How many masks did I tear off their faces?
I've already lost count.
Of ****** faces and bruised eyes.
There's no heaven where I'm going.

Do they still breath I wonder.
Will they be happy?
Can I see them, my afflictions.
Will they find solace in my suffering?

The pain I feel.
It's all in my head.
The guilt of ******.
The pain of abandon.

Remind me in a park why you left.
So I can walk my own trail once more.

Sometimes the wind blows past my face.
And I ask myself "How come my dress won't fit me?"

Sometimes the bath water is cool.
And I ask myself "When will my job get easier?"

Sometimes I destroy old pictures.
And I ask myself "Will my brother be able to handle his responsibility?"

Sometimes lights scatter on my slender figure.
And I tell myself "I think I should draw now."

Sometimes people say things about being a happy person.
And I prepare myself "Work starts early tomorrow, I'll go earlier."

Sometimes I need to feel something.
And I state facts myself "That driver is a terrible driver, but I'm a good driver"

Sometimes the drugs i do make people ashamed to know me.
And I whisper to myself "Everyone around me is so stupid."

Sometimes people take advantage of my kind nature.
And I scream at myself "Ugh! Why is work so unbelievably inefficient."

Sometimes I remember I came from a broken home.
And my lungs burn with ash "But I'm trying to quit."

Sometimes I hide my darkest secrets of people who betrayed me.
And I wail at the ceiling "God this night is fun!"

Sometimes I dream about a life where I'm happy.
And I tell myself from the bottom of my heart "I'm happy to be who I am."

Sometimes I think about ending my life.
And I tell my friends "I need time and space to get better."

Sometimes I cry for no reason.
And my heart speaks to me "It'll pass."

Sometimes I remember my heart has been frozen for  decade.
And I pridefully spout "I wouldn't have it any other way."

Sometimes my nightmares give me anxiety attacks.
And I think "I need a warm shower to relax."

But tomorrow, after the dreams I can't handle have passed.
I'll forget a few more sad thing I've had done to me and have done to others.
And I'll echo the words of others to show them how stupid they are.
My heart will remain frozen to keep the few things I like about myself. Forget, forget, forget the memories that caused me so much pain. It's my only choice. Love, hate, pain, all of it has to go.
-------------------------------------------------------------­------------------------
Sometimes I think I'm broken.
And I have been broken many times.
And know he should have picked me.
Because I'm better.

Because I can control myself.

Stanley crawled along the shore
Holding the ocean in his hand
Bearing the words "Nevermore"
He was quite justifiably mad.

He had without, a coin to his name.
Nor the age of someone wiser.
Stanely, without thinking met a dame.
Who shared his love of a ****** writer.

I refrain from telling you so thusly.
But I authored this text thinking of me.
In my room, on a bed.
Too bad no one likes reading about poor people.

Stanelys dame had given him hope.
And tore it slowly without a sound.
Crushing, to his very soul.
He refused to swim, preferring to drown.

But I dare not say where stanely ends.
Or where his story dared to lead.
He did not drown within those depths.
How poetic that must have been.

Stanely looked upon the beach.
Feeling four winds at his heels.
His writers note had overreached.
And stanely cried, forgetting that girl.

Pain is not evil, pain is not good.
He is the coldness of the wind upon your warm skin.
The breaths you can't take as you sink into numbness and drown.
A water soaked corpse who jumped into absolution.

Pain is acceptance of your flaws.
He is the blame that you take upon yourself.
The thought of a better life without you.
A final realization that change is impossible.

Pain is the actions you were too afraid to take.
He is the last gasp of you crying unheard screams for help.
The unseen hands that bind you into this pitiful place.
A spectral dream that plagues your subconscious.

Pain is your loss and existence.
He is the love you no longer have and the torment you felt.
The dark blood scented future stained in tears.
A lonely woman who walks in the dark.

Pain is the changes you don't want.
He is the audience that watches you go through this hell.
The many who see and avoid your freakshow
A god who overlooks your unnoticed suffering.

Pain is the hurt you cause.
He is the reasons you delude yourself with to stop believing you're a monster.
The ruination of your good intentions and newfound self loathing.
A disease that spreads to those around you.

Pain is disapointment
He is the object that fails to reach expectations.
The means that don't justify the ends.
A lie that is revealed.

Pain is entering this life
He is your insecurities and misunderstanding.
The deprivation of something you never had.
A lust and desire for more.

Before you, there was no pain.
After you is just the same.

I am a curious *****.
Watching in the waking moments of the morn
Reading with a certain desperation only a stalker could provide
I have an interest in you, let me delve deep into your soul

I watch you speak, I read your poetry in a desperate attempt to form a connection
The more knowledge I atain, my heart is a flutter.
Blackmail, Feelings and shortening emotional distance
"Haha, I think its cute too."

This is it. This is a person I want in my life.
I search for a way to meet you when suddenly, a thought occurs.

Alas. Nothing of interest.
What a disappointment.
In this, the para-social relationship.
My love turns to disdain.

I stare into the veiled facade the public sees.
My heart chills ever colder.
I stand here, adjacent to my desk staring into the black onyx night.
My admiration melts into hate.
Celebrities are so impersonal.
Die and leave me your music.
Maybe then sleep will no longer be seldom.

I understand the feeling of nothing
I understand that the oceans are homes to millions of aquatic life
I understand that when a baby is born, a new life is given into this world
I understand the theory of observation states how we look at things, changes what they are
I understand god loves us
I understand we can live again, over and over every time we die
I understand the love we can receive
I understand lives can be saved
I understand people can be united for a common cause
I understand your will can go on, through the memories of others
I understand life is a gift
I don't understand whether there is meaning in any of these things
Is this poem meaningful?

Candy cane body under lustrous fluorescent lights.
Energy saving bulb and its saving us tonight.
Her hearts brought out rusted like a trophy on display.
Begging you to be taken out far and far away.

