ceiling has cracks, holes,
and the walls are rotten and you 𝑘𝑛𝑜𝑤
you are the only broken thing here.

and when the world around us stopped spinning
i'm glad you were here with me, holding on.

when our hearts started beating too loud for our bodies to keep on
at least we were two,
and my bed, warm like a hug made it easier
to breathe with you.

in march, i stopped breathing.
one entire year spent stumbling,
and then finally, a friend to us, lost,
never to be heard again, seen again,
in my memories, he keeps on smiling
under the fireworks he lit in all of us.

to the lost ones, to the ones who keep
flailing and flailing through any cities,
any families, any wishes,
i pray for our feet to walk sturdily
to flee our own sorrows, our sad
mistakes, sad, like everyone else's.

today i went in your room
time stopped counting itself since you've been gone
but the dust collects and the
pink shorts on your bed
are still pink, i admit
i picked them up just to see if things
changed as fast as me,
they don't really.

i put them on just like i promised I'd do a month or so ago
it's not as fun, this color,
without you.

so i let them back on your bed,
but i changed the placement, changed the movement,
you were there once and now you're gone
and we're both the witness of it all.

I want you so bad and you will never get it, and maybe neither will I but god,
I want to touch you in a way nobody ever has before, want my hands to worship you as if you were my own creation,
God made you soft and I thank Him for it
But your skin calls for mine and I,
I know you hear it too.