I feel no more sadness
I feel no more joy
They are far
beyond my reach
where I stand
between the roads
and crosswalks
unable to move
or hold on  
for very long
where nothing is left
that can be felt
and perhaps
this isn’t
a sad poem after all
for what is more heartbreaking
than sorrow from grieving  
and what is more empty
than joy without meaning
Perhaps it is best
to go on without feeling

The seasons
have become longer
and more thoughtful
with their visits
taking time
to watch the robins take wing
and the golden leaves fall
perhaps
it is time
I did so
as well.

The world
is too big
and life
is too short

What now.

Forgive Me
For not noticing your glances
As I passed by
Or truly understanding
The depth of the words you offered

On days when I needed comfort
You supplied an abundance
Treatment of the greatest standard
Never given much in return

Forgive Me
For changing your views
Altering
your bright flourishing dreams
into a shadowing reality

For it seems
I had learned
to love
Too late.

I have never finished
anything
I have no accomplishments
or set goals
so why am I
laying down in bed
bathed in the warm glow of candlelight
all alone
smiling to myself
How is it I can go day by day
laughing louder
and walking slower
than the driven man
Perhaps the answers cannot be found
in your goals or possessions
but in self satisfaction
I am aware I exist
amongst friends
family
and unique individuals
I will pass every day
and that in itself
Is enough.

The ink spills on the page
and I know
these words are hard to come by
Pooling to the rim
my unwritten words lay
unable to keep on the page
unable to say to you
what must be heard
The wind picks up
calling out my fears
I will never know where you are
or If my name
holds any purpose
in your world
or mine
The ink falls over the page
and so do I

I guess this is goodbye.

If the universe was told how sacred promises were
Would the world comply?

The truth shown though the people,the streetcars, the buildings and homes

Nature itself would refuse its mask                                                
and the rain forever falling for the grief it once hid
as it wishes to send us all away

The world, an everlasting misery of the purest honesty
Piety and Mercy
Benevolent gifts
becoming more and more
a survival necessity

Could living in a truthful darkness
be more powerful than existing
amongst a vibrant lie?

Though we cherish our good memories
in the brightest parts of our mind,
it is the bad ones
hidden in the crevices
that take up the most space
in our minds
The ones we play on repeat
day after day
searching through the sadness
for something
to explain the feelings we hold
The ones that seem to swallow us whole whenever we are left alone
in the solitude
of our minds
If the good memories are kept so dearly,
why can we never escape
the grief we hide
so carefully
in our minds

I cannot recall
the last time I sat alone
to think
enjoyed a full meal
or felt the warmth of love
weaken my knees
and that is enough
to spark worry in my soul

In my world
I am never lonely
I do not lack in possessions
or the adoration of a stranger
from time to time

Perhaps what I long for
rests in a world
beyond the city
and far away
from all I have worked
to achieve

It wasn't my warm body against the cold bed
the subtle creeping darkness,
the sound of the rain against the window pane,
or the sound of my own breathing
that kept me awake
on a night like this.
But the constant reminders
of what I could have done
what I should be doing
where I should be.
I now understand
to achieve my dreams
I must be
Anywhere
But
Here.

Where will you be
when it all begins to crumble

Standing idle and alone
as it slowly chips away
running out of breath
and words left
that could make sense of it all
Nothing remains in your grasp
and all is left
to chance

Where will you be
when it all comes crashing down

I tried my best to miss you
during my lonely walks home
I wore the clothing I knew loved
and carried your ring with me
wherever I went

but I couldn’t help but wonder
why I was trying
so hard
to miss something
I didn’t

I stopped trying to see you
in every man I met
and every kind voice I heard
and soon
you found your way
to the back of my mind
and that’s where you stayed
because
you belonged
nowhere else.

Now and then again
I remember
when I was young
And thought
kindness and virtue
were the keys to happiness

But the harshness of the world
built the calluses
that keeps me alive
today
Refusing to accept
the goodness of the everyday man
And I wonder
have I really grown

A world on the tipping scales
of joy and despair
To be left elated
over simple pleasures
and dejected
over days to come

What a curious thought
to walk a fine line
of truth and ignorance
unable to choose
which to follow
through the oblivion

What a curious life to lead
in sunshine and storms
to get dampened from the sun
just to bask in the rain

Days make this body
so frail
so weak
as colours lose their vibrance
and soon
I can hardly stand

What can the future hold
for my sickness
Will there be sunny days ahead
running,jumping and singing
hugs,kisses and hellos
I can bear no more goodbyes

With my medicines close
and the frost at my window
I dream of light
and a body not my own
capable of so much more
of all I hope to do
and a future set in stone

As my fragile self sleeps
I dream of life
beyond

He told me
to reach for the stars
but don’t do it alone

What choice did I have
when no one saw the stars
the same way
no one adored the moon
and danced through the night
as I did

                                                          or­ so I thought.