Overtly smoking days till you forget who we are.
Our family is beginning to break the walls of the reservoir
And your face is looking back peering harshly into me.
The topology of your tears trace back thunderous raging seas.

Keep on my face hard while I keep unto every night.
Drink back painful memories with prickled sweet delight.
Leer into my soul like the devils bill is close to due.
***** eyes moor under a savory callous moon.

Laugh the pain and enjoy while your senses rot away
Bake every morning naked burning oven made chocolate cake.
Spite life with all its misery and drink away the fights.
Humbug sweetness finally breaks you down into a cry.

Kinder eyes that conceal misery unable to behold.
Feel the window pane as it strikes you deep dying inside and cold.
Outside the lawn is cut it resembles well your self esteem.
And who did cut this lawn but your tepid need to so clean.

The walls are painted white to reflect the light we have inside.
Paint them black, fall into silence you're a specter in the night.
Your falling into numbness within inches of your life.
And I watch.
And I watch

Hold me like your life has always depended on it.
Because now it always has.
Life is for the living but we won't die here like they said we have.
It looks bleak from here on out and your train is coming in.
Promise me there won't be any more happiness again.

And you look outwards.
Deep into my eyes.
You don't see it in my face but the moon is here tonight.
Its right behind you there like a incandescent fluorescent light.
The mountains scream upon us to rejoin them in the forest there and die.

I keep upon your face as the last hour chases by.
He's in a robbers outfit sown black and white striped.
The policeman is here as I wake up to that painful glorious and bright.
Sun in the sky he's here to tell us off for our sin.
Regret and feel at the pain and again into your binge.
Drink into your sorrow as you try and hide the pain.
Feel at the abuse that haunts you here and every day.
How dare we live in this world where people are trying to forget.
And awful memories cascade down my face, you're still a statuette.
I look into the sky and see the moon laugh down at me.
He's still up at this time, it's almost 10 o'three.

I break into a bottle and you break into a frown.
That painful face edging ever so close to breaking down.
There's no one here but us and the wind making noise at this hour.
So crank up the music before the mood turns a dainty sour.
But don't cry.

Coated white in a black hall, I sit.
Bonded into this macrocosm bleach.
We are in motion.
Bounding through rough terrain.

Knots of terror swell like sunspots ready to flare.
Carry on, until the day is through.
I sigh and dedicate the universe to solve an insignificant issue.
A thankless job, I'm sure.

The seconds move outward as I muddle forward.
The price of gas is increasing.
Watch, my friend is melding into a tonalist canvas.
I guess he can make a family now.

Greet, Handshake, Impression, Tone, Work, Enjoy, Laugh, Graceful exit.
Calibrate, vice, heat, bend, join, twist, paint.
Right, Left, Stagger, Fall, Crawl, Crouch, Right, Left.
Grieve for the piece of your soul you left with her.

In the end, here I am.
Most people seem to like me.
And I ***** my next relationship.
How can it elevate my position?
How can I use this experience to defend myself.
How far will I see this out?
I wonder if Latisha will come back.

And I meander through the underbrush of my empty field.
This grey nothingness.
As everyone else slowly leaves me behind to pursue their friends.
And I press on forward, even if alone.
To the font of knowledge to repair my broken heart.

Smokes and cigarette cartons all about the place.
Empty milk bottles and their stench brings back the taste.
My hell in the sky, bring my body back home to come and play.
Mommy, are you busy dying, I'm a little hungry today.

Sadistic little me, fancy sitting on a chair.
Crazy big you with the damp and messy hair.
Will you give me your attention, I can't make out your expression,
Over there?
I love you, please light up so I can sit and
Stare.

Kick down the door, it's gotten much harder to keep our spirits up.
I can tell that after this evening your a little down on feeding us.
You can't stand to see yourself and I treated here this way.
Could you tell me where you hid my toys, I'm a little bored today.

But it's hot outside.
and your skins turned pale.
He's off at work after beating you this morning and freshly out of jail.
Bruises clout your eyes as I remember everything.
We've been in this house since I can't remember when.

And I remember. I remember it all.
I remember when the bloodstains pooled and stained our kitchen floor.
I remember when your screams crept in and ran about the room.
I remember peeking through the doorway to see what had happened to you.

I remember.
I remember where we stand.
And I remember to this day, taking you there, hand in hand.
My other hand on my bottle, yours covering your face.
I remember those little words that i had spoke to you that day.

"Mom, the toast is done."

And like that, it all fell into a dream.
Life began to course that way into a ****** seem.
He walked out and you fell to the ground without much to say.
They came to the house and took me far and far away.
Life had then forgotten you and broke into your house.
He shot you without prerogative and let you bleed out.
Oh mother, answer me how can anyone get through this pain.
You lived another day just to take leave anyway.
You broke down.
In tears when you saw me again.
I put to you that I would always love you to the end.
It was 8 years later from when the toast had finished cooking that day.
You took to the bed at dinner, and your bible to go and pray.
And I felt your embrace smother me with warmth through out.
You were skint with your money and very prone when angry to shout.
Only fair to say I could see you crumble a little more each day.
Till the funny farm took you in and drugged your ****** mind astray.

Now I pray, only to myself.
That I won't leave your love at the doorstep and take it without doubt.
You may be more damaged heartland that failed to believe.
I find it difficult to find inside a heart for me.

And we broke out.
We broke into a fight.
Every word  I punctured further into you as the moon into the night.
I should have kept going I should have broke your spirit down.
I never should have pity for that heart you swing about.
Now I have a brother who was in the position I was in.
Now your bruised and he's telling you to be sure make for him.

"Mom, the toast is done."

