sand and soot in oysters whirl
creating iridescent pearls
the lotus roots through dirt and mud
to blossom from the smallest bud

out of darkness, beauty grows
though the process, arduous and slow
without pain nothing is created
and so my growth is long awaited

you hold on so tightly that I suffocate
when I find the courage to escape
you delineate and debate
why can't enough be enough?
why not be happy with what we had?
we've been through thin and tough
we've experienced life's worst and survived
but sometimes love isn't enough
I've been bursting at the seams, deprived
maybe my happiness is selfish and weak
I could be undeserving of joy again
but I won't know unless I leave and seek
so please, I beg you, let me go
it'll hurt like hell for a while
but I know with time we will both grow

broken shards of glass and snow
pick up each one blow by blow
mix my blood into the earth
paper tigers have no worth
set my sails to open sea
unbind the knots and set me free
I elucubrate my feeble quarrel
composed of petals, orchids floral
taste the crumbs and rusk abound
ne'er again to hear the sound
longing sighs and an exhale
and all the night could entail
but you care for dim shadows not
and dawn becomes long forgot
my words spill on pages flat
each sheet falls through the slat
my thesis burns by candle light
every sentence shifts more trite
but you remain my constant spark
and for a moment, hope embarks

eyes made of glass
skin becomes fallen rain
how I wish I were numb
to feel no pain
but the memory of you
will always remain

the blood in my veins
heart pulses for you
trace outlines on my wrist
a roadmap of blue
will you follow me here
is your navigation true

I fear being out of view
walking barefoot through frost
I can see my breath now
as I become lost
a cold chill tugs at my strings
when I walk to exhaust

no one can fathom
their mercurial will
no one can know
what life will fulfill

I've tempted fate
I live on borrowed time
because I've met you
I've experienced the sublime

when Lachesis cuts
woven threads of my life
I'll look back on moments
of happiness and strife

my life's constance is love
your smile is my bliss
while I'm still alive
your happiness is my wish

pain can be a muse, too
it's twinge always familiar for me
that it begins to feel like home
and I gladly let it consume me

It means I'm alive,

I remind myself to use it
fill a canvas with an empty heart
remember what beauty looks like
even when blindfolded

and I remember,

in the darkness I can still
find your lips on mine
feel your weight against me
hear breath and words on my neck

pain can be a love, too

because without one
there cannot exist the other
so I'd rather take them both
than never experience either

the way your lips smirk
I am two beers in too many
you call all the shots

you want to watch me flourish
you nourish my soul
around you, I bloom
and all my colours show
so let's take it slow tonight
I want your bites and bruises
tender plights and kisses
aching for your pain
teeth trail veins, craving you
we'll leave the world behind

have the courage to do what must be done
to fix all that is broken and know when to run
and we will-
run through the fields away from it all
hold hands as the seasons change into fall
and they will-
transform us from youth to old and grey
despite wrinkles of autumn, together we'll stay

my fingers miss yours
my lips can still taste your skin
hungry and alone

you found her barely breathing
tangled in man-made traps
snares, chains, steel-jaws
here, even the gods can die

the sprite of seas and skies
and the rainbows, her golden wings
danced with the spectrum at her feet
now bleeding from shoulders and ankles

sure, the arches only form after the rain
but after years of torrential downpour
you found her drowning in a rainstorm
pierced with spears and plucked feathers

she performs no miracles and speaks no Latin
merely, she is old with enormous wings
she is no angel, and entirely undeserving
but still, you immortalize her with your touch

