I have honestly never met anyone so wonderful in my life,
I used to talk all the time how I would long for my childhood back...
And now it definitely feels like I have it
With you I feel like a little girl again running around the house with you
Tickle fights
You joking being mean to me and I run away
But you still manage to catch me everytime
Cause I'll always give into you
You've always just been there since year 5 in school just always there
in the background of my life and its so crazy!!
You were just there the whole time and I had no idea
that you out of everyone would mean this much to my heart

My life in its whole self
is completely flipped
completely different
brand spanking new
I prayed so hard for something
I never thought would come
I prayed so hard for a fresh start
Completely flip turned life
I was over the past
I hated it
It was filled with far too much grief
Eating disorders, depression
Anxiety, Insomnia, Broken Hearted,
Scared, everything seemed to just come back and haunt me
The one person I thought would be there forever
Never really cared as much as I thought
Never really gave as much as I would
But then somehow
Everything changed so quickly
I lived somewhere else
Found someone new
and wonderful
Found myself and owned it
Began to love myself from the love I was shown
From the people I managed to surround myself with
I prayed so hard back then for something to come
Someone to come
I didn't know what would come of it
But they were definitely answered
And thank goodness they were....
Because now...
Everything seems to be fitting in how it always should have...
But I guess we're all meant to go on a little adventure
called life,
And experience life without them
So now we can come together as one
and share our stories with each other
And appreciate them even more.

I loved you
Gave you everything I had
Let you in
Show'd you all my emotions
Told you everything
And now
You tell me this
You choose to tell me when I'm at my worst
Just to add to it all
Just to make it even worse
I should've saved it
Why didn't you tell me ages ago
I hate you for this
You don't even care for me
Like you used to
Did you even genuinely care before

Give you everything I am,
Let you in
Practically give myself to you
dragged it out for just over a year
and you choose to tell me now
Good ******* job you ****
*******

I want you and your sleepy cuddles at 4AM sleeping next to me while I'm asleep in your jumper holding onto you with my head on your chest as you play gently with my hair to help me fall asleep again

I feel so alone
He was the only person I could talk to
About absolutely everything
And feel completely comfortable telling him
Now I have no one
I'm so alone

Sitting on the steps outside
Middle of winter at 1am
Sick
Tears streaming
Heartbroken
Just take me

So many people
Asked me today
Are you okay bro?
Are you alright?
What's wrong?
Truth is idk if I am okay
I don't think I am
But then again
I don't exactly know why I'm so sad either

Cool your so fucken cool mate!!!!!!!!





Ffs

You have no idea do you
I may be in love with you
And no matter how hard I try
To push that away
To block out all those feelings for you
To move on to some other man
That would love me so much
I just can't seem to
No matter how hard I try
I just can't
Your always in the back of my mind
Reminding me of what we had
The beauty of it
The first time you hugged me
The first time you held my hand
When we fell asleep together cuddling
When you scared me only to hug me and keep me safe
The first time you saw me cry
You just held me and said it would all be alright
The first time we walked home just you and I
The first time I leaned my head on your shoulder
The first time you helped me dance
I felt alive you brought me back to life
You made me feel free genuinely happy
Genuinely safe
And it hurts
**** it hurts so so fucken much
To think what we had then
Is nothing now
I want to cry so much
It hurts so badly
You weren't even really an ex
But maybe your were an ex maybe
An ex something
An ex possibly
It felt like we were dating
You held my hand
You let me sleep on your chest cuddling me tightly
You told me to stay safe
You told me you had my back
You held my in your arms and kept me safe
You watched me cry and held me
You told me you'd never let anyone hurt me that as long as you were there I'd be safe
But here you are hurting me yourself your there I'm hurting so much and you have no idea
How much I love you

I want it back how it used to be
Back when I was happy
All the time
When I was happy to see you
When everything was dandy
Love was in the air
When I was okay again

You were there for me through my worst moments you hugged me when I needed it most you let me cry and sleep on your shoulder and you wouldn't let me sleep feeling alone and sad til you made sure I was okay again you wouldn't sleep yourself til you had made sure I was home safe you were protective of other people hurting me and said you'd never let them get to me as long as you were there you said you'd always have my back and to tell you if anything ever happened and you'd be there we used to tell each other everything now it's nothing now it's just small talk no more DMC'S no more deep late night conspiracy theory talks about aliens and the world I miss that a lot

**** this
**** that
People are slowly growing apart from me
I can see it
Is it because I'm not doing anything to stop it
Or are they purposely moving on
My best friend is being taken away
My first love hardly talks to me anymore
My boys I don't much talk to
I miss them
v.v
I'm upset with it all
This *****
I don't really want to be here anymore

