And you run around in my world
waving your knives
declaring it was love
as you watch me die a little inside
day by day
and ask me why I try to hide

So I sit here
Tearing my heart open and
breaking myself
so I can smile at you
tears dried
gracefully poised
when it's your turn to break me

I watch you from the outside
Begging at my feet, saying again
again that you love me.
Banging on the glass. While she
throws herself on you from behind.
You couldn't notice.
You couldn't notice it was killing me.
But her eyes were looking at mine,
eyes that challenged threatened,
demanded me to give you up.

I was never loved and too afraid to fight
Running was my only vice.
I don't know how to fight her to stay back.
When you jabbed me with you smile,
"She is my best friend, baby, be nice."
So I put on a smile and my mascara,
gritted my teeth in the face of fire.

But she was always there. Quiet, lurking
snarling at me whenever you were not here.
It broke me, but you didn't care.
You saw the sweet girl in your best friend.
And your girl the crazy *****.

I loved you.
I watched you beg, banging, crying, pleading from the outside.
I ran.

I don't know how to love you
without climbing into his bed
I love you.
But I am never yours. I am nobody's

They say I got it all but I want what I cannot have.
Him. I want him. Cheating, deceitful phony. Him.
I loved him. I love him.
I told myself again and again I love you
as if to persuade an orphan to go home
but what is home?

Home is where the heart is.
But I don't have a heart
I am the beautiful pin-up doll, sweet
shallow but never yours.
I love you.
I promise I do
Until I get bored

She climbed in bed. Her luscious curves against my naked back
Naked. Curves. She was cold but hugged me tight
I pushed her away
I pushed her.
Away.
Now she is away
Her curves tight against someone else's back
Someone else's naked back
Her. Someone else.
Pain. No. No. She is mine.
MINE. MY GIRL. MY FUTURE WIFE
She is not mine. Not anymore she is not mine.

She bought me belts. Handmade Chelseas. Paisley pocket squares.
She did my tie in the morning and kissed me goodbye.
She did my tie. She leant in and did it.
Half Windsor. Blue Paisley. Cheap suit.
She tiptoed and concentrated.
Then she kissed me.
She kissed me.
Me.
But I pied her off as I was rushing.
Rushing to work. Somewhere.
Nowhere.
Nowhere to rush. Nowhere to hide.
Now she leans in every morning.
And does someone else's tie. Full windsor.
Cause he doesn't rush. He waits for her.
She does his tie.
The way she did mine

She wears a ring. Tiny diamond. On her left hand
Ring finger. Platinum band.
She used to smile and say "I am his wife".
Wife.
She was my wife.
She still smiles.
She says "I am his wife."
But he isn't me. And the diamond.
The diamond five times the size of mine.
She doesn't smile and say she is mine anymore.
She is not mine anymore.

Don't blame me father
My insatiable hunger for love and insecurities
When all you gave me was piles of paper
that I couldn't even burn to keep me warm
To melt the ice ***** you stuck in deep.

Do you remember what you did to me?

You threw me off like a burden to the fire
You drove her mad, so she hurls it out
All on me.

You laughed and told me I was mad, then
told me. **** it up. Don't tell me. Be a good daughter.
Take my money and leave.
I have all the gold but I don't know what it's like, Dad,
For a man to love me.

Don't shame me mother
For clinging onto strangers, eager to please
Shying away from you and all my responsibilities
You took all your hatred for him
And unleashed it all on me.

Did you remember what you did to me?

You wanted a daughter that wasn't me. I was too wild.
So you despised everything I loved
About me.

You said I don't ever do enough, I never please. But
I am not your puppet on a string
And you are not my priority.
I love you so much, Mum, but I am the happiest when you are
Not around me.

Have you ever felt love
course through your veins
bite into your heart
ouch
Sorry I am late, the traffic was hectic
It's ok, I look so ****. I came straight from work

You smiled at me.
Aquamarine. ***** blonde. green tartan trousers. Hardrock cafe shirt.
I smiled back.

Later of later
I fall asleep in your arms everynight.
And you wouldn't sleep unless I am in bed.
And I lay here and wonder
If this is love, what was I feeling all those years instead?