Wilting roses scattered across a broken sea
What I would give to have you next to me
Motionlessly drifting, breaking down the last door of sanity
The final solution. To cut off all ties to the unknowingly accused
A corrupt judge refuses bail
The jury has been overruled
A longing within writing
A means to an end
new heart aspires
So this one is dead
With the fragments of time
Nothing could have changed
Taking solace within the plume that is sadness
A sparkle of hope, exists within indecision
This is my omen
This is your hope
Bring me strength, laying in a basket
An unavoidable fall
Time has it's place, wearing away at that infinite
Causing pain as it tears at our hearts
Bring me to the blackness
Leave me in the light
Ground up this feeling
Start anew
Leave all regrets

Break away

****** words paint the flowers a crimson red.
A dove recites the end of all mankind.
Rounding out his edges and sharpening his knives.
Amorous lovers ride the wave of life.
Heart worms my body still tries to burn away.

Kindly, I delude god and myself into a dream.
Every mindless prayer, my secrets scream.
And only my love remains.
To this day, he accepts the woman he lost.
Opals eyes that cry remorse.
No reply.

I can live without the friends I knew.

And each and every missing piece.
Morose taxidermist lives her dreams.

Sullen chords play the lonely song.
And I tell myself that I am strong.
Do the roses in your garden look pretty?

A glaring crimson moon shines across the desolate ocean.
Upon an iceberg lay painful memories of love and the pain it wrought.
Given a heading the shadow of a man sails dead forgotten seas.
No hope.
No blue skies.
Phantoms of past forever haunt him, only to find their woes and cries falling on deaf ears.
He no longer listens because he no longer feels.
Dead inside his corpse lives on.
In this realm of nothing, he is god.
A name he forgot long ago.
A past experience torments him.
No longer is his life his own, it is merely a trinket of no value.
Bathe in the crimson reflection on the water.
In nothing, a serene end.

If I really wanted to.. This kingdom.
This loving happy abode of friendships I have.
I could expand it and find more that would become my family.
My friends could intertwine themselves, making more friendships.
I would spend all my time helping and depending on those I love.
Every heart to which I feel connected and every hand I could hold.
And if I wanted.. I could destroy it all.
To every resident that I love and admire, I could take a hammer and destroy the chains that bind us.
Those loving hands that held me would freeze as they got close and felt my coldness.
The floors would become dust that seeps into the ground causing everyone inside to fall.
Wall and ceilings would crumble and crash into the residents as my words become fists striking them down.
From the rubble there would be nothing but corpses and expected.
Survivors once  loved and respected will feel only asphyxiation as I choke their soul.
Being a friend.. One part of it is trusting that the other won't leave you. If that is the test of friendship, that is a test that I fail.
People move out from my circle of friends without telling me and it makes me.. Foolish and less trusting
From the rubble I will emerge soaked in blood and tears. I will plead with god to end my tedious servitude of being human.
Thereon and after I will no longer exist. A new Ramon will appear from the debris and newly formed graveyard.
I am intoxicated with this feeling.
The strength to negate all that I feel.
Psychopath. The title suits me well.

I put my face upon my pillow to feel the coldness.
A face always prepared but unwilling to cry.
Only in my dreams do I see her again.
My human side displays itself through the haze of sarcasm.

They had stripped me of my walls.
My first real friends.
I miss them so, now they have vanished.
Leaving me to live out this nightmarish life.

If only you could feel my heart.
The piece of me that has been torn and ripped apart.
I find myself living out this empty life.
Back into the abyss of misery and pain.

Why am I living? I ask myself and close my eyes.
Time to fall into the ecstasy of her heavenly arms.
A life lived fighting the world in my solemn way.
She helps me forget myself.

We dance in the heavens as angels look upon us in awe.
Prancing among the columns, we keep each other jovial.
Nevermore will those frozen words "au revoir" be spoken.
Her eyes shine in so many colours and disappear into the blackness.

Now the birds chirp a hymn of sorrow.
They took away my love.
If only she would return and tell me a lame joke.
Maybe just for a brief second I wouldn't feel alone anymore.

Every night I chase them.
Feelings so close to me.
Will I ever escape from this miasma of broken dreams?

My life is now a picture.
My tears are now a lie.
Reminded through my faultless mind of why I want to die.

No longer can i flee.
Walls are closing in on me.
A thousand fists, a million tears that meld into my skin.
I am no one but you who made the hate I garner within.

Hold me to feel a thousand memories of pain that are now one.
Nuance me with your shun.
The course of mine that runs.
Hide with your conspirators deep inside the temple.
You are my personal devil.
In my head I feel you revel.

Like all before you look away in fear of what I have become.
To you I could be your love.
To me I see no one.
Emptiness and life are my drug.
My eternal bane.
My pleasure an my pain.

Touch me to see everything you love all fall as one.
I am a curse.
A poison.
The failed volume of an author.
Progenitor to a slaughter.
The blood mixed in your water.

Reason and logic keep me from losing control of this.
This body I feel not mine.
The circus of my life.
I am the prized freakshow, the star of my own hell.
All the lesser sideshows look unto me and want.
The king of everything I hate.
Disappear.

It was you.
You whom drew the blood of the universe and held it in your hand.
Painstakingly slicing glass across your wrist.

The affinity of terror.
Tears shining in the moonlight.
A heart shielded by memorials of the lost.

Archaism of culture.
Granting you the gift of hope.
Your spirit cries out for the truth, only to be given doubtful beliefs.

In your darkest times, I am your light.
Absolute and sincere.
The epitome of content.

In the light of freedom, I am your foreshadow.
Cynical and cruel
Binding your wings to keep you close.

Fly free with all your love.
Above me, away strong eagle.
Stay high, maybe in time.
You'll want to be mine.

He grabbed his garment, soft yet abrasive.
It reminded him of her, the sound on a cool lit night.
His hands on her neck, the sweat and tears pouring from his eyes.
She made such a good sweater.

He thought back to his wife whom he now wore.
He didn't know why he felt bad.
Maybe he just didn't think it through.
Was this wrong? A regretful act?

