And you run around in my world
waving your knives
declaring it was love
as you watch me die a little inside
day by day
and ask me why I try to hide

So I sit here
Tearing my heart open and
breaking myself
so I can smile at you
tears dried
gracefully poised
when it's your turn to break me

I watch you from the outside
Begging at my feet, saying again
again that you love me.
Banging on the glass. While she
throws herself on you from behind.
You couldn't notice.
You couldn't notice it was killing me.
But her eyes were looking at mine,
eyes that challenged threatened,
demanded me to give you up.

I was never loved and too afraid to fight
Running was my only vice.
I don't know how to fight her to stay back.
When you jabbed me with you smile,
"She is my best friend, baby, be nice."
So I put on a smile and my mascara,
gritted my teeth in the face of fire.

But she was always there. Quiet, lurking
snarling at me whenever you were not here.
It broke me, but you didn't care.
You saw the sweet girl in your best friend.
And your girl the crazy *****.

I loved you.
I watched you beg, banging, crying, pleading from the outside.
I ran.

I don't know how to love you
without climbing into his bed
I love you.
But I am never yours. I am nobody's

They say I got it all but I want what I cannot have.
Him. I want him. Cheating, deceitful phony. Him.
I loved him. I love him.
I told myself again and again I love you
as if to persuade an orphan to go home
but what is home?

Home is where the heart is.
But I don't have a heart
I am the beautiful pin-up doll, sweet
shallow but never yours.
I love you.
I promise I do
Until I get bored

She climbed in bed. Her luscious curves against my naked back
Naked. Curves. She was cold but hugged me tight
I pushed her away
I pushed her.
Away.
Now she is away
Her curves tight against someone else's back
Someone else's naked back
Her. Someone else.
Pain. No. No. She is mine.
MINE. MY GIRL. MY FUTURE WIFE
She is not mine. Not anymore she is not mine.

She bought me belts. Handmade Chelseas. Paisley pocket squares.
She did my tie in the morning and kissed me goodbye.
She did my tie. She leant in and did it.
Half Windsor. Blue Paisley. Cheap suit.
She tiptoed and concentrated.
Then she kissed me.
She kissed me.
Me.
But I pied her off as I was rushing.
Rushing to work. Somewhere.
Nowhere.
Nowhere to rush. Nowhere to hide.
Now she leans in every morning.
And does someone else's tie. Full windsor.
Cause he doesn't rush. He waits for her.
She does his tie.
The way she did mine

She wears a ring. Tiny diamond. On her left hand
Ring finger. Platinum band.
She used to smile and say "I am his wife".
Wife.
She was my wife.
She still smiles.
She says "I am his wife."
But he isn't me. And the diamond.
The diamond five times the size of mine.
She doesn't smile and say she is mine anymore.
She is not mine anymore.

Don't blame me father
My insatiable hunger for love and insecurities
When all you gave me was piles of paper
that I couldn't even burn to keep me warm
To melt the ice ***** you stuck in deep.

Do you remember what you did to me?

You threw me off like a burden to the fire
You drove her mad, so she hurls it out
All on me.

You laughed and told me I was mad, then
told me. **** it up. Don't tell me. Be a good daughter.
Take my money and leave.
I have all the gold but I don't know what it's like, Dad,
For a man to love me.

Don't shame me mother
For clinging onto strangers, eager to please
Shying away from you and all my responsibilities
You took all your hatred for him
And unleashed it all on me.

Did you remember what you did to me?

You wanted a daughter that wasn't me. I was too wild.
So you despised everything I loved
About me.

You said I don't ever do enough, I never please. But
I am not your puppet on a string
And you are not my priority.
I love you so much, Mum, but I am the happiest when you are
Not around me.

Have you ever felt love
course through your veins
bite into your heart
ouch
Sorry I am late, the traffic was hectic
It's ok, I look so ****. I came straight from work

You smiled at me.
Aquamarine. ***** blonde. green tartan trousers. Hardrock cafe shirt.
I smiled back.

Later of later
I fall asleep in your arms everynight.
And you wouldn't sleep unless I am in bed.
And I lay here and wonder
If this is love, what was I feeling all those years instead?

