so this is it
a waste of my
time.
Time better spent
waiting for your goodbye.

But you walk right back in
like its your ******* life,
take all you can get
at least until the next time.
  
I wallow in this
pain left behind

making me sick
the taste of your lies.

Closed my eyes
While the feeling
building up inside of me
  Stands on my chest, that caves
     Makes it hard to breathe.

Let's do this again
And again. Like my mind can't forget
Every single word they say, speaking to my anxiety.

And so it begins
Like it ends
Then I'm left to pretend
It comes easy as friends
that I have made,
But not today

I'd rather isolate.

My intentions stood
On everything good.
Tried to fix it
But can't skip the inevitable

Merciful his grace
Discovering my faith
Can you fix it
Can you  make my mind quit

Confusing thoughts with words, why can't I make it work.
Dyslexic
It's a mind game
And I dont want to play.

My place in the dark
Having no way to stop
Myself from getting lost.

Heavy weighs the solitude
Sicking the attitude.

Mind rotting the thoughts
On replay
Muttered words I must say
That I wish I could explain
this type of way..
That I choose

To live like I do.

My face to the ground
As I pray
****** cries in his name.
Terrified my heart aches
Knowing why I'm betrayed
By the world I thought I knew.

The symptoms worsen
As I brace myself for words, not ready.
Even though I know the truth behind my eyes is surfacing.
Foolish I've become, to all outside myself.
I'm numb
I tolerate the pain.
I focus on the gain, such selfish ties
Hold me restrained
Back from my life
that I once was living.

The truth is such painful step
To take when I don't want to yet

But each day I see what I get.
Makes me wonder.. is it worth it?

Now it might seem
So close to perfect..
Perfectly fine
like I say I've always been.
   Though you know I've never been.

Rest assured of your demeanor
a presence that once seemed so kind

As I look deeper and deeper
I still cannot find your reasoning to lie



Silence sheilds and hides
you away from me

Another day beside you
  

Another day lost to night

Is there any way I could break through?

I can't escape your frame of mind

All I know

All that I shown
To you ..exposed
Still feel Unknown.

So opposite
Till we meet ourselves.
Then forget the pain
We felt in loneliness..
  Still making scars.

The pain exists..
And made these scars.

The pain exists...

Inside both of us who still
Say "it doesn't hurt!"
   STRUCK, you can taste the blood
     Still it doesn't change

the me in you..

You hate the me in you!

I hate the you in me!

But we can't deny
This hurt.

We're in a world of such hurt.



Stealing the meaning
Of the life you had.

And killing the dreams..
Once inside your head.

Leaving scars..

The pain in depth
So deep it scars.

The pain exists..

Inside both of us who
Can't stop when they taste the blood

Polar opposites
Besides the fact
I'm facing you in me
I hate the you in me
You the hate the me you

And we can't deny
This world
I have to be in with you
Hurts.

Unfolding and revealing
Each costly word still staining

Apposed to sweet sustaining

It feels me as it sinks in
The deeper grows this feeling
What do I bleed
Will I live

In this pain
I know
I needed

Each day must forgive me for what I do and what I've done.
My minds full of empty and at times will come undone.
But the nights soothe and save me from myself.
Mistaking me for someone else. Someone who once was but is now gone, leaving me bits to hang on to and no I won't let go.
Though im losing grip of them slow. See it's all a shame-
Less life I maintain. Nothing ever stays quite the same.
Gone through the motions with emotion. Taking more than time to spend. So alive then yet again..
Never mind me I'm still livin.

Against me this is something special
And I have nothing to say with or without
The fragile bit of time

He left here for me
Isn't that kind of him to leave again.

You know
I cannot comprehend
what's been exposed
I try to understand

As my sight strains to see the end
Of each lie your breathe in and breathe out.

Each time you let your self down.

Each cry that you wish you could let out.

This side of you
Collides with the night
Without sound.

A world that turns
A life upside down.

You told me love was hollow
And faith feeds ignorance
You showed me just how hollow
Your love could be within

And every time
I still pray for you
And every night
Turns to day with you

Because i'm still in love with you
As I fall
Away from you.

It's hard to get up when I'm feeling down.
Seems my ceiling keeps me close to the ground.

Unreal
the truth I spoke to you that night.