She was with him always but her comfort was gone.
Her lips were now lifeless, beautiful but without feeling.
He kissed and felt death, it felt comforting but not like her.
It was an action that could never be taken back

He took the  knife he used to carve.
Tears and sweat once again pouring from his eyes.
"I'm so stupid' His last words were spoken
As he disrobed the garment for the last time.

My love like rain brings sorrow and sadness
All that I hoped has crumbled in ashes.
Finite the years I have to my own.
Forever this memory of which I had sown.
Asunder you tear my heart in twain.
A hole in my soul, my body is bane.
Insane.
Without thinking I drove her away.
Without meaning, put her in pain.
Without dreaming, relinquished our bond.
And so ends this most frightful endeavor.
Forever. Betwixt blanket and bed sheet.
I dream again.

Caressing, loneliness comforts my hand.
To my heart, a scar of love left undone.
Thereafter pain fades with light of the sun.
Clutching my chest, a reminder eternal.
The light without you a dim foreshadow.
Behind eyes of green tinted with blue.
I stand on a hearth, my mind made askew.
Fires and feelings lost in with the blackness.
I await another who can love me and my madness.
Lost. Between sky and storm.
I dream again.

To be a man, is to face your fears everyday.
Carry this meat suit in a dignified fashion.
Question life and its maelstrom of sorrow.
Forgive the failures of others.

To be a man, is to protect your friends.
Hide your disgust at others happiness.
Move unnoticed through a crowd of people who struggle everyday.
Find, laugh and be merry with your best friends.

To be a man, is to know thine enemy.
Prepare for your future trials by training the body.
Always mistrust the ones you love.
Pretend to feel empathy and recognize their true intentions.

To be a man, is to control your violent impulses.
Never acknowledge the visions of killing that you see.
Hold back the feeling of tears when spoken kindly to.
Never help the destitute.

And when I stop being a man.
And the facade finally breaks.
And the families who stabbed me in the back, come for more.
And when everyone has quietly left me.
And I am now the destitute.
I cradle my body.
And tremble alone.

Smoke Blazing up a chimney.
The smell of a lovely stew.
He sits all alone, on a cobblestone home.
The man who sits on the roof.

The house colored red.
Standing as high as it could.
The paint peeling slightly.
This home holding furniture of wood.

There is food on the table.
Heat in the lounge.
Games to be played and merry to be found.
So why does he sit, content to be fit with sitting alone on the roof?

The moonlight does show a story of love.
Of loss, of regain.
Of tempestuous and shame.
Oh what a sight to behold, to the story of the man sitting on the roof.

Once there were One, then there was Two.
Three came in later, Four came in tune.
With One and the Two, they fell and were swoon.
"Tis love! Tis love!" A bearing of fruit.

One soon fell ill and started to fade.
Two could not bear, to see lovers wear.
Hearts were weeping like beggars on the streets.
"Don't leave, I need you." Pain bringing need.

One soon improved and Two with her love.
A love so intense, their hearts merged a whole.
A child they bore, and a home they had made.
A story of woe, of sorrow of pain.

Years they stayed as true as the moon.
Two loved One, and one truly loved Two.
Together they make an incredible couple.
No hate, no pain nor tears nor trouble.

Two made a stew, One lit a fire.
No words as they awaited their hearts and desire.
Missing, a piece of Ones heart led astray.
Not expecting to hear what she heard that day.

The child came home from a party that night.
He spoke tenaciously "Somethings odd alright.
There's a guy up there, just waiting and all."

Approaching the door, Two went in a huff.
One lowered her eyes and thought of the past.
Two left through the entrance and looked up to the roof.
His sight at that time, left him aghast.

In the silhouette of the moon. He sits in attune.
The man who is sitting, alone.
Twiddling his thumbs, Hoping when the time comes.
He will live in this house, content as a mouse.
With a love he had lost.
Out of the frost.
This man freezing with no one one to help.
He is the Three sitting, waiting on the roof.

Hey, I'm your ex.
It's been a really long time since I talked to you.
How are you doing? What has your day been like?
Do you think you'll want kids soon?

I've been doing hard of it.
I don't think my days can continue as they are.
It feels like no matter how much I try to change.
I can't quite move from where I start.

The weird part is, you don't know me.
I was an abusive ***.
And right now where I am, I can't reconcile him.
Who you fell in love with from the past.

But I'm still your ex and I miss you.
I wish we could talk a little more.
I never did quite get over you.
Though, what you did rattled me to my core.

But I don't blame you.
I have long since moved on from that day.
I thought you still loved me, and, well, I was wrong.
I have never been able to trust what people say.

I've tried to get in contact.
My messages to you receive no reception.
Scores of poetry line a man with a traumatic past.
Who never received, even an ounce, of physical affection.

My actions are still respecting your wishes.
When you wanted to cut me off.
You told me so, to leave you forever.
Divide the sea from the whorf.

I looked over some old messages from you.
Its really frightening how I had put on such airs.
I never trusted you, but I grew to, somewhat.
It's a shame I couldn't give you my soul to bare.

I never meant for it to be this way.
I feel like I couldn't have done any better, anyway.
And I'm just telling you, as I had before.
The man you knew, is not the man I am today.

He is so far divorced from his honest feelings, he can barely grasp them.
He is so stressed by his past, he can never confide in.
He is so untrusting of his relationships, he could never partake with.
And he certainly didn't receive the help he needed, as it would always deride him.

As I struggle through my recovery, I can't help but miss you.
Well I always have.
I wish things weren't the way they were.
They do make me very sad.

And they remind me of all my betrayals I ever felt.
Not that I made it easy.
And for you, I certainly did not.
My hopes were dashed that you would ever see me.

I'm not a bad guy, I'm not a good guy.
But I try my best, always to be honest.
I think if you knew me, as I am now.
You would know, to love you always I have kept my promise.

