He's cast himself into my memories like a curse, a hex
He's a demon sent to taunt me
A ghost meant to haunt me

I tear away only to be pulled back once again
Like the waves of the ocean are controlled by the moon
He takes control of my willpower pulling me back to him, and away from me

He ties lace around his words
Glitter falling off every syllable
Black glitter to trick your eyes

His lovely lace wraps around my throat
Consuming my thoughts
Trapping me in his silky spider web

Why is it so hard for me to leave
Something I know is not for me
When will I find my way back to me and finally

Escape

Like a moth drawn to a flame,
I can't resist the pain,
The world moves on, but I am stuck,
Unable to break the love-struck

I feel myself fall from the sky
Like a burned out broken star
A fleeting memory, a distant trace
Of feelings I can no longer face

Haunted by the things we used to say
The promises we made, the love we gave away
Though we are apart,
Your ghost still lingers in my heart

In the silence of the night,
I hear your voice
A distant echo
Of a long lost choice

My heart beats like a drum,
A rhythm that won't succumb,
To the memories of you and I,
A love that refuses to die

I know I should move on,
To find love that is not gone,
But my heart won't let me forget,
The love that we once had, and yet

I try to shake you from my thoughts,
But you're a memory that cannot be fought.
Your name echoes in my mind,
And the love we shared is impossible to unwind

I thought time would heal my heart,
That distance would set us apart,
But here I am, still longing for you,
A love that's pure, honest, and true

So I let myself drown in the pain,
Of a love that's lost, but still remains,
An ember burning in my soul,
A fire that refuses to grow old

Like a moth drawn to a flame,
I know I should move on,
To find a love that won't be gone,
But the thought of you, it lingers on

So I'll keep holding onto you,
Hoping that someday, you'll see me too,
And maybe then, we can start anew,
A love that's beautiful, honest, and true

I know I should try to forget,
To let go of this love and move ahead,
But my heart just won't comply,
It keeps on beating, asking why

I try to move on, to find another,
But my heart refuses to love any other
So here I am, still holding on,
To a love that's already gone

Hoping that someday you'll see,
The love that you once had in me
But I know I must let go of the past,
And move on to a love that will last

If it wasn't for you showing me what a bad relationship was,
I wouldn't know what a good should be like
If you hadn't taught me how weak I was,
I never would have gained such strength
If you had held me like you were meant to,
I never would have found my way back to me

Thank you in the end, for showing me all that love wasn't meant to be

i loved you with all my wildfire heart
but our forest has burned to the ground
there's nothing left in the dust
nothing left in the ashes—
but look if you must

I am tired of the dishonesty in the blue
The tiredness in the grey
The snobbishness in the green
Disinterest and false warmth of brown
Distracted hazel eyes

I want eyes like rainbows
To carry me away

I could handle hurt from anyone else
But the person who built me up
Should never have been the one
To tear me right back down

I heard you weren't doing well
It hurt
I wished I could have reached out
And told you I was still here for you
But my better judgement told me "No"

I tried so hard to remember why we drifted so far apart
I couldn't recall the weopon, only the memory of the wound

But now the memory of that day is clear
The way you told me I wasn't enough
The first person to tell me I was
The first person who made me believe

You were the crack that started the spiderweb that weakened my glass
You left me vulnerable for the next false Messiah to completely shatter me

You promised me peace and brought me devestation
You promised me a temple of confidence and instead broke me with insecurity
You didn't take my side, left me defenseless
You threw me into the wolf den without a warning

Our friendship was full of nothing but falsehoods and pretenses, worthless promises that did us no good

But I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish you happiness
It's not in my nature to be unforgiving and cruel
I don't have room in my heart for hatred and grudges
You may have hurt me, but I don't want to hurt you

I've wished on dandelions
Ladybugs
Stars and constellations
To make my love for you fade
I've begged angels
Demons
Gods and fae
To make your love stay
I never seem to make the right wish
Because I still love you
And you have moved on without me
But in my dreams I still see your smile
And you still tell me how you love me

Why is it I can only have you in fantasy?

