you could put your arm right over my arm,
lock your eyes into my eyes,
and i'd ask you to go wherever i go,
or let me stay wherever you stay.

monster, by the lake
look at me, arms opened wide
i wait
for in your eyes i knew a flame
of wonder, monster
burning away my fears
of you.

sorrowful sorrow,
have you swallowed up
in your endless depths
my good
haunted friend ?
he who was waiting
for me
to come back
by the lake.

here i am, monster
this time i did not run
no,
i embraced each
cursed tree
of this forest.
i walked. no,
i crawled, no
i almost killed my self.
here i am, monster.
i do not fear
your eyes
whatever sadness
anger, pain,
hurt,
they bear.

water, show me my
face,
my arms opened,
show me the eyes,
show me the rotten flesh,
i dare look. i dare.
monster,

here you are.

I am the bravery of someone desperate enough to love,
I am its strongest, most willing soldier.
I will grab the mountains and skies,
I will paint you and write you and cherish you.
And them, too.
Can you take all of me?
Can you survive without me.

so tell me how you love me,
how deep it runs, what color it makes,
because i don't really know
what i am to you,
and i wish i could look in your eyes
and trust their story,
but our spark and my novelty
will fade away someday,
and what will stay of us then,
will you still hold me close
and love me just the same ?

thinking about holding your hand as i walk,
its cold out, so
could you press your cheek against my neck
tell me not to leave just yet
tighten your arms around me
cage me in your warmth,

when did i let myself
slip so far under your skin ?
and
can i stay there

that is what you are
with your hands on fire
and my back burned to a crisp
and the soft breaths you let out
like a warning
that you are hungry for more
i know it, glutton,
you and the teeth of your fingers
i feel their want,
and still i fake sleeping.
I'm afraid, sweet one,
I'm afraid.

even stars get tired
when their stupid brains won't work and their broken hands can't follow
i soar so high all the time that the fall
******* hurts, you know.
please hold me in your hand before i crumble,
i'm tired of having to do it all
by myself,
star's exhausted, doesn't shine anymore,
just needs to lay down
for a while,
please just let me breathe.

i was too exhausted to ask you for comfort,
just wanted to sleep in my bed and
forget that the day was beautiful and
still i felt unhappy,
still slumber just wouldn't take me.

yet my chest thanked you in the night when it soared and i
could feel your arms
like a feeble protection over me,
your body pressed to mine
to guard me,

i was glad to be loved by you
in this tender lonely night,
just happy to be a we.

i don't want to be kissed, i don't wish to be held,
i need to sit on a bus and
go nowhere,
        somewhere in this world.

these are my guts, laid on the table,
and they are hungry for more
than any pair of hands can feed them.
i don't want your prying eyes on me,
i'd rather go blind,
           i'd rather go.

When I look at you at night I think
God, why did you make him,
Just to please me or haunt me ?
I don't know if having you or being far would hurt more
I don't know if my body could stand the hurricane of your skin on mine, or if it would burn itself without it.

What can a man do but love you, what can I do but want you,
Because I 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 you.
I need to touch the neck that keeps your head high and thank it,
I want to feel your hands on my face, reverent, like they never want to leave
Want to hear your voice crack when I touch you,
Your whispers, your moans, the deep notes it would sing when I let you unravel under me,
I want it so bad, I would accept anything.
Even a second of it. Even less than that.
Anything from you, God do you hear my plea, anything from you.

almost fell asleep, a few moments ago,
thinking about asking if i could kiss them,
an everlasting question of desire and want and curiosity,
so could i please
know what it is like to kiss you,
i ask politely,
to the friends i hold close like lovers.

almost started dreaming, a little bit after that,
imagined you not even asking, but getting
close
and closer,
and taking the kiss from me,
and me giving it to you willingly,
because with you it's something else,
i want you to want me.
we wouldn't even have to be polite about it,
you, the lover
i hold close like a friend.

