9 months have passed and I still feel small
I threw away everything, photos and all
I felt empty for months, angry this fall,
but now I'd give anything to be your next call.

Your tactics were perfect, like beautiful seas
I was so eager to let you control me
Because surrendering felt like ectasy
And your grip around my neck had warming properties

I tried to turn this anger into art
oh, god did I pray for one stroke of beauty
I was blinded by fog and the nausea consumed me
I fell to my knees looking for a single way to make sense of this hate
I don't remember how to channel my energy, the kind that just drains me
Into something healthy, something beautiful, something colorful
I just know that I'm struggling to stay above water
The tide comes in aggresively, and I am looking for a fight
I start arguments with the mirror to distract myself long enough not to collapse
Because I remember you're not coming back,
You're never coming back


*******.

rejoice in wine
that you sweat out
while singing songs
out of tune with best friends
on unusually warm February nights
rejoice in the feeling of feeling alright
for once in a while
rejoice in laughter
that hurts after an hour
but you're finally smiling
about how much you love your friends
rejoice in solace
that you find in the strangest places
like the floor of your old dorm room
or the bottom of a bottle of moscato
you don't remember finishing but have videos of
rejoice in love
because you don't need a single other person
in bed, that way, to feel the same glow in your soul
rejoice in knowing that you're okay
rejoice in that concert hall when you lost it all
in your favorite song
you realized there you hadn't quite lost everything yet
rejoice in knowing what you've got left,
and love it

Cold tap water, colder shoulders
are you mad or still waking up?
When is the last time you slept through the night?
or better yet, spent the whole night inside?
What are you looking for out in the street anyway?
This road's been a dead end since the first time
you let the liquid sugar hit your veins harder than your lips,
and instead of sips now you indulge every day just to get by,
but I still don't get why you let yourself get that bad.
You forgot about the daughter, mother, friends you had,
didn't you?

We didn't forget about you,
the sugar still turns you white,
even in your casket I can smell the apologies as I bend over for
one last goodbye,
I refuse to watch a family breakfast crumble
at the hands of ****** again,
I refuse to let a substance win,
like it did with you.

Dear you,
Why do you do this at the worst times?
You know I have deadlines and a social life,
you know I made a schedule and was supposed to be on time.

How could you be so selfish,
making me stay in bed all day but then make my heart race as I knew I was late for everything I was to do before you convinced me to stay and rot?

You,
why won't you let me shower?
Why are you standing in front of the mirror telling me things that would shatter someone else but I have grown used to?
Where did you come from and how do I get rid of you?
I miss who I was before you came here every morning and sat on my chest until I stopped trying to fight it at all.

To you:
I'm sick of this.
It's been three days and you haven't let me eat but once I do you won't let me stop.
Will you ******* let me sleep already? I know you have a lot to say but today I cannot handle staying up and reading old prose I wrote when I was happy,
before you came back.

To you,
where did you go all this time and where did you stay?
Can you leave again and take with you the toxic habits you brought back?
Do you quench your thirst with wine because I never craved it until you came around again and now I cannot get the taste out of my mouth,
but what is worse is how I need that fuzzy feeling to feel okay
and I think that is your fault

You,
What is your goal and when do you plan on stopping?
because I'm tired.
I have used up all of my excuses and hurt everyone I love with my inability to muster up strength to ask for help but instead lash out at those who love me
or loved me

You,
you ruin relationships for me
no one wants to love me when you hang on my shoulders and deter people from seeing who I am when I stand up straight
it is for that that I hate you and I hope you know that you are not welcome,
I do not let you in thinking you have changed
but instead I let you in because I have not.
I lay here and rot and let you do this to me because it is the only consistent thing in my life
you are the only thing that keeps fighting for me once I've tried to push you away over and over

do you think that makes us good for each other?
I had a boyfriend who I left so many times and one day
he stopped coming back
I wish you'd do that.
Maybe then I could step forward instead of fall back.