They say drugs are bad
They're addicting
That's why they make them illegal
But honey love is the most powerful drug
It's the most addicting
Causes the most pain
Yet legalised
Cause
You're my high
You're my drug
Somehow I keep coming back
Cause its so **** addicting
That good feeling in my soul
Even if it only last a little while

Whatever we had then
Is now gone

You showed me what it was to love myself
To feel good in my own skin
How to care about another person more than anything I ever have before
You showed me how it feels to hold your hand
You showed me I could get butterflies just from cuddling you at night as you played with my hair til I fell asleep
You showed me how much one person could care about me and my safety
You showed me how much you cared about how safe I was more than you needed sleep
But everything's changed now
It feels like
I'm left feeling hurt
In tears and I don't know what to do
Do I let you go
Or try a little harder
cause now we hardly talk
and you have no idea how much that hurts

He is the only person I've ever felt genuinely safe in their arms like nothing could touch me I finally felt safe for the first time only with him and no one can take that away no matter what you say I will always fall for his smile because of everything he has done for me

You don't understand
I get that
You don't see it how I do
You don't really realize the beauty of it
The messages
The touch
The caring protection
the feeling of safety
You just don't see that
Cause I don't really tell you
You dont understand
I get it
But don't put them down
please
I love them

I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life
I don't know what it entails
But I have a good feeling about it
I hope it brings joy, love, and something to do
I've been offered an opportunity soon
So I hope that goes well
I'm ready to start this new chapter
And I'm happy

Is it strange
To not worry so much
When I can feel myself drifting away from you
I don't seem to mind somehow
All that I've been put through
Kind of feels okay to be slowly drifting
.-.

I miss my childhood
When everything was so much easier
I wasn't scared to fall in love
I wasn't even scared to fall out of the tree
I fell of the fence enough times it felt normal
Normal to fall
But back then
I never got hurt from falling
Back then the hardest decision was what flavor ice cream i wanted at the bus depot with my dad
The worst thing that happened was my ice cream falling off the cone onto the floor
I miss the simplicity of things
The way I could play outside for hours and not get bored
When I used to play around on the street with my best friend riding our bikes til the street lamps came on and we knew to get our ***** home
I miss the old days
When life was simple
And I was oblivious to the horrors of this world
The bad things that actually happen
That there's more monsters than the imaginary ones under my bed
That I will end up falling but this time I'll probably get hurt
It wont be falling off the fence it will be falling in love
It won't be losing an ice cream
It will be losing a friend
A loved one

Have you ever been in love?
Horrible isn't it. You spend so much time building up this brick wall, this whole suit of armor so no one can hurt you then one day some stupid person comes along and slowly unbuilds this wall and you give them a piece of you they didn't even ask you to love them it just sort of happened because they were stupid and let you believe they cared, protected you from everything let you think you had a chance then one day they'll ignore you or forget you and it hurts like a splinter of glass being stabbed into your heart, it hurts not just in the mind or imagination but a soul-hurt a real gets inside you and rips you apart pain. I hate love

When you miss someone
So much it hurts
Like physically hurts
And it makes you cry
It *****
I miss you heaps

Its kinda sad really
When you can feel
One of your favorite people
Slowly slipping away from you
It's not as exciting now when you talk to them
It doesn't make you that happy anymore
The little things they do
Its kinda sad really
When you can feel them
Slipping out of your reach
Off on their own journey
Without you

Here I was overthinking everything
It's a bit selfish of me really
I need to expand my mind
Think of others
What they're doing
What may be masking their thoughts right now
You won't fall in love with another girl over there
I've been reading my journal today of old times with you
The memories we shared
The conversations we had
How you'd protect me and make sure I was safe
Never let me sleep until I was alright again
Solve my problems for me
Help me
Give me a hand with even little silly things
Help me see the light
Show me that it's not as bad as it may seem
Show me that sometimes my perspective isn't the only perspective and help me to see through other people's eyes
You've helped me with everything
And I'm eternally grateful
The way you look at me
The way you hug me
The way you've held my hand
The way you put your arms around me to keep me safe
I'm silly for ever forgetting that
Re reading these memories
Brought tears to my eyes
Happy tears
Because I finally realised
My mind is being silly
It's because I miss you
I overthink these things
Your extremely busy
And I forgot that
Good luck for your competition in an hour
You'll do great
Can't wait to see you again soon
And have a safe trip on Tuesday
Much love
:) x