I hate fate
All it's secrets
All it's uncertainty

Ask for flowers
You get weeds

Ask for love
You get regret

Ask for strength
You get weaker

Ask for patience
You waste time

I hate fate
All it's tricks
All it's games

Everyone has a fear of dying
But being in love
Is able to give you a fear far greater
It outweighs death and gives a bigger threat
The fear of losing love

It didn't go as I'd expected it to, neither good or bad
I remember it very clearly
It was a day before the worst day of my life
The day before my sixteenth birthday
But that's another story

It was just the four of us that day
So many fond memories then
Like how we played our favorite songs as we judged and danced
From pop, rock, and rap, we didn't care

But as things came to an end the others left and it was only us
Upside down
That's what it was
No he didn't flip my world upside down
I was laying half off my bed playing my guitar, a song for him
He leaned forward, it was quick and sweet

From that kiss I felt nothing
I knew it was meant to be endearing
But from that kiss and all the others after
I felt nothing
And that's when I realised it's because that's exactly what we were

An empty kiss for a loveless couple full of nothing

Telling someone who was raised to believe something to be one way that it can be another, is like telling a fish in a fishbowl about the oceans and their creatures.

I feel like I'm stuck inside a fish tank with liquid lies and excuses made of water flooding in. Thoughts of him subside, but the water keeps filling to the top. Somehow within this flooding nightmare, I feel calm and steady. The silence is not what I fear, but the thoughts that occupy it. They float around me, but what I fear more is the fact that even though I know how to swim,
I'm still drowning.

Our love was such a beautiful flower

One so unique and brand new it didn't even have a name
As it's petals bloomed and towards the moon it grew
I felt a love that was so deep and true

I thought that it was so beautiful and ethereal
That it must be immortal
That I'd see it in this life into the next and the one after

But it wilted
All the petals browned and fell
The roots rotted and leaves receded

Every flower has its season, this one just came late and let false hope into my heart

No matter how much I watered
How much I changed the soil
How much love I poured into it-

I could not save our dying flower

Once upon a deadline dreary,
In an office bleak and weary,

The hours we spent with work and play
Now seem to pass like a distant day
And as I look upon each friendly face,
I feel the sting of time and place

As I bid farewell to those I hold dear
My heart is heavy with the weight of sorrow
For though you go forward with hope and without fear,
It is steps further away from the times we shared
And I'll miss the friendships that I've come to know

So let us say farewell with heavy hearts,
As each of us moves on to different parts
But know that in our souls, we'll always hold
The memories of our time, both warm and cold

As you pack your things and prepare to depart,
Know that memories will linger on
Your presence, once a comfort to our heart,
Will now be felt in silence, a mournful part

Though distance may separate us, I'll keep in mind,
That true friends are never truly left behind

You don't know me
The places I wanna see
The things I want to know
What I want to be told
No, you don't know me

You can't hold me
Or tell me everything's alright
When I know you hold her
Like you used to hold me

You tell her she's made of gold
You know her favorite food, her favorite dress
And all the other things
That you don't know about me

I know you've memorized
Her face, Her voice
Yet when you turn around
Can you even remember my name?

I guess it's too much to ask
For redamancy these days
As loyalty has gone out the window
A word of the past

But you used to tell me
That I was made of gold
And that in your arms
I was only yours to hold
But your hands have roamed
So far away from me

And it's not fair
To make me watch
As you do with her
All you did with me

We used to talk about the future
But in a single heartbeat
You have changed our destiny

All those words of yours
Come back and haunt me
Everytime you called me beautiful,
Was it just practice for telling her?

Well you were right about one thing
I am made of gold
And that girl of yours
No matter how much you try
To mold her into me
She will only ever be pyrite
Just a cheap imitation
Of the treasure you will never hold

My heart folds and bleeds
The love I have for you, it exceeds
I said I want to write like Edgar Allen Poe
But I didn’t mean I wanted his same woe

I love you, I always will and always have
But the fear of the memories being all I have
It makes me wonder what steps did I miss?
Was there a ladybug or dandelion where I didn’t wish?

Could I have begged the gods a little harder?
Surely there was more that I could barter
To fill you with more bliss
I’ve taken pages from all the myths

There is no price I would not pay
No sacrifice that would bring more dismay
Than losing the light you shine on my life
There is nothing more to fill me with more strife

I ponder more than I ought to
Of what would happen
If you went where I could not follow
And I wonder who it is I’d never forgive

The you who left
Or the me who let you?

