Even though my soul is torn
With gaping holes and edges worn
I don't give a **** anymore
No longer wanting to settle the score
It's been to long
My will is gone
I lay down my sword, I lay down my shield
What's the use in what I wield
I only wound myself, that's where my demons hide
They're ingrained deep inside
For in my brain is where they dwell
All I can do is wish them well
For in my cranium is a living hell

There's nothing you can do, there's nothing you can say
I will always and forever feel this way
So go ahead and just turn the **** away
I'm condemned for eternity to stay
In the waltz of the darkest sway

Don't look in my face, don't look in my eyes
I'm trying so hard this part of me to disguise
When you look, I want you to see butterflies
Not the tracks of pain, confusion, and a trillion tears

Please don't speak, don't ask
Way to much of my skin has tasted the razors slash
Time for a soumate,true and undying love has endless centuries ago passed
Once upon a time, in a little girls life a die was cast

The cards where dealt, the wheel spun
There would be no time in her life for fun
Her future dim, no beaming sun
Only the frenzied moves of the insane trying to keep it together, as she constantly comes undone

Did you know
That in the snow
Despite the glow

Our fears
Are still there
Still holding us near

Did you know
In the snow
The fear still grows

Even when it's covered
Under beautiful snow smothered
Just beneath the surface can be discovered

Did you know
In the snow
The winds of change still blow

You can try to foget
It will still make you sweat
It will still make you pay that debt

Did you know
In the snow
The fear will still make your blood run cold

Keeping feelings behind my forts
Thoughts continually contorts
Vision before my eyes distorts
Universe continuously escorts
All the sorrow it transports
All my efforts it thwarts
So I'm feeling out of sorts

©Pauline Russell

The limbs grow, cover and cradle me
Like the arms of a forgotten lover
The maggots give me love bits as they slowly consume
The worms slither round about, in and out
Never again will my face wear a frown
Never again will I worry about zen
Or about how's and when's
This moss is my bed
Where I lay my weary head
Off to rest for eternity
Where the animal and insects show me love internally

Finally LOVE!!!!!!

Now you see me, now you don't
I want to run, but maybe I wont
Frozen in time, still always moving
Memories flawed, futures always proving
Agony unwavering, is always changing
Happiness unreachable, yet so nearing
Things unwanted, forever need
Wounds have healed, scars still bleed
Always right, standing in the wrong
Feelings left to die, forever live on

The river of time keeps on flowing
I'm standing here in the knowing
All things will pass and fall away
As we flow from day to day

But the memories seem to remain
Be it happy ones, or the ones that torture our brain

Be it the rivers smooth ride
Or around the bend where rapids hide
To stay in the boat is the greatest challenge
For sometimes things become so unbalanced

Sometimes we are thrown overbord
Most of the time not of our own accord
As we try to keep our heads above the waves motion
Trying not to drown in all the heavy emotion

Sometimes all we can do is hold on to the boat and get dragged along
Other times we're firmly planted dry and warm in the boat singing our hearts song

But whatever waters we transverse
We all know time will do it's worse
It's not the trails we will be judged by
Or even how much we cry
We'll be judged by how we responded to the storm
What eventually becomes the norm

How time changes us inside
If we get angry, spiteful and mean, or if a heart is opened and we try
To help our fellow man
To lean on each other so we both can stand

So try to enjoy the river of times flow
Sitting there watching through the glass the sand steadily go

I welcome the company
In this unending sea
Of loathing and misery

I hate to hear you suffer too
But a lot of us do
We need each other to get through

No need to suffer in silence
This is no science
We live on in defiance

Of a world that's beat us down
Left a lot of us cowering on the ground
But look we're still around

Hear my souls song
It's sad and it's long
But still I crawl and go on

I know you can too I'm much weaker than you
Together we can get through
It's the best we can do

One day at a time
Making sense of what doesn't rhyme
Always something out of line

It's more than feeling blue
It just munchs and chews
It's an agony eating right through

Till on the inside your hollow
All that's left is the sorrow
Just trying to hold on till tomorrow