Until he brought the stars down
for a single night
That was when
I realized
amongst all that I had ever wanted
he was all
I had ever loved.

Toiling away
To live is to work
till death
heads down obediently
What better sound
then that of the evening whistle blow
a body drop
a new opening
a job to be done
a meal on the table
No talking now
In the factories
In the streets
In our homes
We are all slaves
to our homeland
our protectors
the government
and our empty stomachs
selfishly crying out for more
A harsh truth we tell
Our legacy we carry on
only to be remembered as workers
in life
but worthless
in death

I will not unlock the door
to stand and face
the demon you’ve become
allowing you
to take over my mind
whenever you please
I will not unlock the door
and allow myself to be humiliated
becoming your target once again
Your screams can be blocked
The endless banging on the door
holds no purpose to me

Stand there all you want
You will never possess me

I will not unlock the door.

Truth is
every time
I remember
you exist
in the same world
as me
I become lost
a spiritual sickness
closing in
I cannot breathe
I cannot move
I wish you were here
but
I wish you were gone

What value does loneliness have
without personal reflection
what could be gained
from empty conversation
and what wastes time more
than standing in another's shadow

Light shines all around you
people pass by
with beautiful minds
like an open door
and the experiences
that linger in your thoughts
beg for explanation

After all,
we are here
for only a few short breaths
and what good is a life
not well lived?

The hardest farewell ever made will give the most peace of mind.

You can only batter that which has already been torn apart for so long before it simply dies
No rebirth
No healing
No second chance
It dies.

All those who watch point their boots towards better lives and move on
one less person to worry about getting in the way

Now that it is gone they can focus on themselves
and life will go on
days will pass
Children to adults
Jobs and families
moving ever forward to reach their innermost  joys

The dead ones sleep silently
tears ceased
All that holds close are the remnants of memories
Scattered like breadcrumbs to the birds

The girl has died
and once again life goes on

Down
where the rusted taste on my tongue
Is all that remains of what treasures are kept in my veins
Breaking free
holding the warmth
the haze
and salt water
Counting the heart beats

Grasping at the surface
too far down
Filling up with
The warmth
the painful haze
and the bitter salt
Reminded one last time of the beauty of living
the beauty of life
A thousand breaths
A thousand cries
A thousand thoughts
The essence of time
wasted away

All goes cold
And I am free

Close to the edge
enough to feel the wind coaxing me closer
to lose such delicate balance

Today is not the day
for falling forward
into oblivion
losing sight of body
and living through soul alone

Today
I will fall back on doubt
however
in life
there is no charity
and fate grants no wishes

Tomorrow
I may not be as lucky

When my mind begins to wander
I miss summer days
The warm sun and sea breeze
holding me in a tight embrace
as I sit at the waters edge
terrified to go any closer
as if the waves would scoop me up
and take me away

When my mind longs for love
I miss summer nights
To be with you
under the moon
walking around our small town
saying everything our minds cared to remember
leaving our worries for tomorrow

When my heart was in your hands
My mind begins to ponder
how much our lives have changed

It seems as though my simple path has come to a fork in the road
Now all that stands is choice

Where do I go from here
with no map to guide me
no compass to take me home

The signs lay askew on the trail before me
Offering no help
no direction to take to free me of my ultimate frustration

Forgive me if I ever think to turn back
from fear of losing myself more with this clouded mind I own and hollow choices I make

Which path can you take
If you are already lost.

Complexity and pain
sheltered away
Born of water
So calm and mysterious

Piercing waves
Engulf
with each icy blow
Born of fire
will never return
such pain

For in all the realities lived
and all the chances offered
to melt the ice
and condense the sea

Spreading flames
to all the misery
all the resentment
being free of torment
is a life never to be lead

As far as the greatest of opposites go
Fire and Water
Knowing of the harrowing truth
that each vexed action
will keep them farther apart

In the end
The fire
in its passionate desire
will burn again
with no limitation
and the sea
in its mysterious beauty
will remain still
and alone
with no warmth in sight

Pasted flyers
Busy streets
all account for
a part of me
This sinkhole society
but it’s still my own
Every cigarette ****
Every broken bottle
stain my jeans
my flesh
my teeth
and before we know it
we can’t even see
this sweet little town

                                         Home sweet home.

