I remember the feeling
so long ago
I thought it was lost and forgotten
as I have no records of it
I made sure to destroy anything
that could have reminded of it
but it is more sinister
than I would ever imagine
like a black hole
all consuming
like a black hole
that shadows all light
like a black hole
that drains you of life
and I thought I had escaped
only to be drawn to it
with ever increasing force
that felt like tearing me apart
when I tried to put up a fight
and I have lost
and I have lost so much
and I feel it became the center of my universe
and I feel it slowly eating it away
and I fear it is the only thing holding it together
I have lost
There is no escape.

Another light went dark
so I am even more alone at night
they ended their suffering
will I end mine?

The body is a sickness
life is a disease
how long I have to suffer?
When will I be released?

Heart heavy like a stone
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
like I’m somewhere I belong

I am so alone
I feel like in a crowd
of unfamiliar faces
their long stares - so dark
and empty too
empty people
in empty rooms
in empty apartments
and I try to reach out
but there is nothing too
so I fall
and I crawl
and carry on
nothing can be shown

I count the clouds in the sky
moving ever so slowly
up, up and above they are
and now the sky is clear
and I can see the moon
and I can think about
how beautifully it shines
and how lucky I am to be here
It is a bright, warm summer night
and I feel alive

I count the raindrops
hitting my bedroom window
slowly sliding down
down into this dark night
and the sky is clear
and I can see the stars
and I can think about
how beautiful they are
and how barely alive am I
It is such a dark, cold sleepless night
and I feel nothing

Sometimes
the words speak to themselves,
the language, that I can't understand,
whispers, that I can barely hear,
until silence consumes it,
and I will disappear.

Sometimes
between a word and a heart-attack
the voice plays a tune in my head
it is low and mesmerizing
it captivates me till the end
and releases my soul
like a bird of prey

Standing on a cliff
the sea is vast open
waves whispering softly
drifting seashells come ashore
lost their purpose
lost their homes
but still beautiful
so beautiful and empty
sharing the tale of love
how it all starts
and what will we become
how all will be forgotten
everything lost
so I will become nothing
just dust drifting in the air
so peaceful and one with the universe

This is not the beginning
or the end
of a life-long journey
it is a meaningless act
a silent scream
like a rain
knocking on a window
before it breaks
or a rib cage so tight
it disallows breathing
how far can you fall
if you lay on a ground beaten
so take your dull wits to play
in hall of colorful emotions
you have no reason to stay
on a day of fine frenzy

It's getting dark
and harder to breath
the air from my lungs
is escaping me
just breathe out
I can't breathe in
one thousand needles
piercing me
the vision is blurry
the sound is all deaf
I feel like this moment
will be my death

So powerful
and yet so calm
will you carry me over?
to leave all these things behind
and watch me slowly become
somebody else

He watches her and grins
But she has an eye on her ring
they got a few drinks
not enough to change her mind
things are calm
until she sips
from her own cup of denial
she bites her lip
waiting for the orchestra to start
and her body was like a canvas
where he composed his best masterpiece
her fingers trembling with desire
but her mouth unable to speak
when he touched her skin
he sparked a fire
that brought her to the peak
as it brought him to his knees
to fulfill her lustful needs
and you can hear the storm raging
until it drowns in the ocean
earthquake of joy
to bury devotion

I see you dancing in your words
and I see you smiling too
I hear the music of your life
that brought me to you
and into the night
carried by Pegasus
to reach the stars
those distant memories
until you fade out
a wonderful reverie

Tiny wires in my head
connect me to the internet
every message and every status checked
so much boring information packed
high-school mate grow a beard
another teenage pregnancy
another model leaving scene
life is so ordinary it seems
meaning slowly disappears
and some words you can't take back
I feel like I should disconnect

One day I will become thin air
my words will only wind whisper
No one will know or care if I ever existed
I wish it was easier to say
how hard is to tell the difference
from being alive now.

Another day went by
It ended well before it started
All this needless time
All this needless effort
Was it ever worth a try?
Is it better to know pain
or to know nothing?

Run,
run as fast as you can,
you need to go another mile
another mile until the end
and then it all starts again
give more, push harder, you see
don't you ever stumble, fool
the wolves are right behind you
happy to eat you alive
they feed on your every fall
they grow with every blunder
whatever you do, just move on
never look back
they are right behind you.