You cut me off and run like I was a plague
And left me shattered,
while the love bites
you gave still marks me as your territory

How can you leave when the love bites hasn't even healed on me?

I sank knee deep, once bitten twice shy
Ripping trust from me
Let men come and go
But never again allowed myself to be

Liars. I tell myself. Cheaters. Excuses
and lost of interest. Players.
I was happy, because I was so numb I couldn't feel a thing

So I politely keep them out,
like you play violent. notes on
a string.  I doomed myself to be undeserving
of love, to never trust, to beg for security
from every hand willing to touch me.

This is the legacy you left me

I thought the bravest thing I ever did
was run.
But it turns out I am too young and
Your shadows were too large.
And if love comes at your anger, anxiety
controlling manners and menacing venom.
Then mother.
I don't want to be your daughter at all.

Your green eyes
sent shivers down my spine
That his exquisitely sculpted face
And muscular body never did
I bloomed at your touch.

Black silk between your thighs
looking at the exquisite timepiece
at eye-level. You reached for my hand
in the marble hallway.
But you said you hated physical contact
for me, you'd make an exception.
Subconsciously, holding onto me.

Bathe me in your money and glory
naked on the balcony looking over
the skyline of that great city. Ravish what
little love I have left for men. But I know
you'd keep me safe and warm.
It was only natural what's between me and you.

My fire and decadence
intertwined with your calm and composure
I forgot dreaming about the future
When everyday is a Monte Carlo when I have you

We are just two
Promiscuous souls. Huddling
Together on that cold July evening
for warmth.
Knowing well,
That we would crash and burn or fall in love.

Secretly. Both hoping. For the latter

You touched the dark side of my moon
And you set it on fire.
You were born into the dark side
But who doesn't crave for the light?
One fleeing glimpse. Your eyes met mine.
Our hearts tumbled and then lost.

You loved me mad, and they say I was out of
my mind.A Lady and A Peaky Blinder.
Decadent, romantic, roses meet guns
My pretty face was the glamorous facade,
Standing behind me was you with uncleaned blood

You said I was a lady. Your lady.
High society's darling sweetheart.
They have never seen the devil
Until an angel tears off her mask.
0.3 calibre, Louboutins in check, rouge
on my lips, warm crimson filling my pond.

La Reina. The Queen. They whisper
little birds travel far on the backstreets
Just you see.
In love and revenge
I am always more barbaric than men.

Gold. Red. Diamonds on velvet.
You showered the entire Bond Street
Onto my neck.
"You look gorgeous" Oh who doesn't
in a million dollar dress?
You truly knew the way to my heart:
You bought yourself a shortcut
Into a girl whose insecurities about money
ran larger,
larger than life.
Larger than her dark almond eyes.

But you were different. Oh you.
You had six off-shore accounts, and a
Swiss trust fund. I was so scared
of losing it all, so you gave me what a girl
could ever want.

Guess how many pairs of Louboutins I own?
As much as it could be carried in a Mulsanne.
It's how it is,I braced it now. I love you, as long
as the little black dress is not lost.

You gave me a tango, and watched me dance
Till I collapse on the ground.
No, I won't be good enough.
But you gave me fale hope and watched me jump
towards a bed of lies.

You paid the bill. You laughed.
You despised it all yet you smiled and watched on.
I was a clown and you put me on
the way your put on your Burberry
then toss me aside once my heat gets too hot

You were tough. You climbed out of that *******
and made your way to the top. My
admiration and lust turned to a bitter
cloud of ash and dust when you tossed me
down from your cloud.

You loved my skin colour more than me.

So tell me when did french kisses
and biting my lips became a sign of
"I don't think this will ever work"
And when will you ever learn, that only
scumbags and *******
Fluently lead a *******?

If I had to fall in love I would fall
right into those dimples
and the soft hair that ruffles slightly
When you shoot me one of those
awkward smiles, shy to meet my hazelnut
eyes with your green hues.