I have realized
the world is a lonely place
In our homes
jobs
schools
preoccupying our minds
People come
they learn with us
they grow with us
We live
laugh
love
and move on
With the world at our fingertips
no matter the hundreds around us
or the ever growing bustling crowds
nothing can be done
to remedy us
from the fact
that though we can try until the end of our days
we will always be the most alone
In our minds

The brilliant do not cry
do not fail tests they take
or fall over every obstacle in their path

The intellectual never worry
never stay up late to wonder
If their lives are worth keeping
or quicken their breathes
when they are told to answer

The clever refuse to back down
to allow harsh realities
to get the best of them
or lose faith

The sharp minded cannot falter
cannot hurt or blame themselves
for every wrong doing
or desperately seek the worlds approval

hopeless girl,
in lonely despair
You will never be

                                    You will never be.

Man of Solitude

In utter silence
All known is gone
flesh and blood
no more than memory
living seclusion
day after day
no concept of time
outside your own world
no perception
besides recollections of bygone days

What goes through your mind
with each passing year

What keeps you sane

What do you live for
when all you ever knew
has been taken away

I once fell in love
in the bustling train station
with the endless stream of people
The carts rushing past
The trains struggling to match the anxious speed of those around them
Here
I see faces
kind
sad
worried and ecstatic
If only for a moment
I share with them
and just
like love itself
brief and beautiful
an instilled moment of nirvana
and then
with the crowds
It ends
leaving on the next train
out of town

Sitting here
on the steps
no friends
no family
Just sitting here
Boxes stacked
books
clothes
movies
photographs
Where can they go now
no time to worry
no time to think
Just sitting here
on the steps
Holding the boxes
Staring at my life
so neatly placed in cardboard boxes
stacked on the steps
So many years of life
and all to show for it
boxes stacked on the concrete steps of a place I once called my own
Just sitting there

Time has been passing
a  little slower
and walks home
a  little quieter
than what had been before

Words have sunken
a little deeper
and thoughts have lingered
a little longer
since last we met

I cannot place this blame
upon you
nor can I upon the sun
that chose to rise
despite my wishes to hide away
amongst the gloomy grey
of the storm clouds above

But rather
all can be traced back
to me
clinging to all that has been
for fear of all that will be
without you.

Standing on the outside
looking in
unable to reach
what I cannot hold

Time played its part
and now I am just a name in your mind
without a body

Words fail me
as I become lost
in your loneliness

wrecked
by my own desperation
to never leave your side

but your walls are up
and I can only be
standing on the outside looking in

praying
you remember
to breathe

I suppose waiting
for the minutes to go by
wont make them go
any faster
I should be putting my time and energy
to better use
than what I am
now

Waiting until you are ready
may have me waiting forever
when my time comes
and if my time comes
Hours will continue their pace
slow and steady

Foolishly siting here
waiting for my time to come
when time passes by just the same as yesterday
today
and tomorrow
Before long
It’ll be
too late.

If my mind refuses to carry on
It will be reminded
again,
what will be done
must be done
and I will force these thoughts
to remain
until this day is forgotten
and all other days
that have come
before it
Should words ever fail me
again,
my actions
will speak
louder.

All at once
It all happened
and I’m scared of how exactly
I will go on to handle
each and everything wrong
In my life
and with you as my constant.
I’m afraid to push too hard
and send you away
farther than before
But maybe I'm over thinking
as I do when I'm afraid
I’m sorry if I sound like I'm losing my mind
I guess I never knew the essence of friendship
or true love
until the risk of losing it
was ****** before me

Today I heard your name
I heard you are well
living soundly with blossomed love
My stomach had turned in knots
and my heart had felt it was pushing its way
out of my chest

This time, the feeling began to fade.

More shocked than I had ever dreamnt I could be
Here I was hearing your name
seeing your face
and feeling nothingness inside
and from there
happiness grew

Maybe this time I can wish you well
with a smile on my face
stemming from head to toe

Maybe this time I will breathe slower
to the beat of my own stumbling heart

Maybe this time
I will not be afraid to live
anymore

Nothing brings more bliss
than being warm and inside
on a cold winters eve
sipping tea
all alone

None to impress
None to share with

The sweet simplicity of being alone
but never lonely
of silence
that brings no sadness
of spacious slumber
that isn’t longing for another
and believing
that one day
all work out
as it should

I could go on writing for years
filling every page
from front to back
with every thought I ever had
and every word I never spoke

I could write symphonies
for the moments worth living for
The smiles
that brightened the day
and the laughs
that ring though the night

I could paint all the stars from the sky to the heavens above
the sparkling sapphire lakes
and the rolling emeralds hills
that grace the land
we share
as one

But what good is it
when all I could do
and all I would do
is completely meaningless
without you

I am not quite there
to answer
when they ask
where I am going
from here
Confusing those around me
and making delays seem more
as pleads for help
than what they truly are

I am not ready
to pick myself up
and set a course
for bigger and better things
and do not wish for your hands
to force me up
out
and about
to do all that I cannot do

I belong down
where I can delay the process
another day
and begin again
when I decide.