Dangling over that cliff by your fingertips
Over life you constantly trip
As your insides rip

I know how it is, I suffer the same
Sometimes there is no reason for the rain
That's when you feel you'll never be sane

The darkness comes out of the blue
It never leaves you a clue
But you know that's nothing new

It's better when there's a trigger
At lest it gives you something to consider
That way you know which way to set your sail's rigger

Sleepless night's are the worse
As the waves of sorrow you try to transverse
That leaves you feeling like your living under a curse

We can tread these waters together
We can hold on to each other whenever
The pain gets to much to measure

When it's my time to go
My spirt from my body will flow
It's off to the crematorium, I know

Don't hold on, just let me go
My ashes just let them flow
I'm no longer here, this you know

©Pauline Russell

I looked upon this scourge of a man
I decided to build a fire here, he couldn't stand
At first I thought he was a scribe
But old filthy armor his cloak did hide
A knights is what is he's true brand
Maybe once he was a noble man
But now he smelled of smoke, despair, and other lands

His sword was layered thick with what looked like rust
But I could smell it was fear, blood and guts
Made me wonder if he was the evil ones hire
I crouched beside the blue licked fire
Trying to decide this mortal souls fate
Maybe I should leave him at death's soothing gate
When he awakens I will force him to explain
I'll make him tell me to who, and what he has caused pain
Because as I look upon him I feel my empathy grow
He unknowingly will decide the final blow

I call upon Nyx to hide me in her darkened misty veil
I'm afraid with the gaping wounds he is to frail
To see my branded scared body from hell

But as I sit and wait for him to wake
I feel the ground shake
And hooves that had the sounds of thunder
What I seen was a beautiful evil wonder
It was his horse, I caught it and tethered it to the biggest tree
It took a great talismans to make sure it didn't break free
It's coat was like diamonds dark as ink
On it's haunches was an evil stink
This beast was as strong as a thousand demons
It's fiery red eyes where just beaming


Why is he on his feet?
How can he see me?
I guess it's time to meet!

You said you'd love me forever
With passion we would take on every endeavor
You seduced me with your words
You made my vision blurred
I was blind to all your wicked ways
I didn't know forever ended today

Will up pick me up when I fall
Or just sit there looking
Making me feel small
Will you roll your eyes
Then laugh at my pain
Your disgust you can't disguise
What has turned you so heartless
I'm forever begging your forgiveness
Although I've done nothing wrong
Take your knife and stick it in
Twist it round and round, up and down
All the while with that stupid grinn
**** me over make it hurt
I don't care
Kick me like dirt
It's only me you hurt
And what am I to you
Nothing, nothing at all
All I do is make you feel blue
And all you can say
is....ok

With clockwork precision
You made your incision
You planned with perfection
All of your deception
You never wavered in your disguise
That made for my immanent demise

You played the part of victim
But it was my heart that was missing
You must have a gift
You were so sweet, but swift
With a flick of your wrist
My heart from my chest was dismissed

But you insisted
You didn't leave me bent or twisted
You didn't break or shatter
What really mattered
You said "I didn't leave your heart broken
I took it as a token"

You placed my heart among the rest
It was quite a collection you possessed
****** and still pumping, they sat on your shelf
They were all for you, nobody else

For I found out to late
My feelings would abate
For you let them lay and stagnate
Because what was beneath your breastplate
Was an empty chasm
The depths of which I couldn't even fathom

I guess you took them to fill your own void
I supposed thats why with others you toyed
Maybe you thought with enough hearts
It might be like it was for you in the start
You would feel something more than dread
But look how many you left as the walking dead

It didn't matter how many heartless victims you left in your wake
It was always about you, for Heaven sake
After all you was the victim
With heartlessness and hatred you were stricken
Now you spread like a disease
Just to bring the world to it's knees
One heart at a time
For you, love is the crime

As I look into his eyes I know
He's not a warrior from the abyss
He's been at war with them, I can see into his soul
He's as strong as an ox
Even on weary, pain trembling legs
And quick as a fox
His sword was drawn even before he could stand
I'm very much impressed with this bag of bones
And I'm never impressed with man

