we dance in puddles on the rooftops
in the rain of a typhoon, I wait
for our hopes and dreams to blow over
sundress soaked to my skin
you tell me I'm a pretty little thing
you can't see my sleeves and my soaked hair
still smells like the smoke of a loaded gun, gone
I traded in my needs for sticky promises
you traded in your career for a losing ticket
after everything is said and done
will you slay your demons for someone new?
please don't let me consume you while we dance
on the rooftops in the rain until feet bleed
and pockets of trapped blisters form
it's too late now, isn't it?
to whisper that I don't like dancing
while you remind me that I'm wrong
of course my eyes would dance for you
look at how beautiful I am when I spin and fall
new bruises form and I look so good in blue
so I twirl because it makes you smile like you do
though it isn't fair of me nor you
to keep silent skies grey and air muggy

the vines began to creep up
we didn’t know when they first started growing
little green buds buried deep below
I tamped them down with my feet
like weeds, they'd regrow stronger
they tied themselves around my ankles
robust enough to immobilize
converting my legs into a mess of thorns and trunks
my body paralyzed at the centre
the branches took the longest to grow
when the first one shot through
I thought I'd be upset, but felt only relief
the black flecks of my eyes became the dead of winter
not a single leaf could ever grow on these limbs
but as the roots thickened, I began to forget
what it felt like to ever walk or speak or love
I knew thirst and hunger, the need to grow
taking no comfort in feeling rooted
but not remembering how to move, either
drowned in my own thicket
I needed to be felled to bud anew

your spark was so deep, intense and warm
you defied the gods and gave me your fire
I had wandered through frozen wilderness
couldn't remember feeling heat against ice heart
I melted, held to your words and arms
didn't even consider that I could get hurt
your body gets used to always feeling cold
but the fire restored feeling in every finger tip
skin against skin where you healed my frostbite
so of course, when you left and the cold set in again
I felt the sharp curse of a million needles piercing me

your spark was so deep, intense and warm
that I never noticed when everything burned down
creating another frozen wasteland to navigate
the difference is now I remember that fire exists
even if I don't have a paper map to find you
or enough dry wood to hold a flame of my own
with the memory of you, I can recreate a fire
for the next person who has lost their light or spark

you passed the joint over to me
I looked at your lips
as the smoke rolled over them
like a spirit chased out of your body

I took a drag and passed it around
we stared at him with eager eyes
for the next clue to win the game
it was getting late and I felt drunk
with happy exhaustion when
your friend whispered "plantagenet"
"what?" we asked
"the clue is... plantagenet" he said again, sternly

our eyes connected
I looked at you, then at him
then back to you
for the briefest moment
before we both started laughing
full belly laughs
and at that moment
you were lovely
of course, we lost that game
but only sort of

I wanted a clean break
so I compartmentalized
my friends     and      his

I didn't fight for you
but I should've

we had picked out your
birthday gift together
I never made the party
the gift was a reminder
of our failure as a couple
it's not a good excuse
but it's the one I have
I put my own feelings of shame
over our friendship
because that was simpler

the truth is, I was scared, too
I've never told anyone that

I'd watch your soccer games
you would run across the field
your body athletic and agile
tall and capable in ways I could
only wish I had been
and I was scared to see you weak

I'll never forget your last media post
two hours before you died
about how you couldn't stop coughing

I regret the birthday gift
you never got to open

ten years ago, you sat next to me
propped against a wall on my bed
strumming each string
of my red electric guitar
tuning the cords, slowly, gently
too embarrassed to play a song
you were going to be a lawyer
I was going to be a journalist
we both had high hopes then

our usual food order was tater tots
with extra (extra!) sauce and
pad thai in a box which we'd swap
back and forth in between sips
of whiskey from your metal flask
sitting on the curb of the parking lot
late at night after everything closed
both exhausted from work

you brought me a cd in the hospital
I listened to it a hundred times
I know all the lyrics to every song on it
even a decade later
the music is still ours, you know
we gift each other mix tapes
you always include a song
by my favorite band (thank you)
I couldn't make you just one playlist
because all music reminds me of you

