the past caught up to me
and I

couldn't run away
from it this time.

a fork in the road,

decisions to be made
and I'm waiting, wondering

is life just one big show?

the outcome,
nobody knows,

we're all in it for the ride

trying our best
to keep our heads above water

and not get swept in the undertow.

it's all a game of chance,
and survival

the final destination,
a to-be-determined arrival.

a fork in the road,
decisions to be made,
and I'm waiting, wondering

how long it will take

to break this cycle?

There's no
simple explanation.

It's such a
waste of time.

I'm so tired
of talking

When you
don't listen
or try.

Exhausted from all
of the catastrophes

You've created inside.

I've had all
that I can take.

And so let's make
this short and sweet:

It's time to say goodbye.

Here's another chapter,
Something I've already read.

The sentences are strewn together,
And I'm in my head.

Give me a new perspective,
'Cause something inside me
is dead.

Didn't mean to upset you,
But sometimes,

I wish you'd f*ck off,
instead.

Always a new superstition,
Believing something
that doesn't exist.

Always a new problem,
I've never seen someone
so stressed.

Maybe you're delusional,
But it's not relatable.

Your words make no sense,
And always you're oh so
intense.

Instead of going on,
I'm closing this chapter
instead.

If you wanted sympathy,
you get nothing from me.

Months of chaos,
Spiraling down
The rabbit hole.

There's nothing left to find,
Because I've already sold my soul.

I feel so empty,
So don't preach to me.

You're just wasting your time,
I don't wanna believe.

Drop the lies,
And let it go.

The path you followed
Isn't the one I chose.

If you want sympathy, baby,
You get nothing from me.

Woke up late with
blood stains on
my face.

Don’t know what
the **** happened,

and I don’t even
care anyway.

Getting up and
getting around,

work is all I know
in this pathetic town.

It’s all the
same sh*t,
different day.

Who the hell
is still around

here anyway?

Stuck with a crazed
roommate,

who reminds me
of an ex

who just won’t

get the ****
outta my face.

I’ve had enough,

and man,

I give up,
like wow,

I’m getting
out of
this place.

Emotions are
Hard to express

But you’ve got
To move on
And reset.

Living like
You’re in hell

Damaging no
One else but
Yourself.

It’s not complicated
But it’s harder than
You’ll ever know.

Sometimes you
Have to face
The truth

And sometimes
You’ve got to
**** it up.

It’s not easy,
But persistence
Is key

You can’t do
It all for show.

You’ve got to
Put the effort
In yourself

And grow.

Remember a year ago

When I was
Caught and
blindsided?

Emotions clouded over,
And I struggled every day.

Days I spent crying,
And it took me a while

To realize it was
For all the wrong
Reasons.

There’s no need
To keep the weight
On my shoulders

But I let it keep me
Down,

Back into
Familiar ground.

I kept diving deeper
Until I finally drowned

Back into the past

Before I took hold
And turned it all around.

Vision seeing double
The light inside,

Flickering
And fading

I realize if
I don’t do
Something
Now

I’ll spend an
Eternity in trouble.

It took a miracle
To wake me up

It took a miracle
To recover

I’m ready to move
Forward, separate
And sever

The past forever

And move on with
My life

Carefree.

Years have passed
And I finally see
With my eyes open.

Years of misery,
Tears, enough
To cry at a funeral.

I was in a comatose,
Waiting for someone
To bring me to life.

You were the one
I wanted and

You were right there
The whole time.

And that’s when
I knew,
At that moment,

Everything
Would be alright.

Back then,
We both went

Our own paths,
Made our own plans,

But somehow we
Crossed paths.

And now, loneliness
Is a feeling that’ll
Never last.

Years have passed,
But I can finally
See,

You were the one,
Meant for me.

I have my doubts,
Dreamin’, always
In the clouds.

But dreams aren’t
Reality, and already

It feels I’m lost in
The shadows.

I only wanted
To be part of
Something,

I only wanted
Everything and
In-between.

But life is about
Battles we pick
And choose,

And already,
I feel I’m going
To lose.

Doubt in self,
Everything and
Everyone else.

Already pulling
Me under, right
Beneath my skin,

My heart is bleeding,
For all the wrong
Reasons.

People come in
My life for a reason,

Some last a lifetime,
Some leave before

The change of the
Seasons.

