High school optimism
Auditorium curriculum
Pressed into our heads like wet clay
The world in front, nothing but green grass
Below us, what on earth could stop us?
Hearts beat like that time Jake put adderall in our Redbulls
We laughed it off, and talked about who
We wanted to be in 5 years
What we did not
Until the sun came up
Every body had a plan
and my chest filled with bees
I started to think about leaving
I walked 12 miles before I realized I was scared
I ended up at the beach
Sea foam etched mandalas in the sand
Like when I was 17 and thought I had a plan,
it made this wall as if to shield
The pebbles on the bank from drowning

I want to leave an imprint on the world
But still have wrinkles in my skin from
Laying in bed for months at a time
Exhaustion set in last year and never left
She's a thief and I'm a forgiving friend
I have a heart full of hot air balloons
And sparklers, flocks of birds fly toward the sea, rocks where my brain used to be
Weighing me down
I moved to the beach to get away
And now my lungs are filled with water

We joke now, in our adult days
About being kids, attached at the waist
How we would grow old n still be the same
I'm happy to say that nothing has changed
You have blessed me with a landing place
An inn, free of charge when I'm wavering
A laugh in the morn, a hug during the day
I'm happy to say that nothing has changed
Twelve years of friendship, 100 remain
The kind of love I don't go about in vain
Thank you for being the kind of love I don't fear losing
Twelve years and it is me you are still choosing
I owe you the world, so take what you need
To my best friend: I love you so deeply

I could not tell you why
Or how
How many
Or when it starts
If it will end
But I can tell you one thing, dear friend
The aftermath is more detrimental than
Nuclear weapons at the hands of evil
Restrict, binge, repeat
The Devil himself spoon feeds my mind
Restrict, binge, repeat
Every time
Restrict, binge, repeat
It's a cycle that has swallowed me, too
I fear this will become my life
Or be there always
Haunting me to the grave
Restrict, binge, repeat

Lie awake
Goodwill paintings
Cracked tea cups
Wet nose kisses
From your kitten
Smile big you made it
Bask in reality you feel it
Settling in your sodapop veins
Cotton candy cigarettes fill your lungs
You swung from playgrounds into motels
And I watched you dropping weight
Like a broken highschool vending machine
Taking time between each menthol drag to
Talk to God about missing Mom
I wonder if she misses you back
She left you a note in your art box
But it's been locked since that day
You'll open it some day
Some day

My mom is alive and well, I just am really high and these words came into my head

Isn't it something?
To place the churn
In your gut
Onto light blue lines
And bathroom walls?
Isn't it something?
To flip that nervous
Vomit onto a canvas
For passerbys to notice?
Isn't it something?
The way heartbreak
Claws open your ribs
One by one as if
She were tasting each
Slowly letting you bleed
And how the world could see
But far less often understand?
Unless you put it on a paper
With a pen and with your hand
Isn't it something?
The way words can mend the sores
She left the day before,
Or make them seem urgent at least
So there is less of you for the world to feast
Upon the vulnerability that you have become,
But it is words you leave
Eyes that see
That do the caring
The world may sit and read
For it is human to be hungry

There is no proof now

That you were ever here

Except for in my brain

Where it will not disappear

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