And I will romanticize the way we fell out of love until the day I die so that I may mourn in peace. I don’t want to know you as someone who violated my boundaries and called it care. I don’t want to know you as someone who stepped into my chest and destroyed everything in sight in the blink of an eye. Without even trying, really. I don’t want to know you as someone who robbed me of a year of life and gave me two years of flashbacks and rose memories and harrowing remembrance of what was- what was so powerful and encompassing and beautiful that when we split I knew nothing but emptiness. I don’t want to admit or accept that I allowed myself to be treated like that. So I will remember the way you hurt me but leave that part out when I talk about you. I will write about you in gold to give myself more time to forget what was underneath.
I don’t know exactly when I lost you. Somewhere in the middle of me Falling apart on a perfectly timed cycle And blaming my sadness on your apathy, I remember you told me you couldn’t handle it anymore. I don’t know when, I remember the way you walked out the door. And how when I chased after you, peeling paint cracked off where the handle was Before I started trusting you and started leaving the door open I remember when I gained you, Everything went silent When you told me you needed me I called your “I love you’s” filler words And you called me paranoid I remember hibiscus kisses, stumbling Over broken pavement outside my apartment Where we made love on the couch And I felt the blood in my veins Make its way to my heart And I finally felt that feeling I waited my entire life for I felt you and my favorite record playing And I thought that was what it was like to be alive And to be happy about it, for once And then you left and now I drive in silence Music makes me sick Six months after you left I learned what it meant when people Told me I had to get over it or it would **** me Because I tried to **** me and the pictures that flashed across my face As it started to fade, Were all of you
Tell me what it’s like to fall out of love So beautifully and with ease, You walked away, me still on the street And still managed to make it look like art, Our love was never movie-like but the ending was, Alone and grey on the pavement, begging for your patience So I could prove to you one more time that I was worthy of being with But you never wanted to hear it
Next week would have been our anniversary. Tomorrow marks 3 weeks since you’ve smiled at me, and 2 since we’ve laughed together. But next week would have been our anniversary, And just a month ago we were so happy. Isn’t it crazy?