"Sheath your sword, I mean you no harm
But if you try to wield that blood thirsty implement of doom on me
I will be forced to disarm"

"Quiet yourself, and I well try to heal
Just come before me and kneel"



"I call upon you mother earth
That to all of us you've given birth
From deaths door I did steal
I now call upon the elements to heal
The cooling winds to touch the fever
I call with the faith of a true believer
Send the rain to penetrate his skin
To heal him up from within
I invoke your power
To save him from this hour
Began in a woman's womb
Do not let this be his doom"

Almost
This last little thing
That last little string
Snapped
You seen it in my eyes
Even though no tears I cried
Relapsed
You saved me more than scars
Those little line bars
Sliced
You took my knife
You saved my life
Wrist
For the cuts I would of made
No one could of saved

The wind will blow, the chimes will dance
Be you in the throws of grief, or great romance
Our feelings, nothing but a victim of circumstance

©Pauline Russell

As the sullen figure of a woman sets alone in her room
You can feel in the atmosphere all the gloom
As memories rap on the doors in her mind
They well remain there for all time
For her they will never depart
For even if time erases them from the mind,they are written with scars in her heart
She sits there shoulders hunched over
A river of tears sliding down her checks, no longer able to hold her composure
She had slipped into her room, her sanctuary
The burden of being the strong one, for the moment she could no longer carry

A dream is crushed, a future uncertain
Maybe it's time to close this curtain
Love lies lost, because it was never found
All of this is so very profound
Because my only dream was for love to come around
But insteed I was used and abused
And it gave birth to my darkest muse
Now I'm to old for love to find me
My heart stoped looking and threw away the key
So broken I well always be

Dakness set's in
It found me again
Sheets of crystal white
Where I wage my fight
I can't even write
The papers to wet
And it's not sweat
My mind is not fit
**** this ****

So tired of this ****** war
So tired of the lossing score
I'm afraid there is no way to win
I've tried so hard again and again
So the battle rages on
Until I am all the way gone

It's only been one day
How am I gonna survive 29 more with out you
Just one day and I caved
I have no idea how I'll get through
No **** no pills
Only alcohol, that does nothing good
The drink only kills
As long as your gone nothing well be as it should

Demons walk this house of mine
They do it at night from time to time
They frighten my guests
And startle my pet's
My cat just sits and stares
My dog her teeth she bears
They just push her aside
She runs and hides

They walk last night again my floors
So I got up and shut the bedroom door
Of course they do what they alway do
My door they pass right through
I tried to ignore them as on my bed I sat
But not tonight they would have none of that
They were there to chat

What do you want, I asked with disgust
They spoke with the tongues of cosmic dust
We are here to watch and savor
Your situation will soon be much graver

Three shadow men in front of me stood
Glowing eyes stared out from under their darkened hood
One pointed at the table, one at the razor, one at my hand
Time it slowed, the hourglass lost it's sand

Then they said, we are here for you our dear friend
My hand started to shake, and then extend
I gave them a determined look
And pulled my hand back although it shook

You can make me cut, you have many times before
I know it's the smell and taste of my blood you adore
You can even make me take my life
They laughed so hard at that, We only want to bring you strife
You silly human child
It's not you blood we desire

Although we do like to watch your blood flow
What we want is the pain to grow
It's just a plus to make you bleed
But it's on your human soul we feed
And your agony makes it all the more sweeter
So your life we make sure it's so much bleaker

I ordered them out of my room
I demanded they take their gloom
They swiftly moved, pinned me down and entered my head
And now I'm wishing that I was not food but dead!