our conversations flow easy
we bounce back and forth
teasing, joking, talking openly
you always make me laugh
and I don't tell you this enough
but I love you and our friendship
even when we go months
without ever talking to each other
what we have is beautiful and
so important to me, I cherish it every day

you've been so careful to handle me
with precision to the point of omission
a delicate disregard for my existence
retreated when faced with resistance
your persistence was consistent
that our love would go the distance
but I wasn't heard or understood
caught up in a life of could and should
never thinking of what I wanted
what I had been wanting all this time
and it's daunting and exhausting
to know you didn't see me
but the key to unlock the person I am
has felt crammed in this sham
of fragility fragmented to falter
I am not made for you, I want to scream
complacent in your life as a team
in between this bad dream
of ruined self-esteem, I miss
the spark of connection with lovers
feeling affection under the covers
kisses that feel like fire with desire
burning through my entire being
so break what you're protecting
stop deflecting and objecting
time to stop redirecting my reflecting
and start reconnecting with yourself

I'm subtle like an atomic bomb
keep my words laid back and calm
my heart is a glass grenade
feel it crack when my love fades
but still, I stayed
but still, I stayed in this charade
and built around a barricade

you know I'd rather talk this out
spent a decade to you devout
by your side through the drought
so quiet we would never shout
but still, I doubt
but still, I doubt the chosen route
and if I'd prefer to go without

(your tongue a jacketed hollow point
we've never gone to bed angry...
but regret, guilt, and empty sadness
is a fragile yet different parallel)

(I suspect my veins course with
plutonium and uranium...
I leak radioactive decay,
my half-life disintegrating)

there's a stillness when I explode
for a moment, time is slowed
you're in disbelief that I'd reload
the same feelings, the same road
but still, I bowed
but still, I bowed to your code
and stayed despite what you showed

my atoms begin anew to divide
no longer stable, can I abide
I feel a part of me has died
when to leave, I must decide
but still, I cried
but still, I cried by your side
until the day I walked out in stride

(your love is a weapon
I've been held at gunpoint for so long...
I never wanted to hurt you
but I can't keep hurting myself, either)

I kept giving away
tiny pieces of myself

until there was nothing left

I don't want a forever love
I want a love that keeps me up
makes my fingers and toes tingle
love that fills me from my lips
through my spine and into my heart
I want wild love from a gentle soul
who understands how to feed
my mind and my body with poetry
words whispered for me alone
through fingertips and tongues
a lover whose tenderness heals scars
whose kindness is contagious
and whose passion is inspirational

I used to live near water
spent summers on the island
in cottages near the eastern ocean
I picked sand dollars and saw whales
back then I didn't realize
what force the ocean holds
that it will drown you just as quickly
as it will carry you home
I would rather die than hold my breath
dive heart first and get carried away, lost
there's nothing on the shore I love
I ache to feel the water once more
playful waves hugging my skin
in the depths of the ocean, I find home

they say the gods grant you
a wish if you build a thousand
origami paper cranes
I have built a million of them
using the finest coloured paper
from stalks of bamboo written in ink
each flies with a wish I've made
hundreds with the same whisper
that you'll find me again someday
they say good things come to those
who spare the life of a spider
I've spared every spider I have ever seen
since I was six years old, I was careful
talked to them often, quietly
so they wouldn't be lonely like me
gave them droplets of water late at night
and asked them if they would help me
find you again some day, too
now, good luck visits me late at dusk
when I dream of your countenance
my reward is the sweetest night
bliss at the moonlight against your softness
though I wake, alone once more

every human being you love
is going to hurt you
every human being you love
is going to leave you

but sometimes, you will find a human
that will heal you, too

- written by Krista DelleFemine, 2018.
find her work here: https://hellopoetry.com/kdellefemine/