I long to hold you
yearn for you against me
I want your bruises and bites
your lightest touch and deepest kisses

give me your thoughts
your happiness
your pleasure
I will you give you mine

I don't mind being broken by you
when my thoughts are interrupted
mind blank and there's silence
the moment our bodies meet

show me your scars
your pain
your passion
I will you show you mine

you give openly
I want to give in to you
surrender every piece of myself to you
because my love for you is always requited

every moment, every feeling
you repay with interest
with you, affection is always
exquisitely reciprocal

they are old friends of mine
self doubt, self hatred, self destruction
their black gaping eyes
look at me knowingly
their bodies vibrate and pulse like anxiety
blood pours from their mouths when they speak
they whisper quietly that I'll never be good enough
I can't make myself happy, they remind me
how could I ever make anyone else happy?
they smile and show sets of teeth between red
entering uninvited, late at night
screaming obscenities and mocking me
demanding my time and energy
reminding me of all my shortcomings and failures
moments in my life that I was not enough (or too much)
and every moment coming, with premonition
I seat them into my home
though my consent has never been a requirement
they drip and ooze into the carpet
leaving thickened black sludge
and back handed compliments
identifying my worth based on shouldn'ts and didn'ts
         welcome, I tell them
though I don't want them here
         stay as long as you need to
I barely mouth the sounds of a silent cry
they expand and fill the room
until I can no longer breathe and they crush me
underneath their weight, and remind me I did this
to myself -- I welcomed them in, after all
I created them, I brought them here, and they are
mine

there are always words that evoke
gentle and soft imagery
like the fireflies in dense forests
where we could wander
pathways lit up by the glow of stars
count the bones of the great oak trees
lead me through the thickets
kiss the scars on my thighs
we'll listen to the sound
of crashing waves against
your voice when you laugh
we'll guess the age of the universe
discuss epistemology and literature
I'll watch the way your jaw line moves
when you smile and whisper
or how your body tenses at my touch
the moment your eyes spark  
and dilate to my presence
I'll caress your body against mine
bliss at the sweetness of your heat
I'll oscillate with the trees
knowing that together
we can conquer windmills

snowdrifts, wind sculpted
bury us together inside
as our lips drift closer together
bury yourself inside
covered by the snow
covered by the blankets
hidden away from the world
just you and I
idyllic winter snowglobe
lazy saturdays in your arms
brave the winter chill
hidden near the fireplace
we'll stay indoors all year

Twelve dozen flowers I've yet to see
From countries far away
I'd love to pick each one with you
And watch them all decay

I thought I knew what love was
I read Austen, Bronte, and Shakespeare, too.
I thought I knew what love was
and then I fell in love with you

I am no stranger to love's life and lore
and had been nearly married once before
his alone I swore to be, forever long
thinking it was love until I heard your song

with kindness, passion, and care
you showed me what love could be
with you, my defenses are bare
and it's only your love that I see

I'll give myself to you because
I've found a love both warm and true
I never knew what love was
before I had met you

orchid skies over Italian seas
breath in the salt water breeze
hold hands and watch the sun set
neither ready to go home yet
our legs dangle off the pier
the wild orchids flourish here
their sweet scent carries me to you
the water casts a mirror view
a million stars bloom in the sky
in their white blaze, a reply:
truth and beauty can be found
in every person, touch, or sound
but when I am alone with you
truth and beauty shine right through

stepford wife, smile bright
cook, clean, fix, listen, shine
a trophy, prize, conquest
overused, underloved, broken, dies
unassembled puzzle, incomplete
pieces an unclear fit, break
silent muzzled, scattered, quit
exhausted, out is in a box
for puzzles, games, like little talk
brought to shelved bars, stay
viewed only, never touched
succumb, suffocate, decay

I'm not that kind of doctor,
you tell me, while holding the scalpel
slowly cutting necrotic epidermis
every time you grin and smile
the dead skin tissue, gone
parts of me, mending

My doctorate is in arts,
you say, while holding the needle
slowly stitching cardiac sutures
when you press your lips to my wrist
pieces of my heart sewn together
I am whole once more