Can you go the **** away?
I miss my friends
I miss the day, conquering it before noon and being able to say I beat you,
that I left you.
Instead you leave me for dead with mascara on my fingers from rubbing tired eyes 56 times in the last hour wondering when things will get better and if they would if I just stopped pretending like they already were
I hate sleeping until noon because you make waking up any earlier feel like a death sentence.
I hate you for making death look so beautiful and peaceful when you know **** well there are things on earth death will never touch
like those feelings you took from me too
untangible, but not untakeable
you made sure I knew you had the ability to steal them from me and
that I would not feel anything if you did not think it was okay
is this okay with you?

I'm so sick of you

I can't say that now and I'm writing this from the bed I haven't left in 3 days so how can I get strong enough to leave you?
won't you please,
just go away.

I used to think that
what I saw when I looked into your eyes,
was the galaxy.
They were vast and dark and seemingly endless,
but they are not a home for me.

What I have learned is that
I was not seeing the sun and moon and stars,
I was seeing the boundaries that contained them,
and seeing limits and edges,
hard and abrupt.
I was not seeing expansion.
I was not seeing love.

Perhaps I was discovering what it means
to see the world through someone else's eyes.
And in someone else's eyes.

But in yours, I thought I saw constellations when
in fact I saw only recollections

They say when you see a star you're seeing the light from something that died thousands of years ago.
Perhaps it is the same for old lovers.
Maybe it was the same for you and me.
I vow I will never see the stars again in the eyes of a partnet,
but instead see things in which the life is still intact and in which I am not clinging on to something forever retracting.

I will see flowers,
trees,
weeds even,
life that may flourish and wither,
but at least I can nourish them back.

We as humans have yet to scrape the edge of the universe,
and that used to scare me.
I used to find comfort in knowing I was a part of yours,
Comfort came to me knowing I was safe in the world you built for me,
but I take it back.

The next person whose eyes I fall in love with might hold stars
they might sparkle and expand,
but they will not be my universe
when there is one inside me I have yet to dive into
when there is so much more for me to see myself
without your limits or your help

You broke my ribs
And bruised my lungs
When you left without warning
I hated you for burying me
Under the weight of your problems
While shaping mine into small white pills
And turning a blind eye when I choked

I spent a year alone
Because hate has a radius
No one can withstand
Or bear to be around for too long
And I could not lift it off my chest
I did my best to let go of the anger
Blisters scarred my trekking feet
I hated you for burying me
I could not see the poison of my ways
Until I hated you so much that  I hated me

Remind me* what warm, sandy days in early July are like when the creases in my mattress make their mark on my skin so deep I forget how to stand up straight on my own. Remind me what 72 degrees at 50 miles per hour in my hair feels like when the shades will not open themselves and the piles of ***** dishes and wrinkled clothing have created their own escape route from my bedroom. Remind me what holding hands with someone who would rather hold your soul feels like when I crave human touch but shut out everyone that comes within a mile of my heart because I'm just so scared to break again. Remind me what hot chamomile tea on a dewey August morning tastes and smells like when I am buried in pillows and have my eyes glued to the computer screen because they're too tired to search for anything beautiful; they couldn't stand to see something beautiful anyway, because they'd deliver the message to their owner that what they see is that which she is not. Remind me what laughter, on a trampoline, at 2 in the morning, that makes my stomach hurt feels like when the nostalgia sinks deep into my skin and draws blood, and I feel as though things won't ever be as golden as they once were. So please, remind me that better days lie ahead. Remind me how it feels to work for something, to put your heart and soul into a work of art when I feel like my insides have collapsed because trial and error is my only experience with love and error seems to have ******* all hope. Remind me that it isn't me who is broken, that it is the world who needs my love and remind me that if I would stop giving up, that I could feel all of these things again. Remind me to get up and try, and try, and try again. Even when the white walls hurt my eyes and the blanket clings to my skin, remind me what it feels like to live. And don't let me lose that feeling again.