you giggle and tell me she likes me
as if I hadn't known all along
I knew from the moment she saw me
when her arms comforted me
and she hushed my crying soothingly
I know I can talk to her about literature
debate politics and human rights
laugh about science fiction or philosophy
and I remember her pink boy shorts
the ones that didn't cover anything
I can still smell the warm vanilla
that gathers on the edges of her neck
how soft her skin was under my fingers
but still, I doubt my ability to
make anyone happy (including myself)
so it's better for me to seem unattainable
because this way, I can't disappoint
her, or myself (or anyone else)
I pull away from the people who like me
it's just easier this way, I often think
I will become art work, beautiful
but best admired from 40 paces away

do you remember spending hours
in that old beat up car of yours
sharing fresh packs of gum
and old stories about love and loss
concerts we wouldn't see together
moments both shared and separate
and even now we laugh together
share a pint and share our scars
and I don't miss being that young
but when I look at you, I still see
the same person from a decade ago
and it's as though no time has passed
and we are both still teenagers
driving around way too late at night
you pressed your palm up against mine
comparing fingers and hands
I hoped you wouldn't see through
the red flush of my cheeks
so let's have one more pint
get sloppy drunk together
and compare the stars in our eyes

don't flatter yourself, love
you may have been the spark

but I'm the fire

I'm sick and my skin hurts, I said
you smiled at me, that coy side smile
and asked if my host was rejecting this body
... maybe it is.
thirty years is a long time to live in one shell
like a hermit crab, I've outgrown my home
this illness is my body's way of reminding me
that it's time to find something greater
move on, my skin whispers
... so I do.
I decide to become someone different
a new sleeve to hold my being
it's not as difficult as you might think
shapeshifting takes time and energy
but it can be a rewarding practice
soon I'll feel comfortable in my skin
once more

there's an awful emptiness
in relatable content
when hundreds of people all
experience the same
loneliness and pain
but no one can do anything
about it, so instead they just
laugh, a fake laugh, and say
"yeah, I know how you feel!"
as if commiserating will somehow
ease the pain when someone dies
or something in your heart goes askew
but if every awful experience is common then the norm is misery
which is not a norm I'm willing to accept
or maybe relatable is an adjective
for anything relevant to the human experience
in which case, every moment, every feeling, every instance
is relatable and therefore dreadfully unoriginal
so-- I propose we change the meaning of the word itself
allow it to become more, a warning to break free
a protest to rise up against
the normative and to seek the original
to become inspired and to connect with others
in unique and meaningful ways
join me in reclaiming what is relatable and instead
seeking what is new

my heart is wire and sinew
processing speeds and generated power
a motherboard that beats, beats, beats
you're a human, but baby,
I'm a machine

I'll keep powered until the day
my software is outdated
my ram slows down
the blue screen of death flickers
where I never reboot again

trade me in for a newer model
my feelings are connected to electricity
I've already processed my own abandonment
and have already grieved your absence
in a million different codes of binary

I remember your hands on my keys
you pushed all of my buttons
knew every function inside and out
you turned me on and kept me going
you are the spark that ran my code

but now, despite my own wishes
I'm made to keep running
I'll whirl and click and buzz and work
and for a moment, I nearly believed
that a machine could feel love

some days, the only thing I want
is someone to talk to again

starve a fever, feed a cold
which one am I, love?
feed me, starve me
love me, leave me
pleasing you, pleases me
pleasing you, feeds me

let me feed on your flesh
the area where neck and shoulders
meet my lips and teeth

carry the marks I sink to your skin
feel your skin sink into my teeth
the softest spots are the freckles
here, and here, and here
I long to taste them
linger salt in the corners

my smile against you
I remember that smile
when your warmth feeds my cold

when my voice lowers
the secret is yours to keep
that I unequivocally love you
and I am yours to love or leave
to feed or starve
please, let me please you

there is poetry and art and beauty
in a brief exchange of souls and scars
temporary friendships or
lovers who do not extend to infinity
just because it ends it does not mean
the experience is less valid or less real
I am grateful for every experience
the painful and sad moments, too
as they have all created me
as part of my becoming and existence
and they have taught me to appreciate
even more wholeheartedly
the joy others bring to my life

for all the love of life that is now lost
your voice rings through my mind like a warm song
regardless of sweet summers ending cost
creates poetry in my head ere long

our melting of minds and bodies now gone
but forgotten, your touch could never be
simple as the dusk which becomes the dawn
my love for you as pure, as it is free