I smelled love. Between Chai and coffee.
Brewing like the hot chocolate with cream
that stained your upper lip.
Your shyness, trying to avoid my gaze, but
your eyes lit up.

Blonde hair, creamy skin. Me like an opened
bottle of fizz, bubbly with joy, while you
shy and laughed along
held out your arm to me
so you could keep me safe.

Slow, gentle,sweeter than life.
You were not what I expected at all.
Not my type. Not the flashy kind.
But we ordered
the same drink at the same bar.

Vanity
made me numb for a while, I
mistaken my lust and ambition for love.
The men before you were as vain
as the price tag on my
red heel Louboutins.

But
You
didn't know did you?
Blue cashmere. Jeans and a gold watch.
You made a
sinner change her ways
you made a
Casanova believe in love again.

Her mascara stain imprinted on your collar
Smudged for the burgundy strawberry
You begged for me to plant on your neck
She knew.
She found out.
Your shirt smelled like
The sweet abyss of my body at night

I warned you from the start. On you lap,whispering,
hot breaths and tongue darting, telling you
I was a famed minx in
fishnets and a tight velvet dress, dripping red
But you held onto me
like your very life
Depended on the carnal lust that almost
swallowed you alive

I notorious, you famous. These two never
ever make a good pair.
But I caught your eye.
Long nights, your poured out your heart
And felt in me the echo, that was lost from her
from the very start. It echoed your soul.
You, truly you. You felt it.
I reciprocated every inch of just who you are

So I let you inside me, and ravish the little attraction
a broken soul had left.
Once.
Twice.
A thousand times over.

Panic burnt.
Your eyes red with pain
of the chaos and doors she slammed
in your face. She left. You lost her.
"The love of your life"
Who never knew what you are as a man
But you are here, back for comfort
A lie you tell yourself to be mine.

"You dress like a ****."
Yes, I can see it crystal clear now.
Mum, you were just jealous. I said it. Jealous.
Because my lips were crimson and it stung
your eyes. And I had charm, guts, cheeky grin.
All you never had.

"Go to the streets and sell yourself, you *****."
I. The *****? Because my top was tight.
And the hips you gave me, swayed when I walked.
"Your **** is so fat, look at you."
I wore what your shame was as pride. And the feline
liner didn't help with the disgust on your face
That disdain you never tried to hide.

You tried bribing me with labels encrusted in gold.
In return for behaving the way you want, the good girl
"I spent so much on you, do as you are told."
Put a price on freedom, and told me it's how it works
No happiness can be bought with less than six figures
was your motto.

I was the anomaly in your schemed life
your controlled perfection, calculated to
hide the anxiety that hung loose. I yielded
to pleasure, you clung to your fears for your
life. So you snatched my breath, locked me up
to comfort your devils instead.

Cooking, cleaning, putting porcelain in place
Dusting, wiping, my every move was timed
"You should do it all, it's all your duty.
  I did it all for you, now you for me."
I can see it now, I was no different to your
Equity funds and market shares. If I dip down
the streets and venom would be my end.

You didn't love me Mum, yes I said it.
You loved the idea of the
perfect daughter you controlled in your head.
Good. Innocent. Obedient. Nice.
I am sorry, Mum, but a bird gotta fly
Not to be suffocated, wings snapped, in a bed of lies.
So if you wake up one morning,
Don't ask me why I am gone
The way Dad walked out, 15 years ago, on that day.

The molten kisses, blazen passion
We had. I bit my tongue and traded it in
The starry eyes you had for me. I am sorry
I lied. I did not feel the same.
I took a hammer to your heart which so
rarely
opened up for
Me. Me?
I did not deserve all the love you had for me.

So I breathed glossy, and decided to trade it in
I put on my act, shimmered and shined.
I knew my brain and beauty.Charmed far beyond
that secluded Manchester town, where
you hailed from.
I was from the city lights. I was on the brink of pyramid top.
Daddy was Sipping Moet, but not yet Perignon.
The Brink is the worst.
So I tossed you and climbed up.

I got more than I ever desired.
Diamonds big as plums. Hunting, in a wood
named after his Papa. My dog was on Tatler!
Vogue wrote about my gown.
But I knew you would need to be gone.