I've studied philosophy and literature,
you claim, while holding the pump
slowly collecting platelets and plasma
as you look into my eyes, you are
delivering a life-saving transfusion
every piece is healed

in amphibians, the process
is called ecdysis
shedding, casting off, transforming
birds will moult several times a year
flourishing new plumage
orchids will regrow fallen blooms
the process is natural
but not any easier
especially when we grow apart
but everything changes
and everyone changes
there is no true sort by same
go through a metamorphosis
transmogrify and evolve
leave yourself behind and
recreate who you are
above all, never fear
the change of becoming

open space compels you
forward
walking into lakes and oceans
trigger pulling aim true
from the shallow end to the buoys
keep going, the sea whispers
find the deepest end
submerge
jump from the bridge
they won't notice you're gone
buried in ice water, frozen
chasing the moving horizon
push and pull of waves against body
you're in too deep now
thunder in the distance
black clouds shoot lightning
you close your eyes
wait for it to end
wait for it
wait
a voice says
you won't drown
you feel fingers, pulling you up
helping your body float
their lips touch yours
oxygen transferred resuscitate
together, you see a still surface
you have never been happier
to be corporeal
to have arms and legs
than at that very moment
you realize that you can touch
the person who rescued you
you realize their waves
will carry you back
to shore
home

what's the word for finding something
you never even knew you were missing
for meeting someone you have always known
is there a word for the feeling I get when you touch me
where nostalgia, goosebumps, and home collide

you are grey as cumulus nimbus
your rain brings out every color of my rainbow
we will dance under darkened skies
kiss on moonlit lakes
love loudly through looks of lust
slow play, silent smirks, poetry

you are an expert at words
your tongue is gold
soft and smooth
your words touch my veins
so tell me, love, what is the word
for the feeling of infinity
that I see when I look at you?

spake my thirst with the ocean in your eyes
with every particle of you I'm familiarized
your lips pressed on mine, caught by surprise
feel your hands on me as we kiss the skies

and every poem is about you
and every painting created for you
and every word spoken to reach you
and every molecule of me is yours

perhaps jejune, you give me butterflies
feed insomnia 'til night heeds the sunrise
tracing your frame and shapes to memorize
breathing your essence, I am paralyzed

when first words were exchanged
innocuous attempts to remove shirts
in the balmy summer heat
I was fallen snow, legs frozen
my mouth spoke
in metallic red and said,
in my darkest nights, it's always
your smile I see
it has always been your smile
and your countenance
in blissful dreams that delight
your essence fills
the darkest voids in both
heart and mind
I am brightened by your existence
you alone
have made me shine
when my fire faded entirely
a thousand years ago
I swear we soared
through starry night skies
and kissed on beaches before creation
with fingers laced before
bodies even existed
(though, I am ever so grateful for yours)
my eyes gave everything because
you are a boomerang of reciprocity
so see me as foolish or naive
explore my newly found optimism
because I now see colour
in our world as never before
tease and laugh and enjoy time with me
it it yours and I
exist for you

let's bring down the horizon
let's burn this city to the ground
when it's just you and me against the world
we'll shatter the oceans
whisper Poseidon to the sea
we'll **** the gods and kiss the skies
whisper filth behind closed doors
and bury the mountains
they've built around us
and steal the stars
just for us

when I craved kindness, passion, and fire, I stole
and they say no one person can complete you
but love, when you look at me, I am whole
and maybe we'll have thirty years together
but know the past century we were souls
intertwined with my arms around you

you make me beautiful when life takes a toll
I used to think that love only bruised
you've taught me that it's not about control
I used to think that pain was all that remained
but you came with love to heal and console
and show me the good that comes after midnight