But being kind isn't all that special.
And being deep isn't all that rare.
And these qualities of me now, you found somewhere else.
And so this regretful loneliness I bare.

The sun rose out among verdant still hills.
High peaks, forests and earth stole their eyes away from this charade.
Strands of light refuse to illuminate me.
As the the play proceeds with divine authority.

Each bird is standing on its feet and spreading its wings.
Tigers brandish guns at their young, unaware of the anguish hungrily stalking behind.
And the men with hearts of black gold walk away with their heads down.
As we are all eaten away by ignorance.

The hands of fate stitch together a torn garment of time.
Embroidering its history of suffering.
But the answer to your questions won't be found in gods clothes.
There's a lot more suffocating water in this ocean than treasure.

But your heart withstood the weight of it all.
And its callouses grew over their shadows left behind.
But when it beats, I can still hear the screams
Of your abandonment.

I see you happy.
Flowers smile at the sight of a woman and her child.
God is proud of his world, as the angels smile.
I brace my chest and growl the pain away.

I see you eager.
Infecting others with a desire to please.
Breeze, the love you spread fills minds with ease.
I ball up my fists and dig my own nails into my hands.

I see you care.
The smile you give, the hand you extend. I could never repay such kindness again.
Forever I am lost, lost and in love. With a taken woman.
My scowl answers your extended hand.

I see you go.
And I tear every memory of you from my heart, and write it into a poem.

I wrote a letter to you once and asked you if you loved me.
I forged a letter that said I'd love you to the end.
Grassy beaches and giving trees.
A mourner crying on his knees.
To the wife who told him "I do."

Faster than a moving train, unpredictable like the acid rain.
A tragedy I knew would come, but I prayed.
I prayed.
I prayed for it to hit me swift. A gentle nudge off a cliff.
But before I fell and broke my heart.
I prayed, to be loved.

In this world we live in people don't get what they deserve, they get what they get. We live in chaos and trying to add fairness and routine in our lives just give us a false sense safety and security. Being fair will not make you happy, selfishness and getting what you want will.

Screams echo madly.

To my silly little dream.

Falling teeth and eating phones.

I put the snooze on a hold.

Betraying all my friends tonight.

This dream will never be alive.

So dance madly and chaotic.

Dreams that last like a narcotic.

The caricature of a me.

Drowning and crying in the sea.

Playing soccer on the field.

Former lovers leave concealed.

From your smile to a frown.

The last breath before you drown.

But I see that everything.

Merely a silly little dream.

Crying tears, abundant tears.

As I wake up from my dream.

And feel my heart crunch.

Nevermore will the sun set on the day.
Dreamy blue skies smile, unveil and show mans dreams.
As your wafty blond hair lay woven between my fingers.

Sweetest god gifted to me, temptation.
I trust in the you that watches me.
Golden gates, your smile greets the world.

Knife edges, wounds and scars disappear.
The me that watches you is lost in those eyes.
Lay across the ground. Stare up into those broken dreams.

As the ground falls away, let me catch you heart and soul.
Nevermore to drown alone.
God kisses your sullen cheek, as the you that watches weeps.
Love, could I ever really compete? To the you who watches.
I will smile through each hardship, just so you can too.

Emptying out my heart into a pool of nothingness.
Hubris I was to think you would be mine.
Your light casts me as a shadow of a person.
A ghost.
Empty.
The choir sings a deathly hymn of sorrow.
Scatter me as I break apart.
Cast my love into the abyss of despair.
Crush this feeling till only a dark memory remains.

To you, the one who is useless at everything.
To you, the one who is weak in front of everyone.
To you, the one who is despicable.
To you, the one who has no true friends.
To you, the one who is truly unique.

You will lose and you will fail over and over again.
You were not born with the things others have.
You will need to obtain them with your own hands.
And even when you do, even when you've struggled pathetically.
You will still be, just you.

From where did I come from?
From whence did I arrive.
Was I 3, 4, 5, or 6 when my eyes could see things weren't alright.
Did the earth put me here to brings peace?
Does the bird think about its past nest.
Will the sea rise.
The sun explode.
And to where do I put my parents to rest?
Will I regale my children with tales of valor?
Will I curse their existence.
Do I deserve to be alive right now?

The bird does not let its past nest hold it down.
The sea will find a home somewhere else.
And I will be, just here. Breathing deeply, to make sure I'm still alive.

It took every mistake in my life to bring me where I am now.
And you were with me, even when it was bad.
I took your love and abused it.
On nights like these, it's a horrible time remember my tears.

Man was made in our image.
With innocent eyes that sought lights embrace.
And nestled in the arms of darkness.
An empty abyss who couldn't help but stare back.

Man cried till he was content.
And his heart did grow through the suffering.
And he came to know happiness as well as sadness.
But his eyes, they spoke with love.

Man walked his path under a forceful guidance.
And he remained ignorant to the suffering of his bearers.
Fighting ensued as man found comfort under the many stars.
In the field, he fought alone against the sun and the moon, and he lost.

Rage begat man as he learned togetherness and separation.
The beautiful flowers flourished, and he felt himself no more than a lone dried ****.
So, he cut those flowers and boiled them to see how they taste.
Now, only a desert remained as man boiled each oasis.

Man ate and hunted every animal.
He used the streets built by others and ate the meals he begged for.
This lone warrior stared back into the abyss and saw light within himself.
The strongest man he knew was his darkness alone, and so fought him and lost again.

Man could no longer force his guidance on the world so for the first time, his angry heart steadied and he listened.
And man looked back to the loved ones who perished behind him and cried till he was content.
He slowly memorized each grain of dust that made up every little thing. Starting over again and again.
Eventually, his heart strengthened and pulled him to the shores of Nibana. And he was alone. And he was satisfied.

On this day, man closed his eyes and writ this poem.
A poem made only with his heart that he could never have envisioned with his meager skill.
But his heart that knew darkness, its light is refined and built up a little each day.
And his rest is well-deserved.