But doubt persists,
And already I know
How this will end.

I still have my doubts,
Always dreamin’,
Always in the clouds,

I'm always
Running for cover

And riding the storm
Before the rain

Enshrouds me
In the darkness

Before I have a
Chance to recover.

you can’t say
you’ve lived

until you’ve
truly tried.

you can’t say
you gave it your
all

until you’ve
given everything
you’ve got

and fight.

[…]

years spent,
paralyzed

tired of myself,
everyone else,
and all the lies

i spent my days
wondering,

will
somebody help
me

before i meet
my demise?

neon sunset,
fade to black,

black and white
silhouettes dancing,

overexposed memories attack,
reminding me of a time

when i was barely alive.

(somebody help me
before i meet my
demise.)

two years in,
i can imagine

a life without
you in it.

for too long
you held on
like a ghost,

a hellish prison.

never letting go,
never setting me
free.

but i learned to
move forward
without you.

i learned to
break the chains.

like a dream,
a wake-up call,
a realization:

how many times
do i have to
hurt before

i’m accepted
for who i am?

You talk like you own me  
But the past is messing  
With your head.

A long-standing crush,  
One-sided and so  
Destructive.

You've fallen in a  
Pit of despair.

Instead of focusing  
On yourself,

You left me broken  
And bruised

And I don't know  
What to do.

It's got me feeling  
Hopeless

I'm lost and  
Confused,

You're getting  
Under my skin.

I didn't ask you  
To bleed for me

Your focus  
Is so obsessive

I'm one step closer  
To the edge of  
Cardiac arrest.

I only wanted to  
Live and let go,

But you're still  
Stuck in the past,  
Stuck inside yourself

Not making any effort  
To do better and rise above  
This and help yourself.

They say to not
open old wounds

When the heart
is longing for
something more

What else do you
have left to lose?

The world is spinning
slower when your world
comes to a halt.

But I want you to know
it's not your fault.

Emotions are a roller-coaster:

The ups and downs,
looping around until
you've reached your stop.

There's no set destination,
and you've got nothing
but your imagination

Leading you places,
you never thought
you'd go.

Just take it slow,
and everything will
fall in place.

It's not a race,
just take it
at your own pace.

So, when they say to not
open old wounds,

And the heart
longs for something
more,

Don't be afraid to
open new doors.

I didn't mean to start
the violence.

Something inside
me broke, and

I came alive.

Releasing the anger
within,

Knowing no matter
what I do, I can't win.

Can't please the detractors;
scars have barely faded,
and look at what they've created:
a walking disaster.

Basking in the fire,
the walls keep closing in on me,
and the flames keep climbing higher
and higher.

The anger rising,
a tide of fire,
the monster inside,
tired of the lies
and neverending disaster.

Two years ago,
and it felt like

I failed from the start.

I didn’t know where to go,
I didn’t know who to believe,

nor did I have the foresight to see

when one heart bleeds,
there’s another in need

from falling apart.

I spent every day wondering,

will love find me and set my soul free?
Or is this the life I’m destined to lead?

All I’ve wanted is to love someone,
and keep myself from falling apart.

But time is a long-winding road
that leads me to doors from yesterday,

and it’s up to me to get up and make my way
to a door filled full of brighter days.

Two years gone by, and my world’s in a haze,
I can slowly see through the smoke

when I hear you call my name.

Salt in our wounds,
burning, bleeding

the pain’s not
not enough

but it’s hard to
believe

wounds can’t
heal until

we’re finally
set free.

refusing to believe
we’re still here

falling, tripping
into our own fears

ever-present but
not really here

only existing,
and living
in the afterlife.

reaching the light,
chemicals collide,

we’re one step
closer to the other side.

Self-inflict, inner conflict,
You have yourself to blame.

No sense in looking to
Someone else when

You can’t even look
At me,

Almost like you’re
Ashamed.

Was it something
I said?

Did I go too far,
Or did I tear us
Apart a little more?

When the world
Isn’t easy, we both
Try to avoid and hide

And argue
Who is right.

There’s no space
For resolution
Or compromise.

So we dance,
One more time,

And pretend nothing
Ever changes
And remains the same.

So continue to avoid
Looking me in the eyes
And take my hand.

There’s no compromise
Without a little pain
Time and time again.