I thirst to be a water droplet

dancing on your skin
to kiss across your face
as I run down your jaw and chin
in the shower, we'd embrace

starting at your crest
I'd drip through your hair
and play along your chest
always handle you with care

meet you at your waist
I've fallen for you hard
what I'd give for just a taste
of speckles or skin, scarred

deeper yet I'd dive
just one lick with a smile
to be with you, I would strive
I'll spend thirty years, a bare while

when with you, time loses meaning
floating weightless in your ocean
the feeling of our hearts convening
connected in effortless slow-motion

and even if I reach the lake bottom
and even through hardships out of the blue
and even when my summer turns to autumn
more than anything, I long to be with you

find a lover who writes you sonnets
who uses the darkest flecks of your eyes as ink
and the shades of your skin as paper
writing along the edges of your wrists and arms
with tongue and teeth
with purpose, truth, and love

find a lover whose heart sings to yours
a pianissimo summer sonata, dolce
using their words sotto voce against your ear
melodiously humming against your body
with their lips pressed to your neck
with passion, fire and tenderness

find a lover who creates art
using line weight in colloquy and canvas alike
to paint you with diamonds, as they see you
watch them carve your essence
with rainbows and pearls
with intensity, feeling, and beauty

find a lover who gives to you
who presents all the joys of life
unselfishly and without expectation
and when they give freely and openly
ensure that you, too, become a lover
who writes, sings, creates, and returns

gold pours from your lips
tracing the edges of my hips
I count every star on your chest
diamonds dance along your sides
your broken french, silk
wrapping me to you, tied
us both together, tighter

lapis irises look at me
clear as the sunset sea
your body whispers
together we could form
obsidium and hauyne
our core is fire
we'll be together again

we had forgotten this feeling
primal and both healing
thunderstorms begin within me
our meeting surely kismet
certain as the rise of our moon
a volcano becomes active
I yearn to be with you soon

you're a lethal toxin underneath
pull the cutlass from your sheath
a little death never hurt anyone
place my hands 'round your gun

your kiss is an aimed ****
and yet I want to stand still
waiting for you to pull the trigger
a single look shows your vigor

use your scope in the dark
we both know I'm your mark
aim your sword to my breast
you are here at my behest

around my neck I'll feel your hands
and I will be at your command
I want the death you provide
cut me now, deep inside

place your head on my lap, love
and I'll read you Baudelaire
you'll drink wine on the grass
my fingers dancing through your hair

your eyes could never betray
the feelings that you hold
they whisper to me thoughts
of what we've left untold

I want to bathe in your golden warmth
drink the elixir of your lips
please allow our love to flourish
if only in the wilds of our scripts

your eyes, your lips, your words
slake my growing thirst
while my very soul sails forward
the seas of your attraction submerse

so lay down with me, my love
and I'll read you Baudelaire
my passion for you
is found everywhere

monogamy means I am a thing
an object possessed by someone else
their trophy, their conquest
their maid and chef, too

I want to be loved, not owned
held loosely and with courage
treasured, valued, and desired
instead of confined to chains

monogamy is stifling
monogamy is jealous
monogamy is cruel
monogamy is immuring

I have always been your everything
rather than comforting, it's exhausting
love is complex but not binding
and sometimes love isn't enough

fifty years down the road
will I regret the time I've spent
being inauthentic and forced
living someone else's dream?

I talk to you as though you're still here
in the room with me, watching me work
I tell you about all of the things you've missed:
my acceptance to grad school and thesis
how I've started watercolour painting
and learning Japanese
reading Rilke and writing poetry again
you would've loved that

and I tell you about grief and loss and death
how I should've stayed with you that day
I saw your heart shatter and break
you were gone just a week later
I had never seen anyone in so much pain
but when I held your hand and said I was there
I swear I felt you try to squeeze it back still
even through your dyspnea and delirium

I still see you, you know?
when I look in the mirror it's not my face
but yours looking back at me
and when I write they are not my words
but yours reflected back on the page
and sometimes, when I am quiet enough
I can hear your replies to me, too
and you talk to me, as though you're still here

is there a plan to this design
constraint within space and time
the clouds, the flowers, the trees, and sea
cannot be made for only me

so tell me please what do you know
when we die do our souls flow
become stardust in the sky
or has that been just a lie

maybe we're all in a dream
and nothing is as it seems
and when my body becomes slack
and my world fades to black