i love you i love you i love you
i both want to kiss you goodbye and wish you the best day after day,
want you to find your purpose and reach your dreams and shower you in gifts all the way,
i wish i could see you grow and love and marry a man and have a family,
i want to let you fly, i wanna make you fly,
i wanna slip in your bed and not leave until my body's decided it's enough,
wanna kiss you hello and wish you goodnight,
i didn't know love could be this way
until we made it so.

pipe down pipe down,
the too strong feelings went away like smoke,
i love you on the regular dose now
can't tell whether i feel relief or fear
think i loved the idea of you too much
but im good with me now
calmer alone,
you are the wind that makes the flammes burn a bit brighter
and not the whole fire,
i am the whole fire.

i saved a picture of you in my phone a while back
saw it and got angry
how can you be so pretty? i wondered
thought it was jealousy, for your beauty and your strong shoulders, and the shimmers over your eyes,
now i realize i was probably just gone all along.
a match of attraction and
bitterness, admiration,
and love,
and being too ****** queer about it all.

maybe i was just hiding behind pride and shiny things,
maybe the shame i hold inside myself was too big to be left unseen,
bright colors and silky clothes, dozens of rings and necklaces, and the swish swish of oversized chains on oversized pants on oversized everything,

all meant to hide the ugly swirls of my hands,
the highest notes of my voice,
the round parts of a body i cant stand to see from your eyes.

or then again
it could just be called surviving.

to me,
you shine so bright ! beautiful
i'm glad you let me in, to see your messed up parts,
glad to know you trust me this much,
i won't ever miss you like a hole in my chest because
that's where you live and i can't miss a part of me, right ?
thank you for your light and
know that i won't ever stop loving the sun
even if the sun feels cold,
even if his light goes out.
he will find it again,
and i'll be right there with you.

teach me how to live again, i beg you
forgive me for my impatience and tie me up
    into a better creator, a well rounded friend, any-
    Thing. please, correct me, hold my body right.
time has left me to be all alone in a crowded world,
each of my synapses betraying my will to move
    inside it, surrounded by other fools surviving on
    empty. just like me ! are you just like me. am i
Alone. am i
alone, love, am i alome. love. am i alove. am i alone.
i am alone. i am alone.
Alone.

realized i loved you while i brushed my teeth,
maybe i should tell you
the next time i do.

my mouth will be clean of all the dirt i swallowed
thinking i was guilty of a sin,
for loving you.

life is funny like that, because this time the sin
is only lying, and not
being born as me.

a *** and a ****.
sitting in a tree
brushing their teeth.
i fell in love first,
life is so funny to me.

im twenty one and the world won't wait for me anymore,
stuck between living and remembering i lived
every moment has to count,
every second a memory,
can't look at pictures
without  wanting to print them in time, again and again
what if i forget the small pieces i've lived
with you,
when i'll be alone, when the sky will have turned
grey and full of sorrow,
will my old bones remember you

time has passed me by,
and i'm so young i know but
time has passed me by,
and we should savour it, we know but
time keeps passing by,
i'd rather die happy than
bored by destiny,
just passing by

i'll soon be twenty two and that's when
talented gems start to shine,
all the words i wrote,
will they matter to anyone else but me,
will they be sang or heard,
and all i wanted to create,
can't look at my hands
without thinking of wasted potential, again and again,
what if i didn't matter at all,
what if i was the one wasting time,
and when the sky turns its back on me,
will my old bones have lived happy.

it's raining today.
i can't see it, though the raindrops creep in under my skin,
water flooding me from inside,
where was i going with this except that the drops
are asking questions about things i was so sure of, until now.
what am i to you.
what am i to me,
isn't rain supposed to cleanse ? i'm still so *****.

I've made it complicated, loving you,
But the seasons have changed,
And so did i, so did you.

when the wind pierces through
my skin, gently,
mouth resonating, I sing.

teeth crackling, rumbles of words
pieces of answers, pieces of mind,
little melodies, I speak.

winter, your harsher airs
creeping through my soft tissues,
bones lonely, I mute myself.

fingernails peeling off, shaking,
puking my insides, cold notes,
cold loves, cold leaves,
cold fears, I shrink.