I know too well that
Breaking some promises is
Like forbidden fruit

More enticing than
Anything certain or safe
I understand that

And you should know that
Promises are made of glass
But not to shatter

They are made of glass
Pellucid so you can see
The reality

Words that hang in a
Still, suffocating, silence
Squeeze your lying lungs

A small punishment
For those who will treat themselves
To forbidden fruit

I cannot lose what fills
   my heart more than blood
   my lungs more than air
   myself more than me

I think I want to fall in love again
Before I turn into Orpheus
Or Edgar Allen Poe
Only writing of love I've lost
Love I miss

Maybe I want to fall in love again
Just to prove I can

I miss you
It pains me when the younger generations don't remember you
For me, you were a whole other world
It's been about 8 years since I last told you that I loved you
Since I last held your hand and said goodbye
Knowing it was forever
It was hard to grasp as an 8 year old
That life was fragile
And that I had to watch it slip away
From someone who was so full of it
Sickness is a monster
It takes whoever it wants with no mercy
Why does it always prey on the kind?
You looked so thin
You could hardly speak
Yet you still looked like the strongest man i'd ever see
As you smiled one last time
To tell me not to cry
But how can I hold back tears when I think about all we did and how we never again can?
Please tell me that you love me once more
Please take me back to that museum we adored
The last place we went together
When I think back to that 8 year old self
The one before death came to teach a lesson,
Because parents can't look at their child and say their family member has run away like their dog last summer
And mine weren't the kind to speak of a heaven
I can't help but cry when I realise
That innocence I had can never come back
I still remember how you smelled, how you laughed, and the warmth of your hugs
I will never be able to hear your name and feel okay,
Because I miss you
But it's because I love you that I try not to cry
It's because I love you that I keep your traditions and jokes alive
Because I love you

You aren't a man
If you think you can not only treat her like an object
But forget that she is a part of me
That we work together as a whole machine

You aren't a man
If you think you can hold out your hand
And she will simply crumble into it
Because its what you demand

You aren't a man
You are desperate and lonely
Looking for something to fill the void I left behind
But dont you dare try to fill it with her
I wont let you defile her mind
And she wont let you in

You are a boy
Not man enough for her
Not man enough for me

I've had 9 years to know you
It makes me envy cats,
I wish I had 9 lives to love you

I'm delusional, that must be it
Because I still think we are soulmates
When we were hardly even dreams

Falling in love is so painful
It leaves me covered in a galaxy of bruises
Just like the ones that fill his eyes and cover his heart

To the next love to walk my path
I apologize for the weeds and wilted flowers
The last person to ever tend to my garden
Watered my plants with herbicide

You wished on dandelions and ladybugs
For someone to come to you with love
It isn't my fault the Gods sent me,
That I was not up to your standards

You're no Sapphire stone
You who are made of rust and ruin
I didn't ask for you either
Someone of Peridot and Amber,
Would suit me far better

You know how when you break open
some rocks you find crystal?
My heart is like that
break it open and you will find
all my love for you

I'm like a geode
I seem ugly and hollow at first
but after you break me apart
you will see all the treasure in me
that was hidden on the surface

Only now it is no longer yours
every touch from then on
turns my crystals to rust
one shard at a time

A geode turned to coal
for the next heartbreak
to reveal my hidden gold

How someone can just walk out of your life so fast
Is insane to me
One day you can be all thats on their mind
The next you're nothing
Just a ghost

The in between of a feeling and a fading memory

my whole heart was not enough
for when he spoke to me
it wasn't a language that I could comprehend
he spoke to me like he spoke to a wall
a ghost, a doll, something that was not real
that was not alive
gibberish
nonsense
if he loved me then I would understand
any language, any dialect, any tone
because words of love can and will
bypass any barrier

A light within the dark
Sings a song inside my heart
A sound to fill the silence

The way he glows
You'd think the sun was in his veins

Come here
Taint me with all
Of the empty promises
You keep stored within
Your eyes
Your heart
And behind
Your lips

Come here
Tell me something that
I may not know
About myself
Because clearly you know me
Better than I do
My fears
My passions
My hopes
And my regrets

Go ahead
Fill my head
With dreams
That you say we
Could share
That we
Could hold
Within a gentle grasp

Go ahead
Crush those dreams
Within your
Deadly clasp
Destroy the
Beauty
That we hoped
Could one day be
The glue
That would hold
Us together

The last time I believed in God
I was 6 years old in Sunday school
I asked my teacher why we believed in a man above the clouds
I loved that woman, but her answer wasn't enough
All she was able to say was "Just have faith and the Lord will save you"
Children are simply meant to blindly believe what they are told, but some how I couldn't
I was defected
Because that was the day I stopped believing

The last time I spoke to God
I was 16 and losing sight of who I was
I asked him why he thought he deserved so much credit
For the world he made
A world that self destructs
A world where people find it so hard to breathe they take their life
A world where we can't see ahead of us because the future crumbles before it comes

I asked him why he let his children starve
Why he let them cry at night with no hope to hold on to
Why he let them hurt, shrivel up and die
Why he let them live in poverty

I asked him why I was supposed to have undying love
For a man who doesn't cherish the creation of his own two hands

A father
Who doesn't pay child support
Who doesn't hold his child in his arms
Who doesn't tell them he loves them
Who doesn't put food on the table
Nor a roof over their heads
Who doesn't speak or console
And who leaves his children alone and unprotected
Unsupervised and broken down

If we hold our own human fathers up to this standard, then why don't we hold the father of all responsible for his neglect?

