JAC: Poems

JAC Feb 2018

Leaving bridges in flames
and walls in glorious ruin

I stepped into the open air
tears reaching my collarbone

while sledgehammer and matches
slipped from trembling fingers inside.

Going Nowhere on the Queensway at Quarter Past One in the Morning on Sunday

JAC Jul 2018

Going Nowhere on the Queensway at Quarter Past One in the Morning on Sunday

The rain drapes the windshield in sheets
and the radio doesn't reach any stations

cold integrity darkens the interior
of Alex's rusty crimson Camaro

it's never this quiet on the highway
sliding between light and lightning

laid bare by a flash across the sky
naked at the sound of thunder

what use is running away
if all you can do is drive.

Back to the Camaro reference, I guess? It seems to be some sort of vessel for nostalgiac feelings and a longing for memories that have never actually happened, which I don't mind.

#night #drive #late #dark #sky #lightning #thunder #storm #rain #running

Goodmorning, Sleepyhead

JAC Jun 2017

Goodmorning, Sleepyhead

Mornings are unparalleled
When you didn't expect
To wake up
From the night before.

#sleep #fear #morning #wake #before #after #deep #breath #in #okay

Gravity

JAC Feb 2017

Gravity

I'll take my share of gravity
And nothing else
Heaven knows I need some space
But see, there's no gravity there, is there?

#gravity #time #space #falling #heaven #sky #earth #floating #boringtags #whatonearth

Hand-me-downs

JAC Aug 2017

Hand-me-downs

We all
will grow out
of some things
we love.

Happier (The Selflessness Paradox)

JAC Apr 2017

Happier (The Selflessness Paradox)

Nothing would make me happier
than if I were purely selfless,
but then I'd be happiest
and I'd have only served myself.

#happy #selfish #kindness #nothing #myself #paradox #happier #conflicted #selfless

Harbour

JAC Nov 2018

Harbour

Maybe tonight I'll fall asleep
to the sound of sailboats
sweeping through the stars
collecting their life and
generously handing it out
when they reach the harbour

of course, maybe I won't.

#sleep #anxiety #life #stars

Heartbeat

JAC Feb 2017

Heartbeat

Like a
Heartbeat
You are
Always
With me
Until
You ...

To be read rhythmically, as if every two syllables were the beat of one's heart.

#love #life #death #always #heartbeat

Helicopter Moon

JAC Jul 2017

Helicopter Moon

You're like a helicopter
falling off the face
of the moon:

You had no right

                                to be there


                                                      in the first place.

"Hello" and a Sandwich (The Duchess of Kipling)

JAC Sep 2017

"Hello" and a Sandwich (The Duchess of Kipling)

The duchess of Kipling
does not speak to me.
She stands outside
with her sweater and hat
and we don't even see.
The duchess of Kipling
has nothing to say,
for we forget to listen
outside a rushing subway.
A simple "hello,"
is all I can offer,
and maybe a dollar or two -
nothing that helps
as much as we say
we all continually want to.
Her mouth hardlined
and shoes too small,
she's still surprised
I say anything at all.
As if "hello" and a sandwich
could give her a home.

Here

JAC Feb 2019

Here

That day I decided
I'd stay here forever.

Been a while.

#love #here #forever

Hero to the Man Without Blue Eyes

JAC Oct 2016

Hero to the Man Without Blue Eyes

Today I got to be a hero.
I stood up to that man on the train
Who yelled "go home, you *******"
To the man without blue eyes.

I stood up, and I said with voice strong,
"You will show a little respect!
We are all different colours here,
And if you think you are any better,
You will step off this train now."

And he shot back insults -
Deflected with ease.
The man straightened up,
The man without blue eyes,
And he said, "Sir, the boy is right,
It's time for you to get off."

The people with me on the train stood now
No longer happily ignorant
And the man stepped off in defeat
As the train doors sighed.

I wish this was the case,
But I sat and closed my eyelids tight.
I am no hero
To the man without blue eyes.

Hiding in Night Lights

JAC Feb 2018

Hiding in Night Lights

You must tire of waiting in dreams
for imagined colours to meet you
sleeping through monochrome alarms
with sprites that don't make morning

when you wake to black and fade to grey
and arms of temptation lull you back
you recite prayers to keep you awake
just as exhausted as the day you missed

red wishes you a way to wake to colour
the greens and blues that wait for you
day misses you as much as you miss her
so must you keep hiding in night lights?

Holes in Me

JAC Aug 2017

Holes in Me

Every time it feels like the evening
Upwind of cigarette smoke
I become aware of the holes in my shoes
And the holes in my eyes
And the holes in my logic
And the holes in me.