So let’s dance and
Tip-toe on thin wire

And let our hearts
Set on fire

One last time.

took a dive and hit the deep end again

oh, where did it all go wrong?
(where did it all go wrong?)

it’s hard to pinpoint, or start,
i caused so many problems

(i feel so hollow)

all i know is destruction is my adrenaline
and

i don’t want the high to ever end.

i don’t want to feel.
i don’t want to heal.

so give me the fix, and let’s pretend,

because all i’ve got is sink or swim,
survive, and hold on,

because this wire has frayed,
split apart

and took a nosedive
headfirst into the heart.

oh, where did it all go wrong?

i took a chance, now star-crossed

the fire in me, once strong,
sways and flickers,
before going dark.

oh, where did it all go wrong?

the wires are crossed,
the messages aren’t clear
and

habits die hard.

the question is whether i can quit this

or will i dive headfirst
into my own sins?

clouded by judgment, lost within,

can’t say i didn’t give my all.

i just find it easier
just to give in.

i’m hopeless,
and restless,

stressed and
senseless.

nothing makes
sense and

i can’t help
but be careless

falling head
over heels for
you.

nights blur into
days,

time eludes me,
once again

and i get carried
away.

but when i see you,
i’m frozen in place,

i don’t know
what to do.

just like the wind,
you take my breath away.

cliché and typical,
i’m hopeless but hopeful
to spend another day

with you.

Little lonely ghost,
Sitting there all alone

What's got you in
Your head?

The world may be
Burning, but know
I'll be your cover

And protect you from
Burden.

Little lonely ghost,
It's okay to feel
Less than okay.

It's not your whole life.
It's just one day.

Little lonely ghost,
Don't be afraid.

Just know that
I'll protect you until
The end of my days.

Ruthless, a little
cynical, hellbent on
suicide

It's over before it
even begins tonight.

Cause a scene and
simply explode,

Hurt the ones around you,
the ones you already loved,

Lose them like dominos, falling,
one-by-one, it's almost
appalling.

Place the blame, but you know
it doesn't work

You've tried everything
and they already know,

This shade of blue doesn't
look good on you,

What is your true calling?

Do you know what you want
out of life?

The signal never connects,
and blood rushes to your head,

Alert the others, tell them
you've reached the end.

It's over before it even
begins,

You begin to cave
and shamble

Can't hold it together
So you explode and
explain to them

How much you
fight.

How much you try.

Nobody cares.
And you're in denial
Again this time.

It's hard to believe,
that at the end of the day

No one cares and
no one will believe you,

They'll only see
You when you
make an effort and

See the other side.

Look at the streets crumble,
They were just fine.

Now look at you,
The cracks in your face tell me
You can't hold it together,
One more time.

Savage world,
Bitter truth,
It'll do no good to whine.

But it'll do no good to pretend
You're fine.

So you found that
Life isn't fair,
It's full of secrets and truth,
A hidden lair,

That I could still never hide from you
Because it was always there.

Love had its affairs,
And you had it all,
The bitter truth reveals a broken man,
Trying to stand tall.

Trying not to bend,
Or break, or fail,
A man doing his best
Not to crumble like the streets,

And continue to lose it all.

They say time heals
All wounds,

And I'd like to
Think the saying is
True,

But there are days
My heart beats,

Until the very last
Beat makes a sound.

And here I am,
Once again,
Wanting to drown.

It seems life
Is relentless,

And I just want
To end this, because
Pain is endless.

Nothing goes my way,
And in a way,

I know deep down,
It's going to
Be okay.

It may not get better
Right at this moment,

But I know heartache
Won't last forever.

I can stay stuck
In the past,
And reminisce,

Or move forward, and let
It all coalesce,

And choose to merge
The past with
The future,

And do my
Best not to regress.

Let it out and
Don't be afraid
To cry.

Let it out,
Because surviving is
Hard enough

When all you
Have is yourself
And you're trying

Your best to stay alive.

You say this is the end
Of your story,

And somewhere along the way,

You've convinced yourself
You've written the last

Chapter.

But it's not what you pictured,
It's not a fairytale story,
A happily ever after.

Things never go the way
You planned it.

Now it's pure survival,
And you're fighting every
Day to live another day

And not take the easy way out
And simply end it.

Dear dearly beloved,
It's me, again.

I'm sorry for the
Pain and sorrow.

