And I reach my finger so far down my throat as if I'm fishing, I can never seem to catch anything besides sea sickness. A whole ocean pouring from my mouth, the saltiness burns as it comes up. The waves are violent, as if they are trying to knock me all the way down to the bottom. Cement fills my head dragging me down even faster. And I'm stranded on this island, I sit here thinking that this is going to be what finally kills me. I continue to starve, almost as though I'm used to it already.
I used to fish with my grandfather, I miss when things were simply me.
All my life i have been devoted to a god of lust There’s red flowing all around me Images in my head of a body, beaten and ****** Burning me up like flames of agony Like falling through your thorns To get to the roses Oh how i adore the scent of copper and pollen As you overtake me again
I wake up the next day, With bruises and swollen cuts Admire my marks Among my fading scars This forbidden love Eats me up, then spits me out And leaves me starving
Feel like a rabid dog, waiting to set his claws in any moving legs, I'll bite and bite and bite I'll tear the flesh, chew the bones, swallow the bits and pieces and ask for more Feed me once and we'll both regret it, I can't be kept from touch when the craving gets so deep.
“I wanted to be happy” The words crept from my lips like scurrying little spiders when their home disturbed amongst darkened cobwebs in an untouched dingy room Intrusive thoughts Dismaying salvation of pathologized compliance Masking behaviour for acceptance “Stop spinning in that chair- it’s annoying” Self expression became punishable Dismaying youth- retribution beyond reasonable understanding Belted and crying Please stop, it hurts Fearful avoidance Nothing feels safe Transmitting adulthood with repressed memories though awakened by medical emergency of your cat Navigating uncertainty since July; desperately attempting to understand inner workings of trauma brain Complex post traumatic stress disorder Medical diagnosis though intrusive thoughts still catastrophic Chronic pain with desolation Desperately craving the touch of another human Covid times; worsening depression combatting betraying myself with fathers abusive words while unproductively masquerading oversleeping Powerlifting self regulation though collapsing under the bar. If they wanted to talk to you They would make effort Though I still fawn my way to self acceptance After all; That’s what my parents taught me to do.