I fail at life so hard
I say I want a job
But when I get called my anxiety takes over and makes me want to be invisible.
My mind is muddled and my soul is sad
Why, at life, must I be so bad

I took a step I'd been waiting to take
for awhile now
hands, stop shaking
this is what I want

I have failed again
Doomed to live out my existence
In a shell of betrayal and self afflicted heartbreak
Knowing that I wasn't enough for you
Knowing that, despite my problems
Somewhere, two souls meet in infinite embrace
And the sword of jealousy pierces my knotted guts

Every time I hear your name my body shakes
This pain is no longer emotional
It strikes my core and shatters all I have built
My knees weaken and my chest tightens
My head hurts and my tears flow without asking
It happens randomly throughout the day
My collapses are uncontrollable

Stupid things remind me of you
Like bikes, and guitars, and cigarettes
And Law and Order and Friends and Eric Clapton
And pipes and aches and organic food
And kisses and touches and holding you
Mostly holding you with the reassurance of your voice
Saying I will never lose you

And I didn't

you make
                 my
   hands           shake
             like my
              aunt's
   hands           shake
like they haven't forgotten
                            the weight
of the last cigarette they held
even after her precious lungs
                       had forgotten
how to breathe.

I sat watching
the two actors in the cold room
i was patient and calm
while they were about to
**** themselves
waiting to carry on

My instructor then said,

“I want you to ask your partner something
dark, something you would never ask them
in a million years”

the walls went quiet
and all nerves struck
like a chord
patient and calm
disappeared after he
said each of those words

One of them was shaking
while the other was grimacing
And that's when the shaking one asked,

“Have you ever thought to yourself,
maybe you'd be better off not living?”

The grimacing man,
was now blank and white
like a sheet of paper
or a snowy night

And the shaking man,
was still shaking.

It's so strange,
How I get so happy with
hundreds of people that I don't know
seeing the core of my thoughts
It's so very strange, because I'm so very shy
and if it was to be in the flesh
or on a stage
I'd be shaking
and trying to not let it show
but I don't see what's wrong when
about a thousand people see my thoughts

I have a headache
I can feel my temple shaking
Like my brain had an earthquake
shaking all my thoughts free

It can't be fought
The drowning bang of dreams and doubt
A never-ending thumping on the door
All dying to get out

And even after the earthquake stops
And all these thoughts are gone
I begin the tedious task
Of fixing the damage done

But I can still see the cracks
The damage had gone to far
And no amount of time will heal it

So I'll pretend, I'll be a fake
At least until the next headache

I shake and I tremble
just trying to get my thoughts
in an order that works;
trying to get them
to assemble
in a way that makes
them easier
to understand;
left, right, centre,
nothing is fixed;

so,
the only thing left
is to
leave the thoughts,
make them go away
for a while;
drink,
****,
smoke,
thinking is painful,
numb the ******* pain
for a while

An artist paints himself in memories
and long lost dreams of yesteryears
lying in a field of laughing daffodils
he waters each with endless tears

Placing a box of love that never was
with shaking hands upon the shelf
wondering why it’s so hard to find
while he cannot love or find himself

Recklessly navigating a sea of sorrow
wishing to dive into its deadly deep
but lacking the courage for even that
a child slowly cries himself to sleep