I just want to let
You all know that

There's only
So much lower
I can go.

There's a bullet
With my name on it,

But I don't want
To pull the trigger.

I promise I'm not a quitter,
But I'm far from
Being a winner.

I'm always pulled in
Every direction,

And I feel I fail
Every time, stepping
In the wrong direction.

It's hard to compartmentalize
And section my emotions,

I'm always one step away
From jumping off a ledge,
And it's getting harder

Just to hold on.

Dear dearly beloved,

Pray that I make it through,

So my soul doesn't get
Crushed by the weight
Of the world,

And delivered to the underworld.

Seasons are changing,
life never ends
but here we are

Starting over again.

It used to be
simple then,

Relying on us
relying on you.

Now it's just me,
Wondering what could
have been,

And just trying
to get through.

Seasons are changing,
life never ends,

and I'm writing
to let you know

I'm okay with
being friends,

As long as I'm not
left alone without you.

If life is a living hell,
And living is a privilege,
Then surviving is a show-and-tell
Of who’s got the most,
And it’s never the ones struggling
To stay afloat.

If this is hell,
Then what can be worse than this?
Who really wins when it’s all
Make-believe and pretend?

The rich get richer,
And we all keep drowning in debt,
Expected to just take it.

Plans change,
It’s nothing strange.

People come,
Then they leave.

Like a carousel,
or a revolving door,

The ones we loved
come and go as
they please.

There’s no need
to worry, no need
to be torn.

It’s just that

We outgrew the
ones we thought
we knew,

And only holding on
to a select few.

It’s nothing we
did,

It’s not what we
chose.

It’s just the
realization

that part of
growing up

is finding who
we are too.

always the same
and never the better

you run a fool’s game,
always playing with
the lever.

ready to pull down,
ready to go,

the deepest
pockets of your mind,
an ebb and flow.

misery loves company,
at least one more
this time

always cyclical, and round
and round you go,

emotional chaos
that you hope to
control

but the storm’s ragin’
and you’re comfortable

with a little rain
sometimes

because you know
stories aren’t told
without a little
suffering sometimes.

Here we go again.

Another poem focused
on the past, focused on
sins.

Another stanza of a
pain so deep inside,
that there’s no way out
from within.

Days go by and it never left,
Depression, obsession, and
a little possession,

It’s demonic,
and not right.

But suffering
never ends.

Breathe. Inhale. Live. Die.

Smoke and mirrors,
all the time.

Here we go again.

Another poem,
another line,

Written and signed

By the artist who lost
the will to live and survive.

It doesn’t have to be this way,
It’s not as hard as you imagined
it all to be.

There are hills, and obstacles in
the way, but persistence is key—

Prevailing is the best way
to not fall in a state so freely.

It’s all about faking your way,
And ******* it up, until you
grow so numb, because nothing
else matters—

Nothing else matters anymore.

It’s a hard road ahead, and you’re
the greatest enemy that you
could ever meet.

An enemy you could only
defeat.

But you’ve yet to stand up
for yourself, and you end up
getting torn,

A person left in shatters,
oh-so forlorn.

I haven’t given up,
But the energy inside me
has dimmed over time.

Life has swallowed me whole,
And I’m caught in the tide of a
never-ending spiral,
Drowning at every word.

Will I make it out of
this storm, or be carried away
by the waters, no sign of life
and screams left unheard?

I’m content with suffering,
but this emptiness inside me,
persists without warning.

I forgot how to feel,
Forgot how to smile,

The last time I felt
something,

I haven’t felt that
way in a while.

And so life
reminds me,

That no matter
what I do, or where
I go,

My problems always
follow me, even when
I’m alone.

I haven’t given up,
And I haven’t broken
down,

But I know my
problems won’t go away
until I’m six feet underground.

Let’s go to war
and fight with our
hearts and minds

Let’s start a battle
and crash into the sun.
One more time.

Let’s watch the tensions
lessen, a cause and effect,
directing us to chaos,
never teaching us a lesson.

Let’s watch the bombs rain
down and the feelings
dwell, unable to spell out
what we want to say,

Only lashing out,
hurting everyone,
just like yesterday.

An explosion of emotions,
An attack on the heart,
Cause and effect and
Doomed from the start,

We are the catalyst to
the problem we created
together and apart.