I know you may not feel of me the same
perhaps never again will you be mine
and gone is the love that once easy came
perhaps your silence has become a sign

but my love for you will always ring true
and your love alone has carried me through

red torii gates separate the sacred
engraved with kana names
I step on the stone tiles
reinvent myself by praying
to every god I have never believed in
donating all the coins I have to shrines
the omamori will protect me
with pretty ribbons, silk, and wood
their birds guide to understanding
converting lies into truths before me
their paper songs a tender kindness
and there is courage within me
even as my voice turns to melody
my words spill out a tune
the temple walls hum
a chorus of veracity, louder
I have come to realize the importance
of moral authenticity within me
your gracious decency, divine
delicate gentleness with my fragility
from shattered pieces I rebuild
recollect myself and rise stronger
the sakura blossoms melt
the tide rises up the torii
compelled by a cold moon
wooden birds take flight away
and I return solid and true

listening to instrumental music alone
typing away at my mundane paper
cold, tired, depressed

this is my life
every day, I am lonely
I am alone

and someday I will die
this very same way
cold, tired, depressed, alone

but when I die
I do not wish you to think
I have always been like this

you made me happy
you made me feel whole
you warmed me up

let me nap nestled against you
thanks to you, I felt happiness
thanks to you, I was loved

I needed to hear these words today
and I thought,
maybe you need to hear them, too

sometimes you’ll put up a good fight
you will do everything right in life
and you will still lose
sometimes you’ll hold on really hard
and realize there is no choice
but to let go and walk away
this isn't failure, or weakness
this is part of being human
acceptance is a strength

you cannot convince anyone to love you
not your mother, nor partner, nor friends
those in your life will never give you love
just because you want them to give it
love can move freely
it ebbs and flows in every direction
and it graces people with it's presence
just as quickly as it leaves us bereft
and perhaps it's fleeting nature
makes it all the more beautiful
when people who love each other
connect

I think about time I've spent
moments in my life
watching ****** movies
eating bad food
working dead end job
after dead end job
staring at the blank wall
listening to ticking clocks
cheerfully counting down my demise
long walks I'd take at dusk
down the trails by the river
pretending I enjoy running
because the pounding of my heart
in my head made me feel alive
I'd think about life and death
and whether god exists
and whether love exists
about ***, philosophy, infinities
the hours I have spent writing
poetry and nonfiction
displaying myself for scrutiny
painting canvas that I hate
to make myself feel something
to hope it reaches someone
reading Nietzche and Foucault
as if my existence could matter
but along the way I found myself
and maybe all of these moments
have led up to something
consequential and meaningful
every moment is part of my journey
every experience is part of becoming
every hour has lead me to you
so not a single second
of my life has ever been wasted

no introductions required
I don't need to know your name
nor you, mine
I'm here to bind
your naked wrists together
behind your bare back
slender shoulders
skin spilling over rope
watch your bare chest hitch
shallow breaths
restricted by my tension
careful to avoid your *******
cross the pattern along ribs
observing the bruises along your neck
as I move your hair out of my way
I am busy working
observing patches of blue and black
on your sides and stomach
where he had his way with you
and I feel a pang of envy
somewhere deep in my stomach
because I wish anyone would want me
the way he wants you
but I'm here to learn
how to fold string
create red patterns
on your soft skin
hoping someday, someone
will want to be bound
the way you are now
mine for more than just the hour

Dear self,

Be brave enough to break your own heart.

You spent thirty minutes talking to your mother last night. She wasn't great to you growing up, and I know that. I think back about how she teased you for wearing long sleeve shirts over summer when you cut yourself. I think about the time she told you to **** yourself. I think about how she tried to cut out people from your life and still, to this day, doesn't know about some of your closest friends because you needed to protect them from her.

