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Arke 4h
you poured gold over my scars
caressed them with tenderness
held me while I wept that snowy afternoon
destroyed and recreated
you told me I didn't have to see myself
as broken, despite the fact
I felt shattered and torn
fragile as glass or porcelain

I've fought myself for years
lost to the demon inside that told me
become so thin you disappear
walk in the tundra until you freeze
make yourself bleed to death
I only loved myself when you held me
loved my body because it was yours then
that it could feel your touch and breath

now I fell and broke with a crash
my jagged pieces formed a puzzle
I can still be useful and full of good
I've picked up the pieces one by one
put myself back together this time
ignored the voices wanting pain
became my own gold and watched it
sparkle as I rebuild myself
Arke 7d
Out
I can't collect my thoughts
They're too scattered
I think of her falling
I wonder what her last thought was
I hope she wasn't scared
The tag they left in her house
"For disposal of human waste"
She's human waste now
We all are, we all become
The house smelled awful
Everything decays
Everyone dies
Nothing lasts
I shouldn't be so choked up about this
I'm alone now
So freeing
No one will notice if I'm gone
I could take off to Korea
Or hang myself in the garage
There is a hole in the centre of my chest
And I thought it couldn't get bigger
But like an infinitely expanding universe
My being expands into nothingness
I worry others can see it sometimes
They notice I am not whole
The sky is too heavy against me
I lose daylight and night alike
Every moment merges into the next
People fill that universe in my chest
Sometimes, rarely
But I consume them
Like a black hole of fire
Or a plague
I consume everything
And I can't help but feel
Like the world would be better
Without me in it
I'm not scared to go
I'm not scared to leave this behind
Let the antimatter break me apart
Limb by limb, shred me
I can't write any more
My thoughts are everywhere and nowhere
I'll stick to tasks
Mindless busy work
Pretend we talk now like we never did
Speak to the emptiness as though
It could speak back somehow
Let it destroy me and rebuild me again
No more writing. No more reading. Depression is slowly taking everything I loved. But I'll fight it, every day. Write ****** poetry no one reads. Cook and clean and act normal. I'm so tired. I've never felt so lonely and defeated. Nothing in life is working out right now but I'll rest easy someday knowing I've tried my hardest and fought this every step of the way.
Arke Jan 9
I'm not okay, even though I know everything will be

eventually
Arke Dec 2018
life is but a cruel game
where we live each moment
always missing someone

I talked to a Serbian man
at the bus stop going home
told him my mom died
on the solstice this year
the longest night that never
would become day for her

he said his died when he was 50
that he wept like a child then
tears formed in his pale eyes

though this game seems unfair
that no one close to us remains
we only borrow one another
life is not a game played for keeps
we exchange time for experience
and life itself for memories
Arke Dec 2018
early morning sun weeps
rays against my skin through
open summer window
shadows hug the curves
of my arm and stomach
I believe, briefly, that I've dissolved
exsanguinated, I lay lifeless
a pile of flesh and mess
worried my soul has left it's shell
I exist only momentarily
when you touch me
when your eyes meet mine
when your body wraps around me

I vanish once more when you leave
Arke Dec 2018
god's teeth, like crooked giants
stood before me, unconquerable.
I've always chased windmills but
some demons are too great to slay,
and I, too foolish and tired to slay them.
"you were young once, too," they whisper,
they have been here at the dawn
of time and stand, eroded but beautiful.
they only remind me that my youth is gone,
of my fleeing mortality.
I will be long dead,
the earth will live on
without me, someday,
as will you.
will you mourn me when I go?
will you leave orchids at my wake?
I never wished to see a world without you in it,
never wished to feel my body apart from yours
though you've shown me what it looks like now.
and everything is a bit bleaker,
the first snow fall brings only
silence and slush and empty contemplation
and I hate it.
I hate being alone with these thoughts.
but rather than spearing the giants and demons,
I'd be lying if I said I didn't think
the spear would easier go through me
I'll get back on my horse and ride
towards the empty and unfulfilling horizon
as long as I can, I promise
I will fight an eternity for your memory alone
Arke Dec 2018
today, at the age of thirty,
I became an orphan.

two empty seats will be at my graduation.
no family at Christmas.
the last living member in this lineage.
no brothers or sisters,
no aunts or uncles.

millions of years of evolution,
and natural selection,
will end when I die...
and I will have no family to mourn me,
as I mourn for my mother today.

and maybe it's better that way,
because no one else deserves
to feel the immense loss of death.
Rest in peace, mom. I'm happy you're no longer in pain.
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