I want to believe there might be more
only one lifetime with you I deplore
a thousand lifetimes may be enough
but having just one makes it tough

in case this is my lone chance
I cannot leave life to circumstance
I know I wish to hold you dear
and have you in my life year after year

we'll make love on the shore
beneath the trees of sycamore
a lilac scent in the air
my fingers run through your hair
your mouth leaves marks on my skin
I can't suppress a silly grin
I feel your hand run up my thigh
my legs open, your reply
and as the tide begins to shift
your mouth gives a splendid gift
all at once, I feel you tense
your love for me, too immense
once you have come inside
and after you are satisfied
I feel your tongue further down
in this pleasure, I could drown
I'll ride the waves and let go
my heart is now set aglow
so let's make love by the shore
and I'll feel you in me once more

the poppies bloom, the orchids, too
sweetest flowers, pale petals of white
when I see them, I think of you
I'll watch you grow, your dreams take flight

and should I be there, in your dreams
watching the stars throughout the night
we'll sleep beneath the moon beams
that spark our hearts to ignite

this is love, pure as day
in your laugh I take delight
I love you so, I must now say
because our lives are finite

since we leave this earthly world
hold me now, near and tight
watch our love as it unfurls
and we will sway, under starlight

We'll run away together, love
To the shores of Italy
Among the rows of grape vines
Beneath the willow trees

We'll buy a villa in Positano
Red brick and marble, by the sea
We'll dance with wine and moonlight
If you'll run away with me

In the boutiques and cafes
We'll drink espresso and high tea
The pebble streets call out your name
Come with me now, let's flee

A one-way ticket is simply frugal
I'm sure you will agree
We'll kiss beneath the Elba stars
And create a new reality

Hellopoetry,
I confess.
I have killed a man
who I love deeply

he was driven as the sun
and passionate as a storm
but now he is a sailboat
a vessel waiting for wind

years ago, when we had nothing
but each other, cuddled up
on an air mattress in the middle of a room
I was happy

he died five years ago
those hazel eyes I so adored
with green flecks strong as a rainforest
are now clear cut

was it my finger on the gun?
did I tie the perfect knot of a noose?
leave medication next to the alcohol?
...was it really me? how did I do this?

we have grown so far apart
that I barely remember
the boy who lit my heart ere long ago
who I kissed in the art room
next to my paintings
and I thought he was more beautiful
than any work of art ever could be

I see his shadow sometimes,
only when we're on vacation and he
wanders through trails holding my hand
once again young, shy, playful

and gone again so soon.

do you feel fight or flight
norepinephrine through your veins
my nails against your skin
body delicate and responsive
lips bruised and stung
as i lick, nibble, bite
i sense veins pulsing with blood
burning hot with adrenaline
and i want you so desperately
i long to consume your words
devour your lips
take you in entirely
ravaged
exhausted
i want to smell you
fear, arousal, excitement
your flesh against my tongue
the sweetest moment of all
is not the thrill of the chase
it's the moment predator
captures prey

i am slipping
heart melting
bury me down
and i won't rise
remember tequila shots
and first times?
our spirits etched
crudely into each other?
and you were the one
to let me go
brought your shovel
entombed us both
i wish i could forget
your smiling eyes
dancing for me alone

I wanted to leave this morning with hope
Dreaming about how today would not be like yesterday
I could get up 15 minutes earlier
Wear that new little black dress that makes me feel good about myself
Catch the bus on time
Eat a good breakfast just like you've always told me to
But I got up and had a missed call
And that's when I found out you were gone
And I rolled over in bed hoping this would be a bad dream
And got up late
And put on that little black dress that I keep for funerals
And called a taxi to pick me up
And I saw you one last time, pale lips and eyes cold
I couldn't eat for days after
Your body hooked up to humming machines
I wish it had been me instead

Your silver tinsel smile
Warm breath against my neck
Lips parted and I can almost taste you
Bubbles line champagne glasses
Their edges soft as skin
The needle work
Your fingertips sew
Against my arm
Like rain drops on
A golden window pane
And a dull heart ache
At the bottom of my stomach
Pulling me under