The last time I prayed to God
I wasn't kind
I didn't ask for anything
I simply called him out
If a God truly exists
I hope one day he is put accountable for his crimes
And is punished for his sins

Eros shot his golden arrow and I'd been hit
Through his words the flame was lit
There was no negotiating it
Because bottling up your feelings isn't lit
As if all the planets had aligned
There was nothing left to be denied
But fear is like a heavy chain
How long can we allow it's reign to remain
Freedom beckons with loves lingering light
And with these feelings I take flight

I remember a time back in elementary school when we would get golden stars for being good. Sometimes I feel like we are awarded with far too much, especially during childhood. However now that I am inching towards adulthood, I long for the acknowledgement and glory of those shimmering stickers. Some form of praise, a prize, a little bit of nostalgia.

I've learned to miss those golden stars.

Sometimes you need a praise. Sometimes you really need someone to say "You are doing great!" just so you can keep moving forward. Sometimes a bonus or good mark just doesn't cut it. I can't remember how I used to shine. I can't tell if I've lost the luster I once wore.

Sometimes you just need those golden stars.

Memories bury themselves in my heart
A graveyard of all my sorrows and mistakes
I leave flowers on all the tombstones
If you read the names, you can relive the rush
Catching glimpses of shadows from the past

The flowers always wither, crumble and rot
But I believe there's magic in the remains
If you hold the petals they bring you back
You grasp the thorns and they take you away
Either way, there's beauty in both their pain

In a world where gravity is a constant
it's so strange that I always seem
to find myself floating back to you
and yet you are still falling

just barely out of my
                                         reach

Sometimes I smile thinking of him,
then those green thoughts creep inside my head
Who else has he enraptured the way that he has me?
It makes me feel hollow inside
It's a feeling filled with envy, filled with dread
Who else gets stuck inside his head?

Breaking up with someone mutually
Knowing you both still love eachother endlessly
Feels like your whole body is grieving
My heart and fingers are shaking
And my eyes are stinging from the mascara mixing with tears
The worst part of it is that I'm not sad or angry
I know I'm okay, but unfortunately my heart isn't as rational as my brain

You don't have to worry, I'm okay

they spent so many years treating me like an adult
that I never had the chance; the right
to be a child
I was told to grow up so quickly
that I never had the gift; the innocence
of being a kid

I keep playing my guitar
I feel you in the strings
Playing songs that remind me of you
You're in every strum
Every line

Like a shooting star
You passed me quick and quiet
I forgot to wish

You were born with wings
Not to live life in a cage
But to fly, to soar

I'd love to fully move on to someone new
But it always leads back to you
To what I wish we were
And what we never were
All the fear I felt for you
All the love you never returned
It seeps out around me
Like an aura
I can't untangle us from me

You don't know the depth of your hatred for someone
Until you dream of watching their demise
It is hatred if you enjoy it
It is a lie you tell yourself if you mourn it

For the first time in months,
I prayed
Before my statue of Apollo,
I kneeled
With my candle lit
I held my open palms to the sky
I cried
Before Apollo,
I begged
For the first time in months,
I had to believe
There was something beyond me
That could bring you what you need

Every poem of love that I write angers me because I don't have this incredible person that's in my writing. Yet from somewhere deep inside me these words escape, and all I want to do is bottle them up, store them away. But what am I supposed to say, "Stay away"?

I just hope you're happy, wherever you are. Not knowing that I am in such inner turmoil because of you. Not knowing this perfect storm I have been brewing for you. Not knowing that I lie awake thinking of you. Thinking of what I would say, of what I would do for you. What I would give up for you.

You don't even know how much you mean to me while you are probably somewhere out there in this world doing who knows what and thinking about who knows who. How am I supposed to tell you how much you bring to my life, if you haven't even entered it yet?

When will you listen to my heart's lament as it tells of the pain that searching brings? The lament a heart releases when its searched so long for its counterpart, it's soulmate, only to come up empty handed in the end?

Do you have any idea what you do to me?

He spoke to me of Heaven and Sin
But he knew I didn't believe in Heaven
So he left me with Sin and prayed for my soul to believe again
Instead I wallowed in those seven demons engraved within
Not Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, or Pride
My demons go by different names
Lonely, Anxiety, Fear, Judgment, Hate, You, and I
For within myself my own sins lie