for now, i am only focused on
recognizing the girl in the mirror
she sometimes looks like a boy
her rotting skin draped in doll clothes.

sometimes her body expresses itself
gagging and shaking from fear
seizing like it forgot stillness.

other times her body expresses this massive monster thing
it's deep and thick and blue
on some nights she tells herself its the ocean
over and over again she tells herself
that he is the ocean.

she wanted to tell them about the men.
the poets and songwriters and fashion bloggers and computer programmers
the hours and days stolen from her
trying to find some meaning within their violence

the men that had ****** her everywhere.
the men that had touched parts of her that belonged to nobody.
pulling slapping tugging choking bruising scratching
owning pieces of her with more aptitude than she ever could.

in sickness and in health
she could only recreate the memory
of their throbbing, drooling penises
pulsing with the aggravation of power

in her bed she shivers and gags
she's come to realize that this is how men love.

on other nights she is the ocean
deep and embodying
open and consuming
feminine and destructive

yellow
you waited for me in madrid
blue
your presence granted me pain in granada
orange
within breaks of pain i was granted joy in segovia
turqoise
i truly remembered how much i love you in toledo
black
you hated me in seattle
white
i learned love without pain is not love
gray
you granted me life

did you look into my eyes
and see when i needed it
laid out on the table
because i understood what you meant when you said
"you kept your head in the oven"
and when i played that song
i understood what she meant
until i found out what she was saying

it hit me suddenly
the countdown you started
since you knew me
the day you met me
with silicon in your eyes
you were ready
and it hit me
a week
a month before
and i know now
how exact math can hurt more than
wondering and thinking

i look at a picture of you
and i long for one
for just one please
somebody took one of yours before i could get to you
and i just want
one
i never got the chance
and it’s not fair
i just want one
please tell me you love me
even if you don’t mean it
please allow me to feel
even if that feeling is pain
you’ll never love me
you’ll never love me
i know i was made
just for you
just for you to pass through
i’m a lesson
every time you get mad at me
i repair myself
quietly in the night
i repair myself at dark
in the dark i put my broken pieces back together
my hands bleed as the broken glass pierces my skin
this pain is a price
this is a toll
to allow to suffer
quietly and alone
i’ll never suffer with another
i’ll always suffer alone
please tell me one thing
i just want one thing
and i want to hurt
and i want it bad

My bed has known
Me in all of my states.
Nobody knows me more than this ship of mine
Where I’ve lied, unclean and unholy
Where I’ve witnessed the violent truths regarding my past my present and my future
Where I would lie awake at the coldest hour
Blankly facing the ceiling
Nobody knows how you comforted me
Oh home of mine
Nobody knows of the times you have wanted me to rest
away
From violence and kindness coming from the outside
Nobody knows how I have bled on you night after night
How I have given you everything and you have taken everything away from me
Oh peaceful dog,
You licked the tears from my face, unknowing of what you were doing
Not even the guests I have invited to lie on you
To be with me on you
Know the pain I have felt beside you
The faces you gave me as I lie awake in the morning
Feeling dark and hot
Nobody has looked over me the way that you have
Oh mighty circle
Nobody knows it like you do
The feeling of having a tainted soul
How it feels to know you are ****** to hell.
My priest only knows
How it feels to want so bad
Oh dear how I have imagined
To belong to a world that only you and I exist in
With nothing else but me and my ship
Flying aimlessly with no fear
Of death
Or of life
My dear bed
Nobody knows me like you have

i hate myself/
and thats why/
im not living inside of my body/
im living inside my brain/
my heart is cold and hard because/
you never touch me with kindness/
you always hold my fragile body with hostility/
my weak body drapes pathetically over your arm/
i melt/
you always charm me and thats why/
i’m crying/
you lied to me/
im stuck wondering who killed me only to find that/
im looking in a mirror/
covered in blood/

i am a refrigerator,
and if you give me your heart
i will be sure to keep it cold
safe, safe but cold.
you shiver when i hug you
for there is a darkness that accompanies my affection
a wetness to my mocking of ideal movements
my mocking of ideal actions.
there is always something off about how i move towards you
something hard when it should be soft
something harsh when it should be kind
there has always been a violence in the way i say things
there has always been a bite with every kiss
and every scratch
goes just a little too deep
and every hug
just a little
too
tight