I am sorry
if this came out of nowhere
since I have witnessed my worst fears
become me

I have nothing
that can be used
to keep you around
to make you happy
to stay with me

Leaving now would save myself the pain
of being left alone
and save you from the weight
You have carried on your shoulders for so long

I believe that when a human
has moved on once
He is capable of doing so
again
for life has a way of dulling the pain
over time

In the long run it was always a better choice
to save
yourself
For I
am not worth
your saving.

How many reasons left did I have
to wake up
When the reality I witnessed
fell apart all around me

The final stages of youth
reveal themselves in the shadows that creep across the schoolyard and beyond the pathways I took every day without fail

To feel beauty fade in the cruelest of ways
Ripped away from me
before a chance could be given to restore itself in the town I would soon foolishly call my home

Among the many I hold so close
Decaying friendships
Abandoned parks
Rusted buildings
The memories are all that remains the same

Days pass
or maybe it was years
I could never quite tell
All I could ever be certain of was my loneliness
And the feeling that all would never be as it should
From now until the end of time

I was wrong from the start
to look upon you with good will
to keep the harsh words
you left to dig into my flesh
reminding me of how cruel
the world can be
You
speaking of respect and virtue
while tearing down others
simply out of personal spite

I wonder
besides the hypocracy of it all
if now that time has passed
if you sit alone with pride
for what you do

I can guarantee the scars you left
I will carry to the grave
and one day
you will be able to tell the story
of how you killed another
on the inside
because that
is what you caused
so that must be
what you wanted.

To know a man
inside out
is as impossible
as removing a mask
you never knew existed

Should this be accomplished
would make taking in the darkness
and still being able to look upon his face
with unclouded eyes
only but a foolish dream

We may believe that truth
is the purest of virtues
but can we handle the darkness
that comes along with it?

can we handle it
when it makes itself
apart of us?

Physical existence is painful
To those who feel they burden
Everyone around them
As if every inhale
every word uttered
Every step taken
is just an annoyance
and should be apologized for
A life like this could even be considered no life at all

What is it that makes us keep going
despite believing so deeply
that to go on would be a grave mistake
Perhaps we are cowards
afraid to leap off the beautiful buildings
closing in around us
or we feel unworthy
for even in death
we hold no grace

Burdens we are,
we are born every day
likely to go on with time
All we can ever hope for
Is that we will change
with time itself

Simplicity

The creaking chairs
two mugs
-cream, two sugar
The coffee stains on the table
I refuse to clean
no matter how many times
I catch you staring at them

Inhale my words
Exhale your thoughts
Billowing sweet smoke around us
Closing in

Conversations put off
far too long
and I wish I could say more
than I had said before

But your cigarette is worn to the filter
And my mug remains empty
The smoke covered sky
Darkens our words

Maybe next time
I will wait for my coffee to cool down
before I drink
Maybe next time
You will bring enough cigarettes to share

Until then I’ll keep my words close
And keep my mugs
as they are
And hope you’ll return to talk
another day

Pity.
Merciless ways of the universe
befall such a young one
Such innocence left behind
Forward darkness
Onward bound
Sink into the grieving soul
of the one lifeless girl in the white silk dress
So lovely were her words
So delicate her flesh
Seep through the wounds
grief upon the lifeless girl of blushing pink and milky white
She foolishly thought she could love another
when she hadn't yet learned to love herself.
And now she rests
Leaving behind a crimson dress
and the words on her lips.

Your letters have begun to clutter up my desk
your belongs have taken up my bookshelves
and now your image has filled all parts
of my mind
How sad of me
to keep repeating old conversations
adding new words I wish I had said
and to still walk the long way home
we used to take in the spring to see the flowers
and to prolong the inevitable goodbye
How sad of you
to say goodbye
How sad of me
to refuse to believe that time will continue
long after you had left me

I am at war with this water.
I understand its use in this world
I adore its beauty
the feeling
the smell
yet I lash out to it.
I fear I’ll be swept off to drown
to die trashing
as an injured animal.
But most of all
It serves as a constant reminder I have not grown.
As much as I portray myself to be strong
calm
and collected.
I am still the small child terrified of water that I once was all those years ago.
Every time I feel despair and pained from this world
I am drowning on the inside once again,
with no one to notice
no one to help
while I slip away into the darkness
never to be seen.
It seems as though I cannot escape the water
No matter how far I run from the sea,
The water travels within the darkness
and sinks right back into me.