I know you 1 day and you make me feel untouchable.
****.
Ruth.
Don't fall.
Not again.

At night the thoughts linger a little bit longer.
Not like during the day....
They can play pretend in the sun.
But in the darkness they disappear.
They capture the good thoughts.
They corner them.
They take over.
The evil inside spills out.
I guess, at night things change.
At night things are free.
But not me.

I think they're all coming to terms with the fact that I'm not a kid anymore.
I can make my own choices.
I can choose who I do and don't spend my time with.
And nobody can stop me.

I think they realise that I'm not gonna stick around for much longer.
I think they can feel it in the air around me.
Because this town just doesn't fit right anymore.

The fact that you're not a daydream anymore terrifies me.
At least I had control in my own head...

Life is a beautiful condescending labyrinth of emotions. Some of us just get mixed up in between it all.
Feeling nothing.

I must sound like a complete nutcase to people I only tell small parts of my story to.
Because I swore to myself I'd never tell anyone the whole thing.

"Hey there"

"Sorry I'm so late. She held me up again."

"Oh, it's okay. It was only twenty minutes.. Today should be fun!"

"I forgot something, hold on will you?"

"of course!"
I always waited on him. He was too good to me. He treated me normal. Not like a fragile price of china about to break in a billion peices.

"there we go. If I don't text her in ten minutes she'll freak.. Sorry!"

"aww no haha, you're grand! I get it!"

We walked a little bit then turned into his salon. He shut the doors. It was way past closing time.

"what'll we do today Ruth?"

"surprise me!"

He winks at me... It's not a flirtatious kind of wink. Just a wink to say 'I'm happy you're in a good mood' that's all.

I set my stuff down behind the counter and he leads me by the arm to this dark room with sinks and shampoo in it. I sat down on a chair and he just pressed this remote control and I reclined slowly, and the chair mechanically gave me a back massage... It was flawless. The ceiling of dim lights was wonderful to look at, not too ******* my soft vision at all.

"how's the water babe?"

"huh? Yeah it's perfect!"

Wait. Did he just call me babe or?
He massaged my temples and played with my hair for what seemed like a lifetime.. Neither one of us broke the silence. It was perfect.

"c'mere let's go... I've gotta surprise you. Remember?"

So we walked out of the confined space that would be absolutely perfect for a first kiss... Which never happened.... Because obviously he's happy with his girlfriend. (NOT FINISHED!!!!!)

You're my one way ticket out of this lonely town.
You know what the best things about one way tickets are?
They're unpredictable
And right now that's exactly what I need.

I've been thinking.
I've had my sights set on that one target for so long and nothing seems to be happening.
I just can't seem to get my aim right.
But then I meet you.
And you're a much easier target to hit.
Even if you're not what I was expecting,
Taking my eye off my goal for that split second gave me the best opportunity.
To meet you.
So just remember..
When you've your sights set on something..
Don't forget to take a break and look around.
Because you never know what opportunity you're missing out on...

Goodbye hurt far too much.
Speechless to the point of no return.
A whole year.
****.

I've made a promise to myself that I'll get over you.
I won't message you.
I won't call you.
And I will try my hardest not to think about you.
I don't know how long this will last
Or if I'll just eventually forget you
The way you forgot me.
But I will try.
That is a promise I have to keep.
Because you promised to come back for me....

I guess you're getting tired of my drunk phone calls at 3am.
I guess you don't care about my slurred sentences begging
For you to come back.
And I guess you're happy laying there alone when you know I'm just breaking into peices without you to hold..

I swore to myself I wouldn't get too attached.
I promised myself I wouldn't fantasise about you.
I knew there were many many other beautiful girls.
But I didn't know you were so **** charming.
And now...
I think I may have fallen.
For that I am sorry.
See loving you is a mistake.
Letting you in was a mistake.
I made a mistake.
And for that I am sorry.

Because I can't stand the way you love her.
And her friends.
And me.
And my friends.

You can't love all those people because souls aren't made for groups. They're made for pairs.

And after you...

I don't think I can ever find someone else who I can wholly love that much ever again.

Long brown hair
Foolish eyes
Broken heart
Twisted cries

How the hell am I pretty?

I rely on self destruction as a distraction from real life.