Hospital Flowers I

JAC Jan 2018

Hospital Flowers I

You are not going to die
they were shouting at me

I couldn't really hear them
but *you are not you will not

terror fell from their eyes
and that is what I heard

then I saw blue and black
more more and more until

you are not you will not
you will not leave me dark.

As the Gina series draws to an end, I found comfort beginning the Hospital Flowers series. Writing has been an immense help with understanding recent events, and revealing the resulting poems sequentially has given me motivation to continue doing so. Dedicated to Gina.

Hospital Flowers II

JAC Jan 2018

Hospital Flowers II

That is the easiest thing to break
something that is hardest to build*

you took your time with your words
since there was little time to say

what you had to, you drew out
each syllable, a razor blade

long and thin like your fingers
soon your sentence would leave

with it everything you wished for
and you will arrive with nothing.

Hospital Flowers III

JAC Jan 2018

Hospital Flowers III

They do this because they love you,
your parents* I tell you over and over

see I don't know but what else do I say
they just don't have experience in this

wouldn't it be reassuring to believe
someone loves you in any situation I ask

as hospital flowers wilt in your window
we wait for everyone to understand

but we have been waiting forever
and a lot of eternity will soon expire.

Hospital Flowers IV

JAC Jan 2018

Hospital Flowers IV

And
don't

soon
you

we
love

will
being

run
able

out
to

of
just

air.
*breathe?

Hospital Flowers V

JAC Feb 2018

Hospital Flowers V

I keep trying to **** myself
and I keep not dying* you tell me

do you have any idea how frustrating
this is you ask but expect no answer

I know I say what else can I offer
I don't know how to do this

but I don't want you to go I don't
*I can't stand to let hospital flowers die.

Hospital Flowers VI

JAC Feb 2018

Hospital Flowers VI

Hospital flowers
don't live very long

and frosted windows
will miss your reflection

we give up when we know
that we will never win a fight

but today I hope to bring you more
red and yellow flowers to fight for you.

Hospital Flowers VII

JAC Feb 2018

Hospital Flowers VII

You can write about me* you said
and that way I'll never really die

I don't want to write about you I said
*If you can't ******* be here to read it.

I don't normally swear.

Hospital Flowers VIV

JAC Feb 2018

Hospital Flowers VIV

Today
but you

I left
will

a rose
never

for you
see it.

How Long It's Been

JAC Mar 2018

How Long It's Been

There was a time
when I wrote poems
about longing and love

but I love how long it's been
since that was okay, since
I didn't have other things
to worry about, to think
about, to dream about.

Lovers and dreamers
write out your hearts
but I am no longer
one of your many.

How Odd That We Think We Need Permission

JAC Jul 2017

How Odd That We Think We Need Permission

Am I
allowed
to tell you
  I love you?

'Cause I'm afraid
                   you'll say
                      you don't.

#love #afraid #you #dont

How Sweet the Sound of Finally Finding Home

JAC Jun 2018

How Sweet the Sound of Finally Finding Home

For a moment I
heard a small laugh

trickle down the quiet
stretch of crumbling street

across the rusted bicycles
broken down garage doors

overgrown sections of grass
scattered with sun-worn toys

and there I finally found it,
all the riches in the world.

#loss #home #found #sweet #sad #soft #simple #nostalgia

How You Feel

JAC Nov 2018

How You Feel

I want you
to tell me
how you feel
but right now
I still only
want you to
tell me how
you feel when
you feel the
way I want
you to feel
and it's hard
but I'm trying.

#feel #feeling #poet #poetry #trying #wanting #wish #love

Hurricane Candles

JAC Sep 2017

Hurricane Candles

Do not be
the candle left
in the hurricane,

be the warmth
in the shelter
from the storm.

Hymn to a Storm

JAC Jul 2017

Hymn to a Storm

Verse I:

I enjoy the way your hair
Is always kind of everywhere
And the way your mind is like that too
As if everywhere is nowhere for you
The way you explain so nicely
Just what you have to say, precisely
While your smile, beaming like an eclipse
Hides conversations behind your lips
So thoughtful, so understanding
With a prescence simply demanding
That I smile around you
And so, I do.

Verse II:

I miss the way your hair
Was always kind of everywhere
And the way your mind was like that too
As if everywhere was nowhere to you
I miss the way you'd explain so nicely
Just what you had to say, precisely
While your frown, the moon in an eclipse
Kept conversation far beneath your lips
You were thoughtful and understanding
With a presence simply demanding
That I be there for you
But I wasn't.