I did something wrong
this day, last fall
The October wind took my breath away
I did something *****
this night, last fall
The autumn leaves swept my confidence away
The flickering memories still disturb my somber sleep from time to time

I did something brave
this spring, 6 months ago
March carved out the pieces I let cement in the cold
I did something bold
this spring, 6 months ago
I got up and left, chains still digging at my ankles


But I left,
I did a lot of things wrong,
I have the scars to prove how hard I held on.
But I left,
I did something right.

Talk all day
Type our fingers sore
Refresh, refresh
We beg for more attention than we get
We share so much that
We know everything about each other
Our thumbs are raw
You can see the bones
I typed you novels
You called my phone
We talk all day
We don't take breaks
So why don't you know
I'm not okay?
Why can't you look me in the eye?
If we talk all day why can't I talk to you in real life?

*******,
so angry I could collapse on the floor
but I swore this year I would stop
passing out when I feel like lashing out
so *******
for nailing my feet to the tile floor
and turning on the sink on your way out the door,
I am drowning in your mess
and have to swim with wounds on my feet
so *******
for doing this while telling me you love me
and pouring salt on open cuts
and making sure you had enough air to breathe
while I struggle to make ends meet
so *******
for doing this to me and
for draining me of the energy that it takes
to collect myself and hold it in and not scream
*******

I've found the strongest poems to be the product of
a purge of emotions that reign so ******* the heart that they
pull at the fingers, draining energy from the tips
as every word falls onto the paper,
relentlessly.

I've felt the hollow shatter of a thousand nights of heartbreak,
the kind that only poetry can seem to glue back together
even if temporarily.
The words on the page, unfiltered
broadcast thoughts of late summer days and first loves,
first losses,
our wrists ache with rememberence as our hearts empty out.

We lose what we thought we still held to our souls
as the sentences unfold and we are finally able to articulate
what it means to be without,
what it means to be empty.
Those lines are but udnerstanding, full of compassion that we have still, hidden away in our hearts for the day they start beating again.


Why are the richest of poems products of the poorest of days,
and why can I write nothing anymore
as my heart feels full, for once, again?

Tired.
Exhaustion,
the kind of fatigue you don't counteract
with behind-the-counter medications
because it lives behind your eyes but
not quite inside your brain,
the kind that makes you feel insane
just for acknowledging it's there.
It's quiet in the day but wrattles constantly,
reminding you, you're the only one to hear it.
Tired.
The kind that misses sleeping in,
but 13 hours of sleep is never enough
to fill in gaps or bags under eyes,
so you just lie in bed and think about
how tired you've become,
and how you've forgotten
how it feels to be refreshed.
Tired.
The kind of tired that inhibits you from moving
your mind races and your body is glued to the bed,
it's 3am now and you've finally stopped pacing in your head.
Tired.
your eyes stop moving around 6am
when you crawl into bed,
you are so drained,
nothing could keep you up now
you block out cars horns,
you ignore thoughts that knock on your door,
and rustle in your blinds,
and drown your fatigued mind,
begging for a place inside your bed,
you are so tired.
you are on sheets,
you haven't washed in weeks,
stuck without a destination
for your mind.
stuck, the sun just rose,
so you are
**** out of luck.

tied down by chains
I welded myself
steel pricking into my irritated wrists
I am no martyr
I die for nothing
this is all I have to give
my own personal prison
I maintain the walls
I let this happen
I love the fall