That's not pretty.

Pretty?
Gorgeous?
Beautiful?
Lovely?
Ha!
You haven't seen what I see in the mirror at 6am.
You haven't seen these eyes wet with tears at 2am.
You haven't seen me bite my lip to keep from screaming out at 3pm.
You haven't seen anything but a picture.
Where, yes, I look relatively decent.
Big eyes.
'Happy'
Nice hair.
I spent so long trying to get it straight.
So please.
Don't compliment me until you see my rawest state.
Because that is true beauty.
Raw emotion.

I told you it was him.
I went to ****** therapy.

I told you it was school.
You let me leave.

But what I never said was that it was dad.
And the way he drinks too much.

And I never said it was you.
And me worrying about your illness.

But it's this house.
That's what drives me insane.

Because him without a bottle
And you and your broken brain..

It just doesn't work.

So I have to pretend I'm better.
Pretend I don't hurt anymore.

Because blaming him and school

Was so much easier than blaming dad and you...

We're being reckless.
Giving into temptation.
Your lips are magnetic.
Forcing mine upon yours.
Your touch is sweet.
Delicate even.
City lights shine for us.
Symbolising the spark we have.
Connection.
Desire.
Emotions.
Is this love?
Maybe.
It's the reckless kind.
The one that tears your heart out.
And leaves you breathless.
And speechless.
So conflicted.
We have 8 days.
So much could happen.
We should stop.
But being careful never enticed me.
So let's be reckless.
Let's kiss the way we did by the water.
Let's hold each other until we are one.
Let's love.

We need to be careful with our hearts.
Being reckless and sneaking out onto rooftops is fun.
And touching each other's skin is fun.
But being reckless with a heart is just cruel.
For the both of us.
Because in the long run we don't really have each other.
We just have now.
And what will happen when now passes?
Where will that leave us?
Friends.
Lovers.
Strangers.
I'd like to think that in a year passing you on a street will bring warm feelings.
Nothing bad.
But heartbreak can change people.
Being reckless is fun.
But it hurts.
We need to be careful while we're being reckless.

I'm not really myself right now.
And anybody I'm close to at this moment needs to understand that.
I will change.
Not quite into who I once was.
That girl is gone.
But I will definitely not stay unknowing forever.
I don't like the version of myself I have found now.
I don't like having to survive on self destruction.
I'm sorry for that.
I want to change.
I just don't know how to right now..

You're haunting me again.
I returned to our rooftop today.
The rain still hasn't washed us away.
If we had of gone to the beach,
Maybe I would be lucky.
Maybe the waves would take my memories far away.
But once upon a rooftop happened.
And I can't shake our ghosts from that place.
The sound of our deep breathing remains.
I feel your soul wrap around mine,
When I sit against that wall.
Tears spill out for you.
Maybe they're trying to erase us too.

It's not that you don't look perfect from down here.
It's just..
The rooftops in big cities are always so beautiful.
And I'd love for our surroundings to be as beautiful as your gorgeous lips, hair, smile, eyes, body.
I just want everything to be beautiful tonight.
And on the ground we can only imagine the skyline.
Now. Tell me.
How do we get up onto that rooftop?

Before you get to know me
Let me tell you something.
I've made plans
To make plans
About making plans.
But I'm getting tired of that version of myself.
So before you get to know me.
Here's to never making plans.
We will do crazy things.
Or maybe we'll just sit on your couch.
And we'll go with the wind and see where we end up.
So before you get to know me...
Know that I'm not going to stay the same.
And I'm going to take all kinds of crazy risks.
I just don't care anymore.
Society can go **** itself.
And all of its stupid plans.

I think if I woke up next to you
I'd beg to runaway.

He feels the exact same way.
Only he's been feeling it from the 29th of June, rather than the 27th.
Holy ****.
He's renting a private room so we can spend days doing whatever we like.
This love doesn't appeal to parents,
And this love doesn't appeal to many..
But this love is real.
And I don't care what anyone else has to say.

I know.
And I'm so sorry.
But I can be your friend.

Waking up to your beautiful face in the form of a virtual message gives me a thrill.
But waking up to your beautiful face right beside me, eyes closed, murmuring sleepy whispers...
That's paradise.