"i love you !" i say as i tear myself open
with how much i still think you don't love me back like i do
what a clown i make,
what a sad excuse for a friend
not to tell you i was so insecure about us,
that i'd rather cry on the way home than in your house.
i won't apologize for feeling,
but i'm sorry for lying.

coming to the realization that if i could let myself die slowly, i would,
was the worst christmas present i could give myself.
there comes a moment where you are so miserable that you can't even pity your own **** self,
self hate is so stupid,
so time consuming and egotistical,
and yet i cant stop it. i can't shut it up.
i am an ugly child, and i
don't remember how to live like an adult
when the world around me crumbles and cannot hold me up
anymore.

veins and bones and flesh and stones and
breathing ******* the sidewalks when my lungs've decided to give out
how long have i been hiding
choking this part of me
its growing out, out
flesh and veins and bones turnin stones
cant be like other kids my body's broke

like cutin off my limbs
feel one but live as two,
cant let you win this one,
i'll be me before you
magic in my hands,

i'll let it shine through.

When we touch I let myself be held,
let my body rest in your warmth, protected.
I show you the most vulnerable part of me,
the one that is small and quiet, soft.
I let you near
the crevices in my bones
the beating drums in my chest
the wreckage of desires I refuse to see for myself.

But when I hold somebody else,
someone I should love the same,
someone I should want to touch in a more intimate way than I want to touch you,
someone who could be a lover,
the feeling is not the same.
I protect. I witness the pliant animal that is her body, safe in my hands,
but it's not the same.

I miss you,
I imagine your arms instead.

i only love the kindness i give to you and i hate all the rest,
what do i offer the world day after day except the bitterness of someone who can't be bothered to live for real,
what good am i, for myself.
i don't know. i don't know and i'm tired of trying.

I'd rather you tell me no,
not right now,
not tonight,
then yes,
as in pity,
as in obligation,
as in "I don't want to, but I'll make an effort just to please you".
I am not as fragile
as you think,
I don't want to be an effort,
I want to be a conscious
choice.

Dans tes yeux je vois qui je suis,
Qui je pourrais être aussi,
Dans tes yeux je sais qui tu es,
Toujours, toujours je te verrai.

Dans les lignes de tes mains,
Je reconnais tous les galets qu'on croise aux coins des océans,
A la fois polis et soyeux, carressés amoureusement par les vagues,
Et rauques, sauvages, sculptés par la pluie et l'écume,
Prêts à affronter chaque orage.

Et quand le soleil se lève a tes cotés,
Qu'il se couche dans tes bras,
Dans les sourires de tes reflets
Dans le son de ta voix,
Dans l'effluve de tes pensées,
Dans chaque creux de tes doigts,
Je te vois toi.

every species has its weaklings,
every tree its cracked branches,
there is equity in loss and rotten eggs, i know.

but what does the sorrow in my heart
bring the world around me
but more little drops of despair in this giant sea ?

if i cannot bring myself to love
as it is wanted from me,
if loneliness is the price i pay for a breath,

i would hope somewhere in a desert
a most beautiful blossom
dare to wake.

Lately all the words I write,
and all the things I draw,
and all the love I let spill out,
Theyre all about you.

I'm so exhausted, man !
So tired of loving you.

One day you'll find someone,
And that day I'll see what you were to me,
and what I was to you.

But now all I know is that
Every **** word, every last thought,
About you.

i will never quite fit into my body
it won't ever be a temple,
oozing perfection and glory,
bathed in all that i wish it was born as.

my body will never quite fit me,
but it might become a home,
reflecting love and pride,
built by years of hardships just to thrive.

You make me go quiet.

i wanna forget sleep,
i want your hands on my chest,
i want to kiss you good morning,
then night,
maybe afternoon too,
i wanna go on a trip,
i want to sing our songs on the radio,
i want your hand in my hand,
i want to live peacefully and know
you won't be too far away from me,
i want to live loudly and know,
you will be way too close to me,
i want to love you all i can,
show it all i can,
live it all i can.

