"i love you, mom"
i feel like that shouldnt be a lie
i feel like you should be able to say that with full honesty

but i cant

i hate her with all my heart
i never wanna see her again

shes the reason for all my tears
for all my self-hatred
and for all my sadness

not all can be a mom
and i feel that i dont have one

11.45pm
hi, guess what i'm listening to country music right now
and i cant text you because my parents took my phone and laptop:(
so ill just write this and you can read it later
i love you

11.50pm
i just ran dowstairs amd almost tripped and died
but its like all good
i had to get my chocolate milk
imma watch cat videos until im tired

12.00am
okay well i lied
i started watching horror movie trailers and now im scared
im still listening to country
im soo bored

12.20am
jeez my parents just came home because they forgot their keys for something and somehow noticed i was up and gave me sleeping pills
so i kinda wanna die but its all good
i just listened to the song H.O.L.Y and now 16 is playing
not a bad song

12.25am
i was thinking about how you always say opposites attract
and like thats not wrong because we're really different people
but like i was thinking about it
and i think i kinda get it now
we're opposite, or at least we were before we started dating but we kinda tried to like the stuff the other person likes
like i wouldve never started listening to country if it wasnt for you
and you probably wouldnt have tried listening to the music i like
and you probably wouldnt have tried to write poetry
so like i think thats why people say opposites attract, because we show eachother new stuuf and like idk

12.32am
well i just remembered i have a health test tomorrow so i should probably study but i cant do that tomorrow in the morning or later

ughhhh im still not tired
oh guess what?
i love you soooooooo much
and youre amazing and great and one of my favourite people

1.00am
okay well the pills are really kicking in now
so goodnight
i love you

when I first fell for you
i didn't think id fall so hard
"its just a crush"
or so I thought

I liked you
but you liked someone else

a year has gone by and now I'm in love with you
but little did I know
you were in love with me too

I love you

Mom, I'm sorry I manipulate you for,
The alcohol I feel I love more,
And Dad I'm sorry I pretend I'm naive,
About all of my bad deeds,
I tried so hard to stay dry,
But the rain it pours inside,
I'm drowning in my own self,
I'm suffocating with my mental health,
And I try, I try so hard,
To be who you care for,
The girl who laughs just cause she can,
Who asks for hugs before bed,
But I'm not her anymore,
And I'll never be moving forward,
But really I'm just someone,
Who feels way too much at once,
I cry at night when I'm all alone,
Dancing with my demons on my own,

Please don't hate me, I couldn't survive,
I do that enough for myself, and I can no longer hide,
That I don't have a problem with substances,
That I can recognize when I've had enough,

I'm so tired of pretending it's under control,
This feeling of alcohol that sings in my soul,
The cough syrup that makes my shaky thoughts,
Become shaky feet, legs, and hands,
I'd rather feel physically ill,
Than continue to be mentally unwell,
So I will continue to veer off the tracks,
And spin out of control, it's just a fact,
I have no sense of when to stop,
Please don't make me stop,
It's so hard to be in my own head,
Every day it's like a death,
I die a bit, a piece of me fades away,
And I'm sorry to inform you, to say,
I'm not okay, I'm just not alright,
With myself I will continue to fight,

Please don't hate me, I couldn't survive,
I do that enough for myself, and I can no longer hide,
That I don't have a problem with substances,
That I can recognize when I've had enough.

Sunflower,
Don't Die From My Soul,
Sunlight Still Lurks In My Veins,
Imagination Quenches Your Thirst,
Though Your Roots Are Exposed,
I Kiss Every Petal,
To Keep You Alive

Rose,
Don't Die,
You Are The Passion In My Garden Of Me,
Don't Let The Frost Over Take You,
Snowflakes Dance Around You,
Enjoy The Cold

Sunflower,
Oh Sunflower,
It's Always Summer In My Garden,
Let The Showers Of Enlightenment,
Keep Your Petals Smooth And Age Free

*Rose,
Oh Rose,
Rose With Green Eyes,
Stay Strong,
Don't Let The Weeds Overtake You,
You Are Beautiful,
You Are The Pacemaker,
To Anyone Without A Heart,
If You Fail To Survive,
So Will I

you're so amazing
and one of my favourite people
but lately, we've been talking less
my smile is slowly fading from the happiness you once brought to my life
I don't know how I feel about you anymore
I know I love you,
as a friend
but I don't know if I love you in that way

so there's this boy
and he makes me feel

for someone who felt numb for so long
feeling is nice

he makes me feel happy
like how sitting next to a fire, drinking tea, and reading poetry makes me feel

he makes me feel like a beautiful sunflower
he makes me feel like I'm actually worth something
he makes me feel like I'm enough

but with all the beauty he brings to my soul
he also makes my soul fear

fear of him leaving
fear of when he goes he'll leave me to feel numb all over again
I can't let that happened
I'm scared to lose him
I'm scared to let him in

Anything can
look like a poem
and sound philosophical
simply by moving
the words on
different lines.

