I wanted a clean break
so I compartmentalized
my friends     and      his

I didn't fight for you
but I should've

we had picked out your
birthday gift together
I never made the party
the gift was a reminder
of our failure as a couple
it's not a good excuse
but it's the one I have
I put my own feelings of shame
over our friendship
because that was simpler

the truth is, I was scared, too
I've never told anyone that

I'd watch your soccer games
you would run across the field
your body athletic and agile
tall and capable in ways I could
only wish I had been
and I was scared to see you weak

I'll never forget your last media post
two hours before you died
about how you couldn't stop coughing

I regret the birthday gift
you never got to open