So in this loophole of vanity and fame, diamonds and pearls
I miss you late nights alone drenched in icy cold hearts
But I knew my choice would go, and I would miss you
tonight, yes I would. Your warmth haunts my memories.
Smile. Honey, Smile. Let your ambition and greed overpower love.
I blink
Once
Twice
I don't need warmth. I will be back to that life happy. At the break of dawn.

I closed my heart off as soon as
you made me feel like
there was a zoo in my head
the way I thought I would never feel again:

Madly
Truly
Insanely in love

But you wanted to wait. So I zipped up
and I waited.
You fell deeper, harder, crazier
I slipped further, colder, soberer

You took your time to make me feel it
The promises delivered, the kisses raw
But I was fading, I stopped craving
I started frowning at your flaws

So by the time you fall at your knees
with a ring.  I would smile and say no.
Not. at. all.
My insecurities took over way too strong
for time to prove me wrong

I took out my heart, piece by piece
from the bin and you stuck it back
fractured, cello taped, but back in one piece
And I wore it carefully on my sleeve for
them to see you were there for me.

Then it became toxic, what was cute turned into
poison. You grew sick. And I frantically
annoyed you harder, desperate
not to show what fear was driving me.

My naivety, my vain, my egos and my tears
I didn't know whether you liked them
Probably not,
Probably I promised too much to be kept up
All I know is I wouldn't show them to anyone
else, I put a wall for everyone but you to find out
I was a child and you were the plushie
ripped from me, then apart.

I was your Kitty but I am a stray cat without
a home. How can you be a stray cat with all
your diamonds and pearls? They ask.
YSL Black *****. Tiffany Collars. Cartier Bracelets.
I would give them all up.
A kitty will always be a stray cat, when without your love as her armor.

I can't write poetry anymore, I just can't
When you told me you were sick of me
Sick of love, sick of everything.
Our past. Our future. Sick of it all.

So this is how you left me.
We could have
talked. You could have told me I stepped
over the line. I could have changed.

Instead of fixing we are too used to
calling it quits.
We'd rather watch ourselves burn than
to change and compromise.

I wrapped myself up in my insecurities
Forged a knife out of it
stabbed in your  heart.
I was too caught up in my own
illusion of fun to notice you were gone

You were too used to being on top to
allow a wild animal challenge you up
You wouldn't allow your ego to bend
down to your heart

We loved like it's forever, if forever meant
59 days, countless kisses, and two broken
hearts

I paid my therapist £600 for a piece of paper
to tell me what's wrong with me.
I don't care about money, it's just a figure
like the numb large sum
Sitting in my bank account.

How you ****** me up
I dream of you,
I dream a river of red, dyed by your blood
How much I wish I hit you
with that glass, again and again, on the
back of your head, until you fall down
When you locked me in that room
And stopped me in my road.

If I had a trigger, I would have pulled it
a thousand times over. No blink.
No,
they are all wrong. "You were too slutty"
"It's because you were frivolous"
How is jeans and a hoodie frivolous?
Tell me, how is it my fault
for a man three times my age to try
ripping my clothes off
at 16 year old?

Don't you dare
manipulate me
or I swear I will ******* up so much
mentally
You will end up killing yourself

Would you want to see me, wrist slit in a tub?

I would not, but I would be indifferent.
How is it my fault? It only shows you
value death more than life.
...
Babe?
B?
Come on pick up the phone.
Stop being silly ok, I didn't want you to actually do that.
Look, stop being stupid, it's nothing.
Pick up. B?
Are you ok? I am sorry, I didn't actually mean it like that.
B? Come on, stop being a silly kitten.I love you.
Pick up the phone, please!!
B are you alright? Do you want me to come down? Please, talk.

They found her, they told me. Wrist slit in a tub.
Her lips were crimson, her hair like a black dahlia.
Her body bathing in blood,
Bright red as the girl I first met, who fell in love,
the same girl I pushed down
the cliff of death never to come back.