I have had dreams for 3 nights in a row where I am strong like ocean currents, I am amber rose sunsets, I am graceful, I am outspoken drunk girl in bar but I have not had a drink; I have swallowed everything else until now, in these dreams where I am strong. In these dreams that I have had for 3 nights in a row, you are wrong and Justice is my sneaker on your throat, it is your apology dripping venom off your tongue, it is you asking for my mercy instead of me asking you to stop over and over. In these dreams, I am telling you what you did to me in front of a  room of people that you love, instead of a room full of people that I love asking me how I even got into this situation. In these dreams, I am crushing your words in my hand and planting flowers with the dirt and dust I took out of my throat. I give them as an apology to my partner for the year we spent trying to put me back together and it only kind of working.  In these dreams I am already healed, as a past participle and as a present state, I am not fearful that I will not ever change the way I walk in the street, I can go on my old campus without forgetting how to breathe, I can do anything, really. In these dreams, for 3 nights I have been the kind of strong that other women who have had this happen to them look to for strength, I have rooted my forgiveness deep in my chest where resentment used to lay. In these dreams I am a woman I love who does not blame herself. In these dreams I am hurting you and you cannot speak. I swallow the irony. I am outspoken and loudly tell the world our story- and every time you beg or plead or say “no” I tell it again so they can hear me. In my dreams people finally hear me. I have been sleeping in.

What we do in June
as the days stretch into sunsets,
gold stains our ***** skin,

What we do in June
as nights fill the shells that winter shaped,
we become reborn in the lake down the hill,
until we are ready to confess the secrets we will hide all summer,

What we do in June,
after laughter and drinks,
probably a few too many,
is create stories that some day we will lose,

and have to try to recreate in a series of words that
don't come close to the fun we had,
every night,
laughing until we ached,
thanking God for every day we have here,
where dirt gets under our nails and
our hair never had the time to dry in between
the pools we hopped,

What we do in June
is thaw
from a cold winter,
and warm our frozen bones,
and begin once again,
with a life full of things worth writing about,

What we do in June,
love, ***, trees, drugs,
our memories will fade,
but softly like the sunset into that one lake
where we all lost our virginities.

What we do in June is ours to keep,
it's ours to make

I forced myself to stop loving you
Because holding on was suffocating
Urban ivy, forgiving fists
I forced myself to stop loving you
Until it worked,
until I hated you in every way I never wanted to

It is hard to imagine
Seeing a whole person
When the mirror shattered
And left shards in the same shape
As the scars on my arms
That divide me into two people.
one I wish I could escape
one who refuses to give way
To anything other than
Depreciation
Unwelcomed recollection
On times of skin fairer, clearer, kinder

I want to permeate your mind
figure out what keeps you up at night
I want to sink into your skin
and find the things that keep you burning
I want to pick apart your brain
and understand your reason for living

I thought my curiousity for the soul of another had died
I thought I would never crave to see someone's insides again
But you are different
You are new
You are you and
I want to know every single bit,
please let me through

low hum, cold rain
i take three extra pills to focus on anything
but you
and how i was so proud to show you off
i put you up on a shelf
made sure you never got *****,
i was so proud to call you mine,
to have something of my own
that i forgot to lock the door to my own home
and let everybody in,
and they took everything
i was so scatter brained with you
trying to make you happy
planning my next move,
i never paid attention to my own pieces
and now they're broken
and i don't even have the energy to put them back together
i was so proud to call you mine
when you barely knew you were half the time

build a bridge
so others can walk to you
and you won't drown no more
in waters that swallowed you before
so others may reach out their hands
and so that they may save themselves
build a bridge so you find help
no one can heal you
if they are tired from swimming upstream to

you cannot twist
the bones
in my protruding spine
to get me to dance
anymore

you cannot turn me
on
or off
with your ***** hands
anymore

and leave me on the floor
when you are finished
when you get bored
anymore

I am not your toy
anymore

By the time we met,
I had already kissed 3 boys,
And had my heart broken by one.

I had already given up on love.
I was 16.

When we started dating,
I had only known you for a month,
But you captivated me already.

For 144 weeks, I thought you were mine,
I figured it was for life.
You said it so many times and you’d never lie,
Right?

I had already forgiven you 36 times
By the time you started lying just to see what I’d believe.

The way you cradled me was uncompared to anything,
You convinced me everything else was too rough,
Too scary.

But I didn’t even feel like trying
I had already found true love, after all,
Even if it hurt me.