i love you so much and i cant breath
for the harder i hug you
the less time remains
and i love you so much and it’s finally over once we’re over
and i’ll die with nobody by my side
and you say you’re afraid of dying alone
but i will die so cold and so alone
for how i love you more and more
the harder i die

every time i remember him
i can remember the way his chest moved
up and down
slowly like a bobbing sail boat
calmly to a red sky
a red sky at night
every time i remember him
i can remember the hairs on his arm
how they stretched unimaginable lengths
to a space beyond space
where fate had aligned perfectly
and the stars had aligned perfectly
to where i could touch his arm
every time i remember him
i can remember the way he touched me
always getting closer
and always stroking my skin as a sign of comfort
his pores on his face were all perfectly spaced apart
they knew me
and knew what i have been imagining
my hands are embarrassed
and he knows why
this whole time i keep falling
i know i think i know
i know i think i know something is stuck there
stuck in the back of my mind
like chewing gum on the side of the road

i stand in my cave
alone
praying
here, i sit, in my cave
completely alone
but at least
as i sit here
i have something to call my own

she turns her head to the sky
as she sees the blue butterfly flap it’s wings
and she realizes how vibrant the wings have been the whole time
as it flies away
she sees the spectrum on the butterflies back
a brilliant display of light
a tear strikes her face once more
but the water from her liquid emotion reflects
a rainbow as vibrant as the butterfly’s
as it drifts kindly into the sun
she smiles

the butterfly lands on her fingers
it flutters it’s bright blue iridescent wings
she looks at the butterfly as it leaves her finger
the smile on her face falls and a tear rolls down her cheek
the butterfly is gone and she feels she’ll never be happy again
while i know this isn’t true
i miss her smile

an unbreakable bond
an invisible ribbon
wrapped around her head
as her face smothers her genitals
they connect deeper than i ever can
and while they wipe the pleasure from their mouths with their arms
they laugh in my face
“don’t be so jealous”
i guess i’m a pair of scissors
cause all i wanna do
is snip their ribbon right open

he whispers in my ear
a soft poem
about rediscovering love
and listening to the sky’s music
and singing along
and falling in love
with a whisper in your ear
i’m lying in bed
being cradled and covered
his arms are wrapped around me
i’ve fallen in love
with an echo

the hands of the ghost of the future
rest their palms on my shoulders
i’m startled but i’m not surprised
because there’s nothing there
i’ve been eating nothing
i’ve been acting as if there’s something left for me
but there’s only length
i’m a
no future
ice chewer

sometimes i just give up
i get mad
but mostly i’m fine
sometimes when i give up
i feel happy
empowered
but mostly just tired
honestly if love is a game
i really am bored of the rules
i would just run and kiss you
but you aren’t a rebel
a rule breaker
you stick strictly to the rules
and honestly i’m so over it
you’re so boring

i was told
since i was young
that there was as many bad things about growing up
as there were good
and even knowing this
i still wanted to grow up
even now, i still do
because ive lost my innocence
and nobody seems to care
the difference between growing up
and where i am right now
is i am a flower that has fully bloomed
but i keep getting force fed water

i want to stop drowning in water

every thought ive ever had
every action ive ever taken
takes physical form
as a glass shard
it cuts my thumb
and it stings
the crimson blood is washed away
by the lack of regard
from a doctor
every glass shard is saved
kept in a box
in the corner of a room
it sits there
staring at me
every day
oh
how i wish
to set this box on fire
to run away
and buy a new box
but still it sits
and stares

think big
no
think bigger
no
even bigger
you’re not getting this
your mind is so small
that it can’t hold my big thoughts
my masterplan
that will make you live forever
you say we all die
that’s just an excuse
to avoid doing any work
and anytime i try to tell you anything
you just cry your little heart out
i didn’t know i raised you
to be such a little *****