I don't like the way
how I have to take all the blame for arguments
How you threaten to **** me up
Until I slit my wrist in the bathtub
then tell me I am the one who stirs all the **** up

You thicken the air I breathe
In
Out
You cremated the butterflies in my stomach
That I had for you, once upon a time
Dread filled my lungs whenever you talked

Now they can't see anything wrong, you buy me
Tiffany's on the first date made love to me on the
third. Your Loro Piana goes with my dress, your
Patek Phillipe matches my Cartier.
Smile and wave
Smile on, for the camera.
Even our cat can end up on Tatler's cover

But it's faultless right? Picture perfect, look at us.
Covered it up, no no, no one must see
Your deceits and my tears, how a tornado meets
a volcano, we are falling apart.
Fear. Anxiety. Scars. You leave me burning, and I
stab a knife in your heart

I wanna quit you up.

How can you cut me off
The way you cut off a stranger
if only hours ago my poem was still about you?
How can you leave me
The way you left your keys on the counter
Careless. Clinical. Cold.

Cut the knife a little deeper, come on
Don't be shy. Look me in the eyes as you bleed
my soul dry. Did I ever love you? You me?
Marlboros lit, tears dry, bitter and blood on
my tongue the way you used to mark me

A stray cat without a home. That's how you left
me on a cold Sunday morning. How you
Broke your own heart as well as mine.
Back in the shadows, back to vacant eyes and circling
souls wanting a piece of me.
But never again you.

You said you would track me down, hunt me
Like a prey. Even strangle him at the altar
So you could keep me as your princess.
I said I would get blood on my hands, defy gravity
just to touch your face. Even use my beauty
to ******, So I could be your trophy.

"She is mad. She is poison and a wreck." My heart
was the scene of a car crash, smiling
Through burning petrol and licking off the sweat
Lipsticks on check, girl dressed up her sophistication
to the nines, eyes vacant, seducing men.

"You are nothing but a cute kitty cat."
You pricked all my thorns and scooped me up
like a baby, arms sure and powerful, eyes on me
Heart pouring out, love drowning me.
Suffocating me in a tub of something called love

You undressed me, high heels, red dress, black lace.
Luscious wanton flesh willing under your palm. You
whispered love as you made love, you marked my soul
the way you marked my body as your territory.
You found the missing piece and made me shiver as you
Made me whole again.  

Be my Harley, I will tell you all the jokes a joker can.
Be my Bonnie, I will take aim and rob your heart like Clyde
"He is a ******, and she is mad"
You took my hand, kissed me hard and bit the vows on my neck.
"For better or worse?"
"Till death do us part"

First date. Bistrot Pierre.
Your mother rang you up
"She doesn't want me to *** around, you know what, I will."
I choked on my wine.
Your eyes glittered, your lips curving
into a deliciously wicked cheeky smile

Second Date. Franca Manco.
You went to the bathroom
took your hoodie off to reveal a half sheer top
The pizza or you? I hesitated for the first time
You bit your lips, lashes curled
the blush on you dainty and delicate

Third date. My shower
You massaged my hair while laughing
"We are the weirdest couple ever"
bare lips, wet hair, your body on mine
You made me sober yet fearless as a drunkard
You made a marriagephobic crave for love
"Let's get married."

Your jaw dropped

You don't drive me crazy the way he does
You don't
Make me reckless, obsessed, sleepless
Holding something I thought would slip
But an illusion that was never there

You don't make me beg for your love
Maybe you don't
Ignore all my feelings, hide my heart under my sleeves
Making August January in one blink
Plumbing my heart into nitrogen gas

But You don't know what you did to me
The party your eyes found my figure in the crowd
the hoarse confessions of love,
Besides my ears, hot breaths and strong arms
Holding me tight even when you sleep
Burying your face in my neck, calling it home
Pulls me into the shower against you and kiss me
wet and willing, until I run out of breaths
Dinners and Carafe, collars and leashes.
The way you look at me, eyes full of love.