Im sorry I don't make sense all the time.
Sometimes I get lost in flashbacks or daydreams.
I kind of prefer being anywhere but in my own mind.
Sorry if that makes me hard to understand.
People aren't used to my unusually honest rambles.

It just occurred to me that these eight days are going to fly.
And then I'm gonna leave.
Well you'll leave and I'll be stuck here.
In my 9 to 5 job.
While you taste every inch of the world without me.
God.
I don't want that at all.
I want you.
All of you.
And I want to taste every inch of the world with you.

But that's not reality.
September will come and go.
My plane ticket out of here is €700
That's a good few pay cheques.
And what if when I get there,
if I get there.
You don't love me anymore.
You found someone new.
You tasted something better than a pretty Irish girl.

These doubts are killing me.

I can't walk these streets without being reminded of our ghosts travelling hand in hand along the darkness.
You haunt this city.

She is perfect.
Flawless.
Not like me.
She's able to give you the world.
Every bit of it.
I'm sorry I can't.
I can, however, give you every piece of me.
I'll let you break every inch of my heart.
Over and over again.
She would never annoy you.
She is everything you need.
She has the time.
So do I.
But you can't see that.
God. She's so perfect.
And I'm just.....
Well I'm just a girl.
Caught up in the idea of us.

I'm going to meet the Australian I had drinks with on Friday right now.
I haven't felt these kind of butterflies in a good year or so.
Wish me luck.
Aghhh.

You were nobody's regular Starbucks.
Not ridiculously expensive for some ****** fancy named coffee.
You were more like a vintage Italian expresso.
And I would search every corner of the world for you.
If it meant I could have one last sip.

Two years ago the shower was a refuge.
A place away from my thoughts.
It was relaxing.

But it's become a hell.
The scalding water burns out my cries
And the blades sit neatly on the edge.

Crying in the shower is easy.
Probably because I can't feel exactly how much of my heart is breaking.

I can't feel how much salted sadness is falling from my eyes.
But I feel it in my heart.

I feel heavy.
My knees go weak and I must scramble to the floor.

There I curl up into my scarred body and make marks with razors where your hands used to be.

What the hell have you done?

I can't name or count how many guys I've looked at approvingly thinking 'I'd love to **** him' or whatever people say when they give that approving eye glance and nod thing. Of course I do it. All the time. I'm eighteen for gods sake. I can look!

However,

I can count all the guys I've genuinely fancied on both hands.

I can count the guys I've really liked on one hand.

I can count the guys I've kissed on *******.

I can count the guys I've actually called my boyfriend on one finger.

But that is not the man I love.

None of them are.

Because he's not a statistic.

He's a part of my soul.

Forgetting to be careful.
The most reckless thing I've done.
Forgetting to have mercy.
On this heart of stone.
You smashed right through the surface,
Unsealing all the cracks.
This heartache, like no other.
When are you coming back?

I never knew you had a mean side.
Wow.
That hurts.
Seeing you angry with me..
Sort of terrifies me.
I have to stop apologising.

I never really put much thought into love.
I figured it was something imaginary.
Parents say I love you.
But then they scream at each other behind slammed doors.
Boys tell you they love you to get in your pants.
Girls seem to love everything whether it's fluffy, pretty or just **** attractive.

I've never been one to believe in it all.
It never made much sense.
Always a meaningless word.
Signifying as little as four simple letters.

But then I met you.
And it may have been a sunny day.
And everyone may have been in high spirits.
But we walked.
And we talked.
And I think I felt our souls bounce off each other.
Like they were old friends reconnecting.
Catching up.
Yet you were totally new.

And two days.
Two days is all it took for my soul to understand that it found its long lost friend.
But then we were separated again.
And our souls are struggling to stay in touch.

But I feel deep down that you're not gonna be gone long.
We'll see each other again.
And we'll be Soulmates.
And I know for a fact I will run anywhere with you.

Because the feeling I get when I'm with you.
It's as if those four empty letters are full at last.
And they're full to capacity.
I know it's not lust.
I feel it in my soul.
This is love.