The view from Hell is the most gorgeous of all
Brightest most vibrant blue sky above the fall
But in my ears is the demons call

Leaves of every autumn color fill the trees
If only I could feel the crisp cool breeze
Maybe then my burning flesh could ease

What I wouldn't give to feel the energies of the season's changing again
But I'm falling further into Hell, much to my chagrin
And against these demons there is no way to defend

So I'll enjoy the view
With all of it's diffrent hues
Till I'm blinded by the darkness, left without a clue

He is an addict
Pain on others he never sought to inflict
He was only looking for a way out
And this was just another bout
Of self hatred and doubt

He took the drugs to ease the pain
He took the durgs to ease the strain
He took the drugs to try to stay sane
In he's place I might have done the same

In the midst of all the carnage
You'll find him there spoon and rig
As he cooks it down
A slight quickened breath is the only sound
Eyes wide and bright with the thought of relief
With hurried thoughts of release

He thumps his arm to find the vain
It's the path straight to the brain
With that needle the monsters of the past are slain

But other monsters soon are made
They are just a diffrent shade
For the candle and the spoon
With the needle creates an awful hewn
The tracks are laid
No one can save
There is no way
So I just pray
I'll never turn my back to a friend
Even when his given in

I don't want to do this any more
Just leave me lying on the floor
I am nothing but the goo
That's been wiped of the shoes

Of all that have tromped
Of all that have stomped

They have whittled me down
Till there is no ME to be found
Shavings lying scattered
When the northern wind battles
I'm a broken window that rattles

Into dust I've been turned
Into dust I've been burned

It's true....what humans couldn't do
Well...the universe finished through
Leaving me dangling from the noose
Refusing to ever turn me loose

It makes sure I'm in it's twist
It makes sure I'm in it's fist

Please walk away
You don't want to see the sway
For I know what tomorrow will bring
So I'll just hang here and swing

I live my life in dog years
And I'm afraid the end it nears
For every year of man, I suffered enough for seven
And I fear there is no way I'm going to heaven
Dogs are not allowed, for me it's Armageddon

Shedding my skin
Trudging thru ashes again
Mark the scorecard
This life is hard
Maybe one day I'll find away
And in this darkness I won't stay
I'll break the chains that bind me here
I'll break the bubble, of this darkened sphere
Till that day I'll just sit and rock
Waiting for the next shoe to drop

I'm feeling today that something is wrong
Bells are going off, it sounded an alarm
Talked to my friends, they're inside of my head
Here's what they told me, this is what's said

"what's left of your brain this is what we find"
"your thoughts where unique, they where one of a kind"
"But years of abuse"
"Has shook everything loose"

But something not right
No longer needing to fight
Feeling so free
How could this be

"Well, with that gun in your hand"
"You where off to a different land"
"we, your friends all agree"
"with that single shot you set us all free"
"You'll no longer be afraid"
"With your death, you where saved"

No more body, means no more deep scars
I can finally reach out and touch the stars
This realization was stunning indeed  
A wonderful feeling of final being freed

The rhythm of my poems is my broken heart beat
To express my agony is what I seek
No formal training have I had
It all comes out the good and the bad

The ink is my blood, I let it soak my page
Sometimes it comes out as rage
Sometimes it's just sad, and tugs at the heart
But every single poem, of me is a part

Sometimes the ink runs that is my tears
I tell my story, I let you look at my fears
Sometimes my inks sticky that is my blood
Sometimes my poems are like a flood
Sometimes the inks salty that is my sweat
My poems some will not get

Sometimes my poems scare
But I don't care
My poems my heart and my life
It's always been full of strife

I'm not one to tell you everything will be fine
And in doing so I'm being kind
You read enough of my writings
You'll see that I'm fighting

One day at a time, I write it all down
In my poems my life is found
It's all on the page
My agony, my fear, and my rage
If my poems make you feel something
Then it was worth the suffering

You set there looking so fine
And you have a beautiful mind
I pinch myself, it's hard to belive you're all mine

My love for you grows more everyday
With all the beautiful things you say
Those hundred or so miles won't get in our way

As we lay our heads down in different beds
I replay ever word that you have said
Your gorgeous blue eyes I can't get out of my head

I can't wait till tomorrow to talk to you again
And see that wonderful grin
This broken heart you surely did mend

There is nothing about you I don't love
I know you was sent from up above
Because we fit together like a hand in a glove