#love #mind #everywhere #thoughtful #understanding #smile #nowhere

Hymn to a Storm (Reprise)

JAC Oct 2018

Hymn to a Storm (Reprise)

I enjoy the way your hair
is always kind of everywhere
and the way your mind is like that too
as if everywhere is nowhere for you
the way you explain so nicely
just what you have to say, precisely
while your smile, beaming like an eclipse
hides conversations behind your lips
so thoughtful, so understanding
with a presence simply demanding
that I smile around you
and so, I do.

--

I miss the way your hair
was always kind of everywhere
and the way your mind was like that too
as if everywhere was nowhere to you
I miss the way you'd explain so nicely
just what you had to say, precisely
while your frown, the moon in an eclipse
kept conversation far beneath your lips
you were thoughtful and understanding
with a presence simply demanding
that I be there for you
but I wasn't.

The first stanza was written a few years ago, the second only recently.

#miss #love #thoughtful #understanding #feelings #description #romantic

If a Writer Falls in Love with You

JAC Dec 2016

If a Writer Falls in Love with You

If a writer falls in love with you
Your pockets will be poor
Should you choose to love too.
If a writer falls in love with you
You'll never get straight answers
To questions that matter.
If a writer falls in love with you
Your tears will be ink
And their ink will be tears,
But you will remember everything.
If a writer falls in love with you
Sometimes you'll hurt
But you'd hurt anyways
Had you loved another.
If you love a writer, it may just be love
(Though that, in itself, entails enough!)
But if a writer falls in love with you
Know you'll live forever
No matter what you do.

#love #writer

If Only It Were That Easy

JAC Jul 2017

If Only It Were That Easy

Be all
my sins
forever
forgotten.

#sin #forever #forgotten #easy

I From Another Reality

JAC Nov 2019

I From Another Reality

I saw myself on the bus today
standing slightly taller
I cut my hair, had stronger arms
and finally tailored my sleeves

I saw myself, a better version
a glimpse into another time
where I was me and not myself
and things must have been different, right?

but then I saw the look on my face
the same tired grin in my eyes
and even I from another reality
would see the same as the real me.

If You Wish

JAC Feb 2018

If You Wish

You can just have me
take whatever is left.

I'll Let You In

JAC Nov 2018

I'll Let You In

Kiss me in the back of the train
share your tangled headphones

show me your favourite songs
and you can laugh at mine

we won't say anything
I'll let you in.

#love #kiss #train #music

I'm Afraid to Admit

JAC Oct 2018

I'm Afraid to Admit

Dear man in the moon,

I wish to know what it is
you've to teach me from this,
and would you perhaps consider
taking unsolicited requests?
I seem to have found myself
the happiest I've ever been;
please allow in the thought
of not taking this away
from me, from them
I'll not say this lightly
but I need them.

#need #want #desire #love #happiness

In Also the Worst of Winter

JAC Dec 2018

In Also the Worst of Winter

Let's hold hands and skate on the river
we'll waste away the winter together

not just in the sweet sugar snow
in before our toes get any colder

but in the awful wind too
in the ice and the dark

when the roads and sky go gravel grey
and the spirit of giving fades quickly away

we'll spend all we have but stay by the fire
until the worst of winter gives way to May.

For a while I'd been avoiding rhyme and alliteration to somehow seem more serious and sensible in writing but I've realized that takes so much of the fun away from reading, so I'm working on working fun turns of phrase back in.

#winter #love #together #sweet #sky #fire #cold

In Case You Haven't Been Told a Hundred Thousand Times Already

JAC Sep 2017

In Case You Haven't Been Told a Hundred Thousand Times Already

You
should be
your own
priority.

Inhale, Alight, Splash, Ripples

JAC Sep 2018

Inhale, Alight, Splash, Ripples

It began as most things do,
with the softest of breaths

next came the leap, of faith
of risk, of character, forward

then arrived the water, harsh
the icy rush of consequence

and at the end of the chapter
there was absolutely nothing

but little traces in the wake.

Hello! It's been a while. I swear I'll post a little more now that I'm all settled at school and in my new place. This will be the first poem in my second book.

#breathe #stress #anxiety #chapter #hope #strength

In Memories

JAC Feb 2017

In Memories

We
never
age
in memories.

#memories #remember #young #old #memory #age #aging

In Memories II

JAC Jun 2017

In Memories II

(A poem over a few thousand miles)
by JAC and JAB

We never age in memories,
But in stories, we do.
Our words mature with us,
So our stories do too.

Our days grow older
And our pages unfold,
Until we become the author
*Living a story untold.

Italics by JAB.