“think big, girl
think king sized”
if he finds meaning in something meaningless
is he intelligent or is he a fool
is he hard as an adult or soft as a child
he couldn’t  understand what they meant by sticking your head in the oven
by heating the cerebral thoughts
that connected to your brain
purple frog
red lizard
chicken with yellow feathers
a cat scratch
a soft mark
melting snow
“take care”

I’m sorry
I opened your chest
I took a peek
And maybe a bite
I’m sorry
But you’re just not here
He’s sitting right here
You’re just on another plane of existence
I’m sorry
But I just can’t help it
I couldn’t wait
I’m so hungry

I familiarize myself with the feeling
Because home never felt so distant
I will familiarize myself with my body
And hug the tight curves
And soft imperfect flesh walls
Scarred bruised burned and cratered
This is what home is
This is where I will live
It shouldn’t feel like I’m moving in all over again
But I’ve wanted to move out so many times
I will listen to my arm
It whispers sweet nothings into the holes
Scattered across my body
I live in the walls that cover my eyes
I do leave often though
Not forever

I jump in and out of my skin
And I test what feels better
Being under a layer of flesh feels suffocating, yet safe and predictable
Watching the world from above
Feels confusing and exhausting
If I were to choose
I would live out my life
Under the soft blanket of flesh
Settling into my organs
And meaning the words that come out of my mouth
But it doesn’t seem like I have a choice
So I rapidly vacillate between the two
I’ll be vibrating till the grave

He stares at his phone
Blankly and unnerved
Unaware that his lack of activity
Is driving the other insane
The other stares at his phone
Tired and uncomfortable
He would like a way to cope
Regardless of how unhealthy it is
Love is only as real as pain is
So of course, love is just a fantasy

Hey can I say something a little crazy ?
I have this theory that we live our lives over and over again but it’s slightly different or drastically different every time, but the people in life can be mostly the same. Sometimes I feel an instant connection with people that I’ve never met before.
I dunno I’ve just never had this feeling be so strong as when I started talking to you?
I dunno I feel like I’m just floating in an endless void observing my life outside of my body but when I talked to you I felt...
Grounded?
I dunno.
I just hope you don’t leave me on read

Every text that isn’t you pulls me deeper down
I’m in a cool blue
Pool
Waiting for you to jump in
But you have a life too
I don’t know what’s taking so long
And then I remember you have a life too
So I’ll just wait and see what’s coming next
But please wait for me like I’m waiting for you
I’m almost begging
The waters freezing

im comfortable nowhere
i always want to go home but i never want to stay inside

he never fully understood what the warnings meant
he just detatched him and his soul
so he could witness his life from above

nowhere in my dreams
head on a pillow
going nowhere

My empty hands had grown sticky
And will glue themselves to anyone
The smallest of a detachment
Feels like a chainsaw through my hand
Today I dug
I went where I didn't need to be
I found a boy where nobody was
But he remains
Untouchable
Unspeakable
Sticky fingers wrap around what i had already lost
You thought I was done
I thought I was done
But I looked for you
I looked and you weren't there
You never were
You never could be
In that week
I don't remember much
But you made me feel like there was a sky above my head
You made me feel okay
But i was in a room
I was by myself
You knew that
You told me I could leave
You told me no matter how quickly
I could leave
You lied to me
You ******* lied
And here I am now
With sticky fingers

Anyone can find God
Weather that god is something you see
Dancing on the winter rooftops
Snow covered shackles painted in frost
Or in the beautiful streets of an urban city
With unique individuals

Can you hear my voice urge vacantly
Begging to crawl out
Even though it knows that when it touches oxygen
It dies
And rests upon my warm wet lips

Your face was like wind
A cooling breeze
A brisk coolness passing through me
On a hot summer day
The sun is bright and warm
And your face was the wind
Keeping the temperature right
Now it's a hurricane
It throws me down and hurls me through the air
Making me gasp for breath
I used to fill my lungs with you in a deep calming breath
But now im suffocating
I can't blame you
I was just in your path
You tried to pass through
I must have ran in front of you
Your storm wasn't meant for me
I don't know who it was meant for
But I'm just a bystander
One of hundreds and hundreds
Thousands, even