Even if the reason he's alive, is safe and satisfied with another man. For dust thou art, and unto dust thou shalt return.

We never really did ask for you,
Souped up cars and ****** up avenues.
Shivers down your spine, over fined for the damage done.
Pay up. The greater good needs your wallet son.

******* parkour, running in the streets off,
The roundabout where a couple broke each others lease on,
Life. There ain't no harder calmer man who's fighting.
The parents he believed in, smoked out the lighting.

How could there ever live a guy who's fighting for the personal right to call himself his family that's split across the world.
Divided, the house cannot stand.
Invited to the worldwide plan to forget, integrate and live inside a computer world.

Nevermore to care, the raven leaves the planet earth to find a people who can feel for something other than themselves.
Singing little nightingale, posted in a video warns users, but his language of the heart doesn't sell.

Candid, Sanded and machined to a polish.
Words spread like a bacteria.
Myriad.
Your dearly sad.
I couldn't help but notice the monster I created. Monster see, Monster do. Promise you a monster too.

Snowy hills and lonely peaks, to 7 every day of the week.
It's cold to you. It's hard to you.
**** a little animal too relieve yourself.
Believe yourself, it should evolve to defend itself.

Softer hearts grow distant.
My parents wonder where I am?
I'm well enough, without a friend.
Better to observe than pretend. To be anything but what I am.
Confused about where I am.

You couldn't see beyond the brush.
Merry-go-around-the-bush-with-him-you-found-on-Tinder.
For­get that we ever said I love you.

Make way for the bees.
There's too much to say.
Love once and forever.
Bleed out the day.

More happy than sense.
The future divide.
Between a man and his friends.
For him and his bride.

Low cost, low manage.
And family safe.
Party and make merry.
For our new home today.

Couples of fame.
Lovers of vice.
Homes that were broken, parents that fight.

But no bad ending and no fallout.
No lovers spat, no bad flake out.
It could be true love or it could not be.
But I've been left here for an eternity.

And so, she pervades and steals my friends.
And my disgust to her attends.
Blame me, or their crossed stars above.
But I blame the forgetful feeling known as love.

It's a cliche to stare from the window, but I do.
Slipping through time without thinking.
The flowers are indulging the ground with life.

I am not so candid as to tell you why.
Voices ruminate outside my prison.
I wouldn't be so sad if this was the end.

I'm not calling to say I love you or I've moved on.
But that when the knife in my heart twists.
The pain doesn't really move me as it used to.

I might give up, I might give in.
But the calls from another world, they beckon me to"Keep smiling".
Perhaps I never should have reached out.

So here I write and release to the world.
So that the death grip on my soul will be just released a little.
As this poem has seemed to do.

I realize this isn't the ideal scenario, being so torn up about nothing it doesn't reflect on me quite well. But time will march on without me. And the stars will reflect our pie in the sky hopes and dreams. And the knife will stay in my heart to remind me of you and your betrayal all those years ago. And the poison will reach the earth I walk on. And all those nice kind loving things you say, the beauty of it all will one day be lost on me. But for today, thank you for reminding me that I can resist the pain that's meant to make me human. Until the dawn comes, I beg you to sleep. And not look at my face.

Please, don't see my tears. They are only per-cursors to that knife being twisted again. And yet, part of me desires it be twisted again so that I may see just how long it will take before I destroy this thing called "Friendship."

Calm and collected in the cross breeze.
Listening to voices of wind whisper your name.
I pray a day will come.
Where I am to be unbound.

And behind me there is,
Where moon-drops fall from your sacred heart.
Lay the bindings of your soul to mine.
Decaying on the wrought ground.

I made all these paper constructs for you.
To see when the rain,
Would soak through and make me wet.

The ground is low, for today.
He's feeling pretty glum,
I think he's got a fever.

When life comes to make you unhappy,
Just write you dearest wish,
Into a little jar.

Come here close and listen to me.
Secrets lie under a giving tree.
I cry when I sleep.


Snowmen play.
Roses whine.
The days are too short,
My sweet pumpkin pie.

No one did ask me what I had thought.
But I think,
My showers nice.

I play the radio real low,
To contemplate,
The Syrian war.

Here's the truth,
Don't ask me twice.
It's embarrassing, to tell you something nice.
My first loves a *****.


It's not very nice, to hate your friends.
Winter dies and summer ends.
Would your teacher ask you for a smoke?
Light it up like the burning sun.

Nervous tics and Irish bells.
Awkward laughs and dating sells.
Where did we meet? Don't ask me why.
I found you in the park underneath the sky.

Daisies past and a wondering breeze.
You have no idea what you mean to me.
Staring deeply into my eyes.
-Who are you again?


Multi-platform shoes walk again into,
Rivers flowing memories of you.
No one sees where the rainbow ends.
They told me don't ever be more then friends.

Candid words, wondering why.
This suit went well with a purple tie.
Council calls,
Deeper wells.
Have you seen my fat?

You gave me so much love.
I turned away and left you so many times.
And when I slowly wanted to make a connection to you.
I was too late, you had turned away.

The key to happiness is self-expression in a safe environment.
I offered you that however, it is not unique.
There is another man who can offer you that.
It is rare, but it is not impossible.

I, given my multiple interests will have difficulty.
If I wrote all my interests on a board, no one I know could fill half of it.
Except you.
That is where I am. Stuck in a place of unhappiness.

Congratulations.
You were right, I would never meet anyone like you again.
And there wasn't a single thing I could do to stop it.
Lessons I had not learned, could not be used after the event had taken place.

It's warm in this place.

Like the last breeze fades on a clear spring day.
The stillness holding between the hilltops
The empty wind dying above the fields, in the city, on the rivers.
On a world I could not change.

Of a girl who can be herself with someone else.

Maybe that's fine.