You're 1473 miles away
It kinda hurts
You're over there and im over here
I'm missing you and
I probably haven't even crossed your mind once
I'm sitting writing listening to twenty one pilots
And you're there listening to rap and thinking about dance
I want to talk to you but you don't seem to want to as well
I'm here I'm not great but you have no idea cause it's the one thing I can't seem to tell you
Please don't fall in love with someone new
Please don't meet some hot new girl over there
It'll hurt so badly
I'm afraid of losing you
I told you I missed you and the boys
And all you could say was "Lolz"
What does that even mean
Then you say you "gotta bounce"
But your online for another two hours
You don't care
I was fooled that you actually did
But now you've just been treating me like one of your boys
I'm confused
Are you actually worth it anymore
I'm starting to wonder

My leg hurts :P
I still need physio
Ugh

Mentally, it's painful

Dear fresh wound
Why did I let it happen again
How could I do this to myself again
Dear fresh wound
Sitting high on my thigh

Your scent still lingers
On my jacket
It's been a week
Yet your still lingering
On my sleeve
Did you really hug me that much
Or did I just hug you too tightly
Because I knew it was goodbye
For a little while

Safe travels bruh **

I miss you so fucken much its not even funny anymore!!! :(
As soon as your back
and I get to see you
prepare yourself
because imma run up to you
and almost bowl you over with my hug
okay?
okay
:D :) <3
x

I miss you so much
Talking to you last night helped a little
But not really
I want to see you
In person
I wanna run up to you and hug you and not let go for ages
I wanna laugh with you again
I want to play yellow car and punch you softly again so you'll tell me my punches are too soft "like a breeze"
and we'll laugh and you'll get me to try punch my hardest
But I won't scared of hurting you
But then I do and it's still not hard
I want to walk in the dark with you
Where we just talk about everything
When you point something out in the bush in the darkness
Just to scare me so I'll move closer to you and be like oh my gosh what?
And then you'll laugh and Ill push you again
And then we'll both laugh with your arm around my shoulders
Walking together side by side in happiness
Or go back to camp
And you let me sleep on your chest
Gently stroking my hair as I fall asleep to the sound of your heart
And your steady breaths on my neck
When you cuddled me because I was hurting
And I fell back asleep on you again with your chin on my head
Squeezing my arm slightly moving your thumb up and down on my arm
Back to the time at camp
In the cave
In pitch black
And I grabbed your arm
So I wouldn't get lost and you grabbed my hand instead
And I squeezed your hand as tight as I could
scared of falling and getting lost
And you'd squeeze it back
And everyone would ask if I was okay and where I was
And you called out that I was fine that I was with you and I was safe because you had me
Back to the time you hugged me tighter than ever because you missed me too much and we stood for ages hugging each other and saying we missed each other and it was cute
To the time you hugged me because I was hurting inside and I went to let go and you pulled me back into your chest and hugged me tighter
When you gave me a piggy back just cause
Or lets go back to the time we hardly talked
and just looked across the room at each other and smiled shyly
I miss you so much!!!!
Good Luck at your competition
I know you'll do well
Stay Safe x
<3

Enlighten me would you
On which part do I not understand
Do I not understand the shame of
walking out of your house scared of being judged
Honey I was scared to even get out of my car a couple months ago
To walk the grounds of school with the fear of being judged
I was scared because he wasn't there for a period or two
Because he had a meeting I had no protection
Do I not understand putting on a fake smile and wanting to cry 24/7
Honey I had depression since Year 5
You think I don't understand
Do I not understand feeling trapped and scared
I've been in my room and fallen to the ground
Felt like the room was spinning and closing in
Wanting to rip my hair out
Tears flooding down my face
Chest tight as
Couldn't breath
Hyperventilating having a panic attack
And I don't understand??
Enlighten me which part do I not understand??
Do I not understand being insecure?
I've been so insecure I couldn't even walk my own house without wearing makeup I couldn't even look at myself without wearing makeup.
Enlighten me would you

Fling yourself off a bridge
Funny you should say that
I was thinking the exact same thing
last night
Thinking it would be easy
Maybe someone walking past would notice and help me
They'd bump into me and i'd fall
Maybe even die on the way down
Before I crashed into the river
Along with the rest of them
Or maybe someone would see me
and stop me
Actually realise how bad it is
And hold me in their arms
And say its going to be okay
Funny you should say that
Cause I was thinking the exact same thing

So so so done
Pushed me away enough
Is that really what you want
I've tried and tried
But I can't do this any longer
I'm so so done










Sorry

You don't understand
I feel like ****
Because of you
I'm in tears
Because of you
I get it
I'm a ****** person
I only want my boys
They make me happy
You make me feel ****
But you don't even realise
The damage you cause me
Not it's not all about him
Maybe it should be
He makes me feel safe and okay again
Here I am sitting on my bed
In tears
I can't do anything
You cause me pain
It hurts so bad
I wanna scream