Scary is the only way to describe these feelings
Scared that this sorry life has no meaning
Scared of living life all alone
Scared of all the hatred I've been shown
Scared that I will soon act on my thoughts
Scared my razor on my skin will soon slide across
Scared of all thats gone wrong
Scared to simply live on

I can never get something for nothing
But I'm always getting nothing for something

Maybe one day things will fall into place
Maybe one day I'll fall into grace
Maybe one day there will be a smile on my face
Maybe one day I'll draw the ace
Maybe one day my sadness will be replaced
Maybe one day I won't walk in disgrace
Maybe one day I won't feel displaced
Maybe one day I won't feel I'm being chased
Maybe one day I'll win this ******* race
Maybe, just maybe, one day I'll feel love's embrace

Though I doubt it,.......................but MAYBE

I can feel the monsters skull trying to break out
I can feel the snout slowly growing stout
I can hear the growls deep and fearful start
A crack of all the bones, a moving of the parts
Writhing in pain falling to the ground
No longer can a human form be found

Why are you braced to run
Don't you want to have some fun
After all you called it out from me
When you made my emotions bleed
You was so very **** obstinate
Now turn and face the consequence


He licks his lips, he can taste your lies
He stares intently into your eyes
There is nothing he can't find
Nothing can you hide
Looking you over
He takes a big sniff of your odor
He takes your face in his claws
To him you must plea, he makes the call
Are you worthy of me at all
For my Monster won't rip, won't tear
He'll simply make you miss what use to be there.

©Pauline Russell

The black veil has dropped
The beauty in the heart has stopped
The future is crystal clear
Only the darkness will be allowed to draw near
The light has been cast away
Thrown back to yesterday
It is more precious than a blackest pearl
As rear as the unicorn's horns swirl
This blackened veil that wraps up tight
No memories of ever having taken flight
Rest now child, over is the crimson fight
There is no longer wrong or right
There is only the veil
That hides everything so well

Dakness set's in
It found me again
Sheets of crystal white
Where I wage my fight
I can't even write
The papers to wet
And it's not sweat
My mind is not fit
F**k this ****

So tired of this ****** war
So tired of the lossing score
I'm afraid there is no way to win
I've tried so hard again and again
So the battle rages on
Until I am all the way gone

She sits alone contemplating her place within this universe
She thought about her live in reverse
Trying to figure out how she had got to this place
Sitting on the bridge, legs dangling into space

She stares into the crystal clear water
In her mind there would never be any imprimatur
She is in conflict of what to do
She slowly kicks off one shoe
To count how long it takes to splash down
If the concrete like water didn't **** her, would she drown

She looked out across the river to watch her last sunset
Thinking of a tragic events she couldn't forget
It was such a soft purple that got more vibrant to a bight pink center
The frost nipped at her nose, and now exposed toes, soon it would be winter

She examines her situation still not sure why
But then again everybody dies
Does our energy escape our corpses
Jets off into the cosmos and courses
Or our we just nonexistent forever in the black void
Both of these thoughts makes her overjoyed

She cracks a slight smile the first in years
In the last of autumn's sun she basks, she has no more fears
She kicks off her other shoe, grabs hold of the cold steel frame
There will be no more living in darkness and shame

She carefully climbs up on to the rail
She didn't want to fall backwards, she didn't want to fail
She spread her arms wide out to her side
Took one more look at the sky, let go and let her body glide
It was the very first time she felt free
Sheer fleeting secounds of glee

She didn't feel the bone crushing impact
As her head wide open cracked
Her body started to slowly sink
Life had pushed her past the brink
Bubbles at the surface forms as the air escapes her lungs

I hope the galaxy gives her life energy hugs
Or if in the dark abyss
I hope shes found rest, either way I know she found bliss
For her wretched life she wont miss

I love you so much this heart threatens to burst from my chest
My love for you mere words could not express

I could speak of how you are the sun to my moon the rhythm to my rhyme
Without you, nothing in my life would shine

