for now, i am only focused on
recognizing the girl in the mirror
she sometimes looks like a boy
her rotting skin draped in doll clothes.

sometimes her body expresses itself
gagging and shaking from fear
seizing like it forgot stillness.

other times her body expresses this massive monster thing
it's deep and thick and blue
on some nights she tells herself its the ocean
over and over again she tells herself
that he is the ocean.

she wanted to tell them about the men.
the poets and songwriters and fashion bloggers and computer programmers
the hours and days stolen from her
trying to find some meaning within their violence

the men that had ****** her everywhere.
the men that had touched parts of her that belonged to nobody.
pulling slapping tugging choking bruising scratching
owning pieces of her with more aptitude than she ever could.

in sickness and in health
she could only recreate the memory
of their throbbing, drooling penises
pulsing with the aggravation of power

in her bed she shivers and gags
she's come to realize that this is how men love.

on other nights she is the ocean
deep and embodying
open and consuming
feminine and destructive

yellow
you waited for me in madrid
blue
your presence granted me pain in granada
orange
within breaks of pain i was granted joy in segovia
turqoise
i truly remembered how much i love you in toledo
black
you hated me in seattle
white
i learned love without pain is not love
gray
you granted me life

did you look into my eyes
and see when i needed it
laid out on the table
because i understood what you meant when you said
"you kept your head in the oven"
and when i played that song
i understood what she meant
until i found out what she was saying

it hit me suddenly
the countdown you started
since you knew me
the day you met me
with silicon in your eyes
you were ready
and it hit me
a week
a month before
and i know now
how exact math can hurt more than
wondering and thinking

i look at a picture of you
and i long for one
for just one please
somebody took one of yours before i could get to you
and i just want
one
i never got the chance
and it’s not fair
i just want one
please tell me you love me
even if you don’t mean it
please allow me to feel
even if that feeling is pain
you’ll never love me
you’ll never love me
i know i was made
just for you
just for you to pass through
i’m a lesson
every time you get mad at me
i repair myself
quietly in the night
i repair myself at dark
in the dark i put my broken pieces back together
my hands bleed as the broken glass pierces my skin
this pain is a price
this is a toll
to allow to suffer
quietly and alone
i’ll never suffer with another
i’ll always suffer alone
please tell me one thing
i just want one thing
and i want to hurt
and i want it bad

My bed has known
Me in all of my states.
Nobody knows me more than this ship of mine
Where I’ve lied, unclean and unholy
Where I’ve witnessed the violent truths regarding my past my present and my future
Where I would lie awake at the coldest hour
Blankly facing the ceiling
Nobody knows how you comforted me
Oh home of mine
Nobody knows of the times you have wanted me to rest
away
From violence and kindness coming from the outside
Nobody knows how I have bled on you night after night
How I have given you everything and you have taken everything away from me
Oh peaceful dog,
You licked the tears from my face, unknowing of what you were doing
Not even the guests I have invited to lie on you
To be with me on you
Know the pain I have felt beside you
The faces you gave me as I lie awake in the morning
Feeling dark and hot
Nobody has looked over me the way that you have
Oh mighty circle
Nobody knows it like you do
The feeling of having a tainted soul
How it feels to know you are ****** to hell.
My priest only knows
How it feels to want so bad
Oh dear how I have imagined
To belong to a world that only you and I exist in
With nothing else but me and my ship
Flying aimlessly with no fear
Of death
Or of life
My dear bed
Nobody knows me like you have

i hate myself/
and thats why/
im not living inside of my body/
im living inside my brain/
my heart is cold and hard because/
you never touch me with kindness/
you always hold my fragile body with hostility/
my weak body drapes pathetically over your arm/
i melt/
you always charm me and thats why/
i’m crying/
you lied to me/
im stuck wondering who killed me only to find that/
im looking in a mirror/
covered in blood/