With eyes wide open
I can see there's been change.
The first step is knowing
And I know I can't stay the same.

God
I lost the way out

I forgot how to escape..
all of my doubt

Heavy days
Are slowing me down

Time is turning
Me inside out

And I turn to find another
But their running away.
Each one's just like other
Always nothing to say.

Tell I break...
Apart at their feet.

All this upon myself
I never thought that it would bury me.
I think I lost myself
I'm in so deep that I no longer can see.

And if I missed something
Along lines that lead me

Well my apologies
I don't want to die this way

I know that I still need to use all that I got in me.

All tears as I weep
All I sweat
what I bleed

Life's a dream I must dreaming but I can never awake. Life's a lesson I must be teaching to myself everyday.

All against me
Never feared me
So I'll make them afraid.

Simply put
I wouldn't if I were you.

For what it's worth
It's not

For what you'll lose
Don't get confused
the dark side we choose
Is re-read old news

I know what you do to yourself
Screaming inside for help

Please

Is it just my own mind
Trying harder each time
To forget why you died
To forget when you cried
To forget how I lied

And said

It's in your head

Your sick and it's sick
How I really am.

Thought
What's life like this one

I don't need,
and then

I saw you believe
And I felt your hand

I could only dream
That we'd meet again

Then something in me
Came alive again.

I've gone to long without sound
can't play the victim now.

I know what you've done
and I know whats to come.
But still i'm the one
doing nothing at all.

you utterly deride me
deny me the truth
and defy me

the truth is healing
something that your needing
since your still bleeding out.

I should turn
and walk beside my shame
and learn that with great love
comes great pain.

I know what I've done.
and I know i'm the one
doing nothing at all now.

I don't know how
I can't just cry out

I don't know why
I can't just be without
you ever again.



But

Autumn tall
fall the leaves down too reach me
The trees know trust with change.

Wind sings a psalm
Right along with my heart beat
And calls me by my name.

A dream that blends
With my strife,
So I pretend
And color out the gray.

I need a place
Where my life could comfortably stay
Far from the way it is.

These worries seem so empty
When guilt and shame can't rest the blame.

You have to know
Not a fool could tempt me,
My heart holds true to love and remains sustained.

Like body's beg for heat, we reach out
Nearing closer to the flame.
Just like we seek out
are deep desires, escaping pain.

I stole all that we need
I ran far and wide
To bring you all of me.

You sold it like your soul
Years torn apart
Breaking the heart of gold.

I blinked but could not budge
A fear froze my start
To stand up on my own.

Is this the truth that hurts?
Is this how I die?
In my own hell I burn.

What once was
  Never happened
  The way we thought that it did.
Become aware of how it has been,
And how it shall be again.

So when my mind
Concurs to you who
  Loves to lie beneath my skin.

My truth divides  
Two sides
Colliding  
  
Truth and denial
At war within.

I wish I wish
I wasn't like this
Can't give to get
Can't aim to miss.
To be alive is such a gift
If only I, could learn to live.

Glow glazed in my guilt
Sick swallowing pride
Feeling all that I feel
killingme inside.

sinking is my spirit
Missing is my mind
Bodys long mistreated
Lost is all my time.

I know i've gone to long
  without a sound.
Life is moving on
  with or without
Me, My self and its doubt.

Why I cry so much
How could you lie so much
I thought that I could trust
not me but you.


Forever not enough
until the day gets stuck
between the rising sun
and the moon.

Deeper i'm afraid
of what all I could say
   not feeling right today
blurry sight
insane,
is more than just a feeling.

off the clock no one knows
I won't tell, I won't show
what you want, here you go
now get out, leave me alone.

All I got, what I need
this sick hunger, I feed
forgot not just how to breathe
but asked why is this is me?

I don't think when I speak
lost and still losing
what I find i'm choosing
all that I do.

I know what I felt
and I know i've been shamed
since I don't deserve you
I must become of my dream.
A thought to include you
a bite to obtain
a soul too and through you
a heart to remain.
By God you are worthy
with God you might
a knowing untold
given the fight.

I know how I need you
I made to believe
I love and I need you
or so I had dreamed
you blessed and betrayed me
forgot or just maybe
let me hope of days
we'd be together forever and always.



Walking away
you saw your out
what was your purpose?
what was doubt?
God couldn't help us,
this is between you and me.
I could never hurt you,
so you tortured me.