12 months in out of the 32 we spent together,
You had already broken me 76 times,
Those words still haunt my head,

My bed is empty,
You left me,
Already ready to forget me.

At 17 you said you had already found true love.


Well what the ****?
Wasn’t I done looking for pity already?
Weren’t those things on my arm healed already?
Wasn’t my story over already? You’d heard it already
I shoved my fingers down my throat just to purge up a “sorry”
I never stopped talking and
You’d already asked me to hurry.
Wasn’t I over it already?

But you loved me, I already knew that.

You masked insults with recurring phrases
Thought up already so you were ready to make me sorry about what you said

It was a joke! You already told me not to take it seriously.
Why was I so sensitive?
Wasn’t I over it, already?

I don’t remember when things got bad,
Or ever having the ability to recognize that
Because with you I’d swallowed enough pride to drown myself
From the inside out,
But you were always so forgiving.

I found myself lost,
Apologizing for feelings
You swore I made up but I could not create if I tried.
You said you loved me.

But your tides pulled me by the ankles.
I’d taken swimming lessons already,

But they don’t teach you how to swim when you fall in love with drowning.

So I tried,
To stay afloat in rough waters
I’d already drowned in, over and over again,
I’d tread for show so you could never see,
But I’m drowning again,
Already.


Already? You moved on,
In 19 days, for 3 years that are already gone.
Already, you filled the void we created ourselves,
With white noise because how the hell
Could you make the choice
To replace me for good already?
In the years you spent convincing me to stay afloat,
You made sure I knew I needed you to do so.

I can’t bring myself to throw out your old clothes,
The ones that have piled up 3 feet
In 19 days
Already.

I sat and counted the ways you made me want to die on my hands,
And I tried to justify that by balancing it with the times you made me feel alive,

But I stopped because 6 months in out of 32,
I’d already used all 10 fingers.

Tell me if you do the same for her.

Already, you are happy
And smiling again
You float above waters
I’m drowning in
But man, am I happy
You’re ready to begin again.
Already?
With someone else
As I struggle to heal myself,
Losing color as I stop myself from begging for your help

You’d throw me a line
If you got praise for it,
Or pull me in just to have me in your reach again.

I know I need to do it already,
Everyone on shore assures me
I deserve more.
But I’m still short of breath.

Look at you though,
Already free and happy.
Already?

You are shaping waves, ruthless,
Crashing tides to keep your name
The one I remember when I say in vain
I’d already found true love at 16

I guess I'm just tired
I spent all this time
Thinking I was healing
But In fact I was concealing
The fact that I still in love you
And even one year later when you sent me
An empty  apology that projected more blame on me, I accepted it and took the blame and used it to cool my burning body
And I have been hiding behind anger
Masked by nicotine and kerosene
To make myself believe
You aren't the person I thought I'd marry
And that forgiving you didn't destroy me

love is not patient
love is not kind

love is leaving
the very first time
he puts his hands on you
in a way other than to
worship the skin
that fosters your soul
love is knowing
you are worth more

I ran out of things to write about the same day I ran out of almond milk, and I thought, well man, now I'm ******.
My cereal was dry and my hands were shaking as I tried to put into words how you made me feel dead for three years but how I thought that was living. My cereal was dry and I tried to make sense of all the ways you stole from my bounty and painted me as a thief. My cereal was dry and I still blamed myself for you leaving.

People ask me what went wrong,
And I can't tell them because I don't know.
One day I was crying because you weren't next to me, the day before you told me I was the reason you were falling apart so I spent 6 months trying to put you back together and the last three sitting in my kitchen eating lucky charms out of the box with my hands and trying to piece back together what you left, my cereal was dry and I still don't know quite where we went wrong. But oh,god am I sick of answering when people ask if you ever hit me.

You didn't have to.
Your condescending attitude left bruises I still ice on nights when I wish you had hit me instead. At least those wounds heal and don't resurface every time I hear one of the thousands of songs we listened to in three years.

