this was never really mine to keep
I’m greedy and ungrateful
I like the simple things like when he speaks
his words are flavorful
And I swallow them like cough syrup
He gets me so so high
that I feel like I might throw up.

I can only finish
If I think about you
all the videos I used to watch,
Don’t make me feel the same way.
I’d rather think about going to your house
And feeling your fingers dance on my thighs
Until you’re practically tearing my clothes off  
Because now when I’m in bed with someone else
I close my eyes real tight and I can see the smug look on your face,
I see you grinning while I’m moaning, and you’re hitting every spot just right

It was short lived and that’s okay.
Maybe things are better off left that way.

I’d be better on my own
It breaks my heart to say,
But I don’t think your arms are my home
They’re never open for me anyway

I know you probably tried your best,
We’re just not each other’s person.
So, when I move out west
I won’t be around to be a burden.

I need to feel loved
I need to feel defended
For you I pushed and shoved
But after everything, you couldn’t give me what I needed

I’ve never really felt like i was “home”
At night I’ve laid down a sleepy head
Full of wishes that I get through the night safe and sound
But every dream reminds me I’ve never been love in a way that didn’t bring me pain

I wake up these days to open arms and a shoulder to cry on
but the rhythm of his heart beat only is a reminder
Even though he lives in my heart rent free
I’ll never be able to make a home in his

Every time we’re tangle in the sheets I use my imagination.
Through his gasps escaping his lips,
I can make up that he says everything I’ve ever wanted to hear from him.
For a moment I can push away all the restlessness my soul endures

But the reminder crashes over me in waves when it’s over  
It swirls around my head and into words that spew out on to pages
Keeping me awake well past 3am
And I write about how I’ve never really been home.

I’ve only visited places I didn’t belong
Sat in crowded spots and and felt all alone
I’ve never found home
Not in a city, not in a person
And not in my very own vessel.

Feels like my heart beating out of my chest
Thoughts of I’m going insane and dying.
Fears from reality
And not being able to breathe correctly

My head is full and racing and blank all at once
I really don’t know how to combat this.
I don’t know where to go to feel safe.
I don’t know what to do but wrap myself in a blanket
And be terrified that something is wrong
There’s something really wrong this time
There’s something really really wrong.
I can’t breathe and my chest hurts
My stomachs in knots and it feels like I’m going to pass out
Or die.
Where can I go? I don’t feel safe.
am I losing my mind? Am I losing the fabrics of reality?
Somethings really really wrong.
And I don’t know what to do.

She scatters in the mirrors that surround her. lights shine technicolor prisms on her skin that every single person tears a part differently. her candy apple colored lips wrap her teeth in joy, but he bares the vision of a monster with blood dripping from her mouth preying on her next victim. her voice is wrapped in cashmere as she sings only love to the ones she loves. he hears the voice of a siren, only leading everyone around her to the unassuming fate of a shipwreck. And her hands are filled with carnations of white, reds, and pinks. But he believes to see her true colors, behind the petals where he thinks he sees yellow and purple hues wrapped in her claws.

I’m not sure why all this love I have
Is aimed at someone who assumes the worst of me.
It hurts so much.