I should of let you down.
but I don't wanna let you down.

Can you taste these words?
Can you see these things?  
Yeah I know it hurts
But it's what I need.

To be just like you,
Would be just like me
After all I was
Was just a tragedy

I took to these words
And what they do mean
You get what you deserve
And your so deserving

I know I'm disturbed
And it's disturbing
How it all really works
All inside of me

Holding it all against me
though you said you never would.
Never wanted to ever hurt me
though we both knew that you could.

And thoughts came and left me
quite disturbed but understood

the reason I feel guilty
never saying what I should.

I'm bleeding again,  
Almost all the time.
  Might end up dead

I ignore the fact
That I never choose
  life over death.

And all the thoughts I've had
And all the words I've said

They never linked, that's why speak before I think.

I bleed,  it's pouring out
And somethings coming in.
It fills my space
and takes my place.  
  I am not who I am

About out of  breath
The feeling it left
All talk but no words could ever express
The way that you were
The things that you said

I think I could hate you
But I love you instead

I have it all here
And it is now clear
The end,  it is near
For my life I have fear

Bring it all up
Then throw it down
Steal all my trust
Then give it away now

I have nothing with you
It's true
We are threw

I thought it all out
I’ve wrote it all down

Don't read my lips,
Hear my sound.

Run out of bad luck,
This is something else

Was never enough,
I could slowly tell.

Our hearts pump bad blood
A cultivating self

I thought I could trust
You with all I felt.

But I feel nothing..
When you're so far away.

No I feel something..
I feel okay
Without you
I'm sorry to say

It's me
Was me
Has been me the whole time.

Disease
What eats
At me
And fuels me with lies

I see
What is Beneath
And what's inside

I bleed
I feed
And need
To save my own life.

Goodbye

Call me confused
I  lost all control.
Depth in my existence
Comes up short,  we all know.

Believed and befriended
The hearts without homes
Now look where I ended
Up a long way from home.

Im all on my own.

Remember me
The way I was supposed to be.

I had heart
Went through hell
Even tried to Killed myself
Just to prove I don't know...
Where to go.

My body begged me
to death,
Please oh, please oh.

Just give me what I need
What I feel for..
A fix for this disease
I just need more.

By the time you open
Up those eyes and see the clock.  
See it's been ticking
longer then you ever Thought.

No I'm not joking
I'm for real this time,
I'm really gonna stop.

Hold on,  wait,  I'm choking
On all my words,
They're harsher then I thought.

What’s inside of you
Is inside of me
I know where you come from
Why you bleed

How you still laugh
How hard you cry
Why your still here
Why you still try

Don’t give it up
Don’t give it out
Just stop and listen to me now

What’s inside of you
Is inside of me
I know what your feeling
How it’s hard to breathe

What your doing
Who you are
Where your going
And how far

Don’t give up love
Don’t give up faith
Know your purpose and your place

What’s inside of you
Is inside of me
There is hope
And that’s all we need

This is not what I expected
it’s been a blurry haze
since you injected

your mistake in me

now i’m infected
with what I love to hate
a new neglected

side of me..
she’s kinda hectic.


I feel the dizzy before I spin
and dear, I’ve lost my head again

These walls don’t it know,
but they’ll crash.
What was once a home is now trap.

These feelings that won’t go,
are not changing.
My heart’s beating so hard
that it’s breaking

down again.


A loves gone loveless for far to long
so sick with sadness
what went so wrong?


and all I know, when the phone rings
I will leave after the tone

someone hear me!
I’m starting to think that i’m alone!

Is someone near me
or am I still own on my own?

I can’t see real clearly
but it looks like
it’s the end of the road

can’t get a grip
i’m loosing stearing

and now i’ve completely lost control

I can’t stop
no brakes
no gearing

windsheild’s bursting

lights knocked out

guess this is goodbye
my sweet last hope.

Set ease in soul
and rest your mind
Take time to listen
Take time in time

Risk for achievement
set worries aside
Failures false
Just expectation lost

Learn to ride the waves
No matter how high the tide

For if the worst becomes us
Or threats or harms us
At least you we're embracing your dream of life

Come out of comfort
with faith it will all work

Treat yourself with kindness
Welcome challenge to create change and
  really try this!