I lost my whole music library when I lost you and someone once told me that the love of your life comes after the mistake of your life but never told me how to heal from the former or what to do when you realize they never had to.

My cereal was dry and I've been sitting here for 10 months now wondering what to say to people when they ask what happened. I didn't know back then and I fear I never will. My cereal is dry and I'm just sitting still.

Night shifts are quiet
my mind is loud
it screams things at me
from all around the building
like how you left
and how you did it easily
how you walked away
without thinking of me
I swept and mopped
a hundred times
to clear the floor
of the stains left behind
I tried the same with my brain
and ended up jaded
saying your name
I wonder when this will subside
the rush in my veins every time
I see you come inside
just for a coffee
a quick pick-me-up
that's all I was, too,
you filled up your cup,
extra sugar to mask the taste
now I'm just stuck

What I want in a lover
Is the excitement of a theme park
The calm of chamomile
The pain of a splinter
Reassurance of a nurse who can heal.
What I want in a lover is the
Crowd in my heart
When the chorus of a song comes on
I know from the start.
What I want in a lover
Is not money, clothes, a name,
But the incomparable solace
Of knowing I'm loved the same

I'm b r e a t h i n g for the first time
Alive, what a surprise
The trees sing to me, I bask in their glory
I'm a piece of the universe, the universe is in me

I feel her when I'm b r e a t h i n g

The Spring this year was cloudy,
Darkness ******* my sunlight
Many mornings were stormy
and bitter were most nights

That was until I met you.

I met you in July
and then the heat stopped burning
I met you by accident
and then I suddenly stopped hurting.

I'm so happy to have met you.

The energy you give delivers light
You make my heart feel light again,
It bounces every morning,
waiting just to see your grin
You make me want to shine again
and I can't thank you enough for that.

Please stay for a while,
It's been a long time since I've shined so bright.
I might not dull out again with you in my hand.

Lost so much last year
that this one is blank
and for that, I am thankful
Regrets no longer hold my hand
and walk me across the street
for I have learned through my pain
to use my own two feet
here's to a year of resillience
of thought and humility,
brilliance.


What will you do?

I still try to replicate
that tingle in my skin
I got each and every time we'd kiss
and how I never, ever felt it with another
and now I'm scared I simply can't
and that you ****** the magic right out of my lips
and that every man now will live in a shadow
of something that no longer exists
and it scares me, still
after all this time,
to want you back
to call you mine

Why'd you have to
Show up on my comedown
And ask if you could hang around
Like old times, 4 years ago, flew somehow
Who was I then? Who are you now?
Why'd you have to
Show up on my uprising
And act so very surprised
To learn I was giving goodbyes
Did you think I'd wait forever?
Losing you was an endeavor I could not
Heal from, instead I had to run
And why did you have to ask me if
I was happy? Or if I was having fun?
Please don't pull me back
I've no time for your conundrums
Why'd you have to change for the good
Second guess the way I'm dodging you in this state I fell in and out of love in
All In a year
Why'd you have to come back here?
I felt so ******* strong

I wish I could scrub my veins clean
of the tar and memories
I would scrape the sides clear
of everything you whispered in my ear
all lies, cliche
I hate feeling this way

I don't miss ******* on your brothers bed, sweating on plastic wrapped mattresses,
Or hitting my head on the frame,
Hearing my name when you came,
Or laughing about getting caught too many times to count,
I don't miss wasting away on your couch, watching Game Show Network and eating takeout,
Or making out after fighting,
Or turning out the lights in the house to sneak by the rest of the family after ***,
I don't miss it but I digress

a book with ripped pages
a recipe without spice
*** without love is hardly enticing
because you don't feel the emotion pour onto your skin
with every breath and he doesn't laugh with you when you
crash heads, he might call your name but it doesn't shake your bones
knowing that he loves you for everything you aren't;
*** without love is empty,
pleasing, merely, but empty,
it's an impulse move to fill the void
you deny is even there.
You faked your happiness for a year,
and now your ******* on a strangers couch
because you're afraid to admit you don't like *** without love,
you're independent now and it's all you speak of
so you don't need that kind of connection that warms bellies
and chills skin, you just need a strangers bed to sleep in,
right?