We've both got tired eyes
But you've seen the world in all shades of black and white
While I stay in this town
Counting days till you're back around

Oh the airport rooms are lonely now
The dimming street lights seem burned out
And letters for you are stacked up high
Writing comes too easy at night

Cause I know that you'll come back
Your tired soul will find mine once again
And darlin we can be happy together
Cause I know with you I'd run wherever

It's breaking my heart watching us sink
And staying in touch is harder than we think
.....?

But lonely lives keep finding each other
And I boarded my flight while you got another 
And I'm breaking apart
To know that you're away
And it's crushing me up
Cause you couldn't stay..

I wish you would have left a little part of yourself here.
Something to remind me you actually happened.
That you weren't just a beautiful daydream.
I wish you could have stayed.

I'm speechless.
Tonight was perfect.
City lights.
Sneaking out.
Forbidden kisses.
Perfection.
Your lips.
My lips.
Your body.
My body.
We are one.
Speechless.

The ceiling seems to be spinning.
The way my heart unravelled itself the day you left.
The ceiling hasn't stopped spinning.

I'm going crazy
Sleepless since the night you betrayed me
Like a movie in my mind it keeps playing

It's too late the damage is done
Leave me up half the night like a re run
I think in going insane
And my heart is breaking

I've got you stuck on replay..
You're stuck on replay..

The suffocation of my thoughts in my chest make it hard for me to take those much needed deep breaths

Everyone that matters to me forgot about my birthday...

It's okay though.

I probably won't have another...

I never used to believe it.
Pennys that bring good luck.
Black cats that make you weep.
Something about mirrors.

But now.

Now I understand it.
Because dreams, and wishes, and all the other *******.
It's real.
And crazy thing is..
I've experienced it.

Maybe it was a completely backwards way.
And maybe whoevers in charge of all that crap got confused.
But I found you.
And you weren't exactly who I had in mind.
But you seem to be better than what I thought I deserved.

So now I make 11.11 wishes.
And I pick up those ***** coins and count to 3 and make a wish.
And I don't try smash mirrors anymore.
You've shown me love is real.
That movie. Heartfelt. Real love.

I can't have it anymore.
I don't want it.
Just take it.
Take it away.

Town was packed.
But today was a good day.
I noticed you as you put your guitar down from a long hard days work.
We said hello.
I have no idea who you are but something about you makes me feel a certain kind of way.
We start talking, I asked when you were playing next.
You said in 5 minutes.
Great.
Wait.
Where?
Oh another street in Dublin?
Awesome, I'll come.
We walked and talked a bit about ourselves.
You were from Australia.
Halfway over the other side of the world.
We sat in that old coffee shop/pub.
Wait weren't you supposed to be playing again?
We talked for almost two hours.
Then we went our separate ways.
You go back to tour on Monday.
But you invite me to see you again on Sunday....
I don't know much..
But I know I will be writing about you for quite some time..

Have you ever had that stomach churning, hurricane kind of love?
The kind that makes you stand on your bed at 3am shaking your hair and your head and wiping your face with excitement filled hands.
Have you ever loved someone so much that they begin to slowly invade your thoughts and all the bits in between?
I've had that kind of love only once.
And it's the best kind of love.

Tuesday.
Cold.
Dark.
I was worried.
That gut wrenching feeling tangled my insides together so tightly.
'let's take a walk'
Oh no.
What did I do.
What did I say.
'here, Ruth....'
That's my name.
What happened babe?
'I'm sorry.'
No. No. No.
Speak.
Your voice.
Use it.
Why.
What.
'I can't do this anymore.'
What.
'I love her'
Who.
'we've been together a few months.'
Liar.
'I don't want to cheat.'
Did you ever love me.
'you changed.'
I cut myself.
'you're not as happy'
Of course not.
'I can't take it.'
Okay.
Then it was over.
Everything.
Gone.
The only reason I'd held on to life.
Eight months.
Disappeared.
My heart was numb for a second.
That gave me the power to walk away.
But in just a second,
It smashed.
Into a billion little peices.
Walking hurt.
Crying hurt.
The bathroom floor was cold.
I was that girl.
Alone.
On the ground.
Broken.
Then I found shelter in something I'd only ever tried rarely.
The sharp jagged metal launched by my very own fingers caressed my wrist just enough so I could distract myself.
He ******* destroyed me.
And my body.
And my soul.
And my mind.