The whole universe couldn't hold all our love
It's an attraction, a pull only a prevailed few have even dreamed of

We must have loved each other through many other lives
Without each other we won't survive

To feel a love so powerfully divine
We must have feel in love, lifetime after lifetime

Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night
With panic gripping your heart tight

Have you ever seen the shadows walk the halls
Or seen the black marks they leave upon your walls

Have you ever heard their growls or hisses
Or felt on your skin their dark kisses

Have you ever shut your bedroom door tight
But they still pass through to give you a fright

Have you ever felt the fear dripping from the ceiling
Have you ever had that awful feeling

Have you ever had your demons play
Outside your head that way?

I want to tell you of a great friend of mine
We use to be togeather all the time
We were soul connected hard to define
And something even harder to find
We both battled depression in it was one of the ties that bind

One day I told him I just couldn't go on
He told me I'll be your diamond you can lean upon
Because he knew rocks cracked so he would be the strongest that he could
And the love we shared we both understood

He called me up one afternoon and said, this might be the day
I replied hold on I'm already on my way
We just sit there in silence in his darkened room
He said you can't fix me, in his voice I heard that doom
I said I know that dear
That's not why I am hear
I'm here to sit beside you
Till this patch of darkness you get through

A bullet he would of took for me and I for him
We loved each other to the brim
Friends forever him and I would always be
For there was no other friendship like ours through out the centuries

One day he could hold on no longer in the darkness and the pain
He never called me, he just stood in front of that **** train

He left a note just for me, I'm sorry *** your diamond finally cracked
And there's no turning back
But please forgive me and promise me to be strong
And instead of dying for me you must live on

So I silently promised him I'd do the best I could
Because I knew what he ment he had to go, I truly understood
I didn't know how I'd ever live without him but every day I'd try
And at least once a day I still break down and cry

It's been a few years now but I'll never get over the loss of my soul connected friend
But I count my self lucky I still get a glips of him in his son's face when he gets that crooked grin

Days like today
In my darkened way
I just sit,rock, and sway

I rock to the rhythm of my lifes sorrowful song
This feelings so wrong, so strong
In this inky state of mind
Any minut goodness is hard to find

There's hatred and self doubt
I HATE THE WAY I FEEL...I just want to shout
But there's no one here to hear anyway
So I sit and I cry and I sway

My thoughts bleed all over the place
You can plainly see them on my face
I'm such a disgrace
To the whole human race

This depression is heartless
Bringing only darkness
On days like today
My body and soul cry
It just leeks out my eyes

The sadness and darkness intertwine
It makes living feel like a crime
I'm so utterly clueless
Fighting it seems so useless

This is a bad one
I don't know where it came from
At lest with a trigger I know where I stand
Today I just feel like I have a brand
That tells the darkness to fall
That I don't belong after all

If you really don't love me would you tell me now
While I'm only a few miles off the ground
Tell me if my love you disavow
I have never felt a love this profound

Your love has taken me to new dizzying heights
And I really don't mean to fear
This love feels so real so right
It's the voices in my head that makes it so unclear

I'm sorry I'm so ******* jaded
And that I'm so worried my heart is lying again
What I mistook for love before was just hate, or need shaded
But your actions and words are slowly reaching my brain

To finally feel true love is a wonderful scary
So please forgive my doubts
I know with all my heart, it's you I want to marry
I know you love me, I can hear your soul scream it out
I'm so sorry babe for my days of doubt!!!

Make the cut, make it deep make it wide
There's nothing left, nothing to hide
Let all that's in me come outside

**** this life
**** this strife
**** everything that's rife

Give me the gun, I'll plant the bullet
In the head or in the gullet
Triggers stiff, but I'll still pull it

**** this life
**** this strife
**** everything that's rife

Theres no mercy on the edge of the blade
Look at the mess this life has made
All my dreams have been mislaid

**** this life
**** this strife
**** everything that's rife

I'm so lonely, in this hell
The darkness has me under it's spell
Can't you hear the toll of the bell