Like Aristotle,
I see the world in moderation.
All the ugliness feels balanced
When I look at you.

you define who you are
by maybes and not-so-bads
as boundaries disappear between us
I see a filled canvas of colour
every brush stroke placed perfectly
you are the epicentre of art
truth and beauty collide

but-
some truth you have yet to uncover:
no one of us is complete
everything disowned can be recovered
your inhibitions are fantasy
you cannot maintain a status quo
that makes you unhappy
or expect happiness in the static

instead, invest in yourself
you need time to grow
a thousand seeds in a desert
will never create a garden
just as a thousand compliments
will never bloom if you don't
first learn
to love yourself

I'm a jack-of-all-trades
good at nothing
good for nothing
I've never learned how to swim
or play an instrument
I can't drive a car
or write anything well
or carve your name in the stars
where it deserves to be

and I've never created
a single thing I've felt proud of
but I can cheer you on
watch you swim laps
from the shallowest end of the pool
and get excited when you publish
your capital "L" Literature
I'll cover you in glitter
so you'll shine to the ends of the galaxy
then we'll watch how every star in the night sky
blinks your name in morse code

a single column around
my favourite part,
the inside of your wrists
I brush the fibers against porcelain
wanting to leave a mark
let me create a map of red lines
and bruises on your skin
this way I'll know where to
lightly caress or
run my tongue along or
dig my fingers into

breath you into me
and sync our breaths
slow and calm
I run the bight along your arms
tug it across your chest
it is meticulous as the rope runs tandem
and I go slow
savouring each ******* fold
over, under, through, tighter, harder

your smile commands me
so I ask you to beg
tell me you want it
I want to hear it
tell me you want me
of course I'll give in
we both know you're in charge

I maintain tension with the rope
it's a language I've become fluent in
I maintain tension through eye contact
though I pray you won't see through me
I maintain control
of myself and keep to the task at hand
wrapping you like a gift, like my gift

subspace is a land I've never been to
but I know the face you make
when you get there
your eyes flit and I can sense your arousal
our breathing quickens
as you contract against my lips
you are unbound and released
as I pull the rope tighter

I'll bind you free

first

find the most interesting, beautiful, and important part of your figure;
observe with fresh eyes, and new hands
until you can touch the figure in your mind

but

do not hold him just yet.

transform him to his most basic and essential qualities.
observe the way light plays against his skin, the darker shadows under his neck, the curve of his lips
the muscles along his arms and blood in his veins
holding your brush with care, start an outline

go slow at this stage

find a way to capture his gaze.
a gaze away could mean disinterest or distraction
an animated gaze forward means your figure is engaged

next

trace him with your brush
focusing on the base of his neck,
his broad, naked shoulders,
his back and the curves that connect to his thighs.

when you have an outline: wait

wait until you hear the pounding of your own heartbeat
paint the feeling of his hands against your hips
wait until you feel his lips brush up against
the base of your neck,
your slender, naked shoulders,
your back
your stomach
and lower

at this very moment, you feel yourself painted by him

you become a shade, a highlight, a smudge back into the canvas
and he pulls you in closer
until you both become one image

you watch him as he takes your paint brush away
you are naked and you do not remember if he painted
your clothing off with a brush of his own
or if you took them off yourself

such trivial detail is not essential to the big picture

this is when the real picture is painted
when you yourself become a series of circles and textures
and your body no longer feels real

you are two figures, ready to be painted

you capture this moment.

Your wicked tongue awoke
Between crooked teeth
And a scarred smile

An accent at the boom
Of your voice; could shatter
Cities of marble to sand

The plague you've sent
As we prayed for an end
And you took your throne

But this is love, isn't it?
You whispered to us all
Through an open palm

This was all there is
And all that ever will be
You are the omega

You've slayed and conquered
But like caped crusaders fallen
You were mortal all along

And I realize that now
Whelmed through life's storm
You, too, never knew love