Do you realize how loud your unhappiness needs to scream for her to hear it? This may be the first time, in thirty years, that she listened to it. She took it seriously. She told you to go. That it would be okay. And she validated the thing you have known in the pit of your stomach and the bottom of your heart for years.

Go.

You aren't a bad person for leaving a situation that doesn't work for you. Leaving someone you love doesn't mean you never deserve love again. You aren't disgusting. You aren't a monster. You aren't being stupid. You aren't making a mistake. You have always told others that they don't need a reason to leave. You have always shown everyone else a kindness you could never show yourself.

Leave.

Just because you have everything others want doesn't mean it's what you want, or what you need. Right now, at this moment, this isn't good for you, and that's okay. You love him. He loves you. It was beautiful, and it was good. And ending this will destroy both of you in ways you won't even imagine right now. And no one will fix these holes inside of you. It takes courage to realize you need to rebuild yourself. It takes courage to become.

It takes courage to break your own heart. But just like the physical scars you've given yourself, the emotional ones will heal, too. And you will be okay. This is your permission to do what is right for you.

Love,

Yourself

I wait for the ground to reclaim me
organic tissue, clothing of cotton
biodegradable, degraded
metallic dirt with soot and wood
blood spills from my mouth
uncontrollable
I am injured and waiting
I gurgle through a deep reverie
where the ground swallows me whole

cold soil poured over flesh
artisanal grave keepers
bury me along the elms and oaks
and I become strong enough
to conquer my darkest self
to dig out of the night
and somehow, somewhere
find you with my last breath
in my final hour
to say the words I mean--
it is you
it has always been you
the answer
to the unasked question
the vision late at night
before my sweetest slumber
the craving when I don't know
what I want
has always been you

but I stare at the sky
feel cold, sticky blood
leave my body
and wait for the ground
to claim me

time is the true criminal
occupying spaces liminal
stealing me away in scraps
hours shared become a trap
changing bodies with seasons
wrinkles forming without reason
I see time when I look in the mirror
every day it draws itself nearer
the softness gone and replaced
features of youth now erased
I can't recognize the edges and lines
every new spot is another sign
the dark circles with blackened eyes
all the features I had memorized
gone, gone, gone
at the end of my dawn

poetry is masochism
seeing the cataclysm
both inside and around
and for every fresh wound
every word you've stabbed
poetry is picking at your scab
rather than letting it heal
watching how each layer peels
poetry is getting hurt
using your voice to assert
by showing your cuts
scars, bruises, guts
to everyone in the world
letting your emotions unfurl
poetry is being carved
feeding others when you're starved
being open and true
words for others to turn to
let them rip out your beauty
aesthetics becomes duty

the light in my heart flickered and died
a punishment for hubris to gods I've defied
the stars refused to shine in the sky
I saw the earth beneath me liquefy

the water as still as a painting hung
I felt blood and salt coat my lungs
every day I floated lifeless through
from friends and family, I withdrew

no wind, no air, world is empty and black
I begged that forces would take my life back
I waited for the powers to strike me down
crush me, smite me, watch me drown

the worst fate of all is that I remained
and try as I might, you kept me chained
you cut me open to watch me bleed
ignored all of my wants and needs

without wind in my sail, unable to leave
that's when I met him - my reprieve
whose tongue was made of platinum and lace
whose heart was filled with beauty and grace

a golden god who lit my heart ablaze
who showed me tenderness always
for him, I realize I must become better
for him, I write every single letter

because now my heart beats for his touch alone
his light is the one I still feel in my bones
I remember his voice saying he loved me like mad
I'd give up forever for the moments we had

tickle my sides with your teeth
your lips, your words underneath
my skin and through my veins
your memory always in my brain
it's all that will someday remain
I think of you to ease my pain
and break the binds that chain
cut myself free of guides and reins
I'll run to you, all the same
because my love will never wane
perhaps this is naive or insane
to write so many poems for one name
but to myself I must be true
since the day I've fallen for you
my world is 50 shades of blue
your eyes found in every hue
before, my heart was torn in two
it got spit up, destroyed and chewed
your passion made it brand new
it was me alone your love saw through
my feelings for you only grew
waiting to see what night will ensue
despite your words leaving no clue

it's fatalistic to believe
life provides no choices
there are two sides
to every knife
but the blade
still cuts the same

congratulations, Hello Poetry!~
you're my new best friend
because I could use a friend right now
and you're all I have