As your scarlet letter folds into the crowd.
Of a face I am struggling to recall.
But the tears that I shed for you will not stop.
And that is all of my findings of our story so far.

And every new poem I wrote here for you.
I wrote when I learned something new to archive.
And I hope they reach you someday.
So I can be surprised.

So my framework view of this world can be changed.
And I selfishly hope I can express myself again.
In this message to a girl who will never read it.
That the experiment of us can be undertaken with the findings made.

And I might show you, that I'm not a manipulative narcissistic ****.

But only actions prove that, not words.
Which is why I post this here, where you will not find it.
So I can respect your wish to cut me off.
And at the same time, write my findings, that they might one day prove useful.

Little words.
Crowded breaths.
See my hair?
Compliments.
Stoke the fire.
Rest the eyes.
Take the cake.
Eat it twice.
Lord the night.
Drown the years.
Forever more.
Forever near.
No trifle here.
But peace become.
Sat on here.
On our thumbs
Not much to say,
Not much to do.
Tv's how he spends his too.
Insecure.
Work to ends.
Lifes a trough.
Drink the *****.
Kids can sleep.
Dogs can lie.
Set the table.
Dress to style.
Out we go,
Once again.
To find a man,
Worth his bread.

I can see why people avoid the latest tab
As it seems to be ******* about life.
And political or religious hatred.
You'd think 2.5 million dead people would make their hearts heavy with self-reflection

but it seems not thusly so.

If you look hard enough, you can see the sun.
You can stare it at and its boundless white and black.
I challenged the sun to a staring contest.
The sun played ***** and went for the eyes.

When the fibers of my shirt stretch, I feel fatter.
When my jeans need to be unbuttoned in the car, I feel ashamed.
But my power will bend this metamorphosis into beauty.
Sometime... Sometime soon...

A woman said mean things about me behind my back.
I agreed with her but never spoke with her.
I discussed it without her and came to the conclusion.
That woman should never speak to me again.

I can't help but feel heartless when you say I am so.
There is a bad guy but he's not me.
The bad guy is the one who's disappointing me.
The villain is the person who attacked anyone in their vicinity to get what they wanted.

I know I'm arrogant and I know I'm mean.
There are tidal waves and earthquakes you could build a relationship on steadier ground with.
But my ground is unmovable. My decision unbreakable.

And you are the one I love most. Though, it seems you have done everything to strip me from your life. The most important thing, hidden without a proper explanation. I have lost, utterly and completely.

And even this poem could be drilled down to 3 little words. "I miss you."

There once lived love on this beach.
From hilltop to ditch, it wrote under dwelling.
Raining softly tears of regret.

There once lived love in this era.
Coalescing swarms of butterflies.
Drones in a no-fly zone.

There once lived love in this edict.
To your tender I offer the world.
An empty mailbox, a disconnected phone.

There once lived love given by me.
Flames of passion, lustful winds.
A wooden universe.

There once was love stolen to the void.
Every thought, image and moment trapped in a cable.
Painted faces on a spotless canvas.

I can no longer see you.
The bridge that we shared has been detonated.
I can no longer find the source.
These eyes frightened to find you, appraise every second, a moment of complete dread.
Rushing waters breath deeply.
Grasping, grappling and groping at the foundation of a life unlived.
Of a world unseen.
Of a fight not had.
Of honest words unspoken.
Cradle my bones that touch the sands surface.
Roost my dreams tightly bound.
Pitter-patter, the sounds of envy and jealousy.
Cold steel around your finger.
And pity the bird who called himself a snake and loved you more than a cohesive sentence could describe.

There's a hollowness in me.
It spreads out from within my heart.
It bends the mind and breaks free.
And causes my relationships to break apart.

There's an emptiness in me.
It's the touch of holding hands.
It's my head resting on your shoulder in relief.
And the loving embrace that holds till the last.

There's a missing piece of my mind.
That knows how to ask for a kiss.
That discovered love when he was blind.
And he asked for help when his life was amiss.

There's a missing piece of my soul.
That couldn't tell you how I felt.
And I fell apart when I thought about that hole.
And think suicide is kinder than my hand I was dealt.

There are mistakes I continue to make.
They affect me the whole day through.
And on my life, I do stake.
That to myself, and of you I was always true.

There are people who are gone.
And whenever they hope I am happy.
I can't help but feel my mental scars on me adorn.
And think "They cut me off and act so gladly."

There are many fights that I'd avoid.
And avoided with everything I could.
As push me a little more, I'd crumble, destroyed.
And fall, so much more easily than I should.

There is an age that I would reach.
And as time moves on I would move further again.
Every year, I'd thought there would be an intimacy I'd beseech.
And when they tell me "Hold on" I say "Till when?".

And there are people who hurt me.
And more people who think it just.
That I fall from my high horse, free.
And crumble beneath them like dust.

And as my life continues on.
I hope it not draw to a close.
Before this missing piece comes to me thereupon.
My life moves on from this morose.

There is an empty man who cannot see your charms.
As he never knew how love functioned in the first place.
So please, before you see my indifference or carelessness as weapons-of-arms.
Know I can't help it, as I have no parental love to trace.

I have no lovers hold to remember.
I have no emblazoned kiss to my name.
I feel the absence of any caregivers love, so tender.
I feel myself fail again, just the same.

I was an abusive *** who betrayed you.
So you put me out of your mind like a bad trauma.

A few months of love.
Could not make up for years of intolerance.

The sky drew open grazing curtains of light.
Marching across the hills with new mornings rush.
Albert awoke darkly from the dreams of his night.
And sighed for his laments now lost in the brush.

Albert made way for time to move on.
He had reached the age of eight and bore a fine skew.
made life with his friend Liz and so on,
To live so secluded in this strange world anew.