In practice we learn
In passion we burn

The clock still ticks
You still exist
Now go succeed
Feel greatful to breathe!

You possess the gift life
And the birth given right

To truly and absolutely be
Completely

Happy:)

your innocent eyes
lie like the body beside me
while drifting to sleep
I roll with you timber
I press to you tender
see how my body's triggered
clenching, gasps and whimpers
vulnerable to touch
equivalent to taste
there's something in this chase that burns right threw my heart
don't think you can stop me
no there is no stopping
but the brutality in your face
when giving up my strength
when touching the sinned saint
i'm left broken
again
the notes on my head
i'm still worth it, don't deserve this.

lets realize just where we are
close on land, but minds
miles apart
If you could be my miracle man
I could die
oh yeah I really can
Its not about the way you love
I just know what your thinking of
I'm not the type that you could keep
I'm not alright, I'll never be

If ya,
come back come back come back to me
you heart will know misery
I'm shaking for you
  breaking on to
The path that we'll never lead

I  put myself out there
praying for acceptance.
I thought wasting myself, was just apart of life.
And losing your respect
never felt so different.
Found that I was just a body and never a mind.

The way I started to feel
left me in this distance.
Thought this couldn't be real, em I the only one?
Couldn't wait until
my pride gave up resistance
leaving me thoughts to ****, using the bottle like a gun.

But this time i'm not falling under the wave again
crawling in the sand
I will face who I really am.

When I come home tonight
It wont be like the first time
letting days pass by, thinking I'm the only one
because
filth
will
not
claim me
and
guilt
will
not
shame me
Even though fear is real, its not all we have to feel
I may be a little light
but before this world, I'll shine bright.

Corpses rot in envy
of how my bones hold no regret
my body still filthy
my clothes, soaking wet
nothing so healing
running to where the sun sets
in my pond
overwhelming
I feel to forget
escaping your dwelling
I finally braced death

Yet your breath
still remains on my neck

the older I get
the shorter it seems to be
where my life's spent
found my way out of misery
and how did I get to be so lucky
finally gave in
and let life just love me

High
I don't wanna miss a moment
now that I'm set free
Goodbye
lonely nights I left broken
your no longer apart of me

the farther I walk
the better it seems to feel
just let my mind talk
soothing my soul and let my heart heal
forever I thought, this pain will lye in my field
but with my sorrows I dropped everything
that was holding me still

High
I don't wanna miss a moment
now that I'm set free
Goodbye
lonely nights I left broken
your no longer inside of me

thought i'd always stay the same
stuck in the same old plain
confused, don't even know my name
       My God Almighty
i'm insane!
up in flames, covered in remains!
colt forced in chains!
the pain     its getting to my brain

well I'll harness this darkness from my heart and turn it all
into art

I plastered myself on the ones who did deceive me
I disguised myself as one of them
I felt this itching urge to scheme the mistreatings
till the night I reserved my right to self conceive sin

I tempered back
I wavered forth
I slid threw the crack and waited on word

and in my mind, it was the time, too end this flaw.
to correct this mistake
this misborted fake

so I downed my flaws

but he saw me, mislead in faith
and gave me back my strength
willing to forgive such a simple kid

I learned from my mistakes

I sit here not nameless
not foreign not forgotten
but simply just swept aside.

I hate how it feels
soiled and rotten
I wish I didn't know how to hide.

I'm so good at fading
I blend so well with the night
commiserating, caught feelings in tide.

I wish a harsher tone would strike my tune
I wish I could reveal all my self worth to you

Blood shot eyes and curbside appeal
dress me up to fake real,
Find me in your photograph and
i'm crying, while your laughing

I really do wish I could...
I wish I could cause I really would,
take you over, take you down
Then leave you.. southern bound.

Would it be better for us too,
to take the letter that life refused
to hold together the breaking news, I'll
do what you say so..
cause I'm a feeling that no body cares for.

Traumatized this is so unreal
laughing with the daffodils
making love where the king sat in
I'm turned on by your old fashion

I really do wish I could,
I wish I could cause I really would.
Turn you over, take you down
you ain't nothing but a blood hound

wouldn't it be better for us two,
to take the letter that life refused
to hold together the breaking news, I'll
do what you say so... cause I'm a feeling that no body cares for.