Still hurting, still bleeding,
Still reeling, still feeling.

Drowning in self-pity,
Confronting reality,
Where not everything
is easy.

Hopelessly broken,
Trying to find a way
To pick up the pieces.

But he keeps falling
Behind, and left
Oh so traumatized.

Shaking, trembling,
Unable to align as
The pieces fall and
Say their goodbyes.

He realizes
He's got to let it go
Or risk being
Left behind.

Spent the last few years
Living in disarray,

Always chasing safety,
Hoping I'd make it someday.

But safety only
Goes so far,

When I'm always
Going to war
With myself

And all I leave are
Scars.

Stuck in a dreamscape
Battlefield that makes it
Hard to go to sleep.

Post-traumatic stress
And nightmares eating me
For days,

Sometimes,
I just want to scream
And disappear for days.

Some days, I wonder,
Is there an end to
This storm?

Is there a better way to cope
Or will I have to suffer
A little more?

Remember back in the days,
When you were joyous
And cared without a doubt,

Before the days of darkness
Shrouded over and cast
A shadow over you?

Remember the days
You loved, and were
Loved back?

The kisses and hugs,
The smiles given back.

The days when you
Had purpose, and drive.

Nothing could stop you,
And you felt like you
Could fly.

But one day, one mistake
After the next, you kept
Falling and tumbling down.

You lost every sense of
Self, and lost yourself in the
Process.

Ignorance is bliss,
But living in denial,
Is like a deadly sin.

What you used to be,
Never really left.

None of that is ever
Really gone.

Remember the days
When you thought
You had it all?

None of that
Was ever really lost.

why do i always
go after myself

pick apart every
single thought

tear myself to
pieces and

find excuses
to not have a
heart?

life doesn't go
according to plan

and two years in
i'm caught in-between
lies i told myself

that buried me
deep within.

there's no mystery
i lived in
make-believe

it was a safety-net,
a fantasy
that made me believe

it could one day be.

but one day,
i woke up and realized

feeling sorry for myself
only goes so far, and leaves
me paralyzed.

i had to move on
from this nightmare.

i had to finally
move past,
and leave behind,

the memories with
rose-colored eyes.

They say the
grass is greener
on the other side

I tried to cross that
line and all I see
is my life in disarray.

Nothing matters
anyway,

For all I know,
misery is here
to stay.

I tried to find
beauty in
negative spaces

But it's the
same story,
same face.

Not a real trace,
a glimmer of
hope,

Just stuck
in this state
of decay,

A poor, mental
state.

Nobody listens,
no matter what
I'm told,

Everyone is in
it for themselves

They don't care
if I fall.

Is there a future left
for me?

Or will I spend
the rest of my life
losing it all?

thought that it
would get so much
better

but next year
showed up,

and i'm stuck
in the same place

floating down
the same river,

waiting for things
to change.

i'm stuck
with the same
thoughts,

same memories,
same feelings
and feeling

oh so lost.

i can't change
who i am,

i can't forget
the past

but i can try
to move on,

because we both
know i can't be

your favorite
song.

a final repeat
before love comes
undone

and i stop this
cassette and
finally

move on.

if this is my
last train stop,

please don't let
me off

i spent a year
on this ride,

travelled over
the hill of
sadness

and up the
streets on
manic avenue

it's madness
that it ends
like this.

i want to let
go, but i don't

want this to be
my last ride.

coming to terms
like this,

i can't help but
think of you,

even as the
voices in my
head

has convinced me
this is the end
tonight.

i don't want
to pretend,

because
i'm still in
love

like i was
yesterday.

if this is my
last stop,

give me one
last chance,

one last kiss,
and one last
dance.

because i don't
know how i can go
on

without a second
chance at romance.

hello, old soul
it's nice to see
you again

did you come to
haunt me, and
remind me of my
sins?

it's funny how i
keep focusing on
the past,

and here you show
up, maker of the dead.

will there be a truce
to this test?

or is violence the answer,
and this is the end?

self-inflicted and
brought closer to
god

wrong heaven,
a quick detour
with no regard

barreling faster
towards the gates
of hell,

asking,
'what have i done?'
as i'm put in a mental cell.

another day
into the next

nothing changes
except the test

same sun,
rain, and
clouds

same ****
life, same ****
town.

medicated,
and can't make
sense of self

the words in my
head blur
again

and i'm right
back to the

same **** life,
same **** high

stuck in the middle,
with no one to save me
this time.