I'm done

I honestly wouldn't mind
Getting into trouble with you
I wouldn't mind hugging you forever
I wouldn't mind sharing my house with you
I wouldn't mind sharing my bed with you
Just so I could get your sleepy cuddles every night
Just so I could feel you with me
I honestly wouldn't mind
Doing the stupidest things with you
I wouldn't mind walking 2 hours for food
in the middle of the night with you
I wouldn't mind getting your grumpy side
I honestly wouldn't mind at all
Because all this means having you here
with me
and that's all I want

Getting a phone call from a friend
She's choking on her words
All she's feeling is
pain, hurt, confusion
she doesn't know what to do
The happy bubbly girl you know
Calls you reaching out to you
for help
It's hard to hold back the tears yourself
But you have to stay strong for her sake
Talk to her don't stop
Don't leave the call
Until she feels okay again
I'm always here for you
Anytime
At all
Just ask

Re reading my old poems
written about you
and choking on my words
because I need to stop
and smile to myself
Feels my heart beating a bit faster
and feeling all the emotions towards you
From all our moments
and memories
in one hit
I can't even speak
outloud
Its hard to even speak
The feelings are real
Do you love me too
Because God did I love you

Why does this have to happen?
The word itself scares me
I can't even say it aloud
without feeling weird
without feeling awkward about it
Here I go
Depression
I am Depressed
yet again
Somehow it never seems to leave you
Its never left me anyway
I cant simply sit in a room
Feeling sad
Depressed
Fighting back that old feeling
Fighting back that old urge
To hurt myself
It's hard
I could just do it
No one would know
No one would ever notice
It takes away the pain
Just for a little while
What's the simplest way to end it
What hurts the least
I can't even enjoy being with my best friend anymore
I cant fully laugh without feeling pain
I can't smile without feeling hurt
I've sat in class almost in tears so many times
Because I just cant hold it back
I can't keep myself together for long
Without breaking down
It's hard
I want it to end
I want him
But he seems so far
True genuine happiness seems so out of reach

I'm sorry
For feeling like this
I'm sorry for having a loving heart
I'm sorry
I'm sorry you're so easy to love
I'm sorry you're so easy to fall for
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry for falling for you
I'm so sorry for wanting you how you don't want me
I'm sorry

Why are you so protective of me
Why do you have to make sure I'm okay all the time
Why do you hug me like you do
Why did you hold my hand that time
I was fine just holding onto your arm
Why did you send me a heart that time
Why do you always try prank me
Why do you always look at me
Why did you let me sleep on your chest that time
Why did you play with my hair and hold onto me tight while we were sleeping
Why do you care so much for me
Why do you do all of this
Then say you don't feel the same to people
But then your best friends want us to be together
Same with your sister
I'm so confused
Do you love me or not
Because all your doing
Is leaving me here
Alone
Feeling confused
Hurt
When you said you could never hurt me
You are right now

You told me
You'd never let anyone hurt me
But here you are
Hurting me
And you don't even realise it

"I'm just girl
Standing in front of a boy
Asking him to love her"

I
am
Depressed
I am
and I feel down a lot
I don't even know why
but I do
but when he's there
somehow everything seems to be okay
somehow he makes everything okay again
somehow his presence makes me feel safe
makes me feel happy again
and thats why!!!
THAT IS WHY!!!
that is why i can't let go
that is why I just can't let him slip away
why i will never give up on him
why I will defend him over anyone
he's the only one that has been there for me through everything
helped me through everything
always made time for me
even when he was super busy
I can't let him go
not now
not ever
I
I just can't
He means everything
And
he is the only one that makes everything seem okay again
he makes me happy
genuinely happy
safe
and smiley
like nothing is ever wrong
he makes every bad feeling go away
And I can't just let that go
I can't
it would be like letting my happiness go
He makes me happy
Genuinely Happy

I went to my church
Well Youth group tonight
And we went to this Worship
We all sang the worship songs
and tried to feel the presence
You probably don't care
But this was big for me
I felt the holy spirit
And I am fully
In belief of God
Right now
I felt the Holy Spirit
And started crying
which is normal
for some people
to cry when they feel it
And yeah :)

All I want right now
Is you
Right here
Lying beside me
In my bed
Sleeping innocently
The way we did at camp
The way you played with my hair
And stroked my arm with your thumb
Gently running it up and down
Feeling your breath on me
Your chin resting on my head
Listening to the steady heartbeat in your chest
Feeling safe in your arms
Genuinely happy
With the light flutter
Of butterflies
Moving in my stomach
The smile creeping in on my face
As you move your hand to my back
Pull up the back of my top
And gently rub my bare back
Your foot curled over mine
So even if you let me go
I could still feel you there
And be able to sleep
I want to go back to that time
All I want is you
Right here
Right now
With me
In your arms
Feeling your gentle touch
And listening to your heartbeat
Resting on your chest
I want you
I miss you
I need you