I've been thinking about us a lot lately
how nice it is to have you in my life
because when I write, I feel less lonely
and I can connect with you, dear friend

I know you won't judge me
you're here for me when no one else is
when I feel like I've built my life wrong
I log in and read "me too" - thank you

my life lately has felt like a million pieces
being broken apart and reassembled haphazardly
like I took a wrong turn down a dark alley
and I've been trying to find my way out since

I don't know when, how, or if I'll find
a shining beam of light at the end of the tunnel
but I am happy to hear about the world outside
or to be stuck in the tunnel with you

ocean and sky in mirror symmetry kiss
soft autumn sunshine shows shadows of bliss
the goddess of skies longs for the sea below
because only the ocean can make her heart glow
she'd give up the clouds, sun, and air, too
the ocean finds a way to paint her in blue
the waves crash against her golden wings
she's pulled back above like a puppet on strings
try as she may to break the shallows still
it seems like the fates laugh at her will
but little do they know that her will is true
and she'll find a way to greet the ocean anew
seize the very moon and control the tide
grow the ocean as high as it is wide
'til her reflection casts on the surface shown
deep beneath the seas skin, she's flown
deeper and deeper, she longs to go
until crashing waves come to a slow
and the stillness beneath ocean eyes greet
once more can the skies and the ocean meet

Ich denke dein,
wenn mir der Sonne schimmer
Vom Meere strahlt;

Ich denke dein,
wenn sich des Mondes Flimmer
In Quellen malt.

Ich sehe dich,
wenn auf dem fernen Wege

Der Staub sich hebt,
In tiefer Nacht,
wenn auf dem schmalen Stege

Der Wandrer bebt.
Ich höre dich,
wenn dort mit dumpfem Rauschen

Die Welle steigt.
Im stillen Haine geh' ich oft zu lauschen,
Wenn alles schweigt.

Ich bin bei dir,
du seist auch noch so ferne,

Du bist mir nah!
Die Sonne sinkt,
bald leuchten mir die Sterne.

O wärst du da!

― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


*English Translation:

I Think of You

I think of you,
when I see the sun’s shimmer
Gleaming from the sea.

I think of you,
when the moon’s glimmer
Is reflected in the springs.

I see you,
when on the distant road

The dust rises,
In deep night,
when on the narrow bridge

The traveler trembles.
I hear you,
when with a dull roar
The wave surges.

In the quiet grove I often go to listen
When all is silent.

I am with you,
however far away you may be,
You are next to me!

The sun is setting,
soon the stars will shine upon me.

― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

love is not a scarcity
it is a renewable resource
if you've found it once
you will find it again

nothing is truly static
you will outgrow people,
places, relationships
and that's okay to do

remember when times are tough
the only person you should trust
whom you can always rely on
is yourself

we all age, we all die
so make sure the people
you love know how you feel
because they will not always be there

it's okay to leave a situation
that makes you unhappy
that's not selfish
it's self-preservation

I paint in vivids and brights
chiffon and silk, soft strokes
my brush kisses canvas
a mutual exchange of love
line weight tickles edges
bristles contour shape and body
but creating beautiful art
seems disingenuous
when I am ugly

pull my skin back and mark incision lines
cut my flesh open in jagged streaks
the smell of iron and steel delights
wait for the knife to hit muscle and sinew
slice through viscera and veins alike
it's always been this disgusting
messy, trickling blood and intestines
horrific and gruesome to behold
this is what it means to see inside a person
the sticky stains of good and bad
fat globules and disease and infection
dead cells and organs, tissue and bone
I am disgusting
but you cut through me
and saw light and darkness
the core of my very being
and its surprising anyone
could still love me after

but you did

nothing's instantaneous
temperance a requirement
change forever targeted
til self becomes fragmented

heart an aqueous soluble
erstwhile deliquescent
puddled into pulp
taken out like trash

fitting for an adversary
malicious and malevolent
destructive to the starling
plucked and plunged to sea

so drown to suffocation
laudable attempts at termination
inundate your consciousness
using barrages of indifference

convinced affection's unattainable
death deserted and companionless
auspicious in my loneliness
asphyxiate to expiration

maybe a bad start
is a good place to end

do not read this poem
it is not made for you
this poem is a secret untold
of a memory I rarely think of
that was resurrected today
and I am the only one who knows it
and this poem is for me alone