I don't want to die,
Don't want to say goodbye

But sadness destroyed
my confidence and now

I'm back down hiding
everything deep inside.

How can I go on?

When I don't want
to live, don't want
to try

When everything around me
has turned into one big
lie.

Do I exist just
to get torn
and drug down
under?

Is my life just
one chaotic thunder,

striking every last
chance down before I can
grasp it,

or is it my new normal,
and I haven't accepted it
yet?

Gimme a moment to breathe,
I can’t take it anymore.

Gimme some space,
so I can break down
these walls.

Tried to fake it,
and tell myself
I’m over it,

But you come back
when the rain’s pouring,
ah-hah.

I’m back in the corner,
Once again with

No reprieve,
no space to breathe,
and nowhere to go,

Just tragic and lost,
without you.

Your memories continue
to haunt me and

Remind me of
what we used to be.

Chaotic breakdowns,
screaming at the void,

I wish you would listen,
listen closely this time,
to me.

All I want is to be loved,
I’m not trying to hide.

This isn’t a vague poem,
I wouldn’t lie to you,

I’m just a tortured soul
writing words until
my heart stops bleeding.

I’m forever lost,
Forever lost without you.

So gimme a moment
to breathe

I can’t take it anymore.

This push-and-pull
tug of emotions,
almost like clockwork.

Nothing can compare,
It’s far worse.

Gimme a moment
to breathe,

This torture
is not worth the cause
to me.

Close your eyes,
Pray for better days
ahead

Reach out, rise
above, and touch
the clouds.

Just know
You’re made for
So much more

Know your worth,
Know you’re destined
for something greater.

Don’t let the past
Define and tear you
to threads.

You can choose to
let it consume you

Or move forward
and leave behind
the hurt.

Put your best foot
forward, and cross
those bridges

Because this is
only a setback.

Open your eyes,
This is your time,
Your time to shine.

Tired of feeling
so down and sick

Tired of having no
hope,

Time has done nothing
but break my soul

For once,
I’d like to take
control.

Spent the past year,
Spiraling down and falling
flat on my face

Reliving the past,
Life in disarray.

It’s time I
pick myself up
and figure out

How to conquer
My life and shake
this doubt.

I spent my life,
Dancing around
Tragedy.

Tried to claw
My way back
to the surface,

But the light
Never showed
itself today.

I wake from
My dreams,

With a heavy feeling,
Haunting me

Heart breaking,
And a deep sadness,
That left the very core
Of me frozen with the reality

A stark realization
That love was
never meant to be.

Miserable as can be,
I accept some things
never change,

But I can’t will it away.

Tragedy is here to stay.

Waking up lonely,
Wanting somebody.

Broken from the past,
And a melancholic mind,
That leaves me longing.

I just want to call someone
My one and only,

Instead, I’m haunted
by memories that are
now long gone,

And I’m back to
feeling lost
and empty.

why does it feel like
everyone is moving on

and here I'm stuck in my
head, falling?

it's a crash course in life,
that's only left me broken,
a man with no calling.

dwelling on the
past, torturing myself

regressing instead of
progressing

fallin' in a deep
depression,

unable to escape this hell.

i keep looking for a
way out, but there's no
end in sight,

and so, I find myself.
alone and barely
alive.

From past heartbreak,
I learned to amend,

Learned to make
The best of a situation,

Even accepting and
Starting off as friends.

Still learning to move on
From a past so complicated,

I keep trying my best to not
get lost in the devastation,

Please excuse the infatuation,
I get lost in my head.

I promise I'm trying my best to
not get so fixated,

Give me some patience
And grace,

Because I don't want to
Push you away again.

Just know that I'm grateful,
More than okay,

Starting off as just friends.

the water’s rising,
and there's nowhere
left to run

an emotional tidal
wave that destroys
everything it touches,

and I’m trying to
make it out alive.

but I’m tethered
to the past, and

it’s holding me down
again this time.

head above water,
it feels like I'm digging
my own grave

swept out, at last,
and lost in the tide.

the walls have come
down, and I'm

fighting to
swim my way
out, trying to survive.

no one left to love,
no one left to trust,

just swept up in the
flood of heartbreak and pain,
that always self-destructs.