As I sit by this candle with a glass of wine
I look through the window and into the dark
few flickering street lights, stars high above
I am out there with them I am loosing my calm
so tired and sleepless
thoughts run wild through my mind
and their screams so violent and loud
like if I torture them by not letting them out
I feel them scratching on the inside of my skull
and I know if they could they would rip it apart
and I would let them!
but all I can do is sigh
mumble uncontrollably words I barely recognize
there is a horrible gap between my whispers and their cries
the voice is not enough
give me a pen, a piano, a brush
let me silence the storms inside my mind
let me write it all down, with my soul and my blood.

Walking in circles
the mist has covered my eyes
walking in circles
passing by the truth and the lies
walking in circles
directions direct the past
walking in circles
I am nowhere to be found
walking in circles
and I am not moving at all.

It is sadness
when the falling rain
is just broken shower head
and your filth and stain
goes down the drain
and it leaves you speechless

It seems that like a bubbles
the echoes of life roam around
why do I remain untouched?
Truth is painfully obvious
only beautiful flowers
are picked up to die

Diluted feelings of what once was
Detached from the reality of the usual
Drained from wishes of possibilities
Truth is painfully obvious
Every God forsaken day I die
a little more inside.

I am not afraid of pain,
it gave me so much, I cannot repay,
it filled the void beneath my eyes -
There once was soul, but was replaced
now its claimed by abyss fall.

I am in no shape to be adored,
I made mistakes, I closed my doors,
but there was light to hold my hand,
show the path and lead the way,
and for all of that I must thank pain.

Never would I ever know,
if I did right, if I did wrong,
only if the sorrow after act would follow
then the answer clear as day, I could regret in my dismay,
If only I could thank my pain.

The cracks in the mirror show how broken I really am,
under the cover of skin lives a skeleton,
unable to bear emotions of man.

It am not me, I just see who I became,
I just silently watch, how I'm falling from grace,
I have become him and I know him too well.

He knows no love, knows not how to care,
knows no kindness, just stare in his eyes,
you'll see the emptiness.

I kicked and I screamed and I still became him,
I wish to be free, but I know I have sinned,
now for rest of my days, I will be him.

Three days a week, I drink myself to sleep,
Three days a week, I cry myself to sleep,
Today I know there will be no sleep.

No need to ****
what is dead inside,
rats die in sewers,
when the flood comes,
and rivers go dry,
when the rain is undone,
and flowers bloom for butterflies,
only to be eaten by caterpillars,
sometimes you watch the time go by,
only to realize you went blind,
the world is a wild jungle,
you became cockroach to survive.

This is no way for the story to end,
you were supposed to complete me,
but there are so many pieces missing, my friend,
I know that is not really your fault,
but where should I begin?

Your stories are so funny,
and you look cute as hell,
but the real inferno is raging on inside you,
and that is a thing that I can never change.

You went silent, you fell apart,
you  looked the other away,
now even if I see you,
I wonder if you are there.

You know I am alright,
I stroll through the wreckage of my heart,
I wish to find survivors of your terrorist attack,
but they all just walked away from me, babe.

You see, they know I am crazy,
they know I am ready for another spin
of this wheelchair madness called life,
another cycle gone, I survived.

You hear me talking and I know I am lost,
I found you and the world is gone, I am blind,
I found you and I know I am asking for pain,
and I am glad I can have you again.

Oh, my dearest madness, my anxiety, my horrors, my deepest regrets, how much I have missed you all, my friends. It has been a long, long time, but be ready, I am coming to stay.

The burn that iron gives me,
the pain that makes me feel,
may the god forgive me,
I shall worship the steel.

Until my blindfold rises,
no-one will hear my screams,
no-one will cure my madness,
no-one will soothe my spleen.

By vultures I'm surrounded,
a vulture will I became,
a heartless, cruel, monster,
the twisted and decayed.