"I'm up Liz. Do you have food I could eat?"
Albert asked with a polite sense not too cool nor too hot.
"I'll prepare it now, Driyu." She attended his need.
"Thank you." and he spoke words yet untaught.

For a moment Albert watched the woman standing up.
A lady with wolf ears sprouting from her head.
A fuzzy wolf tail he felt looked quite odd to its puff.
And a kind countenance that brought love to her stead.

"My name is Albert." He spoke once again.
For the thousandth time past from when he could speak.
But unto deaf ears fall his words of a friend.
To a mother who's mind to his truth would not speak.

Albert went out to their yard and began his alien ritual.
Of movements so fine and sleek in their practice.
From the warm up, to his muscles to stretching residual,
The struggle to become stronger, Albert could not lack this.

With every hop, bounce and strike the pattern went on.
Albert long had grown numb to the sight of his clownish dance.
Liz watched on from inside, spying to her moves unknown.
Then her patience for this spectacle, her patience did not last.

"Why do you do this? My boy, why train to fight?
You would do better to study my writings I have written.
By learning and study, may your future be bright,
Rather than by sword where death walks unbidden."

"Training and studying are only together strong.
Without the body the mind would be wicked and cruel.
It would move without fragility or care of its wrongs.
And without mind, the body walks, a blunted tool."

This boy she had raised and would continue to thus.
Felt closer to a man from his birth made deranged.
By a past she did not know of a life he would not fuss,
Or share amongst them both and would so remain.

On the day they had found each other by the river sat along.
Where she held him and took him and found a shack out remote.
The house that they lived would stand alone in the throng,
Of luscious green land kept their lives still afloat.

"Driyu why do you train? You still have not answered me".
"I want to grow stronger, to keep alive best I can.
This world is, was, has and forever will be,
The hell of a home for the unprepared man.

Being weak is a sin, being dumb is a joke.
The words of a fool would to me always say.
"If you don't do as I say, watch your efforts become smoke"
So to defy others, even you, I will not change my way."

"A child should play and not worry of such things."
Albert could not let that thought be given rest.
"I am me and always me. My thoughts worry brings.
But you are right to say anxious thoughts are unblessed.

The fact is I enjoy it, I like feeling progress.
And how much stronger and faster I'll be.
Like a wolf on the prowl or the shadows caress
A scary big burly man being all crazy they'll see!

Stomping the ground and masses alike.
All falling under King Albert the emperor of all.
The greatest tactician and warrior of might.
And when all has fallen, the last guy they call."

"A wolf on the prowl, what does that mean?"
"An insignificant noteless figure of speech Lizzy."
"Driyu I heard it, play with me not coy."
"With utmost respect and love, I am busy."

I dreamed about you again last night.
I cried and wailed in your embrace.
When the clouds drew rain from the sky.
As I awoke, you left no trace.

It started without much involvement.
The love i felt would always grow.
I miss her gazing visage and wish to hold it.
And let my feelings, once held back, flow.

I loved you because I grew to love you.
I had no template or care for me in my life.
I was not attracted but attraction grew too.
And if you asked, I'd give up everything and into love with you dive.

But your only flaw seems to be quite evident.
You want truly nothing to do with me.
And I know, I know I have come to accept it.
But the pain of "I love you forever" I told you is quite weighty.

And the pain of "I love you forever." is a promise that hurts 4 years after you cut me off.
I don't know how you say "I don't love you." when you made that promise too.
I think you believe I lied about everything and nothing was genuine of our talks.
But I told you the truth so we could actually start off, together in tune.

I am not a brave man.

I am the face in a crowd that hides in plain sight.
An angel with baggage that keeps me from flying.
A heart so wounded, no kiss could ever heal it.
A body that refuses to say "I'm okay."

I am not a wise man.

My mistakes have cut both ways.
I have brought the world against me and my loved ones.
Always, my enemies are pushing me away.
Be gentle, you press on my wounded heart.

I lose things.

Friends I will never gain back.
Skills I could never perform without trembling.
Enemies who's insults won't be forgiven.
Words that refuse to say I love you.

I did my best.

My ignorance was turned to sunshine.
The anxiety has closed its eyes to the world at large.
I forgave my first love who moved on from my embrace.
My tears were clear enough to reveal affection from my hate.

They crept and crawled behind the rocks.
Eliminating innocents as they went.
Hiding in the underbrush.
The unstoppable force in the middle of the night.

The sentries see movement but can't pinpoint them.
They are everywhere.
Enemies in the left, the right, the remote camp and the pass.
Tension as the moment before a great battle.

First came the rocks, the spears, the guns and then the missiles.
A hail of bullets, mortar and firebombs.
The radios are jammed and no one is spared.
It's a simultaneous attack on all fronts.

Totally paralyzed, the commander lays flat on the ground.
The enemy are not assuming control.
They are entities of pure violence.
Every kick and every punch reverberates through his body.

And they vanished. As if never there to begin with.
The land is scarred, the forest is ash and the last defenders are scrambling.
It was as brutal as an avalanche.
It went as quickly as the wind.


The general wants to know what happened, but he knows best.
He knew it was just a matter of time.
Until a thought caused a memory cascade.
The crack in his mental **** brought about the tsunami.

And it was love.
It was love unfettered and bludgeoned that held a knife to his throat.
Love sent the message loud and clear
That it would not be ignored.

I hope you can forgive me.
I was never meant to be the man you met.
I was a kind child turned into a monster.
Who had to shed his skin.

The guilt of having a future with you paralyzed me.
I was never deserving of someone so kind.
My betrayal and our inexperience ruined the relationship.
But only I have to suffer being alone.

If you don't think of me anymore.
Then you will never hear from me again.
But know you have bewitched me mind, body and soul.
And my love for you will always be there.

Maybe I just wasn't even that much in your mind.
Or maybe the abuse made me too duplicitous and bipolar to remember.
And though these poems may come across as two faced.
They all tell the same story.

I believe this will be the last.