I'll sleep after that.

fog, all around, murk and then
beautiful trees, fruit awaiting to be bit into,
everyday the same ***** waters but delicious offerings.

my body healthy but hidden away under clothes too big and chains and accessories and other pretty things,
my heart open but shying away from prying hands who want to help and pulling back when love gets tougher,
my mind free but bound to a chair and a desk and no will to make anything come alive for long,
my hands ready but only when it comes to fleeing their own work.

happiness on some fruity corners and then the rest of the room has to be ignored, it has to
or else how am i going to move on.

my face bursting open, awfully gorish,
scrapping my head on the asphalt right
in front of my house, door still opened.
the rocks break my teeth and i still
don't stop moving, i don't.
the ground must feel my pain, back to the earth
right at its center my blood should return, safe.
i tear it apart, what's left of me, this awful body
ripped to shreds, destroyed so cruelly, i rip it,
again and again
feel my flesh, see,
see my pain.
watch me.

feels like the most relieving thing that could happen to me,
not the act of it,
but the thought of leaving and being remembered for a while
as a bunch of stories and words of wisdom and weird connections,
and maybe the color i wore the most will remind a few about me,
or maybe the clothes i left behind will find another holder,
but then at some point,
i wil be forgotten, and isn't that peaceful.
to have lived, and seen, and talked, learnt for so many years, and your existence will have mattered for some and been invisible for others, until eventually
you die,
and the world goes on without you,
and you will have been a small part of it.

everytime a new piece of me is found after much digging
i grieve for all the forms i simply cannot be.

for the almost boy who thought he could be anything,
the harsher truth is found in relinquishing infinites.

i am but a sum of pieces, moving around, evolving,
yet also the difference of all that doesnt make me.

my ***** hands which loathe doors that must stay locked,
they too shall never know peace, shall always hold grief.

it pours out of me like fire and i let it
it feels so good being in love, but mostly
it's loving you that
makes it all worth it

be happy be joyful be brave
i love you, i hope it makes you stronger
just like it made me.

i hope i look at you with as much love in my eyes
as you do

you are beautiful to me,
i wish i could explain it better,
make it prettier,

you are the brightest star
the warmest blanket,
the comfort of a soft bed after a tiring day,
the flowers blooming on my porch,
the shape hands make when they mean love.

i know if im beautiful to you,
i dont understand it but im sure it's true,
i love you.

when people look at our hands,
im afraid of all they can see
of me.

what if they fear
i dont love you enough?
what if they see
all the love i feel for you?

i have to close the door
to their voyeurism.
i have to open it
for us to walk through.

hold my hand tighter,
im still afraid
of me.

i wanna untangle myself from the ashes of the world
we are too rotten to be grateful
horrid little creatures of the land, stomping on it, spitting on it,
too putrid to deserve the right to make amends.

every morning and every night
i feel homesick
alone on a bed of concrete
i daydream about a plane and a crowd
of foolish friends hugging me back
every step i take out of the room
makes it all better, i know,
but what about the moment i fall asleep
unheld and unfound,
i wish someone would come free me.

do you hate when i love other people, not
a jealousy about possession,
but one about wishing for things you just don't allow
yourself to have,
and then seeing them everywhere around you like
it cost nothing.

do you want me to get
even closer,
but are just too afraid to voice it yet,
do you want me to tell you just how much
i long for you even when you're here,

i see you but
what do your eyes hold inside
that i just can never reach.

Mine and everyone else's, it seems ;
I should send you poetry, singing your louanges,
your graces, your beauty. Words of god,
Gratefulness unyielding, pouring from every ounce of
my exhausting body.
Let me stop speaking, then ;
So your voice can fill the blank,
teaching us the ways in which we all lack,
humbling us, making you rise.

Have you heard the story, of the man inside the earth ?
Mouths say he stays holding it all, this miracle,
Thanks to all his hainous disdain for anything else
𝑏𝑢𝑡 ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑜𝑤𝑛 𝑐𝑜𝑟𝑒.

Bow down to his feet, kiss them a little bit.
He, who surely must truly be
The Man above us all.

In 10days this was my home
and i knew all its circuits
Then i packed up my bags
In one single moment,
didn't belong here anymore,
Took my dust with me
and said goodbye.
I came in with the sun and am leaving with it in my pocket,
The rain as my deeply felt thanks.