The painful truth that serves you well
all the rules that breaks your will
and make you the servant
of long dead men

Someone smiles and wished you well
but in the end they all pretend
compassion is inhumane crime
Masters tell what's worth your time

They sent letters green and white
the more you have the more they got
the less you have the lesser man
these worthless creatures they can't stand

Worship your masters and things they gave
pursuit those letters night and day
they are the things that make life fair
they are the things that make you man

Nothing feels like home
a whole new world
when you close the door
and lay down on the carpet
staring at an empty wall
wish for it to break the silence
and you drown yourself in salt
and suffocate yourself with a pillow

Days and years may pass
but you are still strong in your fortress
nobody can breach the walls
you are alone in eternal darkness
emptiness tied your tongue
and mercy have you blinded
sill nobody noticed you are gone
nobody will notice when you die here.

Standing on the edge of the roof
staring into the abyss
wishing it eats me
just a leap of faith holds me here

And the weight of virtues
is heavier than vices
and brings me down
I lay on ground

Flight was short
forsaking what is sacred
but it's all worth it
for a peace of mind.

World is trying to drown me
and I want to scream
but my hands are tied down
and my lips are sealed

Your eyes are open
still you fail to see
living in your own world
pain replaced with fantasy

And you are never wrong
and I can't ever stop you
with the vision so strong
you have drowned another

There is an island in the sky
flying high above
it is so beautiful
and yet untouched

Scorching the sky
and hiding the sun
it cares for nothing
it cares for no one

It's just a piece of rock
cold, heartless with no blood
did not love and did not care
was it ever even there?

I was born alone
There was no mother to love me
and no father too
I was held in cold hands of the nurse
and then they cut the only connection
that I had to my family

At that very moment I was forsaken
denied the right to love in this earth
all I will ever know is hate
I shouldn't have existed
shouldn't have wasted air
to my family I was born dead.

I remember
not sure I will ever forget
all these years of...
trying to find words
but none can do you justice
looking up on that shower head
and the water pours down on me
I have my hands tied by a power cord
and you burnt my arm with your match
there is blood on my forehead
that made me spit in your face
you smash my head on the bath tub
this time I think you cracked it open
and the water is just as cold
as you are, my friend
or what is your name
and the water is almost boiled
and it starts all over again

A dove just flew by
it sat on a fence nearby
she is so beautiful
pure and white

I want to reach the sky
as easy as she does
high above tedious lives
of people chained to ground

So I caught her in my arms
tore her feathers
ripped wings apart
but she was still alive

So I took a stone
and crushed her skull
red my lips with her blood
and put her feathers on my coat

I might not be able to fly
but neither can she now
She is such a cruel beast
to turn beauty into cruelty

I can feel your whip
when I pull you like a mule
I beg you to strike harder
because I can hardly feel

I am a dead horse
I'll show you my naked bones
admire their beauty
and watch my body rot

I stood in the water
tried to wash away my sins
tried to brush it off with steel
but my sentence is incomplete

You made me pull harder
and I fall deeper in the soil
mud beneath your fingers
is not like mud in my blood

You put out the fire
just to keep me in the dark
but I've been already blinded
and your whip strikes with brutal force

I try to speak up
but my lungs are full of stones
and lies you have seeded
make me pull once more

This is my last confession
I loved you and I don't
last whisper to the wind
may it carry ashes of joy

She's dying alone
in a hospital bed
she has five children
but she's all by herself

Her husband is dead
she's on minimal wage
her kids pay a caretaker
so they don't have to care

Screams of other patients
and persilen smell
nurse pushing meat wagon
that is her bed

Disembodied
screaming in pain
she once was a human
but now she is dead

I can hear the endless sounds
of my soul bleeding
and down the drain it goes
and all that was right
is now wrong
until it disappears completely
that's what it is
living alone
in a nether
with no family
with the world chewing you
ever so slowly
and pushing you back
in a trashcan "not normal"
or box for "socially acceptable"
and so called friends
lurking in shadows
waiting for you to fall
so they can salvage what is left
and you are alone
alone and your legs broken
that will teach you not to stand
alone and you will never be "home"
with bleeding soul
and heart so cold
that it gives you shivers
out of touch
and out of control
lets write him off as "lost"

On which side of the barricade
did you put yourself?
You hide behind lies
and pretend to be betrayed

In reality, you paint your world
the colors you want
and give it the furniture
and some decorations

And I choose love
love, mercy and caring
because that is the world
that I want to see.