So if they ask me if you are my type,
whether you make my heart go mad
I would smile and say no
My heart doesn't go mad, because it found home
You are not my type, you are the love of my life

10:39:47
She should be married by now
I watched
The black hand on the white basel
tick on, reflecting my poker face
with the Patek Phillipe logo

10:41:35
Numb. Pain. Pain or numb?
It should be me, she was the one
I had her, she was mine
She likes tomato juice, miniatures
Black Louboutins in size 4 and a half
Tatler, oreo cheese Dairy Queen blizzard
Mint tea, kebab and omakase

10:42:23
Dance. Pole or Burlesque?
body rock hard, eyes on me
It should be me, down the aisle
Her lips always red, her eyes
curl up when she smiles
cat eye, plushies, flowers on fields
Books, panels, her wit sharp as knife

10:44:45
She should be walking out of church
Eyes stared at the door
I had no blue in Tiffany, red in Cartier
Blood on my hands, pyramid top
No time for her, I made it all for her
So she left me in the middle
Of an Hermes store

10:45:13
I saw her, white dress smiling
She didn't look at him
the way she looked at me
10 years ago, today, 10:45
First time I saw her, in a red dress
I opened the car door.
I crumpled my Loro Piana in the rain

10:46:34
I grabbed her, her mother screamed
Her best friend laughed, her dad sighed
The man reached for me,
I am not letting go

They call me heart breaker
But you will never know
How my heart flipped, footsteps shaking
When I saw your back
Roses. Monograms. Black Umbrella.
Warming my hands on rain-washed streets
Canal lined with silver
Cosy bistrot, and how you lit my soul up

They say my heart is broken and gone
But you will never know
How long I wanted it to last
Luscious, wanton, bodies entwined
Chest against cheek, your heart beat fast
Burying my blush in your plushie
Grinning from the bottom of my heart

They say I am cold and merciless
But you will never know
How a girl with a brain as cool as ice
Red lips. Feline eyes. Velvet dress.
But I skipped all the lords and Barons
and accidentally left the rest of my life
tucked in a condo, me in your arms
on a cold January night

I loved you in a way I
will never love someone else in
The red dress, red lips, sweating
in the tube kind of way
The hot pants, giraffe top
Carbonara at midnight kind of way
Long walks on the boulevard
by the bund
Midnight kisses in the park
Your blonde hair in the sun
Pillars at Four Seasons

I fell in love with Shanghai
It addicted me
But I don't know if I
Fell in love with the city or fell in love
with the way we were

I returned, years later
Five carat. Hyatt by the bund. Soda at midnight
They say I was drunk, they stare in awe
On top of Shanghai
I finally let you go

"You are out of his league"
I know
"You used to date football and rugby players."
I know
But haven't you seen the way he looked at me
How he dolls me up in dresses
The snuggles. Wine. Abalone and caviar.
You haven't seen the way
He waits for me with roses at the station.
Massaging me on a Friday night, ripping off
his tie to cover me with kisses.
The way he calls me "Princess" and builds me a blanket fort

So what if he is below my league
if he is the one picking out shoes for me carefully
and the one who holds me
When I cry, tears streaming down like a baby
I have a high league.
I know falcons will circle beauty.
At Davos, or maybe Boao.
But he is not out of my league, He is the league
I belong to.
Snow boots and suits through the Swiss snow.
Just to tuck me in
where my heart is at home

I can't do this.
Please
I don't have the time
But...
How many times do I have to say this?
You know I only want you!
Don't wait, date someone else.
Does that make you happy?
If it makes you happy, sure.
I asked does that make you happy!
...Please
I just can't do this.
If I am not hot enough just tell me!
It's not about you! I barely have time to eat! I don't have time!

I kissed him.
He sighed.
He grabbed my head and kissed the life out of me.

This is the last time I have time for you
Forever?
Yes.
cries
...kisses everywhere down her face
what about my birthday party?
I can't
It's my 18th...
...I can't
It's just once. the last time. Please.
I will try my best and make time for it.

I kissed him, he flipped me over and went down on me.
I screamed in pleasure.
He covered my mouth
tears down my face.

We got a love that is homeless
So on that dim lit bed.
I gave you what I had.
You took it with joy and sadness.
If there's something we would want
summarised
it would still look a lot like each other