you poured gold over my scars caressed them with tenderness held me while I wept that snowy afternoon destroyed and recreated you told me I didn't have to see myself as broken, despite the fact I felt shattered and torn fragile as glass or porcelain
I've fought myself for years lost to the demon inside that told me become so thin you disappear walk in the tundra until you freeze make yourself bleed to death I only loved myself when you held me loved my body because it was yours then that it could feel your touch and breath
now I fell and broke with a crash my jagged pieces formed a puzzle I can still be useful and full of good I've picked up the pieces one by one put myself back together this time ignored the voices wanting pain became my own gold and watched it sparkle as I rebuild myself
I can't collect my thoughts They're too scattered I think of her falling I wonder what her last thought was I hope she wasn't scared The tag they left in her house "For disposal of human waste" She's human waste now We all are, we all become The house smelled awful Everything decays Everyone dies Nothing lasts I shouldn't be so choked up about this I'm alone now So freeing No one will notice if I'm gone I could take off to Korea Or hang myself in the garage There is a hole in the centre of my chest And I thought it couldn't get bigger But like an infinitely expanding universe My being expands into nothingness I worry others can see it sometimes They notice I am not whole The sky is too heavy against me I lose daylight and night alike Every moment merges into the next People fill that universe in my chest Sometimes, rarely But I consume them Like a black hole of fire Or a plague I consume everything And I can't help but feel Like the world would be better Without me in it I'm not scared to go I'm not scared to leave this behind Let the antimatter break me apart Limb by limb, shred me I can't write any more My thoughts are everywhere and nowhere I'll stick to tasks Mindless busy work Pretend we talk now like we never did Speak to the emptiness as though It could speak back somehow Let it destroy me and rebuild me again
No more writing. No more reading. Depression is slowly taking everything I loved. But I'll fight it, every day. Write ****** poetry no one reads. Cook and clean and act normal. I'm so tired. I've never felt so lonely and defeated. Nothing in life is working out right now but I'll rest easy someday knowing I've tried my hardest and fought this every step of the way.
early morning sun weeps rays against my skin through open summer window shadows hug the curves of my arm and stomach I believe, briefly, that I've dissolved exsanguinated, I lay lifeless a pile of flesh and mess worried my soul has left it's shell I exist only momentarily when you touch me when your eyes meet mine when your body wraps around me
god's teeth, like crooked giants stood before me, unconquerable. I've always chased windmills but some demons are too great to slay, and I, too foolish and tired to slay them. "you were young once, too," they whisper, they have been here at the dawn of time and stand, eroded but beautiful. they only remind me that my youth is gone, of my fleeing mortality. I will be long dead, the earth will live on without me, someday, as will you. will you mourn me when I go? will you leave orchids at my wake? I never wished to see a world without you in it, never wished to feel my body apart from yours though you've shown me what it looks like now. and everything is a bit bleaker, the first snow fall brings only silence and slush and empty contemplation and I hate it. I hate being alone with these thoughts. but rather than spearing the giants and demons, I'd be lying if I said I didn't think the spear would easier go through me I'll get back on my horse and ride towards the empty and unfulfilling horizon as long as I can, I promise I will fight an eternity for your memory alone