Happy 4/20 everyone!

I am spinning aimlessly
in this endless universe
it makes me so sick
I am cold

Heart that knows sorrows
beaten and crushed
soul skin thick
I am alone

World of only bleak colors
worn out words
so unkind
I die.

Are you with me?
Can you hear the voices?
Do you hear them roaming,
crawling in the dark!

I hope you see me,
I hope you see them eating me,
you left me lonely, broken
now they keep me company!

Hey you, **** me!
Hey you, add into my scars!
Hey you, monster, stronger!
I can't feel a thing tonight.

I can feel them touch my skin.
I fire of thousand sun is burning.
They can't control their lust.
Soon they all see just what I think is fun.

You made me believe.
Believe that I'm something I'm not.
Now you break free,
and I am crawling in the dark.

Your nails in my skin,
making me bleed.
You bite me so hard,
now, that is what I like.

I hate you so bad,
makes me sick to look at you.
You are a monster! Monster!
***, please, tear me apart.

One day, maybe this is the day
I will become thin air for you
when you burn the house to ashes
and step all over it in shiny new Prestige shoes
your chest will rise as you inhale
the smell of victory
I hope you'll choke on it.

Words lost all their meaning today it seems
they became a shadows of the yesterday's dreams
it seems that all whats left is abundantly clear
never greet another day and confess all my sins

I know you have your hand in this you beast
today you add another scratch into your wrist
I hear your smile while my conscious disappears
You know I never wanted, never wanted this.

Just a few more drops of this acid rain
and then I promise to never be the same
words are evil disguise for crimes yet unspoken
you love me now, but you love me more when I am broken

I don't deserve much of an apology
because it hurts even more with every letter you spoke
I want to be free but I am too tired to let go
this night I will sleep in your merciless grip

You persuade me,you made me do all this
I thought I was a king, but I was only a slave to you
with clean cuts you destroyed my pride
with joy you watch as I destroyed my own dignity

But now I see everything clear
I stare into your face and you smile, I see the sparkle in your eyes
you smile because you know I know and still can do nothing
with joy you crushed me in your arms

There was once a fire inside me
It was burning so bright but you turned me into ashes
and you forced me to choke on my own smoke
and now you are all that is left of me.

Where am I and Why I'm here?
I hear the voices calling me
miles away, beneath the sea
whisper, whisper in my ear.

Don't listen to those words too sweet
they only want you to be deceived
they have poison on their tongue
and with lies they filled their lungs.

Do not fallow the way they show
it leads to place of eternal void
in abyss they will let you fall
and out of there you cannot go.

Such a beauty cannot go
untainted for long
even the prettiest rose
will grow herself some thorns

Luring your naive pray
in your arms, your twisted game
make them stay, and then you slay
the thorns of you will be their end

It's okay
if things don't go my way
some days
they always have their own way

But why is the way to hell
a highway, a highway...
and the only way to heaven
is the stairs?

I really thought
though the way was tough
that there's a place
we could go

In the end
put out fire
let's move on
to nowhere.

I am so sorry
for all that needless worry
just the hourglass of life
is now turned upside down

But is it the top
or is it the bottom
and what difference
it makes to me?


How sinful to live
how sinful to speak
how sinful to breathe
how sinful to even exist

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."

Can someone explain to me
why is it that I can't see?
Why are my eyes
drowning in my fears?

Sleep, sleep, sleep
darkness come to me
embrace me, speak to me
why am I so lonely?

Let me burn in the pyres
I can't stand this cold
let me go, just let me go
please..

You want to believe your twisted story?
All your sweet talks of love
all those words you got
you prepared a trap
and you played me like a fool!
I was dancing as you pulled
but those strings are broken
and they shall never grow back
for you to pull them again!

I know the comfort of words
my dear angel
it feels so nice and comfy
to be wrapped in the silk of your lies!
Others might think you're a God
but I can see right through
there's a Devil in you!
You are good at disguise
but you are evil inside!

Behind those trickster eyes of yours
behind the fake smile is Hell's open door
Somehow right from the start
you knew I go bellow my price
and you ****** the life out of me
So, go,go,go!
I want you to be gone
I don't want to see you again
go back to Hell!
Farewell, "my friend"