#memories #young #old #stories #youth #age #mature #author #untold #older

In Streetlights Through Car Windows

JAC May 2018

In Streetlights Through Car Windows

The ghost of your hand
held mine as I walked home tonight
I saw you smile on the street twice
but it was just streetlights
through car windows

the humid air tasted like your exhale
and every person I passed
must be using the same
detergent you used

the way home
was sad.

Instructions for 5:49 a.m.

JAC Jul 2017

Instructions for 5:49 a.m.

Eyes open
                             Mild panic
                   Look around
(Quiet)
Realize
            Pause
   Process
                            (Quiet)
(Quiet)
       (Quiet)
Glow-in-the-dark stars
                                      None to speak of
(Quiet)
        (Quiet)
                           (Quiet)
        Conclude
Roll out of bed
                                           Careful not to wake you
(Quiet)
Locate shirt
        Pull on jeans
                                (Quiet)
Still dark
     You like dark
                                                (Quiet)
               Phone
   Keys
Wallet
Headphones
(Quiet)
Stand
                Hand on door
Wait
Look
       Still asleep
                 (Quiet)
Paper from your notebook
                                  Pen from nightstand
Calligraphy pen
           Didn't know that
(Quiet)
                  You wrote down a dream last night
                                       "Dreamed I was safe, happy, in love"
Says sleepy cursive
                     (Quiet)
          (Quiet)
(Quiet)
Write below
                       "So did I"
              (Quiet)
Back to door
                      Don't look back
Don't look back
              Don't look back
(Quiet)
                                   Look back
           (Quiet)
                      (Quiet)
(Quiet)
            Open door
                  Escape
            (Quiet)
                          Through your hall
(Quiet)
Messy kitchen
Don't remember seeing this
                 Must have been dark
(Quiet)
Shoes must have been kicked off
                                                     Found them
                                       Close front door
                   Still dark outside
(Quiet)
(Quiet)
        (Quiet)
Too early for train
                   Too far to walk
(Quiet)
   (Quiet)
(Quiet)
Smile guiltily
               (Quiet)
       (Quiet)
*(Quiet).

Essentially a continuation of the previous poem,
"An Appalling Lack of Glow-in-the-Dark Stars".

In Summer Fields

JAC Dec 2019

In Summer Fields

For a time I wrote poems on the subway
my eyes were bright and green

I grinned and spoke in crystal tongue
and wrote what little I'd seen

I didn't see what I thought I saw
as the seed sees not the ground

but perennials in summer fields
will watch the bloomers assume

that photos keep their colour
when instead they leave no room

for pictures on a dreaming wall
lifted out of you

now I sit writing poems on the subway
a duller shade of blue.

It feels like every time I come back here it's been a long time. I get excited when I receive an email saying someone enjoyed something I wrote, and it makes me wish I wrote more. This is a poem about just that.

In the Heat of Summer

JAC Aug 2018

In the Heat of Summer

We melted ice cream
in the golden afternoon
burning out at either end
young enough to enjoy it

we wasted away the summer
exhausting ourselves in the sun
easily friends forever
until forever was done.

#nostalgia #memories #friends #summer #young #youth #forever

In the Morning

JAC Oct 2017

In the Morning

I'm in love
with the morning
if I wake up
with you,

but

in love
with you
if I wake up
in the morning.

In Your Language

JAC Sep 2017

In Your Language

"Tell me
you love me
in your language,"
they said.

I stayed quiet.

I Remember Humid Rain

JAC Jul 2018

I Remember Humid Rain

That night we fell asleep
to the sound of soft thunder
and the crash of quiet droplets
on the sheet metal porch

sheets wrapped us up in each other
and blankets held me to you
over the rain I breathed in your hair
over your breathing I held in my heart

you smelled the colour of your toothpaste
your laundry detergent and soap
dissolved me, slipping through my senses
as we stumbled between now and dreams

my arm laced gently through your t-shirt
the grey one you always wore to bed
while your fingers traced a silent code
in the ringlets above my ear

we should grow old together
you spoke with half words through the pillow
let's I mumbled or was certain I'd said
and I'd have smiled if my lips were awake

it's the night I tell you about
every time you ask me to detail
a night I distinctly remember

I don't have the heart to tell you
it's a night I'm beginning to forget

let's I mumbled with a sleepy grin
and you whispered oh, we did.

It Began At Your Feet

JAC Mar 2018

It Began At Your Feet

Now the water
is at your knees.

It Seems Begging You to Care Was Too Much For You

JAC Jul 2020

It Seems Begging You to Care Was Too Much For You

How do we
show you that
this is not
something we
want to be
fighting for
'til we pass
torches to
children who
just begin
fighting where
we left off?

A little on the note, but it probably isn't the time for subtext anyway.
Black lives matter.

#show #tell #fight #rise #strong #strength #children