Until you can't sleep at night because you know that *** when you aren't in love is an act, one that will never bring the feeling of sharing yourself with someone you love back.

Falling in half love
With everyone I meet,
Scared to go in past my feet.
Afraid to open up
Hesitate to divulge the feelings
That hang as painful cliches
But hurt just the same
as if they were open wounds
I still wonder what healing is like for you.

Or if you even had to.

I talked about you
like you shaped mountains
as if you had the power to reconstruct
centuries of settled sediment
into something I would lose my breath trying to climb
I spoke about you,
I swore you put the stars in the sky
just for me
but took them as my eyes adjusted to the dark
and I could finally see.
I talked about you
like you were the milk in my morning tea:
just enough to keep it warm
but not hot enough to burn me,
as if you never hurt me,
it's funny.
how I talked about you
like you would move mountains for me,
or build me a galaxy.
I used to love tea,
and now I drink coffee.

My second first love
won't be so rough,
well it might be
but it won't be so bitter.

My second first love
won't be so hard,
well it could be,
it is love after all,
but it won't be the same as before
where we fought about who hated themselves more

My second first love
won't be so hurtful
because it will be true
it will be kind, patient,
understanding and soft

My second first love won't be so hard to lose,
because it won't be with someone who leaves as they choose.

My second first love will be with myself.
before I ever offer my heart to someone else who could break it,
I want to make it hard, make sure it's reachable but not breakable.

My second first love won't be scary,
It won't be jealous or insecure.
I want to make sure I love myself harder than anything else,
so my third first love feels like nothing else has felt.

I must sound
Like a chocolate wrapper
Crumbled up with cliche intentions
But oh, the sun is so healing on Saturdays
The weekend's bounty fueled by her light
My glacierlungs start to melt
I feel alright
On the train
To see my best friend
Soaking it all in
Finally unbroken
75 degrees in February
Never felt so incredible
I don't feel terrible
Anymore
I must sound so redundant
But you would play the same song 100
Times a day if it made you feel alive,
Wouldn't you?

I could not tell you why
Or how
How many
Or when it starts
If it will end
But I can tell you one thing, dear friend
The aftermath is more detrimental than
Nuclear weapons at the hands of evil
Restrict, binge, repeat
The Devil himself spoon feeds my mind
Restrict, binge, repeat
Every time
Restrict, binge, repeat
It's a cycle that has swallowed me, too
I fear this will become my life
Or be there always
Haunting me to the grave
Restrict, binge, repeat

Suddenly it's 4am
I'm purging into my pillow again
I realize no one's come in since you left
Nor has anyone tried to

Suddenly the sun is rising
Bringing light to memories I hid
Under layers of makeup and laughter
Were months I pretended I was healed
And in that light I realize,
I never lost the feeling of what we had
Our days are faded images in my scrapbook mind, my attic stays dark and shady,
But early twilights in late August wipe clean the wool I've let cover them comfortably
Suddenly it's 4am
On the first day of the 6th month since you left
And I realize, I'm still there, acting like it was a theft,
And just like a crime, you'll do your time, but justice would be served, you'd come back

And suddenly,
I realize,
This is real life
And you aren't

Tell me what it’s like to fall out of love
So beautifully and with ease,
You walked away, me still on the street
And still managed to make it look like art,
Our love was never movie-like but the ending was,
Alone and grey on the pavement, begging for your patience
So I could prove to you one more time that I was worthy of being with
But you never wanted to hear it

Why is giving up so sweet to taste
like cold cream in strong brewed coffee,
I wish that same strength for me,
but instead the way the milk,
though bad for me I know,
mixes in like December's first snow,
leaves me in a trance,
I am frozen in the road,
the way ahead I will not go,
because I have never tasted happiness
and giving up is just too sweet