Am I doing it right?
Is this
really
talent?
Art?
Effort?

I think I am trying.
Really, I am
I go back and change the order
and I break lines
where it sounds right
But it does not take me long.
Not at all.

I try to be
intentional
and call it natural rhythm.
Instinct and style taking over
I alternate between
agonizing every detail
like When to Capitalize
and publishing free form poems without looking over them twice.

How is writing supposed to feel?
Should I labor?
or should it flow?
Or do I get to decide?

I think the things I talk of
mean something
at least.

But am I just
pretentious?

fooling myself into thinking that
using common poetry formats
somehow makes my work worthwhile?

it's the small things that make me the happiest
see a bumblebee helping the flowers grow
running through an empty green field
a new song that gives me the chills
deep 2 a.m talks with him
seeing a huge smile on the faces of those I love
watching a sunflower grow
looking at the stars at 3 a.m
watching the sunrise as the birds sing their songs

all these things make me so happy
happier than any amount of money could bring to me

I lock myself into a room
I fall to the ground
I can't breathe
I cant see
   everything is
                  b
                      l
                   u
                   r
                      r
                   y
my tears cover my eyes
I don't know why
but these panic attacks won't stop coming
and I don't know why

am I overthinking too much again?
has my depression come back?
am I all alone again?
do I miss him too much?

Am I healthy?
Me, the girl who stays up
Until 5:00 in the morning every day
Eats one square meal a day
The girl who can't help but feel
Like she was a mistake
Like she is alone
Like she isn't worth it
Like she was a mistake
A screwup
The girl who is plagued with anxiety
Every second of every day
Resulting in a stomach upset
And a head aching
The girl who had a panic attack
over nothing
but just the thought of existing

Am I healthy?
Yes
Say the people who gave me life
telling me I'm just overreacting
"you're fine" they say

I am so tired, every single day
I just want to live again

you are amazing
in every single way possible

you are different
and that's okay I like different
and I wouldn't like you if you were like the others

you are worth it
you are worth the work
you are worth the pain
you're worth it

you are enough
you don't have to try any harder than you already do
I know you’re trying your hardest
you're enough

you matter
and don't ever think you don't
you matter to me
your family and your friends
you matter so much

you make a difference
my life would be so much worse if it wasn't for you
you make me smile
you make me feel better when I'm not okay

you are not a burden
i enjoy talking to you
you've become a part of my day

can you please just trust me on this
you're amazing
different
worth it
enough
you matter
and you make a difference
get it in your head
it hurts that you don't see yourself the way I see you

It feels like darkness surrounding me.
It feels like monsters are everywhere.
It feels like I can’t do anything to stop it.
It feels like I’m saying too much.
It feels like I’m not allowed to be here.
It feels like I can’t stop repeating myself.
If feels like I’m Broken.

it's just so sad
he's different
                but all he wants is to fit in
he's funny
                but he thinks his jokes are annoying
he's friendly
                but he thinks no one really wants to be friends with him
he's cute
                but he thinks he's not
he's amazing
                but he doesn't believe that
                he doesn't believe that he's worth it
                he doesn't believe something good will ever happen to him
it's just so sad

thank you to the ones who have been there for me
at my darkest times
when I had no one else

thank you to the ones who were kind enough to let me in
and let me help you

thank you to the ones who brought a smile to my lonely days
the ones who always knew what to say

thank you to the ones who weren't fake
to the people who actually loved me
to the people who actually cared

thank you to the ones who left
I realize I never needed you to survive
and you were just a chapter of my life

and finally, thank you to me
for not giving up
for believing in yourself
thank you...

there's something about you
that I can't quite understand

I don't know if I love you
or even like you as more than a friend
but every time we talk I seem to smile
and you're the best part of my days

talking to you makes me feel happy
I feel something I've never felt before around you

I don't know what we are just yet
but I know I want you to stay

dear future self,
i hope you've finally learned to put yourself before other
that everyone isn't who they seem to be
and never to fall so hard for someone who'd never love you

i hope you learned that you don't need people who don't need you
to love yourself
and that you're important

i hope in the future you are the best you possible

and everytime i think of him
i break a little bit
because he loves her
and i love him

I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate that I cant stop ******* loving you.

There's something missing in my life.
I can feel the overpowering ache in my chest.
Numbing only around you,
But I long for so much more.
Your smile warms my heart,
And your hands heal my scars.
Your lips kiss my soul,
And speak with it so calmly.
Taking away my pain,
Giving me more than I've hoped for.
Your perfection is calling my name,
And luring me in deeper.
I never lasted a chance,
I was gone from that first smile.
And that very first kiss,
Swept me too far off my feet.
But your arms are my safe haven,
And I'll sleep in then every night.

but one day you left
and you threw me in fire
all alone i stay there
crying