**** this life
**** this strife
**** everything that's rife

For this darkness I don't need to spread
So I'll just lay here in my bed
Watching the sheets trun red

Standing in the shower with my head against the wall
Letting the scalding water fall

Wishing it could wash away my skin
Wishing it could wash away his sins

Maybe when my bruises heal
My soul will once again, begain to feel

It looks so fragile with all it's holes
Where the monsters took and stole

But it's sewed with spiders threads
So it's as strong as a spider's webs

There's really nothing left to say
Accept that maybe one of these days
I'm gonna be ok

I quit dying today
Because I quit trying to live
I will no longer search for happiness
So the pain of not finding it will slowly melt away
The not caring of what happens and robotic motions
Will get me through the day
This world has finally done it,
Although it's broke my heart to many times to count
This time it was my spirit that shattered into pieces
And there is no fixing that
So with vacant eyes you'll see me carry on the day
No emotion on my face
No emotion in my heart
I never got to live but.....
Today is the day I quit dying
now I'll just exist

Poor little fly
Fighting just to survive
No one saw it's demise but me
As he struggled not to freeze
First he flew in little hops
But to soon that stops
Then he walked in endless circles in the Sun's rays
But soon that too gave way
Now he lays frozen stiff
I wonder if me seeing made a diff
That this little flys last moments on earth
Didn't go unnoticed, and to a little poem had given birth

This poor little flys fight
Is a lot like my own sad sight
Wonder if anyone sees my slow decent
How this life is leaving me bent
Wonder if when I finally freeze and die
Will anyone notice and wonder why
Or see how I fought to survive
Just like that little fly

Sleepless eye so big and bright
Way up there in the darkened sky
Watching all that wage the fight
Seeing all the pain they have acquired
That leaves them balancing on the brink
Slowly and agonizingly they expire
Sleepless eye doesn't blink

I'm looking for something, I'm afraid don't exist
I'm looking for something, I hope I've just missed
I'm looking for something, in the foggy mist

It's a forgotten hue, of a color so bright
It's a forgotten feeling, of being so light
It's a forgotten treasure, I should've held tight

It bounced off the rainbow
It bounced and it flowed
It bounced right into the great unknown

I'm still here calling
I'm still here falling
I'm still here bawling

I'm afraid I'll never find it again
I'm afraid I'll never win
I'm afraid I'll never taste it on the wind

I will seek it out, till my dying day
I will seek it out, I'll hunt every which way
I will seek it out, if I find it I'll make it stay

I think I have come unplugged
I think I have been drugged
I'm seeing things through a haze
And thoughts around me plays
Are they real or just a maze
That I am slowly crawling through
I'm affraid I've come unglued
Why the hell does these thoughts intrude
I can't run away or hid
I've tried
I've prayed I've cursed
I've done the worse
And still there they are
From the surface they are never far
These ******* **** mind scars

If I die what does it matter
I am already scattered
My minds not here, my heart is shattered
All you see is an empty shell
That by the way has gone through hell

So you can judge on first glance
Before you know me, or give me a chance
I don't really care, they all do
It doesn't reflect on me but you

I know what I am, I'm deppresed and splintered
Upon this bed of torture I've been rendered
Countless times, by countless monsters
Thats how my madness was fostered

So judge my sadness if you want
Or why my face looks so gaunt
You've not been where I have been
And you've not seen what I have seen
True monsters walk this earth
And to me they have given birth

I see the tears welling up in his eyes
As he sets there, with a heavy sigh
These thoughts on his mind heavily weigh
Under his breath I could hear him say
"I'm getting so very forgetful"
"I'm looking so **** pitiful"

He turned 87 a week ago
His age is starting to show
He feels deaths grip closing in
His skin is paper thin
He's always cold even in the sweltering heat of summer
His hearing is almost gone, it's all just mummers
He talks of how his legs don't work so well any more
The act of getting up is such a chore

He has taken to cussing like a sailor
But reads the bible, getting ready to meet his creator
"Growing old in not for the weak or faint of heart
This growing old **** is hard"

©Pauline Morris