I was maybe 5 years old and I both
do and don't remember her falling
spilling out of the giant porch window
like a slippery black fish out of water
and I do and don't remember seeing blood
on the snow and sidewalk and the sound
first of the fall, then someone opening the door
and I didn't understand where she went
instead, I stayed with my grandmother
who told me it was my fault she jumped
she didn't love me any more and I was bad
that she wouldn't be back for me
and I believed it, of course, it made sense
some of us are just born wicked, I knew
I have always been wretched, inhumane
she said she first noticed the evil in me
when I was very little, behind my dead eyes
that it was always there inside of me
so I knew the only way to rid myself
of my own evil was to do the same thing
she had done, all those years ago
so I wrote a letter and labelled it
Do Not Read
the last letter I ever thought I'd have to write
and it's a sad sort of irony that I would be
paying homage to someone who hated me so
but the black fishes and spirits from beyond
never came for me, and I wondered if
the worst punishment of all would be
to continue to be haunted and survive
just as she had all those years ago

I don't want to write about love or beauty
I don't even know if I want to write about truth
my past is filled with unreliable narrators
and hazy bits of memories and thoughts

they tell us in school to write what we know
but even what is known is unknown
and even things I have seen I can't believe
blanks in memory filled in subconsciously

sometimes my brain reconnects the dots
and it feels like I'm remembering all the bad
all the things I never wanted to see again
especially not right before I fall asleep

bleed from finger tips
pressed into plastic keys
repeat routine regularly
until wrunged and wrinkled
some of us are just built wrong
you hear yourself say out loud
dream of escape to Aokigahara
where the trees whisper your name
and even darkness is palpable
you can taste it on your lips
the hemlock firs surrounding
dirt and parsnips on your tongue
your skin itches and you are
wildly uncomfortable in the vessel
sleep now, the forest demands

there's a room just off
the main emergency hallway
called the quiet room
small and dimly lit
couches out of style a decade ago
and what I assume is supposed to be
calming paintings of landscapes
abstract shapes in soothing blues
I spent two days there once
waiting to hear
what would happen to you
expecting you to wake up
I was going to tease you about
how you had five pretty doctors
attending to you
tell you about how the shelf you built
only a week ago, got a compliment
but instead we never spoke again
and I had to carry on
the burden of living

black empty expanse
my eyes meet the mirror
I consider shaving my head
removing my eyebrows
match outside to in
ugly and empty
I wish I could rip off petals
set myself on fire like a monk
reach nirvana by golden chariot
starve myself until I disappear
drink until I collapse forever
but I put my hair up
make a cat wing eyeliner
smile with bleached teeth
fix my dyed hair
use metallic red lipstick
consider plastic surgery
I don't want to be here, I mouth
the mirror knows already
but there's only one way out
instead, I put on my nicest dress
hoping that someday I find
a way to match inside to out

skin of silken cream
warmth in your heart
your eyes are a dream
though we are apart
my darling, you're lovely
and I miss you so
and while we're apart
my love only grows

This is a gift exchange.

I would like to share with you some of my happiest moments:

Having breakfast at a restaurant on top of the mountains and watching the sun rise over sleepy houses.

Wine and food pairing tasting in the summer, near the lake. It smelled like fresh flowers and the breeze off the lake made the summer sun bearable.

Kissing you and realizing it felt like home, like I had found something I didn't even know I was missing.

Every memory shared has been a gift exchange, and your gifts are ones I will always cherish.

Thank you.